Cameron Defeats Tax Fiddles 1-0 With Well-Aimed Kicking Of The Unemployed

Pubs all over England erupted in frenzied cheers today as David Cameron, the legendary right-winger in the number 10 shirt, led his dream team of millionaires to victory with a beautifully-timed kick to the unemployed.

“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”

Balls to the unemployed

“It’s a funny old game. One minute you’re down, the next you’re up,” grinned spud-faced bad boy Jimmy Carr – back on side after, only days earlier, earning himself a stern talking-to from his captain for bringing their game into disrepute and feigning injury. “But it doesn’t matter, because this shows our critics that we just can’t lose.”

“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”

All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”

Does The Daily Mail Really Sum Up Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Society?

Exhibit A

By Kim Kardashian

The Daily Mail is the poster girl for 'almost everything that is wrong with Western society', according to a leading celebrity.

The paper is part of a culture that glorifies women's physical appearances over their character, claims Dr Kim Kardashian, in a story the Mail will run under a picture of her in her underwear.

“It is not too strong a statement, I venture to suggest, to say that almost everything that is wrong with Western society today can be summed up in about 200 symbolic photos every day of celebrity tits, legs and arses plastered all over the Mail Online website,” Dr Kardashian will say. “The descent of Western civilisation can practically be read into every curve, of which, you will note, there are indeed many. Is this what we want our young people to aim for? Is this what success should mean to them?”

“What is the Mail telling our young people about life? As a society, we have clearly attached a value to it,” she will say. “There may be some lies about the unemployed, cancer or house prices buried in there somewhere – I expect Paul Dacre has to shout ‘Cunt!’ at Peter Hitchens, Jan Moir, Richard Littlejohn, Stephen Glover and Melanie Phillips every day to keep his arses in shape – but these are very hidden lies, buried under the other lies surrounded by glitz and sparkle.”

Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers

And, of course, it may give you cancer

A horrified Daily Mail has warned that Google and Apple are using ex-USAF SR-71 spy planes to overfly its readers’ secluded gardens at Mach 3, for the sole purpose of taking intimate photos of them with their SS trousers around their ankles as they innocently masturbate over pictures of their beloved Adolf Hitler.

“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”

‘Sandwich-Board Jobseeker’ Bollocks Celebrates Diamond Jubilee

Millions of cheering British employers took to the streets today to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Daily Mail’s traditional ‘Desperate Jobseeker Dons Sandwich Board’ story.

60 glorious years

The much-loved national institution – in which the Associated Newspapers group patriotically does its bit for the unemployment figures by hiring an out-of-work drama graduate for a half-hour photoshoot – went walkabout on an M5 slip-road near Bromsgrove, which marks the farthest visit to the north ever made by a serving Mail photographer.

“In these uncertain times of global recession, when competition for jobs is fierce, it’s reassuring to the cunts who read the Mail to fondly imagine that, if they lost their jobs – through no fault of their own, naturally - they, too, would surely win through with the same bulldog spirit personified by our iconic middle-class jobhunter, while the sink-estate dolescum who infest our Jobcentres stuff their guts with KFC buckets in front of The Jeremy Kyle Show,” explained Associated Newspapers’ tormentor-in-chief Paul Dacre. “Times may change, but the time-honoured social hierarchy of unemployment keeps soldiering on. God bless it.”

Elsewhere in the Mail, it was revealed that the government plans to fine editors up to £1.00 if they persist in dumping rubbish all over their pages.

We Hardly Needed To Ask Papers If They’d Support A War, Explains Straw

The Mail was notoriously hard to convince

Speaking at the Leveson Inquiry, former home secretary Jack Straw today poured scorn on the Daily Mail’s claim that the Blair government waited until they were confident of press support in 2003 before sending British troops to the slaughter in an unwinnable, illegal six-year occupation of Iraq.

“Of course we didn’t waste any time worrying about media support,” laughed Mr Straw. “Have you ever heard an editor fretting about the loss of circulation caused by cover-to-cover photos of British troops kicking, blasting and bombing seven colours of shit out of foreign conscripts? Didn’t think so.”

