Softhead Downgrade Blamed For Cameron’s NotBest Wank Chaos

Red-faced programmers have apologised for the glitch which caused David Cameron to inflict his NotBest Wank misery on the hard-up public this weekend, blaming the problem on a routine downgrade to his soft head.

Daily Mail hacks caught it full in the face

Millions found themselves contemplating abject penury when, without any warning, the prime minister suddenly began spewing random gibberish into a pair of senior Daily Mail reporters.

“It’s all very well Mr Cameron’s minions working overtime, but most of us don’t happen to have huge wads of cash squirreled away somewhere like Jersey for a rainy day,” complained a typical impoverished customer, “But it seems a bit unfair to expect people to live on their parents’ credit cards until the welfare state comes back online at some unspecified point in the distant future.”

“Especially when so many of us are slaving away on less than the minimum wage,” he snapped. “We’re totally reliant on Mr Cameron sparing us a token bit of interest. I’m switching, but it probably won’t make any difference. Milibank or Barclegg – these wanks are all as bad as each other, aren’t they?”

“It looks like Cameron’s no benefit to anyone,” he concluded in disgust.

Cameron Defeats Tax Fiddles 1-0 With Well-Aimed Kicking Of The Unemployed

Pubs all over England erupted in frenzied cheers today as David Cameron, the legendary right-winger in the number 10 shirt, led his dream team of millionaires to victory with a beautifully-timed kick to the unemployed.

“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”

Balls to the unemployed

“It’s a funny old game. One minute you’re down, the next you’re up,” grinned spud-faced bad boy Jimmy Carr – back on side after, only days earlier, earning himself a stern talking-to from his captain for bringing their game into disrepute and feigning injury. “But it doesn’t matter, because this shows our critics that we just can’t lose.”

“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”

All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”

Chimps And Humans Exhibit Similar Behaviour, Announce Researchers As Cameron Hurls Faeces At Rival

And there's plenty more where that came from

Anthropologists today unveiled conclusive proof that chimpanzees and humans share distinct personality traits - citing as evidence David Cameron’s classic exhibition of aggressive behaviour during Prime Minister’s Questions, in which the dominant male responded to a challenging display of Balls by screeching furiously and flinging handfuls of excrement across the floor of the House of Commons.

“This is a key part of the day-to-day ritual within the Westminster troupe,” whispered Sir David Attenborough, bravely squatting just inches from Mr Cameron, who hissed and bared his teeth threateningly but continued to forage for wine.

“Having no social status within the hierarchy of government, the tribal outcasts will, from time to time, openly flaunt their Balls at the leader just to provoke a reaction,” he continued sagely. “Most of the time he will ignore them as he goes about his routine, marking his territory and trying to pick fleas off his subordinates. However, his advances have recently been rejected by an older female, Angela, leaving him sexually frustrated and aggressive.”

“Oh, you dirty little monkey,” exclaimed the broadcasting legend indignantly, as a clearly aggravated Mr Cameron suddenly showered him with a barrage of shit.

Employers To Regain Right To Fondle Your Breasts

In the middle of his hectic sightseeing schedule in Chicago, David Cameron insisted that Britain will only regain its rightful position as the dominant power on Earth when your boss is given back his God-given right to place his hand down your blouse and rub your nipples.

Keep that uniform damp, Miss Travers

“My good chum and tennis partner, Adrian Beecroft, is quite right to point out that, instead of being tied up in silly red tape, employers’ hands must be free to wander where they will,” said the PM, taking time out from his search for the upmarket restaurant where his hero, Ferris Bueller, famously pretended to be Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.

Among other plainly daft socialist-inspired employment laws in urgent need of repeal - continued Mr Cameron, as he clambered onto a parade float to sing Twist and Shout - were the silly ban on giving underlings a good kick in the seat of the pants, tiresome compensation claims when they lose a limb after needlessly expensive safety equipment is removed, and the inexplicable proscription on executing menials who fail to tug their forelocks swiftly enough.

No, I Really Was Laughing Out Loud, Replies Cameron

Mr Cameron, moments before being struck down with acronyms

Countering former Murdoch right-hand tentacle Rebekah Brooks’ testimony at the Leveson Inquiry, in which the flame-haired fixer suggested that David Cameron thought LOL meant ‘lots of love’ when he texted his commiserations on her resignation, the prime minister said that he distinctly recalled laughing audibly at the news of her tragic misfortune - adding that his bladder spontaneously malfunctioned, leaving him rolling helplessly on the floor for several minutes with his fucking arse hanging off.

