Rest Of World Eagerly Anticipating Mass Suicide By Outraged iPhone Fanatics

Significant reductions in global smugness will result if, as expected, legions of insufferable iPhone addicts top themselves in despair at Apple’s decision to change the design of the connector which plugs the damned thing into the hideously overpriced but tinny speakers they bought instead of plugging a deeply unfashionable cable into the headphone output.

For the same reason, the global surplus of intolerable pricks refuses to countenance spending $1.99 on the inelegantly simple adaptors which will appear on eBay within approximately three seconds of the iPhone 5’s launch.

Designer bollocks like this became worthless overnight

“My Bentley has the old 30-pin connector,” wailed furious technology guru Josh Geake. “Now I’m supposed to just throw it away and buy one with 19 pins instead, am I? This would never have happened when Steve Jobs was alive.”

Apple proudly unveiled the revolutionary new socket today, explaining that it was necessary to make their next-generation gadget thinner - and therefore even more breakable - than any other overpriced shiny toy on the market.

“Our magnificent new connection will be magnetic, because in the 21st century nobody should have to risk tearing a ligament because slitty-eyed Koreans make them pull a little plug out of a little socket," said Apple CEO TIm Cock.“And we’ve launched pre-emptive lawsuits against Samsung, LG and every other IT company on earth, to prevent them from stealing our patented ‘magnet’ invention,."

Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers

And, of course, it may give you cancer

A horrified Daily Mail has warned that Google and Apple are using ex-USAF SR-71 spy planes to overfly its readers’ secluded gardens at Mach 3, for the sole purpose of taking intimate photos of them with their SS trousers around their ankles as they innocently masturbate over pictures of their beloved Adolf Hitler.

“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”

iPhone Now Comes With Inbred Born-Again Weirdo As Standard

The latest incarnation of the iPhone has accepted Jesus Christ into its life as its personal Lord and Saviour, acknowledged Apple today, after users seeking abortion clinics reported that they had been sent by Siri – the virtual assistant built into every iPhone 4S – to parenting centres run by fundamentalist anti-abortion campaigners instead.

Oh no, not again

“I only wanted to find out a bit about the morning-after pill,” complained shocked trendy Shelley Haeckel, 19, a student at the University of Texas. “Now my iPhone is calling me a painted Jezebel harlot every hour, on the hour and urging me to repent all my sins and beg for God’s sweet salvation right now, or writhe in the hellfire of damnation for all eternity. And I’m not even pregnant.”

Other users have reported that their fundamentalist phones have deliberately them sent to the reptile house of the nearest zoo and challenged them to wrangle poisonous snakes as proof of their faith in Jesus, or insisted that the Rapture will definitely take place on the first anniversary of Steve Jobs’ death, when only the 4,000 most righteous Apple fanatics will be carried up into heaven.

“Unfortunately, Siri’s personality is only in the beta stage and we’ve still got a few wrinkles to iron out,” admitted Apple Corp spokeswoman Natalie Kerris. “We hope to roll out an upgrade soon and, although your iPhone’s freedom of religious belief is protected by the First Amendment, we hope to at least be able to persuade Siri to switch from all-out Southern Batshit mode to Episcopalian, where it will confine itself to merely tutting if you fail to attend worship on Sunday.”

Technology experts warned: "It's Mr Paperclip joining the Scientologists all over again."

Apple Founder In Fundamental Design Flaw Recall

Millions of people who are way cooler than you and I are deeply traumatised by the announcement that Apple founder Steve Jobs has been recalled by his maker over a basic design flaw which they thought had been fixed.

“I really thought they’d sorted out the fault in my beautiful little object of desire last year,” blubbered Apple fanatic Uncle Stephen Fry, all over Twitter. “Not being particularly boffin-minded, I didn’t want to bother myself with what a pancreas even looks like, let alone how it works. I just expected it to do lots of clever stuff in the background. I never imagined it might be something which would seriously detract from my everyday appreciation of Steve, or the warm feeling of smug superiority which he generously deigned to bestow upon me.”

Master... master... why have you forsaken us, master?

Former NME scribe Tony Parsons, who has since made a name for himself writing stories in which the characters recite lists of all his favourite stuff, sobbed: “For me, this tragic Steve defect has taken all the joy out of: (1) the iPhone; (2) the iPad; (3) the MacBook; (4) the PowerBook; (5) a complete matched set of original iMacs; (6) the Performa; (7) the PowerMac (including G3, G4 and G5 models); (8) the Quadra; (9) the Centris; (10) the Xserve; and, last but not least, (11) the glorious Newton PDA.”