Associated Newspapers’ editor-in-chief Paul Dacre, meanwhile, distinctly remembers the Mail as being the soft, still voice of calm in the run-up to the invasion, fearlessly running openly pacifist headlines like ‘Kill A Wog For Christ!’, ‘Saddam Causes Cancer’ and ‘2003’s Must-Have Accessory: A Garland Of Towelhead Guts’.

Kick Readers Out Of Your Book Clubs, Urges Mail

This is a book. Kick out anyone who says it isn't

The Daily Mail today solemnly advised the nation’s book clubs to eject the resident smartarse who actually reads proper books without being told - or risk feeling a bit dim for failing to come up with anything better than ‘Er I sort of identified with the main character.’

“cleverclogs-style bitches is spoiling the fun 4 sucessfull hard working busy career mums like u an me,” words expert Deborah Andrews warned the Mail’s skim-readers. “just cos they red 4 pleisure even b4 us papers told you how fashnible book clubs was an they done english lit a level, they recon they no moor than what u do (which is of course imposable cos mail readers r the best enformed an insighty out of the hole world lol) !!!”

“oh an for christsakes steer clear of midle march,” advised the paper’s resident literary giant. “That medeaval crap drones on and on 4eva an its full of long words nobody cd posably b expected 2 no!!! and b warned none of the characters do any steamy bonking ether not like what u bougt on dvd sos u wouldnt have 2 wade thru 700 pages of blah. u definitely dont want some smug bookworm pointing that out, just after uv all agreed how erotic the sex bits was!!! x”

Black Hole Formed By Implosion Of Daily Mail

The implosion of the Daily Mail today - after its discovery that hated EU laws could save the proudly British disgrace of binge drinking from its beloved Tories’ unpardonable pettiness – has summoned into existence a deadly singularity which threatens to suck all rational thought out of existence, astronomers confirmed today.

The last known photo of Mr Dacre, with a Daily Mail reporter

“Our instruments recorded a brief but massive burst of noise from Paul Dacre’s office,” explained NASA’s Dr Randy von Braun. “That in itself isn’t unusual, but this time it was abruptly cut off before it could resolve itself into the usual expletive-laden tirade against the hapless hacks trapped in his orbit. When our colleagues at Greenwich Observatory pointed their telescopes at Kensington, they saw a terrible, lightless void from which nothing can escape – Northcliffe House, the home of Associated Newspapers.”

“The worrying thing, though, is that it seems to be expanding,” he added ominously.

Scientists suspect the implosion began when Mr Dacre saw “BAN ON CHEAP DRINKS BREAKS EU LAW” filling the front page of today’s Daily Mail. Dangerously unstable for aeons, the editor-in-chief proved unable to withstand the conflicting forces of law and order, snobbery, blind nationalism and xenophobic bigotry which, without warning, the headline suddenly unleashed inside his head.

The still-expanding event horizon has already engulfed the whole of Middle England, where millions of minds have already been sucked into oblivion by the awful rift in the very fabric of normality.

Research Proves Baby-Faced Politicians Can Crap All Over Us

Politicians can evacuate their bowels on the public as often as they like and still be loved unconditionally, according to the latest research from Jerusalem, as long as they look a bit like a big baby.

“Aww, wook at his widdle chubby cheeks,” cooed Professor Ifat Maoz of the city’s Hebrew University, as he held up a picture of a baby with a Hitler moustache added in Photoshop. “Bless.”

Reacting swiftly to capitalise on uncritical public opinion, David Cameron is to shave off all his hair and appear at the dispatch box clad only in a nappy, citing hugely-popular former Tory leaders William Hague and Iain Duncan Smith as role models.

Meanwhile, in a snap poll conducted by the Nev Filter, the indications are that turnout could double at the next general election if voters are given a straight choice between Ian Hislop and Graham Norton.

Wah

‘Decent, Hard-Working Families’ Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce

Look at the good, honest sweat pouring off him

A nationwide search for the ‘decent, hard-working families’ whose interests and approval are the driving force behind David Cameron's government has revealed that they are all sitting on their fat arses in front of a spreadsheet from nine to five, furiously whipping themselves up into a chorus of hate over the latest welfare-state atrocity which the Daily Mail has kindly brought to their attention, whilst mentally crossing off the days until their feeble-minded children are finally old enough to be told that mummy and daddy are sick and tired of tolerating each other’s selfish emotional and physical demands.

