Saturday, 10 July 2010

Police To Sell Raoul Moat’s Suicide Shotgun on Gumtree

After a satisfying evening of overtime which ended in time for a respectable night’s kip, the police announced plans to sell the shotgun which Raoul Moat used to end his life “just as soon as forensics have wiped the brains off it.”

The fugitive gunman was cornered at 8pm yesterday by a riverbank and swiftly surrounded by calm and highly professional police marksmen (see photo). Expert negotiators were swiftly called, with representatives from the national newspapers vying to get an exclusive interview and outbid their rivals for serialisation rights to Moat’s autobiography.

Events were to take a dramatic turn later, however, when professional Northern idiot Paul Gascoigne arrived with some lager and a chicken for the desperate murderer. However, despite impassioned requests from senior police officers, the former England player declined to cross the cordon and become Moat’s hostage, and eventually wandered off to have a picnic with himself.

The stand-off finally reached its inevitable conclusion when Raoul Moat – already said to be severely upset at having his limelight stolen by the role model for Viz cartoon characters Terry Fuckwit and 8-Ace - finally heeded the advice of the police, and shot himself to save them from having to answer any awkward questions about unreasonable force.

“Twenty past one. Ideal,” said Det Chief Supt Neil Adamson, the officer in charge of the manhunt. “Let’s get him into a blood-wagon, and we can all be home in bed by two. Tell you what, just put ‘all night’ on your overtime sheets and I’ll sign them off tomorrow.”

“Can somebody make sure we’ve got the top of his head?” he added. “We don’t want some News of the World hack picking it up and splashing it all over the front page on Sunday morning. I want it for my book.”

Earlier in the day there were fears that the usual route for weapons confiscated by the police into the hands of criminals had been compromised, as two firearms licensing officers were let off with suspended sentences after resigning from Durham Police. However, enterprising officers have now decided to offer their vast stocks to the north-east’s criminal fraternity through community recycling website Gumtree.

“When you consider the man-hours and raw materials that a revolver, shotgun or MAC-11 represents, it does seem such a terrible waste to chuck them all in a crusher,” commented a leading underworld hitman.

Meanwhile, serious questions are already being asked by the tabloid media about how the police could possibly have allowed the stand-off to go on past the printing deadline for their Saturday editions.

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Hollywood Star Continues To Live The Dream

Leading Hollywood fruitcake Mel Gibson today delighted celebrity magazines - and any remaining fans - with another bizarre outburst, in which he appears to seriously believe that his estranged wife rang him up and attempted to extort money from him, then threatened to hand a self-incriminating recording of the conversation over to the media.

The former star of Lethal Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2, Lethal Weapon 3, Lethal Weapon 4 and so on made the counter-claim after his wife, Oksana Golddigerova, obtained a restraining order after alleging that Gibson punched her and knocked a tooth out whilst discussing the size of her plastic breasts, the meaning of love and finding a Jew in his soup.

“What you have to understand is that, deep down, Mel Gibson is just a simple, bigoted bridge-painter from the back of beyond who happened to wander onto a film set one day looking ruggedly handsome,” said a spokesman for the William Morris Endeavor Entertainment Agency, announcing that it had dropped the former star from its roster. “Based largely on this and his blue eyes, it’s understandable that people might jump to the conclusion that he was the most talented actor of his generation.”

“Although, frankly, his performance in Zeffirelli’s ‘Hamlet’ should have dispelled that fallacy 20 years ago,” he added.

Mr Gibbon responded by telling a passing bum that he didn’t need an agent anyway, as one of his many hitherto-untapped talents was the art of publicity management.

“Get away from me, you fucked-up weirdo loser,” shouted the bum.

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Friday, 9 July 2010

Britain Declares War On Raoul Moat

A state of war now exists between the UK and hide-and-seek killer Raoul Moat, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence confirmed today.

