UK To Keep Waving Enormous Nuclear Cock At Rest of World

Notwithstanding suggestions that a separate army, navy and air force may soon be unsustainable, defence minister Bob Ainsworth today promised the nation that the future of the UK's enormous nuclear cock is assured.

In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.

"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."

"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."

A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.

Artificial Woman - Pretend Parrot Wedding Exclusive

A pair of huge plastic breasts married a man who pretends to be an angry pet parrot today, in a private, simple ceremony in Las Vegas which will be splashed all over the next issue of Hello Bella OK Take a Break.

Nothing else of any consequence at all happened anywhere in the entire fucking world.

Tories Would Strangle Economic Recovery, Says Mandelson - Like This

Likening David Cameron and George Osborne to Laurel and Hardy, business secretary Lord Mandelson - dangling precariously from a clock face overhanging a busy Westminster street - warned that a Conservative government would "strangle the recovery at birth - like this."

To howls of derisive laughter, the acknowledged master of comic timing then slashed £449m from universities' budgets before plummeting to the ground, where the frontage of the Palace of Westminster fell on him.

Our National Sport

As a bankrupt Britain moves closer to the most important election in a generation, the media swung into action to explain the issues people face in their struggle to keep their heads above water - by throwing huge sums of money at the owner of the orifice that proved irrestistible to a man who gets paid stupid amounts just to kick a ball around.

"The story of Vanessa Perroncel's fadge is, quite simply, the story of everybody in Britain," explained publicist Max Clifford this morning. "She just lay there with a big dopey grin on her face, while rich morons queued up to shaft her senseless."

September 16: Altartag

The Pope today confirmed that he plans to invade Britain later this year, accusing the government of discrimination over its refusal to let Catholics discriminate against gay adoptive parents.

The Popeblitz will strike Birmingham first, he vowed, having chosen the historically-significant date of September 16th - the day after his predecessor's attempt to visit Britain collapsed in 1940.

"Your pathetic little island is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society," he lied to his legions of goose-stepping Fifth Columnists. "Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust restrictions on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their god-like dictator's belief that all the wicked sodomites should be rounded up and gassed."

"Unless, of course, they happen to be Catholic priests," he added. "In which case: least said, soonest mended."

In response to the Pope's declaration of Altartag, the National Secular Society has begun to distribute bum shelters to the population of Birmingham.

Thatcher Insanity Traced Back to 1979

Former prime minister Baroness Thatcher was as mad as a hatter even before winning the 1979 general election, according to new papers which fell out of her old handbag.

A note - hand-scrawled in crayon on the back of a vet's prescription for horse steroids - shows that Mrs Thatcher was ravenously consuming 28 testicles a day in preparation for the election campaign which swept her to power.

"It appears that Mrs Thatcher may have got the idea into her head that the way for a woman to succeed in the male-dominated corridors of power was to become a she-man herself," commented a health fascist this morning. "According to cannibal beliefs, a warrior can acquire the characteristics of their enemy by eating the body parts associated with those characteristics."

"Just don't ask what she washed them down with," added the dietician with a shudder. "There's probably a reason why Denis looked so drained back then."

Other documents which fell out of a stuffed diary show dozens of receipts for razor blades, which the diary reveals were needed in quantity to remove the rapidly-increasing growth of hair from her legs, chest and arse.

Any Any Any Old Iron

Gordon Brown has gatecrashed a jam-selling fundraising event organised by suburban housewife Carol Ann Duffy to announce that he has bought up the nation's entire scrapyard supply of corrugated iron. He also promised to ship it out to the earthquake-hit island on the next returning banana boat.

"What these desperate, starving people need is something to occupy their minds," declared Mr Brown. "No point dwelling on your misfortunes, as Lord Mandelson keeps telling me, you'll just end up getting yourself down."

All that scrap iron only cost £35,000, and I've got a whopping £19.965m that I haven't spent yet burning a hole in my pocket for a Caribbean version of Scrapheap Challenge," smiled Mr Brown, as angry housewives tried to eject him from the jam sale. "I've got cabinet ministers scouring the scrap dealers of Britain for a van with no roof, a compact engine with lots of bottom-end torque and a dumper truck with a leaky universal joint. That's what the people of Haiti are crying out for. Set them the task of building hurricane-proof shelters out of tin - or better, something completely barmy like a vertical take-off submarine - and watch their little faces light up with glee."

Meanwhile, British Nuclear Fuels Limited pointed out that they have plenty of nice, hot reprocessed nuclear waste available to ship out to the ruined capital, Port-au-Prince.

"I reckon we could clear out Sellafield for, oh, say about £19.965m," said a BNFL spokesman today. "That's just covering our costs, you understand."