Traditional Chinese Medicine Helps Blind Man To Be Seen

Leading US spin doctors are today marvelling at the mysterious workings of traditional Chinese medicine, which has miraculously helped them to see a blind man sheltering in their embassy in Beijing.

A few pricks, and the pain has vanished

“There’s no rational explanation for it but hell, it works,” admitted an apologetic Dr Marilyn Strangelove, washing her hands after a complicated operation to save Hillary Clinton’s face tragically failed. “The Chinese swiftly applied a threat to the blind man’s family and suddenly, for the first time, we could see him quite clearly. And we didn’t feel a bit of pain during the extraction. We sure could learn a trick or two from these guys.”

Sceptics remain unconvinced, however, about the ethics of dishing out Chinese medicine, claiming that its unabashed practitioners cynically exploit the desire of the credulous to believe that the problem has magically gone away whilst beautiful, endangered creatures like the Lesser Spotted Human Rights Activist are cruelly ground into paste.

Convenient Amnesia Outbreak Spreads To Blair

Former prime minister Tony Blair has become the latest victim of the terrible Convenient Amnesia epidemic which is striking so many establishment figures dumb, after tragically failing to remember why he told the British public that his government was absolutely opposed to extraordinary rendition, while his security services were cheerfully kicking anyone who looked a bit shifty to the Americans onto the next unscheduled flight to Diego Garcia.

Mr Blair genuinely has no idea why this matters

Convenient Amnesia was first diagnosed in the US in 1986, when Lt Col Oliver North developed the symptoms after a trip to Nicaragua - or possibly Iran, as he was unable to recall his travel arrangements - and quickly infected then-president Ronald Reagan. The deadly disease rapidly spread, and is now endemic throughout the elites of the world.

“Not so long ago Tony was perfectly capable of running out a superb line of self-justifying bullshit whenever he felt like it,” explained a brain surgeon. “When he was on form, he could effortlessly pull a rubber terrorist out of the top of his head and wave it threateningly in your face until you ran away, or give his credibility a good stretch by claiming that God had told him it was OK. Now he just sits vacantly in front of a microphone on The World At One, trying desperately to remember a single excuse.”

Scientists are working hard to discover a cure for this awful affliction. Meanwhile, for sufferers like Tony, their only hope is to pray that they don’t.

Obama Reassures Cameron: ‘Sure, You’re Special’

Spot the prime minister

Panting with anticipation, prime minister David Cameron has arrived in the United States to receive from President Obama the reassurance he craves that he – and by extension, the whole of the UK – is ‘special’.

Wagging his little vestigial tail with delight, Mr Cameron proudly took up his customary position at Barack Obama’s heel at the press call, and yapped with glee when the president threw him a biscuit and called him his ‘special’ friend.

The highlight of Mr Cameron’s stay with the master to whom he is devoted will come when, after being flown all the way to Ohio in the pets’ hold of Air Force One as a treat, he will be invited to perform tricks in front of an admiring audience.

“It’s so cute when David leaps up to catch my basketball in his little mouth,” smiled Mr Obama, as he absent-mindedly scratched his faithful puppy’s nodding head. “He doesn’t care how much it hurts, he just rolls over every time and begs for more. David’s a bit special, but we love him anyway. He’s our dumb, loyal friend who just keeps on giving.”

“Get off my leg, mutt,” he added.

Republicans Consider Parachuting Credible Candidate Into Convention, Possibly Jeb Bush

As realisation slowly dawns on the Republican party that all of their presidential candidates are drooling idiots, plans are hastily being drawn up to write off the billions spent on their caucus campaigns and leave it to the party convention in August to select a credible new candidate whose impressive stature will lead the wider American public to desert Barack Obama in droves. George W Bush’s brother Jeb has been mentioned.

This is what Republicans call 'a statesman'

“The Republican core constituency loves a traditional Old-Testament tub-thumper with foam flying from his mouth,” explained former GOP chairman Haley Barbour. “Problem is, Americans who don’t marry their cousins shit themselves dry at the prospect of some Jesus freak, who knows for a fact that Satan has a factory in hell churning out dinosaur bones, drumming his fingers on the nuclear button every morning and asking himself whether this is the day God wants him to declare Armageddon open for business.”

Meanwhile the corporate interests which have been bankrolling the current presidential candidates from state to state are understood to be willing to write off their huge capital investments to date, rationalising that the Republicans “will owe them big time” when it comes to throwing out every bill President Obama puts before Congress.

