Eight Grand And Your Doolally Parents' House Is Yours, Promise Tories

A Conservative government will allow you keep your rightful inheritance when you drag your babbling old mother off to a granny farm, shadow death secretary Angela Lansbury promised middle-aged voters in Middle England today.

"Just a small one-off payment of £8,000 to my entirely trustworthy, caring friends in the private insurance industry will guarantee not only that your tiresomely barmy parents get a spoonful of cock-a-leekie shovelled into their gaping mouths twice a day and their pissy bloomers changed once a week by a resentful chav on a care apprenticeship," smiled Mr Lansley, "But, more importantly, that you get your mitts on their fully-paid-for des. res. in the stockbroker belt."

"Of course, they will only be able to make the payment when they reach the age of 65," he continued. "So those who have passed that age already - or, for that matter, are such unutterable oiks that they don't have two pennies to rub together - will be catered for by the installation of a stench detector in their homes, which will send an urgent alarm call to the nearest funeral parlour when their neglected corpse starts seeping through the floorboards, minimising the damage to be put right before you sell the place. Unless it's a horrid rented property - in which case you should take comfort from the knowledge that their long-overdue demise is helping to reduce Britain's chronic housing shortage."

"And they'd probably have voted Labour anyway," he added, "So it's no great loss to the world."

When asked how the insurers were to make themselves a respectable profit on the £8,000 payment when average residential care costs for the elderly weigh in at £26,000 a year, the white-haired Tory detective pointed out that many elderly people would make the payment in good faith, and then obligingly top themselves in a variety of tragic but cost-saving accidents before the onset of dementia.

"The more their friends and neighbours slip in the bath, tumble down the stairs, keel over with a coronary in the excitement of a bowls tournament or waddle out in front of an eighteen-wheeler, the longer your silly old nan can linger in a care home, spouting her annoying twaddle about all the coloureds, bringing back national service and the birch and how spry Bruce Forsyth is looking for his age," he explained cheerfully.

Feckless Baby Becomes Britain's Youngest Irresponsible Parent

A baby has become Britain's youngest dad at the age of two months, after impregnating his twin sister while still in his mother's womb.

"Young Jossyouwere is like rilly mature friz age an' will make an ace farva an' shit innit," insisted proud 13-year-old grandfather Coady-Leee. "Fruh start, right, 'e juss luvs playin' wiv 'is toys, so 'e'll be spendin' loadsa quality time like wiv da nippa when it evenchooly gits artuv its ventilator yeh?"

The proud parents are thought to have formed their relationship whilst developing in their 16-year-old mother's amniotic fluid, with doctors noticing the two foetuses energetically experimenting with sex during ultrasound scans.

"Lookit this bit 'ere," laughed Coady-Leee as he loaded a DVD into his Playstation. "E's 'avin' a blow-job orf 'is sista, the dirty litto sod! Them older birds is proppa gaggin' frit, jenotamean? Cor, the expression on 'is uggaly litto face, eh? 'E's gunna piss 'isself wun day wen 'e seez us passin' it round us mates on me moby."

"Oy, yer randy litto bastud, I wornjer befaw 'bout starin' at yer muvver's tits din I? I got a knife 'ere innit," he added.

Meanwhile, the 75-gram infant has not been given a name yet, as nursing staff say it will be several weeks before the eyeless thing develops any visible signs of whether it is a boy or a girl.

"We's finkin' uv waiting till its mum an' dad learn to tork proppa, then they kin choose a name theirselves," said Coady-Leee, "Though I reckon Docta Oo ud be pretty wikkid."

The thumbnail-sized foetus is the doyen of the nursing staff in the Intensive Not-Expected-To-Live Ward of St Billy-Bob's Hospital, where it is already said to be leaning out of its ventilator and squeaking incomprehensible gibberish whenever anyone passes by.

Would Tony Blair Really Want To Be Awarded Unquestioned Mastery of 500 Million People?

As voters in the Irish Republic flock to the polls to say whether they would prefer to be ruled by a gang of corrupt European thieves rather than the home-grown variety, Tony Blair is maintaining an enigmatic silence over media speculation that he is to be handed the job of Supreme Ruler of Europe on a plate.

"The last time the Irish electorate was allowed to accept the wonderful Lisbon Treaty, the silly sods voted 'no' instead of 'yes'," said an European official with a blank mask of skin where a face should be. "This time the ballot paper has been simplified. Voters can vote 'right' or 'wrong' - 'right' meaning they want the treaty and 'wrong' meaning they realise they made a ghastly mistake last time they voted."

Tony Blair, meanwhile, will also be offered the opportunity to vote on whether he wants to be made President of Europe, with expanded, wide-ranging powers whose exact nature is buried so deep within the 30 million pages of the Lisbon treaty that several teams of researchers have been reported lost without trace.

