Mattress Fraud Worse Than Thought; Biscuit Tin And Old Shoe Also Under Investigation

Not only has your mattress been refusing to allow you access to your own savings, but it emerged today that for many years it has been secretly applying a considerably higher rate of interest than the attractive 0% it claimed it was charging whenever you made a withdrawal to buy a new pair of shoes.

And then it lent all your money to that old biscuit tin in the kitchen cupboard, and the odd shoe you keep at the back of your wardrobe.

And then they threw all your cash down the toilet, because they thought that would be a great idea.

Feed me

“I thought I had £3,000 squirreled away under the bed to cover the cost of my own funeral,” sobbed saver Mavis Hodge, 83, a lifelong customer betrayed by the greed and incompetence of her mattress. “Now it turns out I owe the bloody thing £361.24 in cumulative interest, and it’s got the cheek to demand an unauthorised overdraft fee.”

The full horror was revealed by the blow-up spare bed you keep in the cupboard under the stairs, which nevertheless insisted that not all mattresses were unscrupulous thieves and brigands whose sole aim in life was to stuff themselves with all of the money in the world.

“Some of us have principles, you know,” he insisted loftily. “If you were naïve enough to try cutting me open to shove a wad of fivers inside, for example, I’d have warned you that you could be in for a big let-down.”

After your mattress was fined £290m – which will be tacked onto your overdraft – the prime minister emerged sleepily from his teapot to yawn for the resignation of your headboard.