Queen To Give A Shit

The Queen will officially give a shit about her fawning minions at 6pm today, in a speech she wrote with earplugs in during last night’s concert – which will be transmitted on all radio, TV and internet services of the completely impartial BBC.

Who knows what she might say?

What The People Hope To Hear
“Her Majesty is selflessness personified, so I imagine she will actually condescend to thank the peasantry for their ridiculous, clunking efforts to please her, when in fact we should be the ones thanking her for the huge difference she makes every day to each and every one of our pathetic lives” – Jeremy Brown-Nowes, royal coffee-table book generator
“I confidently expect the Queen to formally renounce her family’s spurious claim to the throne and demand a lifelong presidency for Tony Blair, in protest against the reintroduction of slavery as a means of stewarding this sickening celebration of inequality” – Alan Rusbridger, Grauniad editor
“What the Queen ought to do is plug in a guitar and do ‘We Will Rock You’, because that would literally be like so fucking awesome” – Josh Geake, shelf stacker and internet spokesman for Britain’s gilded youth
“I’m looking forward to mumsy calling it a day at last and passing the crown to a patient, devoted son with years of service left in him. Sob” – Charles Windsor, unemployed

What The People Will Actually Hear
“My husband and I ... thoughts and prayers ... great and blessed nation ... with great humility ... your overwhelming support ... my loving family ... cold dead hands ... God bless you all.”