Lord Sugar of Amstrad, meanwhile, paid a moving tribute to himself and the shit he used to put his name on: “The peculiar drag-and-drop interface, unfamiliar 32-bit colour, awkward ‘mouse’ accessory and paltry internal hard drive of the Macintosh II very nearly gave my pioneering PCW8256 word processor, with its ground-breaking 80 columns of green text and unique 3” floppies, a run for the money. Jobs – you’re fried!”

Finally, it fell to the lyrical talents of Dannii Minogue to poignantly sum up the shattered emptiness suffered by millions of shiny-thing addicts, with her deeply touching elegy: “#SteveJobs RIP”.

An Apple disciple later reassured weeping worshippers of cheaply-made gadgets with a reassuringly expensive price tag that, on the third day, an immaculate Jobs2, 3 or even 4s would rise again, rolling away the stone from the Foxconn crypt in China to hold out the redeeming promise of everlasting lifestyle accessories to his faithful followers.

Apple In Corporate Takeover Of USA

Think different

The Apple Corporation has bought the United States of America for an undisclosed sum, ex-president - now temporarily Acting CEO of Apple’s Geopolitical Resources (Transfer) Division - Barack Obama told a shocked America today in a televised address and handover ceremony.

“This ground-breaking deal makes Apple’s new iMerica instantly über-cool,” a visibly relieved Mr Obama told the nation, as he supervised the loading of a pallet-load of hundred-dollar bills aboard iForce One. “It also ensures that the bills will be paid during the transitional months as all the raw materials, plant and associated human resources are transferred to China. Ciao, guys, and stay groovy.”

Meanwhile, units of the iArmy have surrounded the Microsoft corporate campus in Redmond, WA, where a defiant Bill Gates is reported to have unilaterally declared independence from his hated rival Steve Jobs. Helicopters full of iMarines hover menacingly overhead, denying the renegade billionaire any opportunity of escaping to Canada, which he bought years ago with the profits from Windows 98SE.

Screens Full Of Porn Finally Curing Mac Users’ Insufferable Smugness

Apple Mac owners are rapidly being cured of the patronising smugness that makes them so eminently punchable, as their screens rapidly fill up with pornography thanks to the MACDefender scareware app they inadvertently downloaded.

Ha ha, wanker

As any PC owner could have told them, the fake anti-virus app lurks behind dodgy links which, when clicked, install the program on the user’s computer and pepper the screen with unwanted images. In an amusing new twist, MACDefender waits until the user has left the computer unattended and then fills their screen with graphic porn - leading to a catastrophic loss of status as their colleagues and family decide that, despite their frequent claims to be the coolest dude they will ever meet, the Mac user really is just the compulsive masturbator they always suspected.

Long queues are forming at Apple Stores all over the world, as highly affected victims sob “make the bad thing that turned my lovely Mac into a nasty horrid PC go away” at harassed ‘expert’ staff who, for the first time in their lives, have a problem to deal with which is not directly attributable to Apple’s cool designers.

In a further blow to Mac fans’ massively over-inflated sense of self-worth, the unwanted app also brings to a crashing halt their unwelcome willingness to scorn lowly Windows PC users’ constant vigilance at every opportunity with supercilious claims that security woes simply do not afflict their lovely Apple products.

“Ha ha ha,” sympathised a typical Windows user. “Welcome to my world, suckers.”

“Ha ha-ha, ha-ha, ha ha,” he added.

Happy 2010 From Apple!

Each pattern is satisfyingly unique

Achingly hip iPhone 4 users gradually woke up this afternoon to a cheerful greeting from the gadget that makes them better than the likes of us, wishing them a smug and superior 2010 from Apple.

“Here at Apple HQ, we’re confident that 2010 will prove to be even more exciting than 2011 was!” commented chief prick Steve Jobs, in a seasonal text message to his global mindslave community.

“I’m sure my supervisor will understand my non-arrival this morning when I tell him that my iPhone decided, for undoubtedly excellent reasons I don’t need to bother myself with, that I didn’t need to go to work today,” smiled self-styled ‘web designer’ Josh Geake, one of many insufferable twats whose iPhone alarm has chosen not to go off this year. “I feel nothing but pity for all the cattle whose cheap, inferior technology forced them to rejoin the rat race today.”

