Educated People Stunned To Learn That Educated People Tend Not To Live In Shitholes

Strangely enough, he doesn't have a master's

Researchers from the University and College Union are astounded by the shock discovery that hardly any of them live in Britain’s urban hellscapes, according to their own survey published today.

The nation’s intelligentsia breathed a collective sigh of relief over their morning papers as they read that they tend to live in nice, leafy areas with all the other well-qualified people, while shallow-pated ape-beasts which can only communicate their basic demands for sex, fast food and housing benefit by rudimentary grunts and thumps continue to infest the nation’s blighted inner-city warzones and Cornwall.

The report’s clever-clogs authors claim to have discovered two Britains: a green and happy place in which nice people like you, who can deploy an apostrophe with deadly accuracy and earn a salary, access the internet with laptop computers; and a concrete battlefield filled with the gibbering refuse of a rapidly-shrinking gene pool, creatures which have only recently begun to migrate from their Playstations to the internet by randomly pressing buttons on their smartphones until a social networking site obligingly appears.

“The recent invasion of Facebook and Twitter by belligerent monkey-men portends a bleak future in which the few remaining bastions of civilisation are overrun and torn to the ground by the mongrel hordes, unless we act now to ring the nation’s council estates with high walls and gun towers,” warned lead researcher Dr Mark Strangelove ominously. “Until then, guys, see you on Google+.”

Prince Andrew Deactivated

Scotland's golf links are safe once more

The Duke of York has been successfully shut down at last, announced a Buckingham Palace spokesman, after an epic struggle involving the entire royal family.

The rogue royal, who has been out of control for years – selling deadly weaponry to evil dictatorships, swaggering about arm-in-arm with his rich kiddy-fiddling sidekick and terrorising Switzerland with his razor-sharp ski poles – was lured into a cellar by a carefully-laid trail of glittering freebies, whereupon he was suddenly wrestled to the ground by a desperate rugby-tackle from his heroic nephew, Prince William. Charles and Harry then rushed forward to pin his arms to the ground, while the Queen sat on his legs and the Princess Royal bit his thrashing tongue. Finally, as the most battle-hardened member of the royal family, Prince Philip bravely thrust his arm up Andrew’s arse to locate the kill switch which has been surgically inserted into all royals at birth as a precaution since the brief but embarrassing reign of King Edward VIII.

"Bro Andy’s death-dealing reign of terror is finally over,” gasped a breathless Prince Edward, who was filming the entire operation for another rotten documentary about his family which he will shamelessly flog to US cable networks.

£3000 University Scholarships Will Make Poor Forget All About £9000 Fees, Reckons Hughes

William gets £3000 to fuck off to Keele

Simon Hughes, the token conscience of the Liberal Democrats, has urged the government to allow every secondary school, no matter how appalling its exam results, to offer a set quota of £3000 university scholarships – confident that such an unimaginable prize will erase the terrifying spectre of the £9000-a-year tuition fees awaiting their least feral denizens, allowing them to dodge the soul-destroying McJobs that await them by hiding in higher education for three years.

“It’s all very well the universities administering these incredibly generous scholarships, but they’ll just go and award them to bright kids, because they’re full of clever-clogs elitists who persist in perpetuating the cruelly discriminatory theory that degrees should be awarded in recognition of some sort of ability,” said Mr Hughes. “What I propose, however, is that every school should be allocated a set number of bursaries instead, so their teachers can dangle them beguilingly in front of any inmate who can demonstrate a rudimentary ability to form words.”

“Only in this way can we achieve the academic nirvana of transforming our universities into 100% representative cross-sections of society,” he insisted. “Look, my pretty little chimpanzee child, look at all the lovely money! Dance, dance for me, and you can have the Swarovski-encrusted PS3 of your dreams!”

Smoking Reduces Risk Of Cancer By Stunting Growth

Soon to be renamed Mr Cancer

Researchers from Cancer Research UK are in hiding today, after reporting that simply being tall greatly increases the risk of developing cancer.

“If I find those fuckers, I’m going to kill them,” growled Mark Peters, a six-footer who is currently undergoing chemotherapy. “When I was a kid, these smug bastards solemnly warned us all that ‘smoking stunts your growth’, so I spent a lonely, monastic childhood earnestly refusing all my friends’ offers of cigarettes. Imagine my shock, then, when I found out I’ve got cancer of the tall. Somebody get me a lawyer. Heads are going to roll.”

The unpleasant findings come hard on the heels of yesterday’s announcement, in a US scientific journal, that second-hand smoke almost always causes deafness in teenagers.

“Using parallel methodologies, if we couldn’t pick up a whiff of tobacco smoke we asked the children of the household if they had any hearing problems and they replied no sir, they didn’t,” explained team leader Dr Milton Strangelove.

“If, however, we spotted an ashtray in the house, we asked them to interpret and articulate empirical cognitive data concerning systemic quantum-decibel degradation of auditory parameters in the 20-20K spectrum,” he went on. “In almost every case, the response was ‘WTF?’ This conclusively proves that secondhand smoke causes deafness to such a degree that the victim invariably experiences profound difficulty in understanding speech. Another research grant, please.”

