British Public Still Failing To Grasp Key Feature Of Hereditary Monarchy

Britain’s commoners have yet to comprehend that a head of state who is appointed by popular choice is technically a president, it was revealed today.

Where were you, Wills, you traitor?

A new poll of the Queen’s humble servants indicates that, having seen him being nice to his mummy on the box last week, they would quite like Prince Charles to have a go at ruling them one day after all.

“I swear to die a free subject rather than bend my knee to an elected head of state, because the stupid British public would vote for either David Cameron or Tony Blair - both of whom have shown themselves to be hopelessly out of touch with the great British public,” said a typical peasant, still draped patriotically in a damp, sweaty Union flag.

“Let’s stick with the hereditary system,” he urged joyless republicans, “Because that way we all get to cast our votes for that legendary man of the people, the Prince of Wales, who’ll get the job anyway on account of democratically dropping out of his mum’s fanny first. What could be fairer than that?”

“Unless he starts talking bollocks again,” he mused. “In which case, I’ll simply switch my vote to that legendary man of the people, the Duke of Cambridge, who’ll get the job eventually on account of democratically dropping out of his dad’s late wife’s fanny first. See? I win again.”

Queen To Give A Shit

The Queen will officially give a shit about her fawning minions at 6pm today, in a speech she wrote with earplugs in during last night’s concert – which will be transmitted on all radio, TV and internet services of the completely impartial BBC.

Who knows what she might say?

What The People Hope To Hear
“Her Majesty is selflessness personified, so I imagine she will actually condescend to thank the peasantry for their ridiculous, clunking efforts to please her, when in fact we should be the ones thanking her for the huge difference she makes every day to each and every one of our pathetic lives” – Jeremy Brown-Nowes, royal coffee-table book generator
“I confidently expect the Queen to formally renounce her family’s spurious claim to the throne and demand a lifelong presidency for Tony Blair, in protest against the reintroduction of slavery as a means of stewarding this sickening celebration of inequality” – Alan Rusbridger, Grauniad editor
“What the Queen ought to do is plug in a guitar and do ‘We Will Rock You’, because that would literally be like so fucking awesome” – Josh Geake, shelf stacker and internet spokesman for Britain’s gilded youth
“I’m looking forward to mumsy calling it a day at last and passing the crown to a patient, devoted son with years of service left in him. Sob” – Charles Windsor, unemployed

What The People Will Actually Hear
“My husband and I ... thoughts and prayers ... great and blessed nation ... with great humility ... your overwhelming support ... my loving family ... cold dead hands ... God bless you all.”

Queen Bursts

Britain is crushed in the grip of constitutional disaster today, following the tragic bursting of the Queen in the middle of her own Jubilee after the entire BBC tried to crawl inside her rectum.

Horrified A&E medics at St Mary’s Hospital fainted at the sight of the grossly-distended monarch swaying towards them, suspended by steel cables beneath an overloaded air ambulance. Unconfirmed reports indicate that, as the mercy flight passed over Hyde Park, tragic royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell fell out of the royal arse and drowned in the Serpentine before the Queen tragically exploded as she was being set down in an ambulance bay.

Shocked eyewitnesses claim the famously impartial BBC’s ill-conceived journey up Her Majesty’s back passage began at lunchtime, when the One O’Clock News was presented from the gardens of Buckingham Palace – although it is feared that advance parties may have been probing the royal anus since Thursday.
 

Paxman will need years of counselling for that survivor guilt

“I personally saw at least two dozen cameramen, sound engineers and Louisa Baldini disappearing down the back of the imperial knickers as they interviewed Sir Cliff Richard, closely followed by Emily Maitlis,” sobbed a typical traumatised viewer. “The Queen didn’t flinch, bless her. It must be pretty uncomfortable having the entire BBC crawling up your bum, especially at her age, but she’s a real trouper - she didn’t bat an eyelid.”

Tragically, all that now remains of the BBC is a forlorn Jeremy Paxman. Meanwhile, Sir Elton John has been executed in the Tower of London to prevent him from rewriting Candle In The Wind again, tragically reminding a grief-stricken nation of the Queen’s unpopularity when Diana died.

Public Should Stop Being Shallow, Judgemental Fuckwits, Say No MPs

This is what a healthy child should look like

The British public should grow up and stop judging everyone according to their waistlines, according to a controversial report which exists only in the minds of the MPs on the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image, none of whom wants to commit political suicide by telling Britain a few home truths.

