Friday, 20 August 2010

Beckhams Found Sleeping Rough In Bus Station

Bloody tramp
A shocked cleaner discovered David and Victoria Beckham sleeping on a bench in Finsbury Park bus station early this morning, with their three children wrapped in old newspapers.

“I was just pushing my pavement cleaning machine along, as I do every morning,” explained Anchal Parekh, “All of a sudden I was abused by terrible shrieks coming from a pile of filthy blankets on a bench. Some of the words were not very nice at all. I was just trying to do my job. I shouldn’t have to put up with hurtful insults from a rich man’s wife in the course of my duties.”

The argument swiftly escalated, and police were called after seven-year-old Romeo punched Mrs Parekh’s supervisor in the groin.

A spokesman for the British Transport Police confirmed that a Mr and Mrs Beckham were down in the cells, and that their children Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz were currently being looked after by social workers.

“It appears that the Beckhams were living rough on the advice of their somewhat parsimonious new accountant, who had earlier pointed out how much money they were wasting by keeping a small army of staff to look after their 14 homes,” he told reporters. “Apparently his exact words were ‘You can afford to employ all of these people. But why the hell do you?’ From what we can gather, Mrs Beckham immediately took it upon herself to sack them all and put the houses on the market, but unfortunately neglected to exclude the one they were staying in at the time. The Hertfordshire mansion was promptly snapped up by a Kuwaiti buyer, who told Mr Beckham his services would no longer be required as he would be bringing his own servants, and handed them £50,000 cash in lieu of notice to vacate the premises immediately.”

A spokesman for Islington Council said the pair would be welcome to put themselves on the social housing register, but warned that they may have to be placed in temporary accommodation for some time.

The Beckhams were later released on bail of £50,000, which was all that the family had in their battered shopping trolley. The public, meanwhile, were warned not to give money to any orange-skinned women in £25,000 frocks who might accost them in the street for the price of a cup of tea.

Battle Of Britain Distractions Wheeled Out Four Weeks Early

One of The Few, at least in Mr Cameron's head
The 70-year-old Battle of Britain was taken out of storage, dusted down and put on the news almost four weeks before the traditional date, in a well-meaning attempt to give the nation’s dispirited population a spurious cause for celebrating something they had nothing to do with.

“We appreciate that, for 69 years, the Battle of Britain has been commemorated on September 15th – Hitler’s vaunted Eagle Day – on which the RAF’s fighter squadrons successfully fought off the Luftwaffe’s strongest attack,” said Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. “But if we wait that long, people will be rioting in the streets in protest against my friend David’s tough but necessary cuts. So we decided that since today marks the anniversary of Churchill standing up and pontificating about other people’s bravery, we might as well have it now - after all, politicians are far more important than servicemen’s lives.

“So we’ve lined up the usually doddery old codgers for the TV cameras to make the national breast swell with pride, etc and provide the necessary distraction from the sheer bloody awfulness of present-day reality.”

“Look, a Spitfire!” he added, pointing to the sky. “Doesn’t that make you proud to be British?”

Treasury officials are now feverishly flipping through books on the Second World War for a spread of handy victories from the past with which to distract the public through the forthcoming dismal year.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

omg your a masive evolutionery leap 4wad, Teachers Tweet Whilst Watching Telly

Some boys may have passed their A levels, too
Britain’s exemplary teachers demonstrated the nation’s phenomenal ability to multitask today, by leaving the breakfast news blaring in the background as they tweeted their fulsome congratulations to the latest record-breaking batch of geniuses to step off the production line.

As tearful eighteen-year-old girls obligingly jiggled their breasts in front of TV camera crews upon receipt of their meaningless A-level grades, their teachers fervently heaped praise upon their young protégés and, indirectly, themselves.

“The number of students receiving the new A-doubleplusgood grades has leapt from zero to 8% in the space of a single year,” said Ian Chesterton, headmaster of Coal Hill School in London. That’s an-infinity times-eight increase – hang on, somebody’s texting me… ha ha brilliant… and it’s all down to my exemplary teaching skills. Can I have a bonus?”

