Et In Suburbia Ego

Dummies Barred From Politics: Westminster Empty

Exhibit A, Your Honour

The arrest of an Aberdeen woman under the Representation Of The People Act, for the crime of entering her shop window dummy as a local election candidate, has left Britain in an unprecedented power vacuum after Scotland Yard raided the House of Commons.

The discovery, by Grampian Police, that a dummy cannot legally stand for election under UK law left the wind whistling through the deserted corridors of the Palace of Westminster, as the nation’s 650 MPs were unceremoniously flung into skips and carted off to Madame Tussauds to be melted down.

“There’s a bit of a debate going on about the exact legal status of the unelected dummies in the House of Lords, as many of them were placed there by the illegally-elected dummies,” admitted a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police. “As you might imagine, though, it’s indescribably tedious and nobody from our legal team has yet managed to stay awake.”

Guardian Readers Strangely Muted On Travesty Of Justice Involving Tragic Rich Rioter

Laura Johnson, the millionaire’s daughter convicted today of taking part in last summer’s riots, is reported to be mystified by the ongoing lack of outraged protest on her behalf from Britain’s sympathetic left-wingers.

The rioter even Alan Rusbridger can't defend

“Laura’s future hopes have been cruelly consigned to the scrapheap by this uncaring government,” pointed out no-one at all. “Nobody with a wanky humanities degree from Exeter has a hope in hell of ever getting a job. Employers know it’s a worthless piece of paper which only proves that daddy couldn’t swing her a place at Oxford or Cambridge.”

“Instead of brutally throwing the full force of the law against this poor bewildered mentalist simply for taking her mates for a spin, we should all be asking ourselves how each and every one of us selfishly inflicted depression on her by not making her life perfect in every concievable way,” added nobody else.

Hand-wringing sociologists believe the automatic lefty exoneration which has been universally claimed for every other rioter may, in Laura’s case, have evaporated when the court revealed that she had, unpardonably, acquired a packet of evil fags with the undeniable intention of poisoning a groovy liberal child with her toxic second-hand smoke.

Country-Blocking Twitter Development Poses No Threat To Freedom Of Stuff, Say Online Paragons

This living saint says it's OK

Millions of grass-roots defenders of free stuff swiftly put down their trusty keyboards yesterday to mount a viral campaign of complete silence, after Twitter unveiled a way of blocking all messages from entire countries which has absolutely no impact on the basic human right to steal other people’s stuff.

“,” declared staunch free-stuff supporters Anonymous, summing up the concerns of ethical campaigners across the globe, as they deployed hard-hitting distributed denial-of-service attacks on no multinational corporations or government agencies in response to the uncontroversial move from Twitter which – although allowing oppressive governments to silence citizens’ protests with just one simple email – will preserve their fundamental freedom to help themselves to copyright material.

“We believe the new, more granular approach to withheld content is a good thing for freedom of expression,” a Twitter spokesman lied through his teeth. “If you think you have a problem with the logic of that sentence, please stop worrying about it right now and concentrate on the awful fate of Megaupload instead.”

Metropolitan Police Looking Forward To Pot-A-Trot Week

Police will be inviting students to give them an excuse

London’s finest are said to be eagerly anticipating the long-awaited return of Pot-a-Trot Week, following the announcement that they will be issued with baton rounds for Wednesday’s student jamboree against tuition fees, cuts, inequality and other things that don’t concern them.

“We haven’t been able to give the public what for like this since the General Strike of 1926, so called because police officers were generally free to strike anyone who looked at them in a socialist manner,” commented a gleeful Commander Simon Pounding, in charge of the operation. “Happy days.”

“Pot-a-Trot week is about charity, looking out for people, being smartly dressed and giving a sporting something back to the community,” he added. “And when my lads see anyone sporting a silly haircut or dressed like an explosion in a charity shop, they’re all looking forward to giving them what for. And that’s going to smart.”