“Oh please, Bre’r Barbour, doan t’row dat prickly ol’ Jeb Bush ‘cross de ribber at poor li’l me,” pleaded the Democrat incumbent, rolling his eyes and collapsing in fits of laughter.

Please Let Me Stand Trial Before A Judge I Play Golf With, Pleads Harmless Old Arms Dealer

Mr Tappin: just a typical English pensioner

Old Mr Tappin, the lovable Kent veteran due to be dragged off to die in America later today by heartless jobsworths simply for selling a battery, today made a dramatic last-ditch plea to be tried in Britain in front of a judge he knows through the Rotary Club.

“I love this country, I’ve sold arms here all my life,” declared snowy-haired Mr Tappin, as he sat with his sweet little wife reminiscing fondly over a photo-album filled with snaps of himself in happier days, cheerfully selling missile components to undercover FBI agents in ‘WE ♥ JIHAD’ t-shirts. “Dear oh dear, I don’t know what I’ll do if some ghastly American I’ve never played golf with sends me to one of those awful ‘jailhouse’ things Elvis Presley sings about. I just couldn’t live out 35 of my twilight years without the comforting solace of Henry Blofeld’s cricket commentaries on the radio, you know.”

Mr Tappin then put on his favourite tweed jacket and flat cap, sang ‘My Old Man’s A Dustman’ and asked hopefully whether there was honey still for tea.

Nev Filter Annoys World By Staying Online

As the small, insignificant part of the world which is not the United States somehow manages to bump along for a day without the sum total of human knowledge which is Wikipedia, the Nev Filter proudly announced that it would be joining the heroic struggle to piss off internet users by continuing to shovel the usual rubbish into the worldwide web.

“SOPA – I have no sodding idea what that stands for, because I can’t wiki it – is undoubtedly the greatest threat to freedom the world has ever seen,” railed the horrified editor of the world’s most popular Plymouth-based satire site. “If you don’t contact a random US senator immediately to uphold Americans’ god-given right to steal anything they like off the internet, tomorrow your face will be nailed shut by some malevolent bastard from Sony Entertainment with a hammer. Have I got that right? It’s bloody impossible to check anything.”

While many essential toys – including Wikipedia, Reddit and the unmissable ‘Bobbi-Lee’s Kra-Z Life Of A Minnesota Mom (And Family!)’ blog – have been thrown out of the internet’s pram for 24 hours by their liberty-loving boards of directors, the Nev Filter has decided instead that the best way it can help to force the world’s attention onto this purely domestic US matter whether it cares or not is to adopt Facebook’s policy of continuing to irritate the crap out its long-suffering user base.

Britain And US ‘Not Ruling Out’ Invading Each Other

As the stakes rise inexorably in the battle of words over diverse international concerns ranging from persecution of citizens to securing oil supplies, British foreign secretary William Hague and his US counterpart Hillary Clinton are reported to be hastily drawing up contingency plans to invade and occupy each other’s sovereign nations.

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the American people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mr Hague. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden American people than the British, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

Hague and Clinton cordially exchanging threats

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the British people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mrs Clinton. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden British people than the Americans, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

The governments of Iran and Syria have lodged formal protests, however, observing that both Britain and the US also happen to be oil producers.

Nixon Was Black Vietcong Lesbian Jewish Draft Dodger, Claims Man With Book To Sell

An author who very much wants you to give him $25.99 insists that disgraced US president Richard Milhous Nixon may well have secretly been an actively black, Jewish, lesbian member of the Vietcong who for years ran the United States from across the Canadian border, it emerged today in newspapers in lieu of actual news.

Goddammit, Nixon

“The evidence is all there if you look for it,” explained Don Fulshit, “In a 6-point footnote on page 193 of my soon-to-be-bestseller, ‘Nixon’s Darkest Secrets’ (Thomas Dunne Books, $25.99), out next month.”

Fulshit also claims that, as a young US naval officer in World War II, the fanatical Shinto-worshipping Nixon personally guided kamikaze pilots onto the decks of every warship on which he served. After the war, he adds, a disillusioned but now radically-suntanned Nixon turned to communism and was recruited by the KGB, who ordered him to become the first black vice-president of the United States and help Senator ‘Red Joe’ McCarthy to plant communist sympathisers throughout Washington and Hollywood.

Goddammit, Nixon

It was during this period, says Fulshit, that the sexually-ambivalent Nixon was surgically transformed into a buxom woman and had a string of hushed-up lesbian affairs with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Doris Day.