Mr Cameron, however, dismissed the findings as “irrelevant” as he seeks to drag the Lords and Europe kicking and screaming into the 21st century and abolish the outdated concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and replace morality with the universal human values of ‘me’, ‘me’ and ‘me’.

Archbishop Spreads The Word ‘Cunt’

Praise the cunt

Retired archbishop George Carey urged Britain to join him in worshipping a golden statue of a calf adorned with the twisted, snarling features of Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre.

“I worshipped that softy loser Christ all my life, and all I ever got out of it was a pointy hat and a stick,” preached the former Archbishop of Canterbury. “Bollocks to that. My new lord and paymaster, Paul Dacre Almighty, says those who faithfully accept his message of selfishness and greed into their hearts can redeem real, tangible rewards right here on earth."

"Like this cheque made out to ‘That cunt Carey’," he proclaimed joyfully. "Hallelujah!”

Messerschmitt 109 Was Jewish, Claims Mail On Sunday

Sneaky strong-leadership advocate Adolf Hitler blatantly thieved the design of the Messerschmitt 109 fighter from a Jewish paper-dart enthusiast, according to a sensational claim in the Mail On Sunday which could rewrite the entire history of the 20th century.

To a trained pilot, there's no difference whatsoever

Lazy academics have, until now, unquestioningly swallowed Nazi propaganda identifying Dipl-Ing Willi Messerschmitt as the man who copied out Hitler’s supposedly original blueprint for the fearsome spearhead of the Blitzkrieg. However, according to motoring journalist and therefore, by extension, world-class historian Paul Pieschpoord – who, by sheer coincidence, has a book out which he would quite like you to buy – the aircraft’s true designer was none other than bored Yiddish accountant’s clerk Samuel Cohen, whose major contributions to the field of aeronautics were subsequently covered up by Hitler’s henchmen.

“Immediately following his rise to power, Hitler’s SA thugs were ordered to scour all of the rubbish in the Reich, looking for brilliant ideas to steal,” explained Pieschpoord earnestly. “It’s a well-known fact that the V2 missile, for example, was simply a scaled-up cocktail shaker based on a rejected sketch found in a bin round the back of the Bauhaus.”

Pieschpoord pointed out the exact similarity of the Cohen and Hitler fighter designs, both of which unmistakeably share two wings and a tail fin, and called on aviation historians to refer to the design from now on solely as the Cohen Ch109.

Racism Abolished

The newspaper industry today gave itself a huge pat on the back for single-handedly bringing about the end of racism, after Gary Dobson and David Norris were convicted of the 1993 murder of Stephen Lawrence – a conviction secured solely on the evidence of a fearless accusation on the front page of that legendary anti-racist campaigner, the Daily Mail.

In the wake of the British media industry’s tireless campaigning for fairness, decency and understanding, the British National Party and the English Defence League have both announced their immediate disbanding and issued abject apologies for the stupid and misguided opinions they used to express, the ordinary British public are hugging Polish workers in the streets and a contrite David Cameron has changed his mind on the Euro crisis.

Our staunch upholder of tolerance and understanding

“Had it not been for the heroic decision of the Daily Mail to openly flout Britain’s libel laws by calling Dobson and Norris murderers, inviting them to pay all the costs of taking on the best-paid libel lawyers in the land entirely out of their own pockets, the police would still be incompetent and institutionally racist to the core, and there would still be racist attacks taking place on a daily basis on the streets of this utterly tolerant nation,” said every national paper.

“What other country in the world would allow its newspapers to libel with impunity anyone we take a dislike to, safe in the knowledge that only the very wealthiest individuals would dare to take on the staggering financial burden of a legal challenge, knowing that even if they win they may well only get awarded a pound in damages?” they concluded. “So hooray for Britain, and hooray for us.”

“On other pages: Why We Still Reckon Jo Yeates’ Weirdo Landlord Must Be A Kiddy Fiddler, Or Something,” they added smugly.