Yawning Miliband Emerges From Giant Teapot, Reads Headlines For First Time In Weeks

Do not disturb until April

Labour leader Miliband Two has woken up from a three-week nap inside his favourite teapot and noticed some sort of protest going on, he announced sleepily this morning.

“I don’t know quite what all this fuss is about,” he yawned, rubbing his eyes with his little paws, “Are they upset about the noise from church bells? They wake me up sometimes.”

When informed that the St Paul’s protest had something to do with rising popular anti-capitalism sentiments, Mr Miliband declared that he was sure he was probably on their side before disappearing back inside his teapot to hibernate for the next six months.

Meanwhile, former Lazards Investment Bank chairman Ken Costa, who now promotes the evangelical Alpha Course brainwashing programme, told the Sunday Telegraph that the finance industry had somehow lost sight of the need to do good – which, he insisted, used to be the sole factor motivating investors back in the day when he was running things according to God’s plan.

“I urge everyone in the City to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour,” he suggested. “Go on, give each other a big, loving hug and tell your clients the good news that Jesus will sort it all out.”

Nev Filter Hastily Sealing Letterbox Before Inviting Prophet Mohammed To Make Tea

Your support is appreciated

Satirical newsblog The Nev Filter is expected to announce that it will be inviting the Prophet Mohammed to be the office teaboy, shortly after its editor has finished spraying mastic around the flap of his letterbox.

Peering anxiously through the spyhole in his front door, the editor – who is also the Nev Filter’s sole writer, designer and woefully-underachieving publicist – explained to himself that his controversial decision was being made in solidarity with French satirical magazine Charlie Abominable, whose offices were destroyed today by a petrol bomb after it told its readers that the venerated founder of Islam would be its next guest editor.

“Obviously, I can’t give a production task to somebody who died 1,389 years ago, even if he is the chosen agent of divine action,” explained Nev, as he climbed into a pair of asbestos trousers. “But I think making the tea should be well within the Prophet’s divinely-inspired capabilities, since I only drink coffee.”

"Please don't kill me," he added.

Flagrant Scroungers Prove There’s Absolutely Nothing The Matter With Them

That's your hard-earned cash they blew on that banner

Hundreds of thousands of shameless spongers are openly flaunting themselves in public today, blatantly demonstrating for all the world to see that there’s bugger-all wrong with them that a well-earned kick in the wallet won’t cure.

“Look at these cocky bastards all strolling down the street, fit as you please, just like you or me,” seethed a typical caring member of the public, in whose little world ‘disability’ means a plucky war hero hopping a marathon. “Okay, so a few of them look a bit twitchy – well, if they’d only pack up their constant drip about how hard done by they think they are and pull themselves together, I bet they’d be fitter than I am. Excuse me while I dispense a healing slap or two.”

Another sympathetic bystander pointed out, quite reasonably, that the chap in a motorised wheelchair was perfectly capable of earning his keep towing a small trailer.

We Are The Only News, Insist Cathedral Campers

Anti-capitalism protesters camping outside St Paul’s Cathedral today pointed to blatant coverage of other events as incontrovertible evidence of an establishment cover-up at the highest levels of the corrupt BBC.

Surely the forces of reaction can't take much more of this

“We are single-handedly saving the fucking planet here, and all the Bilderberg lackeys of the BBC are telling the sheeple is that we got in the way of some toffs’ wedding,” wailed one angry soap dodger in a 'V' mask. “Meanwhile, they’re slavishly serving the secret agenda by pumping out non-stop neocon lies about the Great Libyan Oil Theft, Hitler’s Zionist-backed European Union and the demise of the evil Edmundo Ros, who viciously distracted millions of brainwashed your nan and grandad from the vital task of overthrowing the capitalist nightmare with his evil cha-cha arrangements.”