“Tornado strike jets of the RAF are using their heat-seeking sensors to hunt down this deadly threat to our traditional way of life,” Wing Commander Bigglesworth told war correspondents at Camp Rothbury this afternoon. “So far he’s given us the slip - but we’ve got plenty of Sidewinder missiles and laser-guided bombs stockpiled for a long campaign, if necessary. On the other hand, there are already several potentially rabid badgers and a feral abandoned dog that won’t be threatening anyone for the foreseeable future.”

The Nev Filter is now embedded on board the assault ship HMS Ocean, which sailed from Devonport this morning and is currently trying to force its way up the River Coquet to the small Northumberland village, where it will assume its role as the anti-Moat task force’s operational command centre. Our war reporter shouted this report into a mobile phone only moments ago:

“Right now I’m looking over the edge of the flight deck, where below me I can see a detachment of the Royal Engineers welding a huge plough-blade to the Ocean’s mighty bows. Standing by are yoked teams of eager combat-hardened marines, impatiently waiting to pick up the ropes and manhandle this mighty vessel upstream, widening and straightening this meandering river as she goes. Soon I shall be climbing into a special reporting pod and carried aloft under a Merlin helicopter, ready to be dropped into the woods at the first sighting of this desperate fugitive.”

Meanwhile, prime minister David Cameron is on the hotline to the White House, trying to persuade the Americans to join Britain in what has swiftly escalated from a police action to a full-blown armed conflict. Top of his wish-list will be permission to launch Trident nuclear missiles from Britain’s submarine fleet, which has been hastily repainted in ‘Jersey cow’ camouflage and parked on trailers behind hedges along the B6341, B6342 and B6344 to guard all routes out of Rothbury.

The government today released pictures of a strategically-important tent used by Moat as a forward headquarters, along with the news that three vital mobile phones used by Britain’s deadliest enemy have been captured intact.

“We have dropped leaflets warning the native inhabitants of the combat zone to stay indoors and keep all doors and windows shut,” said Wg Cdr Bigglesworth, on the hottest day of the year. “I feel sure that these simple patriots would rather die of heatstroke than provide possible shelter to Britain’s enemy - but just to be on the safe side we’ll be dropping napalm on the village from dusk till dawn.”

Britain’s ambassador to the UN is to address the security council later, seeking a resolution condemning Moat. Russia and China are unlikely to vote in favour, but efforts are continuing behind closed doors to persuade them to abstain, while the representatives of North Korea, Cuba, Peru and Brazil have expressed sympathy for the embattled Moat.

It is understood that former prime minister Tony Blair is on his way to the area, hoping to be appointed as peace envoy to Raoul Moat in the event of a ceasefire being brokered between Moat and the British government.

“Mr Blair’s proposal to build a wall around the woods and impose export sanctions, whilst allowing the supply of humanitarian aid for Moat is, frankly, off the agenda at this point in time,” commented David Cameron. “The last thing we want to see is an independent state of Raoul Moat offering succour and training to al Qaeda terrorists.”

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Thursday, 8 July 2010

Killer Used To Be Three-Year-Old Child

The nation was shocked to the core this morning, when several newspapers sensationally published incontrovertible proof that killer-on-the-run Raoul Moat was once a child aged three.

The startling claim was backed up by terrifying photographs of Britain’s most wanted criminal as a small child, with a face several sizes too small for his head. In one foreboding snap, a pre-school Moat stares with cold, hating eyes into the far distance, as if searching for the then-unborn love rival he would one day gun down without remorse.

Moat’s mother, Josephine Grendel, delivered a heartwarming appeal to her estranged thugling in the pages of the Daily Telegraph. “Come home soon – er – Raoul,” she implored, checking his name on a ‘wanted’ poster. “Preferably in a bag.”

Speaking on the doorstep of her inky tarn, she told a reporter from the Mirror who was next in the queue that her evil son once threatened to blow her head off with his deadly pointing fingers.

“Wait, I’ve got a better one,” she added, producing a satisfyingly grim photo of a slightly older Moat scowling directly at the photographer - utterly unmoved by the good news that, by this point in his life, his face had managed to reach more or less the right size. “Remember, that’s copyright. We can sort out the details later, when I’m not so upset.”