Instead, they have opted to blame the media as usual, dump the problem on overworked teachers and expect them to sort it all out, said hamster-cheeked chairwoman Jo Swinson MP.

“Tragic social afflictions ranging from low self-esteem to fatal eating disorders should definitely be laid solely at the door of the fashion industry,” blubbered the double-chinned chubster. “It’s really not about your NHS-funded GP telling you ‘Lose the flab or die, you disgusting fat fuck’ every time you go in for your travel jabs. And it certainly has nothing to do with the average voter being a petty-minded fucktard whose corrosive spite ultimately harms them and their own loved ones as much as everyone else on whom they pass their spectacularly ignorant snap judgements.”

The committee will now pretend to focus its attention on dreaming up a new, inoffensive way to tell you how disgusting you all look.

“It seems that ‘fat’, ‘obese’, ‘overweight’ and ‘Christ, look at the state of you’ have somehow acquired negative connotations,” snapped a pinch-faced GP, in whose mind everyone can and should look like Kate Moss and all smokers are equivalent to the Moors Murderers. “I’m already looking forward to reducing ‘cuddly’ to a gratuitous term of abuse hurled from the windows of passing Astras.”

Thrilling New British Chart-Topping Acts Revealed

Easily pleased

1 (-) Polly & Wally Doodle All The Day
A pensioner plays a Draw Something marathon with his parrot!
2 (-) Hello Kitty Bang Bang
Unbelievably cute toddler and her drumming cat!
3 (-) Tulips From Hamster Dan
Heartwarming origami from a schoolboy and his lovable rodent!
4 (-) Bunny & Cher
Stadium-filling anthems re-imagined - with a floppy-eared rabbit!  
5 (-) Engelbert Humpback
Whalesong for Europe!
6 (-) Chris Morris Mynah
Subversive satirical interviewer ridicules a talking crow!
7 (-) Zac’s Goldfish
Loads of Guardian-friendly old carp from the greenwashing Tory rich kid!  
8 (-) Pitbull Of Hollow
Miserable old Morrissey comes out fighting with a macho makeover!
9 (-) Para Tiddles
The brave lads of the 3rd Parachute Regiment leap out of the back of a Hercules with their little tabby mascot and a smoke canister!
10 (-) Spanish Fly
Michael Portillo and his raunchy lapdancing bluebottle! (Parental Advisory)

Great Value Activity Holidays On Offer As Bolshevik Revolution Grips Europe

And it's educational, too

The pound in your pocket has never promised so much action-packed fun for your summer holidays, say uncharacteristically cheerful travel agents, as impoverished peasant mobs from France To Greece angrily dust off their rusty tumbrils and rebel against their hated leaders.

“As the eurozone collapses headlong into blood-red anarchy, sterling has finally found some residual value,” gushed the manager of a Thomas Cook in Ruislip. “If you can find someone to parachute you into Greece, right now you can sleep in a five-star hotel bed that’s been hauled out into the balmy streets of Athens for a makeshift barricade for as little as 50p a night. A Michelin-recommended dinner with a bottle of exquisite raki will cost as little as a pound, and then you can fill the empty bottle with petrol and hurl it at a policeman to round off the perfect romantic socialist evening.”

Meanwhile, in revolutionary France, cheap family adventure holidays guarantee fun the whole family can enjoy together, as you and your children are encouraged to hurl abuse and unfeasibly large cabbages at the evil capitalist Sarkozy and his overthrown lackeys before entering a prize draw for the rare opportunity to actually pull the string on the famous guillotine.

“And in Germany’s picturesque Schleswig-Holstein right now,” he added breathlessly, “You too can get a grandstand view with all the excitement of daredevil Angela Merkel tearing around in ever-decreasing circles. You can be there when the wheels finally fall off her reckless plans for Eurozone domination!”

King David In Hiding As Pengelly of Plymouth Rides On Paddington

Self-confessed liability King David Cameron is reported to have soiled his garments and fled after hearing reports that Plymouth’s ousted princess, Viv Pengelly, is marching on London on a self-righteous crusade to blame him for yesterday’s peasant revolt which saw her unjustly deposed from the throne which is her birthright.