“So everybody shut the fuck up and pay attention to us,” he added. “It’s you we’re doing this for, you ignorant bastards, because we are the only people in Fascist Britain who give a shit about you. Now get up off your fat fucking arses and smash the system. Oi, vicar! Make yourself useful - pop over to Starbucks and get us a skinny macchiato, you middle-class God-bothering creep.”

When asked in what way the public could best smash the system, and what it should be replaced with, he pointed out that I am a smug capitalist bastard and asked how much MI5 are paying me.

Dale Farm A Peaceful Grassroots Protest Against City Greed, Claim Punchy Residents

Gypsies at Dale Farm told eager TV crews that their campsite is in fact a spontaneous anti-capitalist protest against corporate fat cats, as they enthusiastically swung scaffolding pipes at riot police who were trying to gain entry to the site.

Peaceful campers sharing the love

“We have a legitimate grievance against greedy bankers,” insisted a demonstrator, as he stamped peacefully on a policeman’s head. “See that? Police brutality.”

Away from the pitched battles, which are being transmitted live on TV and in betting shops, other Dale Farm demonstrators are hastily drawing up an alternative manifesto in which they claim that the global economic crisis was caused by Basildon Council’s planning department.

"We're here because we want an equal distribution of wealth, we want minorities - i.e. us - to have a voice, we want the corrupt planning system to be changed," explained a pikey with a brick. “We’re not moving until the entire capitalist planning system comes tumbling down, to be replaced by a fairer distribution of the world’s wealth, resources and land, mainly in our direction.”

“And if it ever happens,” he added, generously redistributing his brick into the police line, “We still ain’t moving.”

Shamed Financiers Vow To Be Lovely To Each And Every One Of Us From Now On

As protesters movingly took to the streets of the world’s leading financial centres today, hordes of sobbing money men have been emerging from their corporate towers of glass and steel - begging on their knees for forgiveness, and a chance to put right all of the harm they have selfishly caused to the human race and our suffering planet.

“Mother Gaia, have mercy on my tormented soul,” wailed the head of an international investment bank, tearing off his designer shirt and beating his breast in anguish and remorse. “No more shall the tentacles of my evil global empire subjugate the tribes of the earth. This hippy occupation of the City has truly opened my eyes, and from now on I shall devote my life to distributing its ill-gotten wealth among sustainable local tie-dying operations. Now I beg the joyful face-painting druids of Glastonbury Tor to come forth from this sea of inspirational placards, and paint me humble.”

Job done, chaps - you can all go home now

“I have laid my last disfiguring oil pipeline across the ravaged face of our beautiful planet,” vowed the contrite CEO of a multinational energy exploiter. “Even as I speak, my reformed underlings are dismantling the hated machinery of distribution. From now on, resources will benefit only those in whose sacred ground they are to be found.”

“Pretty soon, I can tell you, there are going to be an awful lot of Eskimos racing round the Alaskan tundra in Range Rovers,” he wept joyfully, as a fellow convert sent word to his Kenyan subsidiary that, from now on, its African workforce would be permitted to gorge themselves every day on coffee beans. “Now, is there a groovy chick here who would like to barter me some henna in exchange for my pointless gold cufflinks? I’ve always harboured a secret yearning for a magnificent mane of bright red dreadlocks.”

Meanwhile, all over the world’s oceans, the crews of tankers, bulk carriers and containers ships were taking to the lifeboats, as instructed by their reformed shipowners, and learning to fish for only their own immediate needs after opening the sea cocks on the hated vessels which have senselessly squandered the world’s dwindling oil supplies hauling goods needlessly from continent to continent.

“Of course, without international trade there will be a billion or so deaths over the course of the next few months,” smiled Bank of England governor Mervyn King, sporting a splendid new set of tribal tattoos on his eyelids as he danced ecstatically around a bonfire of now-obsolete futures and share certificates. “But I know they will pass into the next world happy in the knowledge that the good earth will be fertilised by their cast-off mortal shells, ensuring a fantastic crop of turnips for the survivors to venerate.”