Meanwhile, police in Northumberland are concerned that Moat may be hiding in dense woodland undergrowth near Rothbury, possibly disguised as a badger and surviving on acorns which his accomplices may have stockpiled in advance.

“You know on ‘Police, Camera, Action!’ where they use a helicopter with thermal imaging cameras to locate fugitives by their body heat?” said Detective Chief Superintendant Neil Adamson, who is leading the manhunt. “Well, we haven’t got one of those. On the plus side, though, I did manage to requisition an old army flamethrower. It’s only a matter of time.”

He cautioned the terrified residents of Rothbury to avoid going into the woods for their own protection, unless of course they happened to be covered from head to toe in asbestos and wearing an oxygen mask.

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Metal Detector Finds Britain’s Lost Money

Wiltshire metal-detectorist Dave Crisp revealed today that he stumbled upon the location of all the money Britain lost when the economy collapsed two years ago.

“I were surrchin, this ‘ere field near Frome, where ‘um tauks funny, when I ‘eared this ‘beep beep’ noise in moy ears,” grunted a beaming Mr Crisp. “Wossat, I fort, then it dorned on oi. ‘Yew daffy ole worzel, Dave,’ oi sed tur meselve, ‘Yew’m wurrin’ they fancy ‘edphones, r’memburr?’ Zo oi digged an’ oi digged, an bugger me if I din’ fine thiz ‘ere ole pot. Look, ‘ee be stamped ‘Property of Royal Bank Of Scotland’ roight ‘ere unner the rim.”

The pot is thought by experts to date back as far as 2008, and its contents have been valued by self-loving orange prick David Dickinson at “possibly a hundred million billion trillion pounds, if you’re lucky enough to find a collector.”

The Queen has already sent a message of congratulation to Mr Crisp from Macy’s in New York, which was personally delivered by a detachment of heavily-armed Household Cavalry. She also mentioned that all treasure trove that is dug out of Britain’s soil legally belongs to the Crown.

Her Majesty was last seen heading for Washington, DC, where President Barack Obama is reported to be preparing to grant her asylum in return for half of it.

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Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Lord Ashcroft Admits To Living In Britain

Hours before a midnight deadline by which non-domiciled Lords had to either give up their preferential tax status or give up their right to sit in Britain’s second chamber, Tory party owner Lord Ashcroft has finally admitted that he lives in Britain – bringing to a close a decade of ducking questions on his tax avoidance.

Five fellow Lords, including world meccano expert Lord Foster, have chosen to keep dodging tax by abandoning their flimsy pretence of living here, and will be allowed to keep their titles for impressing-Americans-at-dinner-party purposes.

Lord Ashcroft – who has given over £4m to the Tories in recent years - is thought to have had plenty of time to spirit his fortune away so he can cheerfully inform the taxman that his total income from UK sources miraculously falls below the minimum threshold for taxation. Conservative insiders are now beginning to wonder how their deputy chairman - who is now, on paper, some sort of tramp with cufflinks - will continue to bankroll their party’s extravagant spending, given that political parties are now no longer allowed to accept money from overseas.

Sources close to Lord Ashcroft, however, suggest that the peer is already owed enough favours, on the strength of past donations, to get pretty much anything he wants from the government.

“Of course I’m happy to confirm that I live in Britain,” beamed Lord Ashcroft, standing outside his luxury mansion, which by pure coincidence becomes the new UK-registered office of the Bank of Belize at 11.59pm. “Why shouldn’t I? After all, I own it.”

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Teachers Looking Forward To Conducting Full Body Searches

Teachers across the country are said to be eagerly trying on latex gloves in preparation for the implementation of the government’s plan to improve discipline in the classroom by allowing them to search pupils for alcohol, drugs, fags, porn, fireworks, mobile phones, MP3 players, cameras, exploding suicide belts, asthma inhalers, crisps and pencil cases.