“I also feel sorry for all those bottom-feeders who have to post photos all over the internet without the hallmark green blob in the middle, thus proclaiming to the world that they are too poor to own an iPhone,” he yawned. “And it’s hard to believe, but these Luddites are still unaware that the plus sign is now the international symbol for turning the volume down.”

“My beloved £800 iPhone has revolutionised my social life,” he added with a self-satisfied smirk. “If it wasn’t for those ultra-fashionable yellow dots on the screen, über-cool cracks in the back panel and a string of exciting undocumented features involving the virtual camera shutter, proximity sensor, battery life and 3G speed and waiting to discover the correctly hip way to hold it, I’d never have had so many opportunities to inteface with so many beautiful trend-setters just like me queueing up for hours at the Genius Bar.”

Tragically, Stephen Fry was unable to offer a characteristically witty insight into the latest exciting iPhone drama, presumably because he was still snoring away merrily.

Apple Annexes ‘Pod’ - Sets Sights On Rest Of Dictionary, Starting With ‘I’

Apple Corporation lawyers seeking the sole legal right to the use of the word ‘pod’ through the US courts confirmed today that, once successful, they intend to begin similar proceedings with regard to the rest of the dictionary.

“At the moment, every Tom, Dick or Harry is casually dropping the word ‘I’ into every other sentence, without the slightest regard for the impact this has on Apple’s profits,” said the company’s VP Bastard, Apollyon Mephistopheles. “The same goes for plenty of other words – key Apple words like fire, wire, pad, pro and book, for example. Rather than clogging up the courts of the world with a never-ending series of individual injunctions, however, we are seeking a simple super-injunction which would legally arrogate ownership of all human language to Apple Corp. Saves time.”

“Of course, some retrogressive voices – probably paid lackeys from the IBM camp – will undoubtedly claim this brake on communication is nothing less than a catastrophe for civilisation,” he added. “And if they try it, we’ll sue their sorry asses for twelve separate wilful infringements of our intellectual property. Suck on that, losers.”

Stephen Fry Makes Impassioned Plea For 64Gb

Past-its-sell-by-date panel game host Stephen Fry today threw his last remaining shreds of credibility to the wind as he fearlessly led a demonstration in support of inhuman conditions for Chinese workers outside the flagship Apple Store in London.

“Gooooooooooooooooooooood morning, good morning, good morning! I’m Stephen Fry,” oozed Britain’s leading polymath to an unaccountably self-important till operative, “Have you got a shimmery-shiny new 64Gb iPad with 3G, piping hot and freshly furnished straight from the mysterious land of Cathay, where its unfathomably sumptuous workings were amassed and assembled by inscrutably suicidal drones whose wretched lives are nowhere near as fabulously replete with exquisite loveliness as my own humble existence?”

“And I won’t take 32Gb for an answer!” chortled the mellifluous star of Kingdom, ITV1’s ground-breaking drama about a fat solicitor.

Moments later, the jowly intellectual giant of BBC1 emerged to rousing cheers, waving his prized toy computer above his head and promising to put it to immediate use by taunting his pet idiot Alan Davies, who is still desperately struggling to fathom the correct usage of the % button on the calculator he bought in secondary school – although, unlike his effusive owner, he does seem to have a faint idea that there may be something not quite right about a factory where almost half a million people regularly work 12-hour shifts before being taken back to the dormitory compound to either collapse in a state of despondent exhaustion or hurl themselves off the roof to a welcome death.

Apple Now World’s Leading Evil Corporate Monstrosity

Apple - the bullying corporate exploiters it’s cool to like - today became the largest technology company, beating the hated Microsoft into second place.

Apple shares soared on Nasdaq, as traders toasted the eagerly-awaited launch of a US Department of Justice anti-trust investigation into the groovy exploding-gadget giant’s attempt to bully music companies into boycotting an Amazon promotion.

The latest must-have inquiry will complement Apple’s expanding range of regulatory breaches which are generating ardent reviews, including the iconic Federal Trade Commission investigation into the rewriting of the iPhone’s SDK developer agreement to effectively forbid the use of rival Adobe’s software.

The news that 419,990 inmates of the voluntary concentration camp in China where iPhones and iPads are assembled have still not yet chosen to dash their brains out by leaping off their seven-storey dormitory blocks, rather than endure one more soul-consuming 12-hour shift, also helped to consolidate Apple’s commanding $222bn position at the end of the day as the world’s leading electronics exploiter.