We Are Going To Tear Your Face Off, Warn Police

Fire up the Quattro

The Metropolitan police today issued a “robust” warning to the people of London, promising that anybody found out of doors and not wearing red, white and blue and a beatific expression on Friday will have their face torn off.

“Just don’t, OK?” advised Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson, as he showed the press the brutal spinning flail that will be attached to all police vehicles in time for the royal wedding. “I won’t tell you again.”

With a chilling bellow of rage, Mr Jong-Stephenson then pushed a Fortnum & Mason protester into the vicious flail. The results were too horrifying to describe; suffice to say that one of the force’s dogs will certainly be enjoying a nice big bowl of mincemeat for dinner tonight.

“Traditionally, a royal wedding is always the occasion for a spontaneous public outpouring of joyful national pride,” he added with a snarl. “Keep it that way, or else.”

Police To Respond To Calls For More Imaginative Demo Tactics With New Mystery Technique

As an expected 100,000 people converge on London for the TUC’s march against spending cuts, the Metropolitan Police promised that they had taken on board criticism from parliament’s Joint Human Rights Committee over the controversial ‘kettling’ tactic, and would be deploying an imaginative new crowd management system instead.

Whatever can it mean?

“The force fully appreciates the MPs’ well-meaning but typically wet concerns that kettling a large mass of lawful protesters for hours in a confined space inevitably leads to heightened stress, agitation and anger, which greatly increases the likelihood of violent behaviour,” said Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson at this morning’s press briefing. “In fact, many of my lads look forward to letting off steam in this way. But since it looks like we’ve been rumbled, let me take this opportunity to assure the House that, as part of our policy of constantly reviewing dodgy procedures, we shall not be deploying this unpopular tactic against the marchers today.”

“However, lest 100,000 rabid trots get it into their heads that we’re somehow going to stand idly by and let the revolution kick off with a chirpy ‘Mind how you go now, sir’, perhaps I ought to point out that our Tactical Development Unit, DCI Strangelove, has devised a top-secret new tactic – codenamed ‘Boiling’ – which they’re not going to like any better,” he smiled grimly.

When asked for details of the mystery tactic, the commissioner repeatedly replied with an enigmatic, “No comment.” After several minutes, however, he finally dropped a hint to reporters, pointing out the one important question that really mattered.

“Will it hurt?” he said. “Yes, a lot. Now bugger off, before I detain you all for unlawful assembly.”

Deaf Clegg Scorns Marchers’ Lack Of Alternative Suggestions

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg today scoffed at protesters who will be marching against the coalition government’s austerity measures, demanding to know what policies they would suggest in place of the swingeing cuts and penalisation of the poor, the sick and the disabled which he and prime minister David Cameron are implementing.

Ignoring cries of “Fuck the rich!” he laughingly pointed out that the opposition movement had absolutely no options on offer.

Mr Clegg would really love to hear some fresh ideas

Putting a pair of earbuds in, Mr Clegg reiterated his point that there was no alternative to the coalition’s wholesale axing of public services. As shouts of “Fuck the rich!” reverberated again around Westminster, he calmly placed a large pair of ear defenders on his head and challenged anybody to suggest a different policy.

As repeated chants of “Fuck the rich!” rose in volume, the LibDem leader calmly picked up a jackhammer and began to bounce around Westminster Green, pointing out that he would gladly back any workable alternative to destroying the infrastructure of the nation and making the lives of millions intolerable, if only the protesters could suggest a viable and fair policy that penalised those who had caused the crisis in the first place.

As passing motorists enthusiastically took up the call to fuck the rich, a blissfully oblivious Mr Clegg bounced straight into the path of an oncoming bus and was swiftly carried off to hospital, where expert medical staff say they will work round-the-clock to shout “Fuck the rich!” into his ear, in the faint hope that his comatose conscience might one day wake up.

