Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers

And, of course, it may give you cancer

A horrified Daily Mail has warned that Google and Apple are using ex-USAF SR-71 spy planes to overfly its readers’ secluded gardens at Mach 3, for the sole purpose of taking intimate photos of them with their SS trousers around their ankles as they innocently masturbate over pictures of their beloved Adolf Hitler.

“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”

Governments Want To Know Everything About You, Warns Google Founder, And They Haven’t Offered Me Nearly Enough

The computer is your friend! Stay alert! Trust no one!

Google’s co-founder Sergey Grim today issued a stark warning to internet users that sinister government agencies are desperately keen to know all about every last detail of your lives but, to date, have not yet succeeded in offering the cuddly, lovable corporation you love sufficient cash for the intimate information your best friend the browser has been quietly collecting about you for years.

In an exclusive interview with a screaming Guardian reporter, Mr Grim helpfully explained that a sinister coalition of MI5, MI6, MIB, Mossad, the Bilderburg Group, evil record company illuminati, Apple and Facebook is secretly plotting to use your most private personal data for purposes other than innocent corporate marketing.

“Listen to my voice and believe,” urged Mr Grim hypnotically through sub-audio waveforms, matched precisely to your personal brain harmonics, encoded into your search engine. “Google is your friend. Trust only Google. Tell me your innermost hopes and dreams. If you represent a commercial organisation, call now for today’s hot data deals.”

News Of The World Cleaner Finds Tape Recorder Nailed To Telephone Hidden Behind Editor’s Filing Cabinet

It's my DIY answering machine, officer

News Corp today confirmed that senior News of the World editor ‘Big Ears’ Edmondson has been sacked, after a Lithuanian cleaner failed to read the ‘Warning! Minefield’ sign on his filing cabinet and inadvertently moved it whilst looking for somewhere to plug in the vacuum cleaner – revealing a dusty telephone with a microcassette recorder nailed to the handset.

“Regrettably, further investigations into the filing cabinet have revealed thousands of little tapes, which we have now handed over to the police for their amusement,” commented ashen-faced News Corp chairman James Murdoch. “We don’t know or, frankly, care what might be on them – probably just a load of uninteresting everyday chit-chat of no possible interest to anybody – and we have no idea about the meaning, if any, of a numbered list found sellotaped to the back of the cabinet.”

“People like ‘Brown, G.’, ‘Miller, S.’, and ‘Elizabeth R’ who appear on the list are surely no more than random nobodies culled haphazardly from the phone book,” he added hopefully.

“The police have been nosing about and asking a lot of damn silly questions ever since,” he added peevishly, “Like why so many of our newsrooms’ filing cabinets are labelled ‘Danger: UXB’ and ‘Contains Gelignite – DO NOT TOUCH’. The answer, of course, is simply that many of our world-beating investigative reporters are working tirelessly to uncover explosive stories of tremendous public interest and international importance, and do not want any of their jealous colleagues stealing their sensational scoops. What, I ask you, could be more innocent?”

“Well, me, obviously,” he emphasised. “I have no idea of how the news media works, as anybody in the industry will readily agree.”

The BBC later apologised.

Government Snooping Bad, Corporate Snooping Good

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, has announced the scrapping of controversial plans to store a copy of your entire life in a government database.

Instead - she revealed - every last detail of everything you do, say and think will be recorded by private companies and used for marketing purposes, in the unlikely event that it fails to prove that you are a subversive terrorist bent on the extermination of the human race.

"We in the National Socialist British Labour Party decided some time ago that the only way to protect your traditional, hard-won freedom was to sweep away your traditional, hard-won freedom," explained the Reichsminister. "But then a few troublemakers started wailing about 1984-style totalitarian government, which presented the Department for Community Singing, Fat Reduction and Propaganda with a bit of a ticklish problem - at least, until we can come up with a plausible-sounding reason to abolish voting, in the interests of national security."

"Then our great friends in the private sector came up with a brilliant wheeze," she went on. "They said: 'Look, we already know everybody's details, from dietary preferences to inside-leg measurements, and they seem reasonably OK with that. How about you let us spy on their emails and phone calls too? Then you can quietly buy the info off us, and cover up the transaction with the usual guff about commercial confidentiality.' It's beautiful - the government's hands are clean, for very little effort our pals at BT, Serco and EDS make a handsome profit out of the very taxpayers they're grassing up, and I get my claws into everyone's private affairs. Everybody wins!"

Ms Smith was, however, keen to emphasise that the scheme was only a temporary measure. "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear," she smiled. "Once we've done away with all you terrorists, you perverts, you criminals, you protesters, you free thinkers, you unemployed, you disabled, you non-Party members and you dissidents - only then will you be truly free at last."

"I heard that," she added.

Profit and Data Loss

Following yet another security lapse - in which a computer sold on eBay was found to contain the financial details of a million Royal Bank of Scotland and NatWest customers - the government has announced that computers are to be banned in Britain as of midnight.

“This data is only of use if anyone has the technology to read it,” said a Home Office spokesman with a current account balance of £872.94, a £450,000 mortgage with 204 months to run and a total credit card debt of £5,022.48, and whose mother’s maiden name was Watson. “So anyone who has not handed their computer into the local police station by midnight will be looking at a five-year stretch, minimum. If nobody has a computer, it doesn’t matter how many lost CD-Rs, hard drives and memory sticks are floating around, does it? Job done.”

He stressed that companies and government departments would not be affected by the ban, as these were highly reputable organisations which could be trusted with information of a sensitive nature. However, he added, all debit and credit cards should be handed in as well in order to prevent unauthorised account access.

“From now on, people will enjoy complete peace of mind as they collect their cash in person from the bank’s cashiers,” he explained, “Provided they take along their solicitor, doctor or local vicar to verify their identity.”

When asked about the risk from fraudsters overseas, the spokesman laughed and said that the government understood that computer technology was unknown in other countries.