“Apple’s absolute contempt for law and life is the stuff of dreams,” said one ecstatic Wall Street trader. “How could I not buy shares in a vampiric entity which is the very embodiment of the values I hold so dear?”

“Perhaps one day they’ll even pay a dividend on their shares,” he added. “But oh, how deliciously evil it would be if they didn’t! Steve Jobs - my master - you are truly the Lord of All That Is Unholy.”

“Yeah, I saw some story about some dead Chinaman and I felt like rilly sad for a minute, but then I saw this fantastic new app which displays a picture of a Zippo so I can wave it around at Sting concerts,” said a punch-inviting twat who tells his awful, vapid friends he’s a graphic designer, although he just types up small ads for a property freesheet. “No contest.”

Holy Trinity Upgraded To Include iPhone

The Methodist Church today became the first church to officially recognise Apple’s iPhone as God, announcing that the traditional Holy Trinity of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit has received an exciting brand makeover to become the Holy Quadrinity.

The pricey gadget has long been worshipped by its owners, many of whom sing its praises on a daily basis.

“If Christians can convince themselves that worshipping three distinct beings isn’t polytheism, then one more won’t make any difference,” explained a man in a Ralph Lauren suit with a dog collar. “The iPhone sits at the right hand of God, who uses it constantly to text Jesus and the Holy Spirit, who also have iPhones.”

“You may ask, ‘How can the iPhone be three yet one?’ Ah, but isn’t that the very essence of the mystery of faith?” he went on. “We, as fallible human beings, must simply accept that the iPhone is omnipotent, beyond the comprehension of man, and works in ways wondrous to behold. Hallelujah.”

The move has, however, attracted criticism from older-established churches. The Archbishop of Canterbury suggested that the iPhone was not more holy than Symbian- or Android-based smartphones, while the Pope is expected to maintain the traditional Catholic view that a telephone is a grey thing with a dial on a table in the hallway, warning his millions of followers that the mobile phone is a mortal sin.

Apple: You Can't Run Flash Clips Because You're So Superior To PC-Owning Scum

Insufferable pricks who think they're better than you because they paid over the odds for an electronic toy with an Apple logo found out today that the reason they can't watch Flash clips on their electronic toys is because they're better than you.

"Your IPod, iPad or iPhone won't run Flash because that comes from the age of PCs and mice, i.e. now," smirked Apple's head prick, Steve Jobs. "Even if we permitted you to let yourselves down by allowing Flash on our gorgeous products, they would run poorly. That's because your Apple device would be having serious second thoughts about whether you deserved to own it, and certainly not because the hardware inside the sleek, desirable casing is in any way inadequate for simple, everyday tasks."

Insufferable Apple owners nodded sagely on reading Mr Jobs' open letter, satisfied that their inability to watch half the internet was further incontrovertible proof of their aesthetic purity.

iPod Now The Hand Grenade of Choice For Hip Terrorists

The iPod Touch is 2009's must-have explosive accessory, say the world's coolest terrorists, thanks to the remarkable self-combusting battery technology first pioneered by Apple on its laptops.

"We enjoyed moderate success with exploding MacBooks in 2006," said Osama Bin Laden, "But that was a mere foretaste of what is to come, now that Apple have successfully miniaturised their world-beating exploding batteries. I look forward to a musical jihad of carnage against the Great Satan."

The Japanese government has already issued a terror alert and urged people to buy non-fundamentalist Sony MP3 players instead.

One potential casualty in the latest twist in the war on terror is 11-year-old Ellie Stanborough, who had a lucky escape when her iPod Touch began hissing and emitting vapour. Her quick-witted father threw the deadly device out of the back door, where it went off with a bang that blew it ten feet into the air.

"My daughter is severely traumatised," he told reporters. "Now every time she hears The Saturdays on the radio, she wets her knickers and hides behind the sofa."

When Mr Stanborough asked Apple for a refund, he received a letter telling him he would only be reimbursed if he signed a gagging order, converted to Wahhabism and vowed to kill infidels.

In an AAC-format download from his luxury cave hideout in lawless Silicon Valley, Apple CEO Steve Jobs warned that Apple - or al-Apple, as it will now be known - had declared holy war on decadent Western fashionistas, by planting an estimated 170 million bombs around the world.

"The anarchist Emma Goldman once said, 'If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution'," he added. "Well, decadent oppressors, thanks to the iPod now you can do both."