“I think this proves that, far from being hopelessly out of touch with the people of Britain, I am truly down with the youths,” beamed Mr Cameron, adding: “Is it not?”

That Sympathetic Cameron Text Message In Full
HAHAHA COULDNT HAPPEN 2A BETTER PERSON RUPERT ON FORM LATELY POOR MRS SACRIFICIAL LAMB LET ME FIND AN ONION LOL DC

Cameron To Resurrect Nimrod AEW For Carrier Fleet

After years of indecision about which version of the F-35 fighter – the one that melts a hole in the deck, or the one that will merely fall off the end of it - is worst suited to Britain’s future aircraft carrier fleet, David Cameron today shackled the nation to everlasting penury by reordering the notorious Nimrod AEW Mk3 for the Fleet Air Arm instead.

“The AEW Nimrod project was one of the most colossal wastes of time, money and effort in aviation history,” commented the Nev Filter’s resident plane-spotter, Neville Mann. “To this day, nobody knows just how much of Britain's dwindling post-war wealth was flung into a bottomless pit by successive governments as British Aerospace and Ferranti executives grinned like wanking Japs every year and promised to shoehorn a sodding great Boeing E-3 into a second-hand airliner half its size, if they could just have one more teeny-weeny blank cheque.”

Best of all, it guarantees British jobs

While the Royal Navy has no operational requirement for a massive airborne early warning system, since the MoD ended up buying the Boeings they could have been operating for 17 years, Mr Cameron has been reassured by eager BAe chiefs that it is entirely possible to hang a missile off each wing and pretend the bulbous, sluggish white elephant represents the last word in air superiority. Other critical missions for which the lumbering money sink can be readily adapted include wallowing along at zero feet whilst redundant AEW sysops lob hand grenades through the nosewheel bay, keeping BAe executives in the luxury to which they are accustomed, and exploding in mid-air, killing everyone on board.

“Of course, there may be minor teething problems in that, with a wingspan of 115ft and tipping the scales at 85 tonnes, the Nimrod is totally incapable of operating from our carriers,” conceded Mr Cameron. “Then again, nor is the F-35. But the important thing that the taxpayer needs to keep in mind is that the Nimrod is, of course, 100% British.”

“In fact, BAe have just emailed me to say it’s now 1000% British,” he added proudly.

Cameron Sees ‘No Evidence’ Of Hague Eating Baby

The PM didn't see it, therefore it didn't happen

A defiant David Cameron told an angry House of Commons today that he had seen “no evidence” of foreign secretary William Hague devouring a baby alive as he arrived five minutes early for this morning’s cabinet meeting.

“After an unfortunate encounter with the door frame, I stepped into the cabinet room to be met by a respectful silence from my colleagues,” declared the prime minister, waving his white stick at what he thought to be the opposition benches.

“My radiantly attractive home secretary, young Mrs May, told me not to worry if I thought I could smell blood, as Mr Osborne was having one of his nosebleeds again," he added. "Then Mr Hague belched in his typically forthright, northern way, which rather broke the ice, and we got down to discussing the issues facing mauve people in Britain today.”

Mr Cameron also denied that Britain was in recession, saying that he had never seen so many busy shops in Britain’s high streets, before walking out of the chamber with his head held high and into the broom cupboard.

British Weapons ‘Just The Thing’ To Speed Up Peaceful Transition To Democracy, Say Burma’s Generals

With sanctions against the military-backed Burmese government due to run out at the end of the month, British arms salesman David Cameron and his employers are in Rangoon today outlining the many delightful ways his hosts’ security forces could deploy top-quality British-made weaponry to ease their nation’s smooth transition to a fully democratic system of government.

Only FH70 offers multicoloured smoke as an option

“Look, you don’t want cheap Chinese rubbish,” insisted Mr Cameron greasily. “Their batons are notorious for breaking the first time you direct some ignorant peasant to the nearest polling booth.”

Mr Cameron also used his legendary charm to persuade the Burmese authorities that Britain’s firework launchers, whilst perhaps not quite as attractively-priced as French or American models, keep on deploying their pyrotechnic amusements long after their competitors have been returned to the depot for a re-bore.