Doctors Fear Nick Clegg May Be Clinically Wet

Spot the drip

Medical experts say there is a growing body of evidence to suggest that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has finally succumbed to terminal wetness, as he continues to sit damply at David Cameron’s side, making absolutely no comment whatsoever about the prime minister’s rapidly-increasing vulnerability over his links to News Corporation.

“The first sign that Mr Clegg may in fact be clinically wet came when we heard his testicles drop to the floor under his seat with a squelch, just after the closure of the News Of The World,” explained a doctor (Vince Cable). “We were expecting at least some comment from him on this momentous event, but he just sat there gaping like an idiot.”

“Since then he’s said nothing concerning the revelations about News International’s dodgy relationship with the police - not even when Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson resigned,” he added. “Not a peep when the PM’s close friend Rebekah Brooks was arrested, not a whisper about the lame excuses for inviting Andy Coulson to Chequers after his resignation, and not a dicky bird about Cameron jumping obediently every time News International execs clicked their fingers.”

“In fact… hang on a sec… somebody’s drawn a pair of pupils on his eyelids!” he exclaimed suddenly. “And isn’t that a fly crawling out of his mouth?”

As a damp, foetid pool rapidly oozed out from beneath Mr Clegg towards the rest of his MPs forensic scientists warned that, unless their soggy leader squirted out of his fatal coalition with the toxic prime minister, the entire Lib Dem party could soon find itself dead in the water.

Cyber Magistrate Nearing Completion

For the first time ever, law meets logic

Britain’s newly-arrested cyber criminal, thought to be linked to Anonymous - the loose grouping of spotty geeks responsible for hacking some of the world’s most powerful corporate entities, and Gene Simmons out of Kiss – will soon appear in front of the dreaded Cyber Magistrate, police confirmed today as they put the finishing touches to the future of law enforcement.

“We’ve assembled the armoured body and wired up all the blue lights,” confirmed a cyberspokesman for Scotland Yard. “We’ve even made a special glass forehead, in case we find a magistrate with a living brain to donate, but that’s not essential.”

“The Cyber Magistrate will uphold the law, and then some,” he explained. “We’re hoping for a custodial sentence of at least ten years. No doubt some people will say this is outrageous, petty and childish, but don’t worry - it’s only a cyber sentence affecting a cyber criminal, so it’s not really a punishment at all, is it?”

That Select Committee Hearing In Full

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah SPLAT blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Unicorns Prance In Britain’s Streets

The single most riveting event in human history

Unicorns, fairies and other mythical creatures disported themselves, unmolested and unseen, through the deserted high streets of Britain’s cities today as all eyes were glued to the unremitting tedium of the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee hearing on the off-chance that tainted tycoon Rupert Murdoch might announce imminent plans to commit ritual suicide to atone for his shame.

A giant flying saucer landed in the middle of Regent’s Park in the early afternoon, but after wandering to and fro along a silent Oxford Street for two hours the lonely ambassadors from an unknown galactic empire gave up, returned to their UFO and abandoned their futile search for intelligent life in this solar system.

Similar disappointment awaited the unfortunate Whale King who, sadly, chose today to trundle out of the sea, riding his majestic coral unicycle up and down the Brighton seafront without attracting any attention whatsoever.

The people of Britain declared themselves overjoyed, however, when their lives were made complete by a publicity stunt involving a comedian nobody has ever heard of, or will ever hear of again, and a plate of shaving foam.

Those Non-Prejudicial Questions The Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee Will Be Keen To Ask Rebekah Brooks, Following Her Timely Arrest

"How the devil are you, Mrs Brooks?"
"And how is Mr Brooks?"
"Would you like to sit down?"
"Would you like some tea or coffee?"
"Did you have any trouble finding us?"
"Some weather we’re having lately, isn’t it?"
"Well, well, isn’t this nice, all of us here together?"
"Are you quite sure we can’t get you anything to drink?"
"A glass of water, perhaps?"
"Can you think of anything we haven’t covered that we might be able to ask without prejudicing Inspector Savage of the Yard and his investigations?"
"Not a dicky bird?"
"Well, aren’t you the lucky one?"
"How soon can you start to breathe a sigh of relief?"

Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson’s ‘Style Council’ Playlist

1. A Man Of Great Promise
2. With Everything To Lose
3. Money-Go-Round
4. Life At A Top People’s Health Farm
5. Walls Come Tumbling Down
6. Right To Go
7. How He Threw It All Away
8. Iwasadoledadstoyboy (now playing)

TV Pick: Ross Kemp On Gangs (Sky)

The terrifying discovery that led to a frenzied beating

Beady-eyed headcase Ross Kemp off EastEnders spent seven years under deep cover, risking life and limb as he married his way deep into the dark heart of Wapping’s most feared crime family – the vicious ‘Murdoch Gang’. Only now, with the sensational police takedown of brutal gangland enforcer Rebekah Brooks, can the awful truth finally be told.

Kemp’s dedication to uncovering the full grisly story nearly cost him his life one night in 2005, when his shocking discovery of a lorryload of mouldering skeletons earned him a frenzied beating from his enraged wife and sent him bloodied and staggering to hospital - but heroically maintaining his cover by submissively refusing to press charges!

A Heartfelt Message From Mr Rupert Murdoch