“Sorry, I was so busy surfing for porn while I was talking to you that I somehow forgot to mention that nothing like that has ever been seen before in the history of education,” Mr Chesterton added in an email several minutes later.

The school’s head of English, Barbara Wright, added that her A-level group’s 99.2% pass rate proved beyond a shadow of doubt that children born since 1961 are growing cleverer year by year.

“The results sort of speak for themselves oh you silly cow,” she told reporters as she avidly watched Jeremy Kyle laying into a pregnant teenager who didn’t know which of two suspects was the father of her child. “In our lifetimes yeah I reckon right I reckon unborn babies will be taking A levels in their mummies’ tummies probly I knew it I knew it was that one you were shagging while the other one was inside you fat little tart.”

Other nations are in awe of the British people’s incredible cleverness, which is amply demonstrated by their extraordinary multitasking skills.

“All through the sixth form yeah? I was like listening to me iPod all the time what I was on the net googling for bits what I could cut and paste into like essays and shit yeah?” sobbed ecstatic pupil Susan, the owner of a fine set of charlies whose place at the University of Sainsbury reading Multimedia and Retail Studies is assured by her straight A* grades. “Hang on me mate’s just texed me right telling me I’m on the telly like right now? Wow that is like so super cool?”

Options For Irritating BT Ad Couple Not Nearly Graphic Enough, Say Viewers

Viewers who have suffered the sickening BT couple’s cloying exploits in adverts for five gruelling years today inundated the smug telecoms giant with demands for far more gruesome alternatives for the next ad, complaining that the choices they were invited to vote on were not nearly bloodthirsty enough.

“I’d like to see that floppy-haired prick from Love Actually lowered testicles-first onto a giant sanding wheel,” said retired clump press minder Jim Arnold. “Then he could telephone his screams to his insufferable partner from Queer As Folk, who would ideally be rotating slowly on a spit.”
The giant bollock grinder is rapidly gaining favour

Unemployed telesales shit Ellie Carr disagreed, however, suggested that the pair’s up-and-down relationship could best be improved by putting them in a crashing plane with only one parachute, sending futile emails to their mates begging for suggestions before embarking upon a vicious fight to the death for the parachute.

“Except it wouldn’t be a parachute at all,” she added. “When the blood-soaked victor jumped, it would turn out to be a giant streamer reading ‘Fuck you BT’. Then splat.”

A spokesman who lives on another planet said the series of ads had built up “a huge fanbase” during its five-year run, adding that as long as BT kept squeezing millions of customers for its lacklustre services, there ought to be a splendid pile of cash to fund the smug pair’s screen appearances for decades to come.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Government Not Apologising For Giving The Finger To 60m People Live On Air

The Tory-Lib Dem coalition did not apologise today after sticking its fingers up to every person of the UK who isn’t a director of a multinational or a bank for 100 consecutive days, every single time a smiling minister appeared on television to announce the latest hatchet the government is vigorously applying to your hopes and dreams of living happily ever after.

“Every time I turn on the BBC News Channel, I’m horrified to see some grinning, amateurish jackass from the cabinet brazenly giving one or two fingers to my hopes for the future of my children,” complained a typical outraged viewer. “They immediately try to cover up their childish insult by pretending to be shocked by their own bravado, while an experienced presenter offers some lame apology of an interview, but really just lets them off the hook. It’s not good enough.”

Middle Class Outraged By Government Attack On Middle Class Benefits

A typical thieving family of scroungers
Daily Mail readers were spluttering with indignant rage this morning to find themselves being lined up by Treasury officials as the next lot of scrounging benefit claimants to persecute.

Strangely, however, no tabloid papers ran front-page stories of wealthy professionals who flagrantly defraud the state out of billions of pounds in child benefit to which they are entitled, or comfortable retirees on generous private pensions who cynically abuse the welfare state by accepting hundreds of pounds each in winter fuel payments, year after year after year.