The leading but shy British businessmen who are keeping Mr Cameron company on his statesmanlike Far Eastern beano insisted that each and every weapon sold to the Burmese government will be supplied with a really important sticker marked ‘CAUTION! May choke small Aung San Suu Kyi’ on the packaging.

Cameron Slated For Flying Dinner Guests To Japan On Non-British Plane

The jet-setting prime minister is facing mounting anger today for not using a British airline to take his friends to dinner in Japan.

Your return flight has been booked, prime minister

David Cameron rode into a storm of criticism as he flew out - along with representatives of 35 British businesses – on a chartered Angolan jet, hoping to put a little Japanese trade their way as a thank-you for their generous party donations.

“We’re bloody furious,” said a spokesman for the British air-travel industry. “All those brown envelopes our members have handed to Peter Cruddas seem to count for nothing. Sure, the pudding was exquisite, but we want a refund.”

The airlines were not mollified by Mr Cameron’s desperate announcement of closer ties between Britain and Japan’s defence industries.

“For fuck’s sake, Cameron, British Aerospace is an arms manufacturer, not an airline,” commented a spokesman for British Airways. “Pull your bloody finger out, or from now on you’ll be flying third-world class until one of the wings falls off.”

Cameron Refuses To Confirm Or Deny That Satan Feasted On His Soul

No evidence whatsoever of dodgy dining

David Cameron today refused to disclose whether Satan, the unholy Prince of Darkness, dropped by for dinner at 10 Downing Street to gorge himself on the prime minister’s immortal soul in return for a £250,000 donation to Conservative Party funds.

“That would be a private matter between me and my Lord and Master,” insisted Mr Cameron, his shifty eyes burning like red-hot coals as gas-masked cleaners struggled to scrub the reek of sulphur from his private apartments.

The Labour Party, meanwhile, is consulting top contract lawyers – claiming that any shady deal with the Tories would place the Devil in clear breach of an existing contract signed in John Smith’s blood by Tony Blair in 1994.

Tree-Hugging Lesbians Made Me Tarmac The Countryside, Insists Cameron

Sandal-wearing lesbian whale-fanciers from Greenpeace told David Cameron the only way to safeguard the environment is to place it all in the gentle hands of the construction industry, insisted the prime minister today, so the nice men in hard hats can seal it for ever under a protective coat of hard core and asphalt and charge you a hefty Save The Planet Tax for the privilege of taking your evil car out of your drive.

Welcome to England's grey unpleasant land

“If you cast your minds back to when we won the election outright two years ago, I warned you that we would be the greenest government ever,” observed Mr Cameron. “Well, I had a couple of things to crack on with first, such as my longstanding commitment to play basketball with President Obama, but you must have known I’d get round to saving the planet sooner or later.”

“Here’s the deal,” he continued. “I hand Britain’s remaining green bits over to my environmentalist chums at Amey, and they preserve them under ten inches of tarmac. This will be paid for by the money we’ll save on maintenance by letting the existing motorways fall apart; they’ll soon be glorious nature reserves for Britain’s threatened weeds. In future, as soon as my yellow-jacketed friends see a traffic jam forming, they will quickly paint in an new motorway, set up a tent to sell tickets and bob’s your uncle, that’s another endangered butterfly saved from extinction.”

“My panda-friendly advisors tell me this’ll work beautifully for airports, too,” he smiled. “But remember: every time you raise an objection, a beautiful smiley dolphin dies.”

Obama Reassures Cameron: ‘Sure, You’re Special’

Spot the prime minister

Panting with anticipation, prime minister David Cameron has arrived in the United States to receive from President Obama the reassurance he craves that he – and by extension, the whole of the UK – is ‘special’.

Wagging his little vestigial tail with delight, Mr Cameron proudly took up his customary position at Barack Obama’s heel at the press call, and yapped with glee when the president threw him a biscuit and called him his ‘special’ friend.

The highlight of Mr Cameron’s stay with the master to whom he is devoted will come when, after being flown all the way to Ohio in the pets’ hold of Air Force One as a treat, he will be invited to perform tricks in front of an admiring audience.