Saudi Forces Finally Find A Use For All The Arms We Sold Them

Once the ammo has been fired, an M1A1 can stow up to 1600kg of duty-free goods

As they pour into neighbouring Bahrain, the armed forces of Saudi Arabia report that they are eagerly looking forward to finally getting some use out of the massive stockpiles of hi-tech weaponry they have been buying from Britain and America for decades.

“Lately we’ve been trying them out on our own minorities, which is nice,” smiled one Saudi brigadier-general, “But you just don’t get the same kick out of it compared to the thrill of massacring unarmed foreigners.”

The only country in the world to be named after its owners sent the troops in after receiving a request from Bahrain’s Sunni-dominated government, when the latter realised they hadn’t bought nearly enough British and American killing machinery to exterminate their protesting Shia population.

Meanwhile, the Saudis continued to call for the West to enforce a no-fly zone in Libya.

“Ideally, of course, we’d do it ourselves with all the lovely Tornadoes that British Aerospace kindly sold us, after they’d given us a big enough bribe,” said King Abdullah’s fourth son’s second wife’s nephew twice removed, who is therefore the minister of something. “They’ll be retiring once we’ve uncrated the new Typhoons you’ve just sold us, and it would be nice to see them win their spurs before they’re scrapped.”

“The thing is, though, that Gaddafi is barmy enough to shoot back,” he added. “So it’s really much better that you shoulder the risk. Britain and America have a fine tradition of military funerals, you see, and we don’t.”

Jordanian and Yemeni Protests Fail To Make News Charts

Protesters in Jordan and Yemen are putting on a brave face after their failure to topple Egypt from its dominant position at the top of the news.

Surely somebody's visit must have been disrupted a bit

“We thought we had all the right ingredients to take the media by storm,” a disappointed Yemeni protester posted on his blog this morning, which he was deeply upset to find had not been blocked by the authorities. “Popular uprisings against remote, authoritarian governments of pocket-lining crooks seemed to be in this year. Tragically, however, we failed to take into account the vital fact that Westerners rarely, if ever, book holidays here.”

Meanwhile, a Jordanian rioter hopefully informed would-be tourists that the picturesque ruins of ancient Petra featured in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, and are really very nice at this time of year. The Jordanian embassy later confirmed that any holidaymakers wishing to book a last-minute visit to the carved-out city would almost certainly be advised not to travel to Jordan today or tomorrow, but next week was looking good.

Some protesters, however, are taking heart from one-hit-wonder Tunisia’s protest - which stormed to the top of the news last week, but has now been quickly forgotten by fickle editors – and hoping that the same fate will befall Egypt’s entry.

Strangely, the BBC later failed to apologise for focusing entirely on one Middle East protest and ignoring the rest.

Army Called Upon To Prop Up Unpopular NUS President

As ordinary workers joined forces with student protesters on the turbulent streets of London and Manchester, hated NUS president Aaron Porter desperately called on the army to protect him from his own people.

If this tyrant is toppled, everything will sort itself out

The angry protesters - who are complaining about intolerable fees, taxes, fuel prices, rising unemployment, the creeping privatisation of the NHS, the continuing cold weather, the baby-snatching storyline in EastEnders, the new Facebook profile and the sudden cancellation of their Egyptian winter breaks - say they are no longer interested in the meaningless nobodies in government, and will settle for nothing less than the overthrow of the NUS president himself.

“Porter has shown himself to be arrogant and out of touch with the very people he claims to represent,” shouted a downtrodden socialist worker, outside the burning police station in which the beleaguered president has sought refuge. “We, the ordinary revolutionary people of Britain, will not be diverted from our objective of relieving him of power until we come up with another diversion.”

The BBC later apologised.

Britain Carries On Watching Shite As World Revolution Begins

It's all right, Miranda's on in a minute

As country after country erupted in popular protest against its corrupt, self-serving political elites, the people of Britain farted apathetically, cracked open another tin of cooking lager and carried on watching telly.