“By owr swete Mercie did We caws an grete yncyneratour to be sette yn ye Serfes midst, rownde ye wych myte hem hudel for ye hete & protectioun from ye wolves,” sobbed the ancient pantomime dame. “Ye smityinge of ye Ær-port, We didst alowe; so hem hight never ygen lief yn Terrour of ye evill Dragounes cercling over hir hoveles. Highe-way brigandrie did We tackoul, by yeving countroul of ye rutted stretes to ye townes ox cart drivour; nowe, ye fell rorynge of yron stedes scarce nemour ys heer’d aftere Doske. An We did spend eche, & ev’ry, laste Groat of ye taxes; yea, verily, an muche mor; on ye glorious newe palace of tourneys.”

The lady of Plymouth still awaits her great western carriage

“Mark yet mor, gentil scribe; for We did caws ye Herolde to issewe, eache daye, fresshe proclamatioun to ye pesauntry; of whomso hem han to thanke for suche bowneties withal,” she added, “Thus, ye onlie posible explanacioun for hir base ingratenesse nedes moste be ye sore incompetaunce of King David. An pece of Oure mynd shal We verily yeve unto ye wretch.”

And thus it was that, throughout King David’s troubled realm, dispossessed robber barons were singing the same old song. But for them, there were no more suppers to be had.

Modern Coventry Strangely Unfamiliar With Aircraft, Bombs And Ground Tremors

Not an earthquake

The inhabitants of Coventry are to be asked exactly why they think their city is a concrete shithole before being sat down for a little chat with their grandparents, after flooding Twitter yesterday with unprecedented ignorance of their own past when an RAF jet went supersonic.

“You might think that, having become a byword for indiscriminate death and destruction raining down from the skies, Coventry might know at least some of the key characteristics of bombs, tremors and aeroplanes,” sighed a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “For the benefit of the internet generation, let me recap. The telltale sign of an earthquake is things falling over, not a loud bang. If things fall over and there’s a loud bang, it could be a bomb. If there’s a loud bang but nothing falls over, well, that would be one of our planes doing Mach 1.”

“We do try not to do it too often,” he apologised, “Because you’re idiots.”

Wah, Say Motorists

Your local garage, now

Car addicts are tearing around today with their heads out of the window, screaming uncontrollably as they desperately track down all the remaining petrol in the country and pour it into every available container on the off-chance that a few tanker drivers might conceivably go on strike for a couple of days in a week or two.

“The kitchen sink, the bath, the bins and all the saucepans are brim-full, so I poured concrete down the toilet, just like Francis Maude told me, so now it’ll hold about 20 litres mmph glug,” blurted a haggard BMW lover on a garage forecourt in Hendon, as he sucked the last few drops out of a nozzle and stored them in his cheeks for future use.

Meanwhile, an embarrassed government hastily dispatched roads minister and former fireman Mike Penning to allay the fears of Britain’s panic-stricken motorists by grasping their shoulders, headbutting them in the face and telling them to “Get a fucking grip, shithead” – starting, live on national television, with his cabinet colleague, Francis ‘Firestarter’ Maude.

Internet Troll Forced Me To Make A Tidy Sum From TV Documentary, Sobs Media Has-Been

Unlike you, Richard Bacon is too sexy for his shirt

A washed-up nobody from the depths of BBC purgatory, Radio 5 Live, broke down in tears today as he told reporters that years of receiving vindictive internet abuse had brought him to the point of making several grand from a documentary about his traumatic experiences - which, by pure coincidence, airs this evening on the TV purgatory, BBC Three.

Poor little Richard Bacon - whom older readers may remember as the Blue Peter presenter who got himself sacked for being caught with his head buried in a bag of nose candy – wept openly as he revealed that, tragically, somebody somewhere doesn’t like him.

“If someone as utterly bloody gorgeous as me can be disliked,” wailed Bacon, “I wondered what kind of internet hell lies in store every day for ordinary little dull people who are too ugly to work in the media? And I realised there could be a profitable hour of sympathetic nodding to camera in this.”

Bacon went on to warn that, in the insane world of the internet, repulsive dullards like you are given an opportunity to actually say what you think to lovely people like him.

Football Fans Consumed By Collective Guilt

Angst-ridden football supporters are united today in blaming Fabrice Muamba’s life-threatening on-pitch heart failure solely on their own selfish need to be entertained by fast-paced action.

Whoever would have thought football could be so degrading?