Deceased Science Fiction Author Robert Sheckley Named Investigative Reporter Of The Year

Daily Mail Now Openly Admitting That It Makes Stuff Up

The Mail says: give that man a VC

As Dominic Sandbrook, Britain’s leading historian specialising in events which will probably never happen, pens another speculative what-if daydream in which heroic Prince Harry is captured by the wicked Argies whilst single-handedly reconquering the Falkland Islands, Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre finally admitted that the paper has in fact been a work of fiction ever since its very first issue in 1896.

“The trouble with real events is that, even after they've been raised to boiling point inside Peter Hitchens’ and Stephen Glover's steaming heads, they simply aren’t dramatic enough,” explained Mr Dacre. “So from now on I’ll be vigorously excising any stray shreds of truth which may have slipped into our reporting. Our readers won’t notice the difference, as they parted company with the real world years ago.”

He went on to announce the sacking of the Mail’s entire staff, to be replaced by leading storytellers such as JK Rowling, Dan Brown and Julian Assange.

“Don’t miss tomorrow’s thrilling lead story, in which we exclusively reveal the unspeakably foreign Nazi Pope’s evil web of intrigue which falsely implicated Harry Potter in the rape of Hogwarts’ exchange student from Sweden,” he added, “And how it will give you cancer.”

Posthumous Fame Can Be Yours!

Daily Mail Designs New Royal Yacht For Queen's Jubilee

Surely the Queen is worth £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to the nation?

Daily Mail Demands Dangerous Frogs Act For Snarling Sarkozy

The Daily Mail today led calls for Nicolas Sarkozy, the vicious French prime minister, to be kept on a short leash at all times and forced to wear a muzzle – or better still, humanely destroyed – after a unprovoked attack from his savage jaws left poor, vulnerable Britain desperately fighting to save face.

Look at those ugly fangs

The latest incident, in which a snarling Sarkozy suddenly turned on hapless Newsnight economics editor Paul Mason, barking: “You come from an island, so maybe you don’t understand the subtleties of European construction,” follows a previous unprovoked attack on David Cameron, when the animal-loving British PM ill-advisedly tried to shake Sarkozy by the paw and promptly had his head bitten off.

“This frog is clearly dangerous and needs to be forcibly restrained,” thundered the Mail. “If Europe can’t keep its frogs under control, then maybe it is time for the law to step in and outlaw these ghastly creatures completely, or at least teach them to behave like poodles.”

Frog lovers, however, are appalled at the hard line being proposed by the Mail, however.

“The frog in question is constantly being goaded by the badly-behaved little Englander pig-dogs next door, who are constantly yapping and whining and snapping at his heels,” pointed out German frog-fancier Angela Merkel. “Perhaps it would be better if they took the opportunity to shut up for once.”

Mail On Sunday Launches Pre-Emptive Strike On Europe

After uncovering incontrovertible proof in the head of rentahistorian Dominic Sandbrook that sneaky Europe has drawn up plans for the brutal conquest and enslavement of the plucky English master race in 2018, the Mail on Sunday has fearlessly declared war on the hated continent - hurling its dreaded columns against the evil European superstate even as a traitorous Nick Clegg pathetically waved a worthless piece in the Observer, in which he feebly claimed that the scheming dictatorship was solely interested in restoring its historic finances.

The top-secret Euro invasion plan the Mail uncovered in Dominic Sandbrook's head

“Time is running out for Cameron, boys!” urged Brigadier Nick Deadwood, spearheading the Mail’s Own Fact-Lite Infantry division as it marched heroically aboard the Eurostar 08:26 at St Pancras. “He must act damned fast to exploit the EU’s weakness to British advantage. Cameron can do this. We will soon find out if he will. If he won’t, then it is surely time to tell him: ‘You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!’ We can then recall our much-mocked visionary editor, Paul Dacre, from the political wilderness and offer him the honour of stirring our proud empire to victory.”

Leading the paper’s 1st Airhead Division onto their waiting Easyjet transport, Colonel Mathew Irriott blithered: "To kick off the war, here is the list of demands which I think should be jolly well taken by force to the negotiating table. It is not exhaustive, but it’s a start: 1. Rejecting the unspeakably foreign European credo of ‘peace in Europe’… well, I think that’ll do for starters, what? I might come up with a couple more on the way over, when I’ve got my head back up in the clouds.”

