“I was just pushing my pavement cleaning machine along, as I do every morning,” explained Anchal Parekh, “All of a sudden I was abused by terrible shrieks coming from a pile of filthy blankets on a bench. Some of the words were not very nice at all. I was just trying to do my job. I shouldn’t have to put up with hurtful insults from a rich man’s wife in the course of my duties.”
The argument swiftly escalated, and police were called after seven-year-old Romeo punched Mrs Parekh’s supervisor in the groin.
A spokesman for the British Transport Police confirmed that a Mr and Mrs Beckham were down in the cells, and that their children Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz were currently being looked after by social workers.
“It appears that the Beckhams were living rough on the advice of their somewhat parsimonious new accountant, who had earlier pointed out how much money they were wasting by keeping a small army of staff to look after their 14 homes,” he told reporters. “Apparently his exact words were ‘You can afford to employ all of these people. But why the hell do you?’ From what we can gather, Mrs Beckham immediately took it upon herself to sack them all and put the houses on the market, but unfortunately neglected to exclude the one they were staying in at the time. The Hertfordshire mansion was promptly snapped up by a Kuwaiti buyer, who told Mr Beckham his services would no longer be required as he would be bringing his own servants, and handed them £50,000 cash in lieu of notice to vacate the premises immediately.”
A spokesman for Islington Council said the pair would be welcome to put themselves on the social housing register, but warned that they may have to be placed in temporary accommodation for some time.
The Beckhams were later released on bail of £50,000, which was all that the family had in their battered shopping trolley. The public, meanwhile, were warned not to give money to any orange-skinned women in £25,000 frocks who might accost them in the street for the price of a cup of tea.