“This is all my fault,” said every footy fan today in an orgy of critical self-loathing. “What sort of callous, degraded excuse for a human being am I to expect my fellow men to push their frail bodies to the very brink of death, merely to briefly satisfy my insatiable craving for excitement? It’s as cruel and inhuman as gladiators hacking each other to pieces in the Colosseum. Well, I swear I won’t ever set foot inside a football stadium again, not for as long as I live. My conscience will never let me.”

“This pointless tragedy has finally opened my eyes,” each ashamed supporter admitted. “Anyone who still thinks it’s in any way acceptable to drool over this brutal contest deserves to be shunned by decent folk.”

“No game is worth a man’s life,” added the remorse-filled fans. “I’m cancelling my Sky subscription immediately, because I sense this must be something to do with Rupert Murdoch. He’s turned me into a baying, blood-drenched fiend, using hypnosis or something. Yes, that must be it. Everything’s his fault, the murdering bastard.”

Britain Diagnosed With Hollywood-Induced Quixotism

Psychologists say Britain’s unhealthy obsession with blockbuster movies has tragically developed into full-blown quixotism, the mental illness in which the commonplace seems fantastic, after the entire population decided that a meteor burning up in the atmosphere could not possibly be anything but a crashing - and probably snake-infested - airliner, full of screaming victims desperately texting their heart-rending final words to their loved ones.

No

“Millions of meteors fall into our atmosphere every day,” sighed Dr Maria Strangelove as she prepared the papers for Britain to be committed, “Whereas, in a typical year, about 150 commercial aircraft fall out of it. Now, which do you think you’re more likely to witness?”

With therapy, say experts, Britain may one day recover some sense of proportion – although they warn that this will take some time as, even once it accepts that what it saw was just a rock, the nation will then have to overcome the tragic delusion that only the heroic intervention of Bruce Willis narrowly saved the human race from total extinction.

Mr Goodwin Told

Mr Fred Goodwin, the scheming tyrant who singlehandedly destroyed civilisation, has been reduced to a hollow shell sitting in a luxury mansion contemplating the futility of his continued life of meaningless wealth after being stripped of his knighthood by the Queen.

Titles should be deserved, or they become meaningless

“Honorific titles should be earned by the strenuous efforts of people whose exceptional feats benefit all of mankind, not some pompous, arrogant twerp whose only talent is for wasting prodigious amounts of other people’s money,” admonished Her Majesty, who earned her title by the exceptional feat of being born. “And my son, the Duke of York, and his estranged wife, the Duchess, both feel rather strongly about this, too.”

Meanwhile, calls are mounting for Sir Rupert Sterling, a senior director at Megabank, to be stripped of his knighthood on the grounds that he is an occasional character in a cartoon strip.

“What sort of topsy-turvy world do we live in when a drawing in a bloody newspaper gets showered with honours, while the jumped-up little nobody who sells me the Telegraph every morning doesn’t even have to common decency to address me as ‘sir’?” seethed plain Mr Rob Blind, whose selfless efforts to sell futures are the only thing keeping Western Europe from mass starvation. “Because I’m certainly not his bloody ‘mate’, I can tell you.”

Passengers Baffled By Concept Of ‘Worst Train Operator’

Thank you for travelling with First Great Western, suckers

A survey has confused long-suffering rail users by suggesting that one useless, thieving train operating company could somehow be even worse than the other useless, thieving train operating companies, it emerged today.

“As far as I’m aware, the only possible difference concerns the various garish colour schemes they inflict on their trains,” moaned a rail victim at Paddington, who was in a state of shock after being mugged for £264 for a cattle-class return ticket to Penzance on First Great Western’s ‘heritage’ line. “But all of them give me the same blinding headache.”

Meanwhile, at Euston, one of Richard Branson’s hapless prey was being kicked screaming onto the 0803 by fiendish minions after waving his tearful goodbyes to a hard-earned £158 for the dubious privilege of being dumped in a reeking Birmingham cave after considerably more than 84 minutes of nausea, punctuated by a persistent idiot with a trolley but no understanding of the basic principles of coffee.

Research Proves Baby-Faced Politicians Can Crap All Over Us

Politicians can evacuate their bowels on the public as often as they like and still be loved unconditionally, according to the latest research from Jerusalem, as long as they look a bit like a big baby.

“Aww, wook at his widdle chubby cheeks,” cooed Professor Ifat Maoz of the city’s Hebrew University, as he held up a picture of a baby with a Hitler moustache added in Photoshop. “Bless.”