1960, however, was a turning point in Nixon’s career of treachery. Disgusted by her arch-enemy John F Kennedy’s election victory, Nixon fled to Vietnam - where her communist fervour soon saw her leading Viet Cong assaults first against the French, and later her own countrymen.

Goddammit, Nixon

Returning as president to the United States after rigging the 1968 election with hundreds of forged megavotes, Nixon’s first supreme act of wanton treachery was to shamefully transfer the White House to Thunder Bay, Ontario to avoid military service. From then on, she dedicated her time in office to sabotaging the US military campaign in Vietnam – ordering USAF B-52s to airdrop bicycles on the Ho Chi Minh trail, for example - before her career of ignominy was finally brought to a close after she was discovered in the boiler room of Winnipeg’s exclusive Watergate Hotel, circumcising babies in Yiddish with a potato peeler.

“I am often asked, ‘Didn’t Nixon have any redeeming features?’” reflected Fulshit. “Well, I’ll say one thing for the old rogue: according to my meticulous research, she was absolutely incapable of lying.”

Missile Launching Added To 2012 Olympics

In deference to widespread American fears that the United Kingdom is populated entirely by the Taleban, London 2012 organisers have agreed that the two discretionary sports they can add to the Olympic roster will consist of surface-to-air and air-to-surface missile launching.

Run, Usain Bolt, run

“Each US entrant will have to compete encumbered with an FGM-148 Javelin man-portable wire-guided missile launcher,” Lord Coe told reporters. “While the weight of the missile, launch tube and guidance controls may prove something of a handicap, we are looking at ways to reward successful kills with time, distance or points bonuses.”

“Meanwhile, the US Air Force will be deploying its battle-tested A-10 tankbusters in the skies above London, ready to take on any challenges from other nations,” he added. “We shall, of course, be providing America’s gung-ho flyboys with the latest intel on the configuration and schedules of London’s buses and overground Tube services - so with a bit of luck there shouldn’t be that many regrettable blue-on-blue incidents.”

As an extra sop to frightened US competitors, each will be accompanied at all times by dedicated FBI agents, specially trained to hurl themselves bodily into the path of any incoming suicide bombers, gun-wielding fanatics or competitors.

Americans Still Not Entirely Clear On Definition Of ‘Insanely Dangerous’

Preserving aviation heritage, USA-style

As three Americans paid the ultimate price - with scores more suffering injuries - for standing under irreplaceable 70-year-old aircraft and watching highly-experienced idiots slam the throttles of their vintage engines into the red and cheerfully haul their fragile historic artifacts into maximum-G turns, a shocked America is asking itself whether its current definition of ‘insanely dangerous’ might possibly need some revision.

“In the field of aviation history, there are two prevailing schools of thought,” explained Wing Commander James Bigglesworth of the RAF Museum, Hendon. “One holds that, with the exception of careful demonstration flights by lavishly-maintained examples of the more common types, these priceless relics of the epic struggle against Nazism and unprovoked aggression should be preserved in climate-controlled buildings for future generations to appreciate and understand. And the other says let’s thrash these fuckers until they break.”

“For the non-technically minded, imagine that you are fascinated by the 18th century tableware of Josiah Wedgewood,” he explained helpfully. “You are accustomed to seeing delicate examples of china being kept safely in glass display cabinets, but then you go to Reno Museum and are horrified to see its exquisite Wedgewood collection being employed in a reckless attempt to smash the world record for simultaneous plate-spinning.”

“Hell, shit happens,” commented a spokesman, on this black day for the US warbird-wrecking industry. “But what the heck, we still got 203 Mustangs to play with.”

Jackie Kennedy: Martin Luther King Jr. A ‘Horrid Little Man’

The exquisitely gorgeous observations of the ineffable Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Oclotheshorse have finally been revealed to an adoring world, affording dowdy little people in off-the-peg tat a rare glimpse into the searingly perceptive mind of the best-dressed wife of somebody important ever to have graced the earth.

You can never hope to look this good

Jackie on Indian premier Indira Gandhi: “I suppose one might charitably begrudge her the tiniest semblance of chic in the choice of dishcloths she affects to wear, given that there probably isn’t enough money in her awful, smelly country to afford even the simplest Dior accessory; but why, why, why must she be so tiresomely middle-aged?”

Jackie on French president Charles de Gaulle: “His supercilious efforts to belittle me with snide compliments in his schoolboy French were, needless to say, no match for a Vassar alumna of my calibre. Quick as you please, I crushed him with a rapier-sharp haw-hee-haw.”

