Bishop Of London Appalled Yet Strangely Fascinated By The Jeremy Kyle Show

The Rt Rev Richard Chartreuse, the Bishop of London, has launched a devastating critique of Britain’s moral collapse, after religiously watching The Jeremy Kyle Show ever since its first outbreak in 2005.

“As we celebrate the Jubilee of our justly popular monarch, we have an opportunity to ask some wider questions in the spirit of Jubilee, to pause, look back and ask where we are as a nation, and where we are going,” the prominent churchman writes in a Bible Society pamphlet which he has faithfully posted to every MP and the Daily Mail. “Down the blooming khazi, I reckon.”

“Promiscuity, separation and divorce have reached epidemic proportions in our society, where it is now considered quite the done thing to impregnate your sister-in-law whilst stealing money from the baby you swear isn’t yours in order to support your drug addiction, then blame everything on your alcoholic mother,” he explained, adding: “One simply never heard of such things 60 years ago, when the Queen ascended to the throne and I was 4.”

The C of E bishop went on to suggest that the Jubilee could be used to “focus on hope” and “reset” the nation like a big wonky computer.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all

“Lacking any credible narrative as I am, what Britain desperately needs is a Lizzie & Phil Show,” he opined gravely. “I’m sure Prince Philip would jump at the chance to drown out his wife’s subjects by reminding them whose names are on the wall before abruptly ordering them out of his sight, directing them to a circular antechamber in which Her Majesty would kindly offer them her expert guidance based on 86 years of automatic moral superiority.”

When reminded of the exemplary relationships of Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew, Dr Chartreuse turned and said: “Coming up: Jesus tells a feckless waster who has never done a proper day’s work in his life to stop sitting on his fat arse all day long in front of the telly, and go and do something useful for once.”

He then solemnly held up a placard extolling the irrestistible simplicity of online bingo, and regretted that he was right out of time, quite out of touch and might be from outer space.