Nev Filter Killed By Avalanche Of 'Amusing' Cat Photos

One long-running - and long-unread - satire blog, The Nev Filter, died today as 'hilarious' pictures of cats burst their databanks and flooded the entire internet.
The dead art of satire was found later to be stubbornly incapable of condensing real-world issues into short sentence composed of not more than six words and superimposing them over a random photograph of a cat - possibly wearing sunglasses - which rescue services say would undoubtedly have saved it.
"The Nev Filter will be sorely missed," sobbed grieving parent Nev, "Mainly by me, as I will now be forced to spend two hours a day doing something worthwhile."
"I would like to thank the public for both their support," he added, "Except, of course, for the well-intentioned but tragically inappropriate pictures of cats they sent me."

Nev Filter Signs Deal With Daily Mail

Nev, the unimpeachable paragon of satire, proudly announced today that he has signed a lucrative deal with Associated Newspapers to pen a regular column about house prices for his long-standing nemesis, the Daily Mail. The Nev Filter’s fans both expressed their surprise at the unexpected development by fainting dead away.

Perhaps Nev will buy a field - ideally, one with a tree in it

The idealistic author of such scathing articles as ‘Daily Mail Now Openly Admitting That It Makes Stuff Up’, ‘Decent, Hard-Working Families Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce’ and ‘Daily Mail Demands Dangerous Frogs Act For Snarling Sarkozy’ pointed out that the cynical posturing of the Daily Mail as the nation’s self-appointed arbiter of absolute morality was, in fact, an exact match for his own position.

The Nev Filter’s new allegiance comes hot on the heels of Private Eye’s staunch front-cover defence of Rebekah Brooks, but was overshadowed by Chris Morris’ surprise announcement that he is moving to the United States to become the lead anchor for Fox News Channel.

“It’s not about the money,” insisted Nev loftily, “Although I wouldn’t put it entirely beyond the theoretical bounds of possibility that I might find some small use for it.”

Whine About This, Holmes, You Sexless Empty-Headed Jowly Cry-Baby

Talentless, simpering, dough-faced TV gutbucket Eamonn Holmes is probably in tears as he reads this unnecessarily spiteful and deeply personal attack, said the Nev Filter today.

The satirical website made its unwarranted slurs in response to the insipid suit-bursting nobody’s complaint to the BBC about a sketch on Jon Culshaw’s The Impressions Show, in which the boring breakfast TV and Sky News parasite was depicted eating a sofa, a jockey and a vase of flowers.

Inviting the nonsensically egotistic lardarse to do his worst, the Nev Filter expresses the opinion that it is sadly typical of the spineless drones who now infest BBC management suites to roll over and apologise for the cardinal sin of making a joke in a comedy programme.

“Come on, fatboy, do your worst - because I’m not retracting a single word,” Nev is quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the only reason you’re taking up sofa space on our screens is because your wife Ruth Langsford - whom producers mistakenly believe has some sort of MILF appeal – doesn’t dare leave you alone for five minutes in a house with a freezer full of bacon and oven chips.”

Media commentators agree that cannibal piggy Holmes will have to take his place in a long line of outraged self-important nonentities with a grievance against the Nev Filter.

“To give just one tragic example, national treasure Stephen Fry hasn’t stopped sobbing his lovably baggy eyes out after being taken to task for caring more about his collection of Apple toys than Chinese workers’ rights by some fat beardy internet troll in Plymouth,” says a BBC spokesman. “Shit.”

“On behalf of the BBC, I hereby offer an unequivocal grovelling apology to Nev for the outrageous and unjustified slur I’ve just made,” he adds.

Nev Filter To Charge For Feeble News-Based Satire

Unpopular current affairs-based satirical blog The Nev Filter is to charge internet users for the privilege of shrugging their shoulders at its intemperate rants, announced proprietor Neville Shite today.

"Frankly, I'm sick of busting my considerable gut scouring the world's headlines for a piss-taking angle every day - or whenever I can be arsed - and getting sod-all in return, other than a hollow feeling of having ineffectually vented my spleen," he told himself over a cup of coffee this morning. "If the John Thomas Press can charge readers for the dubious privilege of checking the whippet-racing results on the Whitby Gazette website, I reckon I should be able to get away with demanding a quid for each painstakingly-researched diatribe."

"Readers will be directed to a completely bona fide payment site based in Ukraine," he explained, "Which will invite them to submit their credit card details, and offer them genuine penis-enlargement sweets on a daily basis."

The media mongrel then went on to say that the charges would be applied retrospectively for articles already read.

