Friday, 19 December 2008

Red Planet Was Fizzy, Says NASA

NASA is a step closer to discovering whether life may once have existed on Mars, after the discovery by its Reconnaissance Orbiter of carbonate rocks on the red planet.  All of the necessary ingredients for the rocks exist on Mars, so their apparent absence was an ongoing mystery.
Some scientists think that their rarity may be due to high acidity levels in Mars' now-vanished waters. However, a new theory from NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory suggests that Mars was once covered with seas of cherryade, providing a neat explanation for the redness of the planet, and the present absence of life.
"If Mars has carbonate rocks, then it must have had carbonated water to make them," explained NASA's excited chief rocket scientist, Randy von Braun. "As everybody knows, the main occurrence of red carbonated water on Earth is in cheap supermarket cherryade - and God only knows where it all comes from or how it's made. My theory, then - get this - is that all of the cherryade in the universe originally came from Mars. Yeah? Check it out."
Dr von Braun went on to surmise that cherryade would have occurred naturally on Mars millions of years ago, through the random molecular interaction of molecules and stuff. Vast oceans of cherryade swiftly covered the entire surface of the planet and, for a while, other civilisations flocked to the planetary soda fountain and spread the new wonder-beverage throughout the galaxies.
However, after a period of time - which may have been several million years, says Dr von Braun, or more likely a day or two - the oceans of fizzy pop went flat, as the now-located carbonate rocks absorbed the carbon dioxide. Interstellar interest in our solar system swiftly evaporated - as did the fizz-free cherryade, leaving behind only an unpleasant-tasting residue which has stained the entire planet red.
Researchers are studying the theory with interest, and are already talking about a mission to Jupiter, to see if its thick atmosphere conceals vast oceans of Coca-Cola.

Met Police Reject Calls For Inquiry Into Staggering Incompetence

The Metropolitan Police have said there is no need for an inquiry into why they fitted up an innocent man for the 1994 killing of Rachel Nickell, when the real killer - Robert Napper, a convicted rapist and murderer - was under their noses all the time.
"No inquiry is needed, as we are fully aware of what went wrong here," said Assistant Commissioner John Yates. "Our investigation methods have changed since the 90s. Colin Stagg got banged up for a crime he didn't commit and he just  wouldn't bloody shut up about it, which maintained public interest in the case. That scenario simply wouldn't happen now, as we'd have shot him in the head thirteen times when we went to arrest him. Nothing to see here. Move along."

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

MEPs Vote To Abolish Slavery In Britain

European parliamentarians - including most Labour MEPs - have voted today to end Britain's jealously-guarded right to treat ordinary working people like slaves, despite stern opposition from Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
The move means that the EU directive limiting the working week to 48 hours will finally come into force in Britain - unless the UK government can successfully argue that its citizens are some kind of sub-human race, unworthy of being treated with the basic decency and dignity that most European nationals take for granted.
Taking time out from drawing up redundancy lists, British business leaders were quick to deprecate the decision.
"This is an insult to our great nation," said a spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry. "Way back in 1993, the Conservative government successfully argued that the UK should retain its sovereign right to ruthlessly exploit its workforce. Ever since, the Labour Party has seen fit to maintain the time-honoured position that the average British worker is nothing but a resource on the balance sheet, to be cynically worn out and discarded at our whim."
"It's my traditional British birthright, as a loyal subject of Her Imperial Majesty the Queen, to be driven like a common beast of burden until I am ground down to a burned-out husk by years of relentless, soul-crushing overwork," said one haggard worker as he set fire to a European Union flag, generously given to him in lieu of a day's pay by his bosses. "Who do these jumped-up Eurocrats think they are, putting my physical and mental well-being over the profits of my employers? It's just another victory for Hitler."
"Don't worry," the Prime Minister told the nation. "Before this can be brought into UK law, we will engage in negotiations with the European ministers. I am confident that these talks will outlast me, you and possibly all life on this planet. Until then, it's back to work, scum. Get back up those chimneys."

