That Idyllic Rural Olympic Opening Ceremony In Full

1. Lord Coe is discovered lying face-down among the hydrangeas, with a knife in his back.

2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.

Celebrating the timeless tranquility of the British countryside

3. Inspector of ceremonies descends in huge Volvo-sponsored balloon.

4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.

5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.

6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.

7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.

8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.

9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.

10. Pub.