"I reckon you all owe me about £500 each," Nev told his readers. "Come on, cough up. I fancy some flying lessons."

Elected Representatives Resign En Masse Over Petty, Small-Minded Blog Attacks

Britain faces an unprecedented constitutional crisis today, with all 630 MPs resigning their seats after finding out that The Nev Filter has been saying some things about them that were not really very nice at all.

The shock walkout from the House of Commons comes only hours after eleven members of the 15-strong Somerton Town Council quit in protest at being called "jackasses" and "clown councillors" by Somerset blogger Niall Connolly.

"This nasty Nev person seems to take a warped, perverse delight in portraying me as a sad, isolated authoritarian with no friends, no ideas and no hope," sobbed ex-PM Gordon Brown as he trudged out of London with a few possessions tied up in a knotted handkerchief. "Well, I'm going back to Scotland, where I shall be taking a boat and rowing to an uninhabited island in the middle of nowhere to live out my remaining days in complete isolation from the human race. I just hope he's proud of himself."

"I don't know how people like him can sleep at night," he added forlornly.

David Cameron, the former leader of the Conservative Party, echoed his one-time opponent's sentiments.

"All I have ever sought is to humbly serve the people of this nation," he wailed, as his chauffeur attempted to loop a length of rope around a lamp-post on Westminster Bridge. "I appreciate that there has always been a cruel streak in the British people, who seem to revel in building people up to knock them down - but The Nev Filter's repeated suggestions that I am some kind of sheltered, cynical opportunist next to whom Margaret Thatcher would look like Mother Theresa is more than I can bear. As soon as my man here has tied the noose, it's goodbye cruel Nev."

The former leaders' dismay was echoed throughout the parliamentary parties, with upset ex-MPs booking one-way tickets to remote destinations well off the beaten track, entering monasteries or simply leaping from suspension bridges with breeze-blocks chained to their ankles.

The unexpected power vacuum was fortuitously filled by the Youth Parliament, who happened to be holding an important debate about the latest version of Grand Theft Auto in the House of Commons' Debating Chamber. They were swiftly sworn in as the acting government of the United Kingdom by outgoing speaker John Bercow, who then stepped down and shot himself.

Asked it he was pleased with the unexpected effect of his constant online sniping, Nev told reporters that he was very sorry that the affairs of state were now in the hands of a bunch of 11-18-year-olds.

"Frankly, I'd trust a bunch of under-10s more," he said. "But it's a step in the right direction."

News and Satire: An Apology From the Nev Filter

In the light of yesterday's embarrassed announcement by two leading newspapers in Bangladesh that they ran a news story about faked moon landings without realising that their sole source for the story, www.theonion.com, was a world-renowned satirical website that has been making up comedy news-based stories for 13 years, the Nev Filter has conducted an urgent review of its own journalistic procedures.

It is with considerable shame that I now confess to having been less than rigorous in my own daily reporting of the newsworthy events.

Some of the Nev Filter's ground-breaking reports, it now transpires, were based on nothing more substantial than an item posted on my Yahoo homepage from the notorious Sky News comedy website, a notorious source of fiction and fantasy run by James Murdoch, a well-known comedian.

Such rudimentary attempts at corroboration as were occasionally essayed by the writer involved nothing more than a quick scan through the corresponding page from BBC News - a discredited organisation of jokers which is utterly compromised by its total control by the UK Ministry of Propaganda, according to an unimpeachable source (J. Murdoch).

The Nev Filter can only apologise profusely to the readers it so shamefully misled, and from now on will only publish 100%-accurate news stories corroborated by reliable sources which are owned by such reputable paragons of truth as the Daily Mail & General Trust, Express Newspapers and Mr Murdoch's utterly trustworthy News Corporation.

Everyone But Us Honoured

You and I are the only people not to be honoured by Gordon Brown - in a desperate attempt to buy himself some friends - in the Queen's Birthday Honours List, published yesterday.

You missed out on a meaningless medal because I didn't nominate you, and I missed out because apparently it's considered "bad form" to nominate oneself.

And you sure as hell didn't nominate me.

"I am, naturally, moved to tears by the knighting of Christopher Lee's pointy teeth," I told myself in an exclusive interview with the Nev Filter. "And I'm sure Delia Smith richly deserves her CBE for telling us all how to boil an egg. But I can't help thinking that, although it is the satirists who alone keep this country from erupting into mass civil strife by providing a much-needed safety valve to diffuse the towering resentment of the disenfranchised masses, yet again I have been completely overlooked by the humourless establishment drones who really run this fatuous charade."