Lost City Unearthed

The remains of an entire ancient city have been uncovered on the remote Atlantic coast of Devon, say excited archaeologists.
The city is thought to date from the Lary culture which ruled Britain in the mid-1980s, although some structures may date back as far as the 1950s.
The city - which was abandoned and buried by successive governments - shows macabre evidence of human sacrifice, with tens of thousands of victims of defence cuts unceremoniously dumped on the rubbish tip.
Excavators say the city enjoyed a once-thriving maritime culture, but its primitive rulers maintained a rigid, short-sighted attitude that failed to change with the times, resulting in cultural and economic stagnation. The city died a lingering death, and its forgotten inhabitants degenerated into a life of savage ignorance.
Among the rare finds that have been uncovered are ceramics (in the form of thousands of empty glasses and bottles), unfashionable cheap clothing bearing a variety of logos of yesteryear, and the remains of a young woman, still poignantly clutching a pregnancy testing kit.
The media were briefly stirred by the momentous discovery and hastily checked Wikipedia for references to the tragic lost city of Plymouth, before forgetting all about it again for another couple of thousand years.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Banks Urge Government To Reclaim Pensions-Error Money, Give It To Banks

The government is facing calls from the banking sector to claw back £126m in overpayments made to public-sector pensioners since 1978. Although it is to amend future payments, the government has said it had no plans to reclaim money already paid out - estimated to average £1300 per pensioner.
In a joint letter to Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the heads of Britain's leading financial industries said that the money would be much better spent on them instead.
"What are these former pen-pushing civil servants, lefty teachers and time-serving grunts spending this misbegotten cash on?" they asked. "Werther's Originals, subscriptions to Reader's Digest and People's Friend, mountains of cat food and bloody scratchcards, in all probability. What the hell is the good of that? It is only thanks to our sheer brilliance and unstinting hard work that Britain is the country it is today - this money should be going into our pockets, not somebody else's."
Low-paid workers who have been pushed deeper into poverty by the government's relentless pursuit of tax-credit overpayments in the last few years also expressed their outrage that the government was allowing the pensioners to get off scot-free and keep the money.
"Well, perhaps if you'd voted Labour as regularly and uncritically as your elderly relatives, we might give a shit," said a Treasury spokesman.

'Use Our Leaky, Rotten Browser Or Face The Consequences', Microsoft tells Web Users

Computer software giant Microsoft has urged net users to ignore the advice of internet security experts, who have strongly urged people to use alternatives to  Internet Explorer until Microsoft pull their fingers out of their arses and get around to fixing the browser's latest security flaw.
The latest in a never-ending catalogue of security breaches is said to mainly affect IE7, though Microsoft admitted that all versions were at risk from a trojan virus which - as usual - exploits yet another undocumented flaw in the browser to steal the user's passwords.
"Our research shows that the majority of PC owners are sheep-like morons who automatically use Internet Explorer without thinking, thanks to our highly-successful policies of filling schools with our heavily-discounted software and bribing the media with freebies to write cheerily uncritical puff-pieces on our product launches," said a Microsoft spokesman. "However, some smart-arsed heretics out there use rebel browsers like Firefox and Chrome, which aren't illegal but should be. Our constant fear is that one day the world will wake up and realise that non-Microsoft products might actually be as good as - or indeed better than - ours. Now here's God - and I warn you, he's not happy."
The scowling face of Bill Gates then appeared on every screen in the world to tell web users that their personal details were already common knowledge to dodgy computer frauds, and that if any disloyal traitor should use a non-Microsoft browser and subsequently wake up one morning to find their hard drive mysteriously full of underage porn and their house full of insane vigilantes wielding meat-cleavers, he certainly wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Monday, 15 December 2008

Patriotic Plymouth Bucks Decline In Traditional British Punch-Ups

Violent crime in the National Mental Isolation Unit (formerly known as Plymouth) is up by a worrying 58%, according to figures obtained by the local parish magazine.

