The US Missile Defense Agency has reported the first successful test-firing of an anti-ballistic missile laser gun mounted in a converted Boeing 747.
The crucial test was conducted on the ground at Edwards Air Force Base, with the multi-megawatt Chemical Oxygen Iodine Laser beam travelling the length of the aircraft at 670,000,000mph before emerging from the nose-mounted turret and striking a diagnostic array, which lit up and flashed ‘TILT’.
“Gott in himmel!” exclaimed project leader Dr Strangelove. “This is a glorious day for the fatherland. This system will soon be able to shoot down Soviet - I mean enemy - missiles in the early stages of their flight trajectory, by superheating their fuel and causing the missile to explode.”
Twelve years into the project, one problem the team have yet to overcome - or indeed recognise - is the practical difficulty of getting a lumbering, subsonic airliner close enough to the missile within the first few seconds of its launch. Dr Strangelove was, however, undaunted by doubting voices.
“At the moment, ja, we are only capable of shooting down parked vehicles and nearby buildings,” he shouted, “But this revolutionary system has many other uses. For example, my evil brainchild could be used to devastating effect against particularly unmanoueuvrable enemy aircraft. It would also shoot down any UFO foolish enough to loiter in its immediate vicinity, as long as the alien invader remains in the forward arc of the 747 and doesn‘t move around much."
“Finally,” he screamed, “This scheme will also create jobs in a time of recession - which ought to be enough in itself to justify any defence project, no matter how outlandish. Already I envisage the setting up of a matter-teleportation division within the nation’s motor industry, securing employment for up to ten thousand car workers whose jobs are at risk, albeit mostly in Mexico. Heil Dubya!”
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