Jackie on Sir Winston Churchill: “Oh my, how he stank of wee.”

Jackie on President Lyndon B. Johnson: “A ghastly, unsophisticated oik from somewhere utterly unfashionable, compounded by the most dreadful potty mouth and an appalling taste in hats.”

Jackie on Martin Luther King Jr.: “A perfectly horrid little man, insulting the sacred memory of my darling Jack by presuming to turn up at the funeral with a skin like that. And a rapist too, no doubt; well, they all are, aren’t they?”

Hurricane Irene Vanishes Off Map As Swiftly As It Appeared

The devastating hurricane which has left the entire eastern seaboard of the United States submerged under thirty fathoms of water has suddenly ceased to exist, having now crossed into the fictional realm of Canada.

Hurricane Irene’s abrupt disappearance from the face of the earth is as rapid as its mysterious appearance out of nowhere - or the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, as they are also known to a handful of cartographers.

Vermont

As a pitiable handful of American survivors doggedly dived down to their sunken cities, searching desperately for a hardware store with portable generators in stock, the people of Haiti – which is still largely in ruins three years after being blasted by four hurricanes of such force that they made global headlines, even though they only devastated a third-world backwater whose people are only black – generously dug deep in their pockets to send emergency supplies of chilled Budweiser to the underwater state of Vermont.

“My heart goes out to the suffering white folks on America’s east coast,” said mango farmer Jean-Baptiste Veilleux, who is still searching for the remains of his family. “I am glad to donate a month’s income to alleviate their unimaginable suffering. I only hope that $30 will be enough to satisfy an American family’s urgent need for refreshing, ice-cold beers.”

US Construction Industry Still Not Entirely Clear On Concept Of Bricks And Mortar

As Hurricane Irene threatens to smash millions of flimsy wooden houses to matchwood and scatter the wreckage and its hapless occupants all over the east coast of America, the rest of the western world is desperately trying to understand why anyone in their right mind who lives in a corner of the globe noted for its extreme weather conditions would willingly choose to live in an overgrown shed in the first place.

“This is a brick, which is a reassuringly solid block made of baked clay,” explained a horrified British builder. “You stack them up on top of one another, offset by 50%, and put a layer of mortar in the middle – that’s a sort of quick-drying paste made of pulverised stone. When you’ve built up a rectangle of sufficient height, you top it off with a roof made of tiles, which are also made of stone. People can live in it for a couple of hundred years, despite pretty much anything the weather might throw at it. It’s been working pretty well over here for about eight centuries. You might want to give it a go.”

A typical American residential street

“Another thing you might want to bear in mind the next time the temperature drops to minus 20 is that bricks have pretty impressive insulating properties,” he added, “Planks, on the other hand, do not.”

Cowering Americans, however, stubbornly continue to believe that a flimsy assembly of timber easily recognisable to any time-warping refugee from the Dark Ages is the acme of a perfect dream home, even when it is hurtling through the sky at 90mph.

“The flight characteristics of wood are well-documented and epitomised by Britain’s legendary Mosquito fighter-bomber,” said Britain’s brick champion. “On the other hand, there’s a pretty obvious reason why no pilot ever took to the skies in The Bricky Wonder.”

China Explains Revised Principles Of Communism To Washington

It's what Marx would have wanted

1. Workless of the USA, get a job! You have nothing to lose but your food stamps.
2. From each according to his abilities, to each according to his shareholding.
3. Capital is reckless of the health or length of life of the labourer, so stop being ill and old.
4. Religion is the opium of the masses. So keep buying into that Protestant work ethic.
5. The theory of Chinese Communism may be summed up in one sentence: Abolish all welfare.

US Downgrade By Faceless Suits Proves Britain Was Right To Let Faceless Suits Off The Hook, Gloats Cameron

America today

The reduction of the United States’ credit rating from AAA to AA+ by a faceless bunch of corporate bastards in suits utterly vindicates Britain’s policy of giving all your money - and your children’s - and their children’s - to the faceless bunch of corporate bastards in suits who caused this mess in the first place, prime minister David Cameron boasted today from a sun-lounger next to his Tuscan holiday villa’s pool.

“So much for friend Obama’s wishy-washy efforts to shield the typical American worker from the worst effects of the recession,” he crowed as he poured himself another Pimms. “Pater was a stockbroker, as you know, and my first and fondest memory is of him throwing my Lego men into my potty, sitting me down and telling me, ‘Son, the way to get on in this life is to keep pooing on the little people, and the people who matter will always look after you.’”