It is thought that, despite earning millions a year telling two international banking conglomerates that labour costs in the developing world are attractively cheap, reaping a fortune on the US lecture circuit by telling wealthy people whatever they want to hear and running a foundation which urges everyone to accept without question the absolute authority of a remote, all-powerful being over all aspects of their everyday lives, Mr Blair might be feeling a little nostalgic for the days when he could turn on the television and see his smug, beaming face spouting a never-ending stream of empty platitudes, morning, noon and night.

Cherie Blair, meanwhile, is said to be occupying her time in between well-rewarded court appearances by doodling designs for an imposing costume on the back of legal documents - often including such understated elements as croziers, shiny black uniforms, gold-embroidered robes and jewel-encrusted crowns.

Newly-Released Video Tops Charts In Shalitmania-Struck Israel

Captured soldier Gilad Shalit's long-awaited new video has broken all records in Israel, going straight to the top of the Israeli charts on the day it was released.

The 23-year-old member of the Israeli Defence Force rocketed to fame two years ago when Palestinian agents dug under the wall that Israel built around them, made an unscheduled personal appearance at a border checkpoint and selected him at gunpoint from several rival candidates, ensuring worldwide headlines for the young Israeli. He has spent the intervening time being carefully groomed for stardom in an undisclosed location in the Gaza, prior to today's dazzling launch of his debut video in a worldwide blaze of publicity.

The video went on sale in Israel at the very reasonable price of just 20 Palestinian women.

"We all love Gilad Shalit! He's like totally dreamy. I go all damp just thinking about him," screamed a typical semi-hysterical fan, prime minister Benjamin Netunyahu, jumping up and down and clutching a picture of his heart-throb. "I'd be prepared to do absolutely anything for a chance to see him live on stage in Tel Aviv."

"Regardless of international opinion," he added.

Thousands of Corpses In Poor Half of World Selfishly Steal Media Spotlight From Labour

As the Labour Party conference begins to wind down in Brighton, poor people in the developing world made a shameless attempt to push Gordon Brown and the Labour fightback from the front pages by dying in droves from a variety of natural disasters.

Thousands are believed to have died in a tragic publicity stunt on the Indonesian island of Sumatra in the wake of a earthquake measuring 7.6 on the publicity scale. As more tremors rocked buildings in the shattered city of Padang, a health ministry spokesman put the known death toll at 529, adding that helicopters and camera crews were still trying to reach outlying towns and villages to ask the survivors what they thought of Labour Party members pushing through changes in the selection of National Policy Forum members.

Meanwhile, as South-East Asia mourns the 383 victims of typhoon Ketsana, rescue organisers declared themselves so pleased with the three column inches the story has stolen from Labour that they are planning to unveil a sequel later today.

And the news that the official death toll of 146 victims of the six-metre tsumanis that struck Samoa on Tuesday was likely to rise by several hundred was sufficient to relegate David Miliband's spirited attack on the Sun's withdrawal of support to a mere two sentences at the tail-end of a lunchtime news bulletin on BBC Radio 6.

Conference organisers are reported to be furious at the effrontery of the third world's blatant publicity-seeking efforts.

"This is an outrageous attempt to steal our thunder," said one party insider. "Not to mention our torrential rain, mudslides, towering waves of death and yawning chasms. I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if David Cameron wasn't behind it all."

"Save the planet, vote Labour," he added hopefully.

Skivvies' New Right To Insultingly Low Wage Devastates Hospitality Industry

Thousands of restaurants across Britain boarded themselves up and called in the receivers this afternoon, as today's introduction of a ban on using tips as an excuse to pay staff a pitiful insult of a wage, together with a 7p rise in the national minimum wage, combined to drive them into instant bankruptcy.

"Have you any fucking idea how fucking low the fucking margins are on a £45 set fucking lunch of paella-style saffron fucking risotto, with a main fucking course of braised fucking ox-cheek in red fucking wine and a lemon fucking meringue and almond fucktart for fucking dessert?" screamed Gordon Ramsay, as he nailed the last plank across the doors of his 68 Royal Hospital Road flagship eaterie. "A lot of the fuckers who stuff their fucking guts here don't even fucking bother paying the fucking optional 12.5% gratuity. If it wasn't for the fucking £fucking8 fucking charge for a fucking selection of fucking cheeses from the fucktrolley I'd have fucking gone bust years a-fucking-go."

"Fuck the fucking fuck," he added.

However, business secretary Lord Mandelson defended the changes as "a basic issue of fairness".