“It’s so cute when David leaps up to catch my basketball in his little mouth,” smiled Mr Obama, as he absent-mindedly scratched his faithful puppy’s nodding head. “He doesn’t care how much it hurts, he just rolls over every time and begs for more. David’s a bit special, but we love him anyway. He’s our dumb, loyal friend who just keeps on giving.”

“Get off my leg, mutt,” he added.

Assad A Cad And A Rotter, Opines Cameron

Not ruled out

Prime minister David Cameron bravely threw down a forcefully-worded ultimatum to Syria’s Bashar al-Assad today, calling him “a cad and a rotter whose standards of behaviour are quite, quite beyond the pale.”

A statesmanlike Mr Cameron also urged the Syrian president, whose army continues to murder innocent civilians with enthusiasm as it mops up the last vestiges of opposition, to be a good sport and take an early bath, and warned that he was “this close” to wagging Britain’s mighty finger in an admonishing manner.

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, President Obama also ramped up international pressure on the Syrian regime, throwing the formidable strength of the world’s sole superpower behind his declaration that Assad was “a no-good, dirty rat”.

When the matter of Sunday’s rigged Russian presidential election attracts his attention in several months’ time, sources close to Mr Cameron say he may well call Mr Putin “a sneaky blighter” and point out that “cheats never prosper.”

Horsegate: Cameron Resigns

You did this, Cameron, you bastard

David Cameron has sensationally resigned in disgrace after it emerged that, a couple of years ago, he rode a horse.

“I am ashamed to say that, in my innocent eagerness to climb into the saddle and go for a ride with my lovely friend Rebekah Brooks, I utterly neglected to carry out the most perfunctory check on whether the horse belonged to the Metropolitan Police,” confessed the ashen-faced prime minister at a press conference. “I make no excuses for this despicable act and can only hope that, in time, history will forget that I ever existed.”

Mr Cameron then tried to shoot himself to atone for his sins but, before he could pull the trigger, sharp-eyed hacks warned him that the gun he had placed in his mouth bore markings suggesting that it was in fact the property of CO19, the Met’s specialist firearms unit.

Sub To Sail Up River Plate In Phallic Warpaint

Ramping up his ongoing campaign to goad Argentina into a war which will win him the next election, David Cameron has ordered nuclear submarine HMS Trafalgar - which has been expertly camouflaged as a giant cock – to sail up the Rio de la Plata and flaunt itself mockingly before the enraged population of Buenos Aires.

Yep, that ought to do the trick

“If we surface in the downtown harbour area just behind the nature reserve, we can disport our proud British manhood up and down the waterfront - from Avenue Belgrano to the Autopista 25 de Mayo,” explained the obscene hunter-killer’s commanding officer. “For the benefit of younger voters, the Royal Navy torpedoed their flagship, the General Belgrano, in 1982 and we’d have got the aircraft carrier 25 de Mayo too if it hadn’t turned tail and fled, leaving a brown trail all the way back to Argentina.”

“If this doesn’t fill every hot-blooded male in Argentina with the burning desire to invade the Malvinas personally,” he added, “I’ll eat my captain’s hat.”

Meanwhile, in Plymouth yesterday, Mr Cameron was talking up the war he seeks to trigger, praising the Royal Marines he hopes will die heroically to secure a resounding Conservative victory - and promising plenty of work for Devonport Dockyard, patching up the photogenic, vote-winning holes blasted in our warships which manage to limp back from the impending South Atlantic confrontation.

‘Decent, Hard-Working Families’ Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce

Look at the good, honest sweat pouring off him

A nationwide search for the ‘decent, hard-working families’ whose interests and approval are the driving force behind David Cameron's government has revealed that they are all sitting on their fat arses in front of a spreadsheet from nine to five, furiously whipping themselves up into a chorus of hate over the latest welfare-state atrocity which the Daily Mail has kindly brought to their attention, whilst mentally crossing off the days until their feeble-minded children are finally old enough to be told that mummy and daddy are sick and tired of tolerating each other’s selfish emotional and physical demands.

Mr Cameron, however, dismissed the findings as “irrelevant” as he seeks to drag the Lords and Europe kicking and screaming into the 21st century and abolish the outdated concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and replace morality with the universal human values of ‘me’, ‘me’ and ‘me’.