Front-page headlines in the Herald highlighting the disturbing rise - which bucks the national trend - sparked punch-ups in newsagents and supermarkets, and spontaneous rioting was reported in the city's three traditional fight arenas of Union Street, Mutley Plain and the historic Barbican.

"In other parts of the country violent crime is on the wane, thanks to high-visibility policing and Gordon Brown's inspired fiddling of the statistics," Vivien Pengelly, leader of Plymouth City Council, told the Nev Filter. "However, in Plymouth there is a large population of ignorant fuckers who are genetically closer to bonobo chimpanzees than human beings. When they get excited they either fight or fuck. Or both at the same time."

"Y'want some, wanka?" she added. "Come on, then."

"As a matter of urgency, we are implementing an action plan to deal with the escalating violence in Plymouth," warned the Chief Constable, Stephen Otter. "We are putting extra officers 'on the beat', which means they will beat seven colours of shit out of every fucker that crosses their path. That should teach them. Got a problem with that, y'cunt?"

Concerned community leaders from notorious flashpoints such as the Barbican, Barne Barton, Cattedown, Chaddlewood, the City Centre, Crownhill, Derriford, Devonport, Efford, Eggbuckland, Estover, Ham, Hartley, Higher and Lower Compton, Laira, Manadon, Mannamead, Marsh Mills, Mount Wise, Mutley, North Hill, Pennycomequick, Pennycross, Plymstock, Plympton, Southway, St. Budeaux, St. Judes, St. Peter's, Stonehouse, Tamerton Foliot, West Hoe and Whitleigh are meeting up in North Prospect to discuss the problem with an assortment of clubs, knives and broken bottles.

The Nev Filter sent a work-experience trainee out onto the streets of the city to canvass local opinion. After being repeatedly asked what the fuck he thought he was looking at, he is now continuing his investigations in the A&E unit of Derriford Hospital, another well-known hot-spot for fights.

Meanwhile, local tourism chiefs tried to talk up the city's unfortunate reputation as the arse end of Britain with the slogan: "Come to Plymouth and Fuck Off."

Unmutated Child Found In Plymouth

In the culmination of months of quality journalism, Plymouth's local parish magazine has finally announced the winner of its Non-Mutant Baby of the Year Competition.

The winning baby, Sammy-Leeanne, was praised by judges for having two eyes, one nose, one mouth and a pair of ears, and all in the right place.

"Of course, the photographs only show the baby's face," said the Herald's editor, "For all we know, little Sammy-Leeanne could have fins and a prehensile tail. Still, at least she has a humanoid head, which is an improvement on most of the population round here."

The rare, human-faced baby and its low-radiation mother are to receive tickets out of Plymouth.

Unions Urge Brown To Prop Up Woefully Mismanaged Car-Makers

Unions have added their voices to calls for the UK government to throw some more money it hasn't got into the gaping chasm of business finance.

"Since you're giving it away like there's no tomorrow, Gordon, how about a bung to what we in the trade laughingly refer to as the British car industry?" said Tony Woodley, joint leader of Unite. "Otherwise the few remaining workers who serve the mighty robots might lose their jobs. Sod everyone else - if the bastards hadn't stopped buying cars, we wouldn't be in this mess."

Senior figures in the motor industry squealed their agreement and pointed to their gaping beaks.

"Admittedly the continued existence of the UK motor industry is entirely at the mercy and whim of the American, Japanese, Chinese, French and German companies who actually own it," added Mr Woodley, "But I'm sure they wouldn't turn down a couple of billion of taxpayers' cash to cover their embarrassment at making long-term financial plans predicated solely on the somewhat fanciful notion that the economic boom would last forever. Go on, widoncha. It's not like it's your money, is it?"