“I dunt watch the nooze right coziss like rilly depressin?” yawned Shelley Peters, a soon-to-be-redundant housing benefit clerk, as several channels she wasn’t watching continued to show angry citizens in repressive states like Yemen, Egypt and Tunisia risking their lives and liberty to end decades of injustice. “Now yerv made me miss the start uv EastEnders? Piss orf wilya.”

Husband Mark, a call-centre slave, suddenly yelled, “Yurss! Fucken avet!” from the bedroom, as a thick millionaire wearing a shirt he likes kicked a ball in a particularly pleasing way.

“This country’s fucked innit,” he grumbled, scratching an irritating testicle as he lurched down the stairs to extract another container of hop-flavoured water from the fridge. “Why dunt sumbdy do sumfin ‘bout it ay? See them student wankuz a few weeks back kickin off rite? Buncha poncy middle-class bastuds the lot uv um. Speshly that gobby scrounger twat inna wheelchair. Thas my fucken taxes payin for that yeah? Good on them coppuz, givenum a right kicken. Servum right.”

“Wankuz,” he added as he stumped back upstairs to exercise his brain some more on Facebook about the unfortunate absence of his two favourite bigots from the airwaves.

The BBC later apologised.

Chav Tells Topshop Tax Protesters To Stop Eyeing Up Her Fanny

Midgets have been suffering for years

A sit-in organised by UK Uncut turned ugly at the Oxford Street branch of Topshop today, when customer Sammi-Jo Bloggs loudly accused protesters of looking up her front bottom.

“We are occupying the floor of Topshop’s flagship store to draw Christmas shoppers’ attention to the tax-avoidance strategies of Sir Philip Green and his Arcadia Group,” said a shocked spokesman for the group. “Not to cop an eyeful of Miss Bloggs’ hideously self-inflicted attempt at a Brazilian. If she wants to keep her spotty fadge from prying eyes, perhaps she could have put some knickers on. Especially since her idea of wrapping up warm for the sub-Arctic weather seems to involve a skimpy Santa outfit, a bra at least two sizes too small for her and nothing else but a pair of four-inch heels.”

“I’ve seen sights today that nobody should see sober,” he moaned. “After this, Philip Green’s offshore wife is the least of my worries. I’ll be waking up screaming for years to come.”

Paint A Tippex Willy On Your Debit Card, Urge Assange Cultists

The Man simply has no answer to this

'Ridiculous’ - the online worshippers of Leakiwiks hero Julian Assange - are extending their protest methods further into the analogue realm, calling on millions of Christmas shoppers to tippex a crudely-drawn dripping penis onto their debit and credit cards in a mass show of support for their outspoken paragon of virtue.

The group, which started its protest with denial-of-service attacks on PayPal, Visa, Mastercard, Amazon, Google, iTunes, YouTube, comparethemeerkat.com and XHamster, has recently spread its tactics beyond the virtual world and into the physical domain. Earlier this week, members stepped up the campaign by scanning their buttocks and sending the images to their targets’ fax machines.

“Earlier today, a nerdy man came up to the till with the latest edition of PC Gamer and a Lion Bar,” confirmed a manager at the Queensway branch of WH Smith in Stevenage. “Without any warning, he suddenly whipped out a debit card bearing a rather distasteful depiction of a john thomas and thrust it into the reader. Sue, who served him, thinks it was a Nationwide card, but she’s still in shock.”

“Before this happened, like many of my friends and colleagues I just thought this Assange character was completely up himself, really,” he reflected soberly. “But now this principled show of public solidarity has made me realise that he is, in fact, all that stands between us and the hegemony of the New World Order.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I must just pop over to the stationery section and keep a stick of Tippex back for myself before we run out,” he added. “I’ll be popping into Burger King on the way home, and I need to make my voice heard.”