"When I leave a tip, I don't expect it to be used to make up the minimum wage," he told reporters as he tucked into a meal at Brighton's top-rated surviving restaurant, Planet India. "First, I want it to go to the person who has served me as a thank-you for their service - that's lovely, Anish, you can stop kissing my feet now, but do make sure you wipe your vile slobber off my shoes - and then I want it to go to the Treasury as an increase in their National Insurance deductions."

Digital Cockup A Success, Say Bastards Responsible For Digital Cockup

Millions of people are today counting their blessings for the privilege living in the digital age, after the great Freeview cockup removed useless TV channels full of crap from their lives and replaced them with some different channels full of crap.

At lunchtime today, 18 million viewers simply retuned their TVs, swore as their living rooms were filled by insane stuttering and broken-up pictures, dug out a tatty user manual, flicked through it, tore it up, trawled through dozens of menus before finding the factory reset, retuned their sets again, unplugged them from the mains then plugged them back in again, tried the manual tuning option out of sheer desperation, looked at their watches, told the TV to go fuck itself, kicked the cat, then repeated the entire process for the hard-disk recorder and several set-top boxes scattered round the house before sitting down for a long night's effort to persuade Windows Media Center that the analogue signal may no longer exist.

Members of the public were warned beforehand that any equipment bought on a Tuesday with an O, W or S in the manufacturer's name or a 2 in the model number should be hit repeatedly with a claw hammer before being disposed of thoughtfully, as attempting to retune such unholy equipment is liable to summon Satan forth from his fiery pit.

"I don't care too much about losing ITV3 or ITV4, because I saw UFO and Kojak thirty years ago and they were shite then," said Stan Wiggins, a coffin-dodger from Tavistock. "All I want is BBC1, BBC2 and ITV. Now it's like watching a different 5,000-piece jigsaw with half the pieces missing, 25 times a second. I said no good would come of it when they brought out colour telly, and it gives me no pleasure at all to say 'I told you so'."

Journalists all over the country cheerfully reprinted a press release saying that the digital cockup had been a success unparalleled in the history of broadcasting, and settled down in front of their Sky-HD box to watch a film that is so new it hasn't even been finished yet.

Britain Awakes To New Government As US Citizen Votes Conservatives Into Power

Britain woke up this morning to a new era of prosperity, happiness and perky, nubile breasts today, after last night's snap election saw the Conservatives swept into office thanks to a massive swing to the right by the electorate, Mr Rupert Murdoch.

"The voter rang me yesterday evening from his Malibu beach house and told me that he had had just about all he could take under a Labour government, so he had decided to vote Conservative," said the voter's son James, the chief executive of News Corporation Europe. "According to the time-honoured traditions of our democratic society, he put his mark on the front page of the Sun and consigned the Labour Party to the dustbin of history."

"Let us hope that David Cameron will bring a fresh new approach," he continued. "The first priority is to get business back on its feet, and he could make a start by abolishing Britain's Stalinist diktats restricting ownership of the media, outlawing the hated BBC propaganda ministry and relaxing the outdated impartiality regulations which cruelly prevent the nation's viewers from receiving the full benefit of the fair and balanced reporting style pioneered by Fox News Channel in the US."

Analysts say that the electorate's 100% swing from left to right, although unprecedented, is not entirely unexpected.

"Rupert Murdoch is a very experienced voter, having been the deciding factor in elections all over the world for several decades," commented political editor Adam Boulton of Sky News. "Millions of Sun readers will be forever grateful to him for selflessly relieving them of the onerous burden of thinking for themselves, and can once again look to the future with hope, and to Page 3 with a hand down their trousers."

Gordon Brown In Terminal Condition

After a week of speculation about Gordon Brown's alleged health problems, senior Labour figures privately admitted today that the embattled prime minister is indeed in the final stages of terminal uselessness.

"Gordon's inner circle has known for years that he was becoming useless," said a Chancellor of the Exchequer, speaking on condition of anonymity. "It began way back before 1997, when he agreed over lunch to hand the party leadership over to Tony Blair. But since he took over as PM, the tell-tale signs of encroaching uselessness have been there for all to see, if you knew what to look for. Now he's just a helpless, tragic figure who spends his days crying out for an end to his misery."

"The kindest thing would be for a loved one to load him on the first available flight to Switzerland," agreed former home secretary Charles Clarke. "But to escape prosecution on their return to the UK, that person would have to prove that they were not benefiting in any way from his demise - and there isn't a single person in the whole country who could stand up in court and honestly swear they wouldn't be better off without Gordon."

"Besides," he added, "Would anybody be prepared to admit they were close to Gordon Brown?"

The prime minister, meanwhile, was still doggedly refusing to admit that he was imperfect in any way at all. Lying on a hospital gurney attached to various drips (Lord Mandelson and Caroline Flint), he was wheeled onstage at the party's Brighton conference to tell snoring delegates that he was absolutely fighting fit.

