Paxman Still Hurling Minister’s Guts From Television Centre Roof

Thrill-seeking Newsnight audiences ran screaming from their televisions last night, as an enraged Jeremy Paxman suddenly broke free from his token restraints and tore a whimpering Shitey Chloe Young limb from limb.

Nothing can survive a blow from the terrible claw of Paxman

The roaring beast – promoted by his handlers as ‘the last of his kind’ – was deceptively docile at first, but the moment the pretty young minister flounced onto the set his mood became increasingly wild and agitated.

The menacing grey gorilla toyed with her at first, prodding her playfully and rolling his eyes every time she tried desperately to soothe his massive, furrowed brow by repeating a quavering song about “households and businesses”. Suddenly breaking free from his restraint, however, he horrified his gawping audience by snapping his unequal challenger’s head off and ripping her to pieces, before rampaging through the emptied Television Centre to clamber onto the roof - from where he continues to shower the BBC car park with gory chunks of the hapless treasury junior.

“I smelt the fear the moment I switched on the telly,” cringed a traumatised eyewitness, cowering behind a back bench. “Why on earth wasn’t the Great Shite Chunterer on hand to shoot down this terrifying monster?”

A sheepish David Cameron today insisted that Mr Osborne had, in fact, fully intended to face down the legendary monster - but explained that the chancellor had unfortunately taken several wrong turns on the way to the studio before finally running out of fuel in a blind alley leading nowhere.

BBC Guilty of ‘Fawning’ on Paxman, Claim Royals

The royal family have courted media controversy by saying that the BBC fawns on Newsnight presenter Jeremy Paxman, claiming that the corporation is unsure whether to ‘celebrate’ or report big Paxo events.

“While the BBC does report Paxman’s outbursts pretty straightforwardly, as it should, there is still a fawning taste, a fawning sense to the tone of voice it adopts when dealing with the heir to Robin Day and his opinionated rants,” said Prince Charles.

The Queen suggested that the BBC had not known how to handle the presenter’s comments on the death of comfortable underpants in January.

“It was unclear whether the BBC was announcing this as a piece of news, or in its capacity as fawner-in-chief, really,” she said, “And it really got its knickers in a twist.”

“Ho ho ho,” she added, “That’s rather good, isn‘t it?”

“Look at what he said about a women’s mafia running the BBC,” said Prince Philip. “If I said that, I’d have been held up to public ridicule on the BBC Breakfast. But no, Paxman got off with barely a voice raised in protest, apart from that fit young Frostrup filly - crikey, I wouldn‘t say no to some of that, would you? And can you imagine the furore if I‘d dared to say I thought that that old Burns cove’s maudlin old couplets were ‘sentimental doggerel‘? I’d have been strung up by the goolies by rabid howling jocks, Duke of Edinburgh or not.”

“If one had called the licence fee an outdated tax on owning a television, like Paxman did last year at the Edinburgh Festival, one can bet one’s arse one wouldn’t see any more of one’s crappy documentaries about one’s relatives on the box,” pointed out Prince Edward. “But Paxman can bite the hand that feeds him whenever he feels like it and he’s still there on Newsnight, asking the same bloody question fifty times or whatever it was. It‘s a bit pathetic, really.”

“Surely it must be time for Britain to have a national debate on the relevence of Jeremy Paxman in the 21st century, yah?” said Prince Andrew, before jetting off on another skiing holiday.