"I blame my readers," I continued bitterly. "If just one of the literally 141 people who claim to read my blog occasionally had written to the Prime Minister singing my praises, I'd almost certainly be on the train to Buckingham Palace right now, wearing my best trilby, ready to give the Queen the benefit of my well-informed opinions. Well it's their loss, not mine. If they think I'm going to remember them next time round, they can forget it, the ungrateful bastards."

"Go on, what about an MBE?" I added hopefully. "There must be a spare one lying about somewhere."

The Nev Filter Expense-Claim Confession in Full

Some MPs have rightly suggested that, as far as expense claims are concerned, various prominent media figures may have some skeletons in their closets.

In a spirit of openness (and before somebody sells my entire unaudited life to the Daily Telegraph) I would therefore like to abase myself before the altar of public opinion and confess all of my freebie-related sins.

1. I hereby confess that I blagged seven years of private school fees out of the council by sneakily taking the 11+ at the age of ten, just catching the tail-end of the Direct Grant scheme which I would otherwise have missed.

2. I hereby confess that by pretending to be vaguely interested in a military career at the age of 14, I cynically deceived the RAF into flying me - at taxpayers' expense - both from and back to the optimistically-named Plymouth Airport on several occasions, in a state-of-the-art Chipmunk T10 trainer.

3. I hereby confess that in 1987 I was treated to a night in a German-friendly hotel in London's fashionable Victoria by my employers, Virgin Retail Ltd, who hoped thereby to persuade me that there was some sort of hitherto-untapped market in Plymouth for Hammerite-sprayed alarm clocks at £25 a throw.

4. I hereby confess to availing myself of a free trip to BT's computing centre at Exeter's exclusive Sowton Industrial Estate, in order to hear a man in glasses tell me an amusing story concerning a work-experience girl who sat on a Winchester drive.

5. I hereby confess to obtaining two free visits to NUS Annual Conference in 1996 and 1997, by convincing a hundred or so students that I might, in some unspecified manner, be able to influence decisions that could conceivably affect them. I then spent my time shamelessly getting through several reams of SU-funded A4 for a satirical newsletter, cynically bypassing the rather long-winded democratic process by means of a popular and effective publicity stunt.

6. I hereby confess that in 2001 I made maximum use of the one free ticket I ever got for meeting my targets at National Rail Enquiries by travelling to London and back at peak times just for the hell of it, even though it meant wedging myself into a corner of the buffet car between Paddington and Reading due to overcrowding.

Whilst all of the above claims were made in full compliance with the relevant rules, I appreciate that my readers may have reached the reasonable - but entirely wrong - conclusion that I am interested solely in lining my own pockets at their expense; am in some way analagous to a gentleman of the stone-throwing persuasion whose transparent home is inappropriately fragile for such activities; and, furthermore, that I am a very dark container used in the brewing of tea.

I can only beg your forgiveness until such time as you have all lost interest in the matter.

You Read It Here First

Sensitive government e-mails are tumbling into the blogosphere, according to claims made in the Nev Filter blog, following a red-faced apology from 10 Downing Street after an email from Gordon Brown's former press officer - proposing a slur campaign against senior Conservatives - found its way into the hands of Paul Staines, the writer of the Guido Fawkes political blog.

"I can confirm that the Nev Filter has come into possession of an email circulated by Gordon Brown to Britain's senior police officers," said Nev today. "It suggests that Gordon is more than a little pissed off with the media banging on about the recession day in, day out and drops heavy hints to the effect that, what with the budget coming up in a few weeks and the papers screaming about reducing public expenditure, if they want to hang on to their funding they'd better pull their heads out of their arses and come up with a few major terrorist scares for the front pages, pronto."

"I've also heard that the Daily Fortnight has a copy of a crudely-designed Flash game in which Boris Johnson runs around trying to impregnate every woman he meets, leaving blonde babies littered around the neighbourhood," added the obscure online ranter. "And it seems to have been created by none other than Lord Mandelson."

The online satirist said he also had it on good authority that The Daily Mash blog had got hold of an email from Number Ten containing a digital image of David Cameron, which had been crudely modified in Paint Shop Pro.

"Unless, of course, he normally sports a top hat bearing the message 'Posh twat - kick me hard' as he cycles to the House of Commons," he added.

Traditional journalists are said to be deeply concerned at the emerging trend of sensitive documents being leaked to underground bloggers.

"These people operate on the fringes of the media world, without the financial backing of a large corporate to pay them handsome bonuses for obligingly receiving leaked information from departmental moles," complained one tabloid hack. "I don't like the look of this at all."