Reacting swiftly to capitalise on uncritical public opinion, David Cameron is to shave off all his hair and appear at the dispatch box clad only in a nappy, citing hugely-popular former Tory leaders William Hague and Iain Duncan Smith as role models.

Meanwhile, in a snap poll conducted by the Nev Filter, the indications are that turnout could double at the next general election if voters are given a straight choice between Ian Hislop and Graham Norton.

Wah

Country-Blocking Twitter Development Poses No Threat To Freedom Of Stuff, Say Online Paragons

This living saint says it's OK

Millions of grass-roots defenders of free stuff swiftly put down their trusty keyboards yesterday to mount a viral campaign of complete silence, after Twitter unveiled a way of blocking all messages from entire countries which has absolutely no impact on the basic human right to steal other people’s stuff.

“,” declared staunch free-stuff supporters Anonymous, summing up the concerns of ethical campaigners across the globe, as they deployed hard-hitting distributed denial-of-service attacks on no multinational corporations or government agencies in response to the uncontroversial move from Twitter which – although allowing oppressive governments to silence citizens’ protests with just one simple email – will preserve their fundamental freedom to help themselves to copyright material.

“We believe the new, more granular approach to withheld content is a good thing for freedom of expression,” a Twitter spokesman lied through his teeth. “If you think you have a problem with the logic of that sentence, please stop worrying about it right now and concentrate on the awful fate of Megaupload instead.”

Public Just Crying Out For Cuts, Says Labour Genius

Vote Labour

Jim Murphy - the shadow defence secretary, for Christ’s sake - has told delighted Guardian readers today that what will make Labour electable again is to realise that what the public wants more than anything is cuts, cuts and more cuts.

“The truth is the Labour Party would have to make cuts if we were in power," he said brightly. “It is difficult to sustain popularity without genuine credibility.

“I really reckon the whole country is with me on this,” he argued. “We’re certainly not going to get any popular support by calling on the government to protect essential services, safeguard people’s jobs or invest in the younger generation. That’s all just stuff and nonsense, as I’m sure the public knows very well.”

Talking Dog To Split

It's Amy Winehouse all over again

YouTube’s sensational talking dog today shocked fans by announcing that he is breaking up at the peak of his career.

“I need some time out to deal with my sudden rise to fame,” explained the dog celebrity. “I will be checking into the Priory clinic to deal with my food addiction issues, and when I am recovered I shall be looking at various media career options. Presenting Daybreak on ITV is just one exciting possibility I’ll be exploring.”

Meanwhile, a radiant Katie Price told reporters she is expecting the dog’s child.

British Public Says Screw You

Welcome to the 21st century

A marked change in social attitudes reveals that the British public object to paying any taxes for anything, according to a survey published today by the National Centre For Anti-Social Research.

“Fuck the NHS. Fuck schools. Fuck the unemployed. Fuck the disabled,” said everybody. “Why should I subsidise all that? I’m the only bugger who does any sodding work round here.”

The survey reveals a widespread belief that everybody should bloody well stand on their own two feet, especially those bastards who haven’t got any.

Arab Spring Not Entirely Panning Out Quite As Incurable Optimists Hoped

Well, it wouldn't be Spring without a few dark clouds

With the Egyptian army killing civilians in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, imams holding the reins of power in Tunisia and rival factions turning their guns on each other for control of Libya, incurable optimists are experiencing some feelings of dismay about the achievement of an earthly paradise taking slightly longer to materialise on the shores of North Africa than they had previously predicted.

“With the benefit of hindsight, maybe the faith Egypt’s anti-Mubarak protesters placed in the generals who had been propping him up for thirty years could be described as charmingly naïve,” said one democracy addict, who fervently longs for the day when he is personally consulted on every last finickity detail of everything. “But I’m pretty sure they’ll get blisters on their trigger fingers or something, sooner or later, at which point absolute freedom will immediately assert itself... er… unless the Egyptians freely and democratically vote for an Islamic party, like the Tunisians did and the Moroccans seem to be doing, in which case it might take a century or two longer than I’d ideally like.”

“And as for Libya… er… oil… Western interference… corporate interests… you know,” he added.

“Meanwhile, I’m incredibly optimistic that the various Occupy movements springing up all over the Western world will surely bring down the crumbling edifice of capitalism, as billions spontaneously rise up peacefully against the cynical last-ditch deployment of state-sanctioned brutality, ushering in a new era of universal harmony for everyone in the entire world – probably next April, I reckon, if I’m not very much mistaken,” he predicted confidently.