“That’s what I’ve been doing ever since,” he smirked, “And the important people have indeed rewarded me with their coveted triple-A credit rating - despite the fact that we don’t make anything of value, we’ve used up all our natural resources and we’re not even clearing the interest on the national debt.”

Apple In Corporate Takeover Of USA

Think different

The Apple Corporation has bought the United States of America for an undisclosed sum, ex-president - now temporarily Acting CEO of Apple’s Geopolitical Resources (Transfer) Division - Barack Obama told a shocked America today in a televised address and handover ceremony.

“This ground-breaking deal makes Apple’s new iMerica instantly über-cool,” a visibly relieved Mr Obama told the nation, as he supervised the loading of a pallet-load of hundred-dollar bills aboard iForce One. “It also ensures that the bills will be paid during the transitional months as all the raw materials, plant and associated human resources are transferred to China. Ciao, guys, and stay groovy.”

Meanwhile, units of the iArmy have surrounded the Microsoft corporate campus in Redmond, WA, where a defiant Bill Gates is reported to have unilaterally declared independence from his hated rival Steve Jobs. Helicopters full of iMarines hover menacingly overhead, denying the renegade billionaire any opportunity of escaping to Canada, which he bought years ago with the profits from Windows 98SE.

Rick Astley To Resolve US Budget Deadlock

As the standoff between President Barack Obama and Republicans in the House of Representatives drags the United States inexorably closer to running out of cash to pay its bills, White House experts have invited lovable British pop veteran Rick Astley to apply his vocal talents to breaking the deadlock before the August 2 deadline.

“Ooh ooh,” commented Astley, 45, wasting no time in calling the warring factions together. “We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand.”

Indeed

House speaker John Boehnkers was clearly moved as 80s sensation Astley faithfully guaranteed never to give him up, let him down, run around, desert him, make him cry, tell a lie or hurt him. Turning to the president, Mr Astley went on: “We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it. Inside we both know what's been going on. We know the game and we're gonna play it.”

“And if you ask me how I'm feeling,” he added sagely, before making the same pledge to Mr Obama, “Don't tell me you're too blind to see.”

International credit rating agencies, meanwhile, stepped up efforts to ship giant ‘Closing Down - Everything Must Go!” billboards into the Washington area, ready for posting in front of federal buildings next Tuesday morning.

British Embassy In Washington To Erect Statue Of George III

Thank you, America

On the day when a tragically deluded USA foists yet another statue of Ronald Reagan on a strangely unimpressed world, Britain’s ambassador in Washington unveiled plans to erect a giant monument to America’s last monarch, George III, slap bang in the middle of the Washington Mall’s reflecting pool, which will undoubtedly amuse its hosts greatly with a huge fountain of water spraying endlessly from its private parts towards the Capitol.

“To be honest, we’d have clean forgotten barmy old George by now, but for the sterling efforts of FilmFour,” announced Sir Nigel Elton Sheinwald, “If millions of comments on YouTube are to be believed, however, it seems you chaps think of little else. So, to demonstrate the British people’s gratitude for the unsought gift of a statue of your greatest loony – which we hope to complement with the addition of his talented co-star, Bonzo - we’d like to return the favour by presenting you with one of ours.”

Appropriately, the staggering cost of constructing and maintaining the towering edifice is to be met according to strict Reaganomic principles, i.e. never.

Cheryl Cole Speaks Out About Shock Departure From US X Factor – Fans None The Wiser

Howay mon, wor Cheryl's gannin yem

Barack Obama: Live At Westminster Hall

It's the way he tells 'em!

That Hilarious Comedy Routine In Full

“My Lord Chancellor, Mr Speaker, Mr Prime Minister, my Lords, and Members of the House of Commons: Hi there Parliament, howya doin’?”

(Five-minute standing ovation)

“The Pope, Queen Elizabeth Two, Nelson Mandela and the President of the United States walk into a bar! Pope orders a double vodka - he gets served! Queen asks for a whajjacallit, pinta? – she gets served! Nelson ‘Mr Picky’ Mandela wants a Stellenbosch dry white wine – barman even finds that for him! President Yours Truly asks for a Bud – lousy barkeep says, ‘Sorry, pal - I gotta see proof of ID!’ Woo! Alright!”

(MPs rolling in aisles, lords a-leaping, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown slapping each other on back, etc.)

“Ya bin a grade audience… er – “ (checks iPhone schedule app) “ – Lunnon! See ya soon! Say - which goddam way is France?”

(Rapturous applause lasting until tomorrow)