Outrage Over Plan To Bury Dead Body With Other Dead Bodies

Widespread public concern was expressed today over the announcement that Christopher Foster - the millionaire who murdered his wife and daughter before setting fire to their mansion and killing himself - will be buried in a family plot next to his victims.

"His evil spirit will torment the corpses of his wife and daughter for all eternity," said one shocked non-relative. "What kind of sick justice is that?"

Another person entirely unconnected with the family suggested that, in the event of a zombie outbreak, the reanimated cadavers of Jill and Kirstie Foster would suffer the unspeakable horror of embarking on their flesh-eating rampage in the company of the callous husband and father who so brutally snuffed out their lives.

Headlines such as "Will Their Suffering Never End?" and "Bury This Monster On A Landfill Site" screamed out from the tabloids.

"Oh, for God's sake grow up," said a bishop this morning. "They're dead, OK?"

Sunday, 14 December 2008

"And a Merry Christmas to You," Bush Thanks Iraqi For Thoughtful Shoe Gift

As he flies home from his unannounced photo-opportunity in Iraq, US President George Bush is reported to be very pleased with the gift of a nice pair of shiny shoes from a local journalist.

The unnamed Iraqi reporter delivered the early Christmas present at high velocity at a press conference. He was immediately surrounded by an appreciative group of security guards, who congratulated him on his seasonal offering by good-naturedly slapping him on the back, face, groin and kidneys while the beaming president looked on.

Mr Bush had previously been participating in a festive party game with the Iraqi government on Saturday to see who could come up with the silliest word. The US team were declared the winners, after Defense Secretary Robert Gates reduced players to tears of laughter with his straight-faced claim that the process of "drawdown" had begun.

The Truth? You Can't Handle The Truth

A wicked teacher, who left a group of Year 3 pupils shocked and upset after gratuitously telling them a fact, has been sacked by Oldham Council.

Parents were beside themselves with anger when their children stumbled home in tears after the evil, twisted supply teacher at Blackshaw Lane Primary School told them that Father Christmas wasn't real, and their presents were just bought for them in a shop by their parents.

"It is not for teachers to contradict any child's fondly-held beliefs with inconvenient facts," said a spokesman for the council, adding that the head of the school had been ordered to write out 'My staff must not tell the truth' 500 times.

"I'm bloody fuming, like," said one local parent. "Next thing, some bastard might be telling my precious little darling that the world doesn't actually revolve around him, or he might need to work a tiny bit harder if he doesn't want to look forward to a life of stacking shelves. That would just break his little heart. The next teacher I run into is going to get a right lamping, so help me God."

Other concerned parents agreed, saying that if this sort of thing wasn't stamped out, their little men and princesses might even get the impression that, far from mummy loving daddy and dearly wanting to start a family, the harsh truth was that they were no more than the unwanted result of a furtive, fumbling shag behind the pub after an ill-considered night of pissing it up on the Bacardi Breezers.

The Nev Filter asked some typical seven-year-olds what cherished beliefs they held to be true - but, unfortunately, all we gleaned from our research was that they were all a bunch of hopelessly self-deluded little gits.

Voter Disillusion Spreads To TV

Millions of reality television fans expressed their total disgust with the democratic process, as they heard the news that all three couples in Strictly Come Dancing were allowed through to next week's final after a tie in the judges' decisions effectively nullified the viewers' votes.

"It's a bloody fix innit?" said one former fan, speaking for many. "If voting changed anything, they'd ban it."

Angry fans were divided on the way forward, however. Some favoured anarchy, with all dancers performing simultaneously until they individually decided to stop dancing and do something else. Others said that what was needed was the emergence of a strong, no-nonsense leader who would simply tell people which dance couple was the best, and execute the rest.

One older viewer, who suggested that each pair should dance to the best of their ability and be awarded prizes according to their needs, was laughed at by all the others and told to wake up to the reality of reality shows in the 21st century.