“Cody-Lee Scowser!” announced headmaster Brian Hemlock at a specially-called assembly at Liverpool’s Sir Gilbert Toxteth Academy, in a scene repeated all over Britain. “Do you remember spraying ‘Mr Hemlock is so gay’ on the school minibus last term, and the worst punishment I could give you was a week in Miss Toynbee’s anger management class when a place becomes available? Well, we’ll see who’s so gay next term, won’t we, when you become my very special glove puppet?”

“Oh - and you might want to make a note of this, because I have no intention of repeating myself,” he added with a wide grin, “Bring your own Vaseline.”

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Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Ranting Killer Offered Place On Jeremy Kyle Show

After the Sun thoughtfully published gunman Raoul Moat’s rambling, self-contradictory letter today, holier-than-thou ITV chav-baiter Jeremy Kyle today issued a promise that the killer could have an entire show to himself in order to talk through his personal issues.

“Raoul Moat is clearly the dream guest for my show,” explained Kyle in a televised appeal. “His absolute refusal to take a shred of responsibility for his actions, coupled with his irrational diatribe against his ex-girlfriend, the police, doctors and anybody who has ever said ‘no’ to him, qualifies him perfectly as a target for the anger and ridicule of people sitting at home on their fat arses when they should be out earning a proper living.”

“According to his tedious 49-page rant, Raoul seems to have got it into his stupid, working-class head that the police deliberately set Samantha Stobbart up with a new boyfriend just to piss him off,” said Kyle’s wishy-washy sidekick, Graham. “That should be good for a sustained round of laughter from the studio audience. And the fact that he shot both of them at point-blank range should raise a satisfyingly loud ‘boo’ lasting several seconds.”

Mr Kyle is reported to be heading for Northumberland with a contract for Moat to sign, under the terms of which the at-bay killer will surrender himself into Kyle’s custody and allow the opinionated non-celebrity to taunt him with scornful cries of “I’m talking, now shut up and listen!” “Oh, my heart bleeds – now stop whining and get a job” and “Whose name is on that wall? Mine”, in return for several weeks of sitting down with a nodding man who has a degree in sociology.

A police spokesman said that the ideal outcome would involve Moat being shot to ribbons by trained marksmen, but if he wanted to blow Mr Kyle’s head off first they’d be happy to hold off for a day or two and let him get on with it.

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Public Demands Axe For Council Job Titles Containing More Than Three Syllables

Following public consultations, communities secretary Eric Pickles announced that he would be putting pressure on local authorities to eliminate all jobs whose function is not blindingly obvious from the title to a two-year-old.

“What the hell is an Inclusivity Monitor when it’s at home?” demanded the no-nonsense Tory gutbucket as he tucked into a bucket of sausages and mash. “Or a Building Control Enforcement Officer, I ask you? Or a Programme Coordinator, or a Frontline Advisor, for the love of God? It’s time to kick these sponging bastards out on their ear.”

“Councils are absolutely swarming with useless wasters,” he belched. “What you’re all telling me is that you want to cut the crap and see your town halls streamlined, just like in the good old days when there was just a town clerk and a couple of typists.”

When asked by the Nev Filter exactly what a ‘communities secretary’ was for, Mr Pickles terminated the press conference by choking on a sausage.

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Monday, 5 July 2010

Queen Only Stuck You For 62p Last Year

Queen Elizabeth II is now officially less of a sponger than that wide-eyed stoner who constantly pesters you for the price of a cup of tea every time you go into town, according to figures released by Buckingham Palace.

Palace officials revealed that the Queen only hit on you for 62p last year to keep her in a variety of cylindrical outfits that may look like they came from Oxfam, but which you know deep down probably cost thousands of pounds each.

The shortfall in the cost of frowzy coats and hideous hats was made up by dipping into the surplus money your parents stumped up back in the glory days when even Princess Michael of Kent was on the blag, said Sir Alan Reid, Keeper Of The Privy Purse, speaking from the Royal Privy where the purse is kept hidden in a big grip-top bag in the cistern.

