Public Should Stop Being Shallow, Judgemental Fuckwits, Say No MPs

This is what a healthy child should look like

The British public should grow up and stop judging everyone according to their waistlines, according to a controversial report which exists only in the minds of the MPs on the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image, none of whom wants to commit political suicide by telling Britain a few home truths.

Instead, they have opted to blame the media as usual, dump the problem on overworked teachers and expect them to sort it all out, said hamster-cheeked chairwoman Jo Swinson MP.

“Tragic social afflictions ranging from low self-esteem to fatal eating disorders should definitely be laid solely at the door of the fashion industry,” blubbered the double-chinned chubster. “It’s really not about your NHS-funded GP telling you ‘Lose the flab or die, you disgusting fat fuck’ every time you go in for your travel jabs. And it certainly has nothing to do with the average voter being a petty-minded fucktard whose corrosive spite ultimately harms them and their own loved ones as much as everyone else on whom they pass their spectacularly ignorant snap judgements.”

The committee will now pretend to focus its attention on dreaming up a new, inoffensive way to tell you how disgusting you all look.

“It seems that ‘fat’, ‘obese’, ‘overweight’ and ‘Christ, look at the state of you’ have somehow acquired negative connotations,” snapped a pinch-faced GP, in whose mind everyone can and should look like Kate Moss and all smokers are equivalent to the Moors Murderers. “I’m already looking forward to reducing ‘cuddly’ to a gratuitous term of abuse hurled from the windows of passing Astras.”