Useless Bank Crisis Could Have Been Averted By Throwing Money At Britain’s Other Useless Bank, Says Financial Wizard

Mr Pants is lining up a new position for himself

“The clear and obvious solution to the collapse of Northern Rock was to flush an eye-watering loan down that other shining example of banking prudence, Lloyds TSB,” explained the incredible glowing brain of Hector Pants, as he prepares for his awe-inspiring jump off the top of the Financial Services Authority. “That would have given Lloyds the wherewithal to complement their own shrewd investments by buying Northern Rock, thereby combining two outstanding portfolios into one. Bingo! Crisis averted.”

In his farewell message to the cruel world, Mr Pants complains that Mervyn King - “that petty-minded little jumped-up cashier at the Bank of England” - just coughed nervously at his flash of brilliance, while “so-called chancellor of the exchequer” Alistair Darling merely glanced at his watch and claimed to be late for an important haggis-eating contest with his boss.

The City of London’s emergency services will be standing by later this month with shovels and buckets, after the high-flying genius rejected their advice against leaping out of the FSA wearing a 2-tonne solid gold parachute of his own design.