“How dare the government threaten to apply a means test to me!” shrieked James White, a 37-year-old accountant and father-of-three living in unabashed comfort in Clifton, Bristol - who shamelessly helps himself to £47.10 every week of your hard-earned cash, despite a joint income of nearly £63,000. “I’m not some common bloody criminal, like all those lazy bastards pulling sickies for years on end, or the population of Liverpool. I’ve got a Land Rover Discovery to run. Did they consider that?”

His wife Jessica, a part-time teacher, agreed vigorously, adding that it wasn’t easy bringing up three horrible, demanding children on just two incomes.

“Young Emily is coming up for three, and she says she won’t stop crying until she gets an iPhone4 like her brothers have got,” she whined. “And now they’re six they want proper laptops, because they’ve outgrown their notepads. They shouldn’t be taking away my child benefit, they should be paying me a higher rate. Have you seen the price of an iPhone contract? Well, have you?”

Her mother and father, meanwhile, who have retired to a nice little village near Weston-super-Mare, complained bitterly about the threat to withhold their winter fuel payments until they reach the age of 66.

“That’s two bloody winters in which I could well freeze to death,” pointed out John, a retired police inspector. “And my poor wife Helen will have to wait until 2014 for hers. What are we supposed to do until then? Pay for our own heating bills? Bloody cheek. This is what happens when you put a Liberal in charge. Cameron hasn’t been on holiday a week, and this is what that bloody trot Clegg gets up to.”

“If they keep on like this, I’ll be voting Labour next time,” he warned. “Say what you like about Brown, we never got hammered like this by him. He knew how to look after decent people like us.”

A spokesman for the poor said he sympathised deeply with the plight of middle Englanders, and welcomed them to his world.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Poor Happier To Pay For Bankers’ Mistakes After Osborne Explains New Definition of Fairness

George Osborne meeting a man who has lost what little he had
Britain’s poor breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning, after chancellor George Osborne reassured them that taking all their money and throwing it into the gaping hole left by bankers who are unashamedly coining it in was not it the least bit unfair.

“It's not a question of the cost of the reform. It's a question of the reform leading to a fundamentally fairer society," explained Mr Osborne, referring both to colleague Iain Duncan Smith’s plans to slash welfare spending on the unemployed, the elderly, the sick and the disabled, and his own targets to slash essential public services. “These useless mouths are, of course, fair game as they’re not contributing anything to Britain’s recovery.”

“And what could be fairer than removing the link between regulated rail fares and the rate of inflation?” he added. “If you don’t like it, all you have to do is stay at home and it won’t affect you in the slightest.”

“Finally, after Britain’s hardworking bankers have pulled out all the stops to make enormous profits again, I say ‘fair play’ to them and let them keep all their huge bonuses,” he added.

‘Hey Up, It Happens That I’m Ever So Working Class By Gum,’ Announces Miliband Two

'And why is this Nora person  flipping?'
The long-forgotten contest for the leadership of what’s left of the Labour Party struggled back into the news today, as Miliband Two roundly denounced the New Labour movement in which he was happy to bask for thirteen years and revealed himself as a grimy, calloused labourer who was the natural representative of millions of ordinary working-class people.

“By heck, we lost five million voters by sucking up to toffee-nosed people like ourselves,” admitted the lesser of two clones, newly respendent in his exquisitely-tailored cloth cap and silk braces. “So it’s time for me to reveal my true roots as a genuine horny-handed son of a lowly Oxford don. Unlike my posh brother, obviously.”

“Myself, I love nothing better after a hard day’s toil than to relax before the television with a foaming tankard of Cabernet Sauvignon and enjoy a right corking game of footer, “he added. “Come along now, you red chaps.”

Monday, 16 August 2010

Blair: ‘I Don’t Want This Money - It’s All Covered In Blood’

Shaking hand with Tony Blair: not for the faint-hearted
Former prime minister Tony Blair is donating an unwanted £4.6m to help maimed victims of his two Middle East wars, after it arrived from his publishers covered in the blood of the soldiers killed and maimed as a result of his vain, single-minded desire to strut around on the world stage pretending to be a latter-day Churchill.