"I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that I have runs for an hour every morning," wheezed the pain-filled PM. "Believe me, you'll soon find out that I can run you all into the ground!"

"Please, somebody, put an end to this unbearable torment," groaned the dying party.

You Have a Woman's Skull, Mein Führer

Adolf Hitler is alive and well and planning to unleash an unstoppable army of fanatical Nazi clones on a defenceless world, warned an archaeologist who claims that a bullet-pierced skull fragment long believed to belong to the evil dictator is in fact that of a woman.

"At the end o' the worr, a weary world needed to know that the corrs of so much inhuman suffering were, loike, definitely dead 'n' gone, oo arr," explained Phil from Time Team, an acknowledged expert on holes in the ground who carries an unrivalled collection of 206 assorted human bones around with him at all times. "So they Russians prodooced a few charred bits o' bone, everyone agreed they looked distinctly like Hitler and moved on."

"But 'twere orl a terrible case of wishful thinkin', loike," he warned. "That there 'itler chap, 'e probbly slipped out o' Germany amid all the chaos, mebbe entertainin' unsuspectin' British troops boi doin' Charlie Chaplin impressions in a tourin' concert party. Roight now, there moight be an embittered 120-year-old führer sittin' insoide an extinct volcano, puttin' the final touches to his insane plans to establish a Fourth Reich. Moine's a point o' scrumpy, Mick."

Wavering Labour grandee Lord Mandelson seized on the announcement with glee, humbly offering his services to any right-wing loony who might be running things in a year's time. However, World War II experts have reacted with caution to Phil from Time Team's astonishing claim.

"Interesting though this muddy bumpkin's theory may be, we cannot completely discount the possibility that the führer may simply have been a woman who went to unusual lengths to explain away a tragic facial hair problem," said the renowned war historians, Peter and Dan Snow, releasing a swarm of miniature blue and red armies from a large mapcase on the bonnet of a Range Rover. "That might explain a few things."

"Blimey," said the world's leading historyologist, Tony Robinson, turning to a graphic design flunky with a laptop. "Imagine Hitler with tits."

You And Your Mates Are Probably Pervs, But £67 Each Should Sort It - Ofsted

You and your best friend are filthy child-molesting perverts, said Ofsted today, but your children will be OK if you both give the government some money.

The advice comes after two Milton Keynes policewomen were revealed for the sick paedophiles they are, after they shamelessly concocted an evil plot to take turns looking after each other's children when one of them was working.

"Offering to look after your best mate's kids if they do the same for you? Hah! That's one of the oldest trust-building tricks in the Pervs' Handbook," sneered an Ofsted spokesman. "Only the security of knowing that you and your mate have each handed over £67 to the government for a criminal record check will guarantee safety for your vulnerable little ones. And theirs, you sick monster."

"On the other hand, if it's a one-way trade, well, that's perfectly OK," he added. "Only a saint anointed by the Almighty Himself would offer to look after your children for no reward but the simple pleasure of having your children."

"We can't have people doing things for each other out of friendship," said a spokesman for the government. " Where would that end, I ask you? In no time at all you'd be staring the breakdown of society itself squarely in the face. I mean, where's our cut?"

Pope Urges Czechs to Submit To Idolised Authority Figure

On a visit to the Czech Republic, His Holiness The Überpope has spoken out against the religious repression inflicted by its former communist rulers, while celebrating Mass in a cowpat-strewn field near Brno-Turany Airport.

"It is nearly tventy years since ze overthrow of ze evil sub-human communist schwein - so vy has ze entire Czech Republic still not fallen to its knees und turned to me?" he asked an elderly Catholic heifer, as it idly chewed his gold-laced robes.

Since the Velvet Revolution brought about the bloodless fall of the old communist regime, the majority of Czechs have so far failed to undergo a heady religious revival, inexplicably preferring to get on with their lives and modernise their country.

"History has demonstrated ze absurdities to vich man descends ven he excludes a certain central authority figure from ze horizon of his choices und actions," continued God's favourite former flakhilfer, ducking as an Airbus screamed overhead on full thrust.

"Before ze murdering communist scum invaded Czechoslovakia in 1945, all vos peace, order und light," screamed the dung-covered pontiff as he rose to his feet. "Vy vill you Slav untermensch not submit to ze authority of ein irresistible charismatic figure from ze past?"

The former Hitler Youth was then chased out of the field by a charging bull of the non-Papal variety, which expressed a keen interest in his red vestments.

"I varn you, zere will be repercussions," howled God's vicar on earth from the safety of a slurry pit.

Britain and France have so far shown little interest in the Pope's visit.