Peter Hitchens Reveals Shocking Leftie Homophobia To Famously Liberal Mail Readers

As a public service to Daily Mail readers who are allergic to the Guardian, fearlessly tolerant columnist Peter Hitchens has kindly taken it upon himself to explain to them that the hypocritical Trots who infest its pages - having utterly failed to find a single legitimate fault with latter-day paragon Dr Liam Fox - were reduced to instigating a despicable campaign of childish innuendo about his sexuality.

“I am no friend of that very epitome of virtue, the saintly Dr Fox,” explained Mr Hitchens. “I know nothing about his exemplary private life, and care less. But I think it is a very dirty business that Bolshevik newspapers – which, it pains me to remind you, insist that a leering queue of screaming poofters forcing their rancid john thomases up our holy bottoms is on some sort of twisted moral par with the prayerful sanctity of propagating the faithful with one’s dear lady wife and chattel – have now sunk so low as to disgrace themselves with this ideologically bankrupt fraudulence, no doubt with the open connivance of that self-confessed communist stooge, David Cameron.”

Peter Hitchens with his favourite writing tool

Warming to his theme, the Mail’s oracle insisted that the Guardian’s despicable black propaganda was so debased that its brainwashed Stalinist minions even crawled into printing presses to insert fake pages - bursting with their filthy lies - into the print runs of the Sun and the Daily Mail, being naturally too ashamed of their baseless slander to even print it in their own sleazy rag.

The foamingly righteous Mr Hitchens was then hosed down and put back in his box by his keeper.

“Thank the good Lord that Peter Hitchens has spared decent folk the indignity of finding out for themselves what the lefties are saying,” sighed Mail editor Peter Dacre in frank admiration. “If the defence secretary was indeed perverting innocent young lambs in his sickening dungeon of forbidden lust, then his sordid affairs should be kept strictly between him and his maker– who, we should all hope and pray, will smite his corrupt penis with red-hot suppurating boils from now until the end of time.”

Daily Mail Hackette On Suicide Alert After Confessing Shame Of Husband’s Unemployability

A Daily Mail freelancer is being kept under 24-hour suicide surveillance in case she decides she can no longer live with the ignominious humiliation of unemployment in her thoroughly middle-class family, especially after revealing her disgrace to 2,000,000 tutting readers.

“We were once a typical Daily Mail family – comfortable, bit dim, not super-rich,” sobbed ‘Jane Simmonds’ [all names have been changed so the neighbours won’t catch on - shame about the photo] in a heartrending description of the unending squalor of unemployment in the stockbroker belt. “Skiing in February, a nice hotel in Italy or Spain in the summer, just the one Freelander because my useless, freeloading husband can squeeze into my old Micra and bloody well like it until he starts paying his way. Just the bare essentials.”

A DFS sofa - this is the real tragedy of unemployment

Jane’s modest lifestyle suddenly came crashing down around her ears, however, on the fateful day her idiot husband’s bosses decided they might actually get some work done if it wasn’t for him zealously clogging up their inboxes with an endless torrent of meaningless strategic-management bollocks.

“Since Andy was made redundant four years ago now, our income has plummeted,” she moaned, as millions of already-tight sphincters clenched in horror. “No more bijou little boutique visits any more - we just have to slum it in off-the-peg tat from M&S - and Emily, Jack and Lucy have had to learn not to hurl the Wii at the telly every time they lose a game, because hardworking mummy can only afford one replacement Wii or TV a month now.”

The final indignity, however, came when her stupid, proletarian parents tactlessly gave her a cheque to help with the cost of the children’s riding and tennis lessons. “I thought about tearing it up, but they’re so shockingly working-class in their habits that they actually check their statements every month,” she shuddered. “When I handed that cheque over to a spiteful little grinning bank monkey, I burst into floods of tears. It was like being raped, I tell you, just like being raped.”

“Why won’t somebody give my useless husband Andy a job?” she wailed. “He’s got a History degree from Cambridge and one of those MBA things, you know, so he really is super-employable. He’s willing to do absolutely any job I can bear to admit to the appalling snobs next door, although maybe his forte isn’t in personnel management. Since he’s been at home to supervise the cleaner, I swear I’m finding more dust on top of the wardrobe, even though she always pretends to look so hot and flustered whenever I get home a bit early.”