The multi-million advance on his memoirs - due to arrive in bookshops on September 1st, then in pound shops on October 1st – dropped on his doormat this morning in a squelching brown envelope and oozed blood all over Mrs Blair’s new carpet, leading to a heated argument over breakfast which culminated in Mr Blair being told in no uncertain terms to get rid of it by lunchtime.

Mr Blair’s grisly gift was politely refused by several charity shops until, in desperation, he drove round to the local Royal British Legion and left it on the doorstep.

A Legion spokesman thanked the ex-PM for his donation, and promised to put the money towards a sports centre for the many soldiers who so kindly donated their limbs to furthering his popularity among Americans with large cheque books.

“This isn’t about easing my conscience,” Mr Blair told reporters later, “Because I don’t have one. I’m only telling the world about my incredible, selfless act of unparalleled generosity in the hope that someone out there can recommend a really good soap. I just can’t seem to get these damn bloodstains off my hands.”

British Parents ‘Very Disappointed’ Over Children’s Inability To Order Fresh Beer Deliveries

Hello, Esther Rantzen? What's your cheapest vodka?
Britain’s drink-sodden parents revived for long enough to slur their disappointment today, after ChildLine reported that it was receiving more than 100 calls a week from idiot children mistaking its alcohol helpline for the doorstep booze suppliers their parents were urging them to ring because they were unable to focus on the buttons themselves.

“Wossa bladdy point uv kids, right, if the little bastuds is too fackin’ fick to ring fr’anuvva crate uv San Miguel?” shouted one typical dad lying slumped on a sofa, as social workers bundled his traumatised 7-year-old daughter into care. “Well, ya kin fack right orf, y’dozy little caah.”

“If y’wanna job dun right, do it y’self jenotameen?” he mumbled, stabbing the air with a finger and knocking a bottle off the arm of the sofa. “A’m orf dahn Argos first fing t’morra afternoon when I wake ap innit, git meself one a’ them phones wiv a big fack-off button faw emergencies. Sawtid.”

“Fack it!” he suddenly exploded. “’ow’s the silly littow bitch s’posed ta program the namba in if she int bladdy ‘ere? Inconsid’rate bladdy social.”

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Dissident Republicans Anxious To Learn Whether Injured Children Were Protestants

A spokesman for the dissident Republican terrorists who detonated a bomb without warning in a Lurgan street yesterday has roundly denounced the Northern Ireland Police Service for cruelly refusing to divulge whether the two 12-years-olds and a two-year-old injured by flying debris were evil, murdering Protestants.

“Our brave boys who heroically planted the bomb in a bin have got the champagne on ice, but they can’t go ahead with the celebrations as long as the brutal Protestant security forces cynically continue to sit on this vital piece of information,” he explained defiantly. “That’s why we’re encouraging the local Catholic community to engage them with petrol bombs until they apologise for this atrocity.”

Cameron Lays Wreath To Commemorate Death Of War Veterans’ Dreams Of A Fairer Society

Try not to remember this bit
Under the impassive gaze of Prince Charles, prime minister David Cameron solemnly laid a wreath on the Cenotaph in a sombre farewell to the better, fairer Britain which returning soldiers fought so hard to create.

“We must never forget the sacrifices made and the dedication showed by those who served our country in the Second World War,” he said. “However, we should most certainly forget that what they overwhelmingly wanted to come home to was a decent, caring society in which poverty, inequality and the rigid class system would be banished forever, to be replaced by a caring welfare state, universal healthcare, a decent education system based on merit rather than social status, fair working conditions and decent, affordable housing.”

“To think of such things at this time - or indeed at any other time - would be a grave disservice to the honoured memory of those 30,000 brave chaps who died today, or whatever,” he added.

“VJ Day - the day the Second World War ended, or so old ‘Two-Brains’ Willetts tells me - is a time for this generation to reflect and show its gratitude to our veterans for their bravery, dedication and sacrifice,” he explained, to mounting catcalls from elderly veterans. “It’s certainly not a time to ask what they were fighting for. We don’t do that any more, do we?”