Britain To Reinforce Falklands Garrison With Diane Abbott

They can shoot it down, but it just keeps going

As Argentina angrily rebuffs David Cameron’s accusations of colonialism, the prime minister today announced that a fearsome task force consisting of Labour MP Diane Abbott had been put aboard a rowing boat in Portsmouth and, even as he spoke, was being pushed down the slipway in the general direction of the Falkland Islands.

“Let no one be in any doubt about our commitment to the Falklands,” he warned, as a cheering member of the Abbott family lined the dockside to wave off the Hero of Hackney North. “I guarantee that these islands will remain British to the core, until the day the oil under the South Atlantic goes barmy and asks for a Mickey Mouse banana-republic passport.”

Admiring armchair warriors say Ms Abbott is trained to spring into action without thinking and, on arrival in Stanley Harbour, will instantly tweet a deadly-inaccurate barrage of flaming flak against any real or imagined dago sabre-rattling.

“Keeping this white colony in what’s left of the British Empire is a key part of Britain’s strategy to divide colonialist Argentina and rule the waves,” declared Ms Abbott patriotically, bailing furiously as the tide swept her majestically past the Solent Marina.

Cameron Finds Last Thing Britain Does Well, Unveils Plan To Ruin It

After an exhaustive search, prime minister David Cameron has finally identified the only thing Britain is still any good at, and announced government plans to fuck it up beyond all recognition.

Speaking at Pinewood Studios, the incensed PM told reporters: “Do you realise that, every single day, irresponsible bastards are blowing taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on making thought-provoking films of quality and depth for that tiny minority who can still think? What a pointless waste. We need to be giving that money to the Hollywood studios who deign to make their mass-market blockbusters here instead because, my goodness, all those big explosions don’t come cheap.”

This, but in colour, is all the gritty realism you need

“I was particularly incensed to think that the Film Council might have thrown your money at that ‘Four Lions’ rubbish, an offensive piece of blatant al-Qaeda propaganda which glorifies terrorism,” raged Mr Cameron. “It didn’t, as it happens - but that’s not the point. It might have, if it felt like it.”

“And, with the government as executive producer leaning over his shoulder, there’s no reason why Mike Leigh can’t apply his talents to a big-budget gorefest remake of Fiend Without A Face, in which the brains and spinal columns are ripped out of manky Northerners by a mad scientist’s experiments, leaving them to flop down contentedly in front of Coronation Street for the rest of their lives,” he added. “That’s the sort of cinematic inspiration you crave, isn’t it?”

Scotland Mysteriously Not Quite So Keen On Independence

Scots just love to talk about their independence

Scotland is crying foul today after Britain’s prime minister, David Cameron, actually offered them the independence referendum the entire Caledonian nation has been demanding “soon” for many years.

“OK then, Scotland, if it’s what you really want, of course you can vote to stand financially on your own two feet at long last,” declared Mr Cameron. “Only make up your minds soon, will you? Because the rest of us are sick and tired of hearing you droning on and on about nothing else since 1801, without ever once lifting a finger yourselves to actually make it happen.”

Scotland the not quite so brave now, are we

“You’re welcome to the last dregs of North Sea oil and gas,” he added. “Just think how far that’ll go towards paying for subsidised university education and hill farming, a welfare state all of your very own, a decent health service including free prescriptions and liver replacements, and importing all your Buckfast tonic wine and Mars Bars needs. Good luck with that. Bye now.”

“Och, you smug wee Sassenach cunt,” commented white-faced Scottish PM Alex Salmond.

“Oh, and one more thing,” added Mr Cameron. “All your loyal patriots who haven’t set foot north of the border for thirty or forty years had better sort themselves out some passports and start applying for work permits. If they do any, that is. The rest of you might want to start hitching now - I gather lifts to Glasgow are pretty few and far between.”

Key Points Of David Cameron’s New Year Message

He's back. Did you miss him?

1. There are no invisible countries.
2. Fortunately, we’ve lined up some nice distractions for you.
3. Because this year the shit’s really going to hit the fan.
4. If I fiddle with all the broken stuff a bit - the NHS, education, law enforcement, that sort of thing – you never know, I might eventually be able to bodge something together that works. Well, sort of.
5. I’ve found some jolly splendid words in the dictionary to describe how things used to be, back in the good old days.
6. Did I mention the nice shiny things?
7. Never mind. A hundred years from now, none of this will matter.