“The Queen is acutely aware of the current economic climate, but would like to point out that, if she keeps on dipping into the Civil List reserves like this, she’ll be skint by 2012,” he added. “Think about that. Do you really want to see Britain represented at the Olympics by a threadbare bag-lady with her arse hanging out of a pair of cheap trackies from Tesco?”

Hard-pressed Britons responded by suggesting that some of the fusty old royal treasures could be auctioned off on eBay, starting with Prince Philip.

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Radio Station Nobody Listens To Will Continue Broadcasting To Thin Air

Millions of people who never listen to the radio but, if they did, might very well tune into Radio 6 Music out of mild curiosity, cheered this morning as the BBC Trust announced that the digital station would not now be facing the axe after all.

“We appreciate that, in this playlist-dominated age, nobody in control of their own bowels actually listens to a radio any more,” said BBC boss Mark Thompson. “Nevertheless, we also recognise that an awful lot of people who don’t even own a digital radio get very vexed at the thought of closing down a radio station that actually plays the sort of wilfully-obscure twaddle they like to tell people they’re really into, when in fact they just listen obsessively to their maudlin old Levellers CDs on repeat play morning, noon and night.”

“Fortunately, all those people who like to think of themselves as right-on didn’t bother to join a Save Asian Network group on Facebook,” he added, “So it’s still ‘goodbye and stick that sitar up your arse on the way out’ to all that jangly-waily crap.”

DJ Lauren Laverne, who presents a show on 6 Music, immediately Twatted her delight at continuing to be paid for playing any old shit.

Shortly afterwards, a new Facebook group of horrified Save Radio 6 Music members called for the immediate closure of Radio 6 Music, reaching 100,000 members within an hour of its formation.

“I didn’t realise that godawful Geordie bum-trumpet was on it,” said one typical commenter. “This changes everything.”

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Sunday, 4 July 2010

Lib Dems Running About Starkers

Police were combing Britain today for streakers, after prime minister David Cameron whipped away the Lib Dems’ remaining fig leaf by announcing that he – and therefore all the other Tory MPs - would be voting against democratic reforms when the bill came up in the House of Commons.

Shortly after the announcement, a bollock-naked Deputy PM Nick Clegg was booted out of 10 Downing Street, clutching his goolies as he shuffled away.

Police switchboards in Lib Dem constituencies swiftly became jammed, as outraged members of the public phoned in sightings of their MPs disporting themselves in the altogether, without a stitch of credibility.

“These Lib Dem flashers cavorted brazenly as their policies were whipped off, one by one, by the leering Conservatives,” said a shocked onlooker. “And Vince Cable in the buff is not a sight for the faint-hearted, I can tell you.”

“Although we were a bit bashful at first, after one or two of our policies were removed we soon took to it, because the feeling of power was quite sexy,” admitted one Lib Dem nudist, under cover of anonymity (except to anyone who might recognise the mole on his scrotum). “And after a while we got quite accustomed to the liberating feeling of fresh air blowing through the empty covers of our manifesto. But we caught a bit of a chill in our privates when Mr Cameron asked every department to outline 40% cuts – and now that he’s ensured that our dreams of proportional representation will come to nothing, we’re left standing here with our limp dicks on display for all to see. It’s embarrassing, frankly, and I feel dirty and used.”

Mr Cameron was unrepentant, however, telling reporters that the Lib Dems would come crawling back for one public shafting after another “because they love it really.”

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Government Invites British Public To Nominate 40% Of British Public For Cuts

The government unveiled its latest ‘Bog Society’ measures today, by asking the British public which 40% of the British public it would like to see cut.

“Of course, we wouldn’t dream of actually implementing such swingeing cuts,” smiled chancellor George Osborne, as he signed a purchase order for 100,000 litres of nerve gas. “It’s all just harmless pretend, like imagining the world’s best supergroup or an all-time dream football team.”

Answers so far given range from “let’s get shot of all those ghastly poor council-estate scum once and for all” from a Mrs.The Hon.S.G.Cameron to “I don’t give a shit, as long as it’s not me” from a Mr.J.Public.

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