Crowds Gather To Watch Stately Water-Bound Procession On A20

The British do this sort of thing better than anyone else

A throng of easily-impressed sightseers has assembled between Folkestone and Dover, eager to catch an unforgettable glimpse of the largest assembly of sea-going transport in 350 years - which is drifting majestically at a stately 3mph down the A20, hoping to escape the UK’s dismal Jubilee bank holiday forecast of non-stop pouring drivel.

“Look at this, Emma!” City worker Rob Blind impressed upon his sleepy four-month old daughter, from a vantage point on the Cauldham Lane bridge overlooking the slow-moving procession. “You’ll never see a sight like this again for as long as you live – ordinary people who can afford a holiday!”

The most impressive barge of the day undoubtedly belonged to Mr Wayne Prunt, who delighted the cheering crowds and his latest girlfriend by gunning his antique BMW 318 and sailing through a layby south of Church Wood at 60mph. As he floated serenely past with a tuneful blast on his airhorn, a dozen finger-waving participants saw red, bared their white teeth and turned the air blue.

“This is a profoundly moving sight,” commented a delighted spokesman for the Dover Harbour Board as, one by one, participating vehicles flowed at an almost imperceptible pace onto a waiting ferry. “But only just.”

Great Value Activity Holidays On Offer As Bolshevik Revolution Grips Europe

And it's educational, too

The pound in your pocket has never promised so much action-packed fun for your summer holidays, say uncharacteristically cheerful travel agents, as impoverished peasant mobs from France To Greece angrily dust off their rusty tumbrils and rebel against their hated leaders.

“As the eurozone collapses headlong into blood-red anarchy, sterling has finally found some residual value,” gushed the manager of a Thomas Cook in Ruislip. “If you can find someone to parachute you into Greece, right now you can sleep in a five-star hotel bed that’s been hauled out into the balmy streets of Athens for a makeshift barricade for as little as 50p a night. A Michelin-recommended dinner with a bottle of exquisite raki will cost as little as a pound, and then you can fill the empty bottle with petrol and hurl it at a policeman to round off the perfect romantic socialist evening.”

Meanwhile, in revolutionary France, cheap family adventure holidays guarantee fun the whole family can enjoy together, as you and your children are encouraged to hurl abuse and unfeasibly large cabbages at the evil capitalist Sarkozy and his overthrown lackeys before entering a prize draw for the rare opportunity to actually pull the string on the famous guillotine.

“And in Germany’s picturesque Schleswig-Holstein right now,” he added breathlessly, “You too can get a grandstand view with all the excitement of daredevil Angela Merkel tearing around in ever-decreasing circles. You can be there when the wheels finally fall off her reckless plans for Eurozone domination!”

Wills And Kate ‘Incredibly Whatever’ At Vast Outpouring Of Public Apathy

The royal couple have received intensive training in how to stifle yawns

On the eve of their wedding, Prince William and Kate Middleton have said how “incredibly whatever” they are by the deeply sincere indifference shown towards them by the public at large.

In the official wedding programme, released today, the royal couple write: “We are both utterly unconcerned whether anyone might actually be bothered to join us or not in celebrating what we reckon will be a pretty unspectacular day in our lives; after all, let’s face it, we’ve been shagging for years. The supreme indifference shown to us by the little people during our engagement has been yawn-inducingly tedious, and has touched us both deeply… not! Er… what else… oh, and we’ve been advised we might as well take this opportunity to say ‘Yeah, cheers big-ears’ to everyone most sincerely for their apathy. Quite frankly, though, we’ve only put that bit in to see if anybody can be arsed to read this far. If anyone thinks of Wills’ dad and laughs, we’ll be bloody amazed."

With crowds estimated to be as many as one deep in places, an estimated 500+ Sun and Mail readers who absolutely believe a flag makes them better than the rest of the world are expected to line the route to Westminster Abbey tomorrow, dressed up to the nines in what they tragically believe to be the height of fashion, in the futile hope that their neighbours will see them on the telly and turn green with envy.

The rest of Britain, meanwhile, will be solemnly marking the momentous royal occasion by having a day out at a theme park or by the seaside with their kids.

“I should think we’ll probably have a 99 each at some point – well, if it’s sunny,” was a typical view expressed by one of the royal family’s many humble subjects.

“If it’s raining, though, the TV will probably be tuned to the Cartoon Network all day,” he added, “And I don’t think they can draw fast enough to cover live events, thank Christ.”

May Bank Holiday To Be Replaced By Grim Wind-and-Rainfest

Saint experts now believe it was only a tiny dragon, or possibly a duck

The government today announced plans to formally abolish the generally rather pleasant May Day bank holiday, and replace it with either a religious holiday in rainswept April or an utterly meaningless – but equally howling and wet – day in October.

“The May Day bank holiday – a Stalinist ode to the global march of communism, ha ha – is now utterly irrelevant to the lives of the English and Welsh peoples,” said David Cameron. “It is typical of that tyrannical mass-murderer that he cynically chose a date frequently marked in the British Isles by the early appearance of sunshine. How much more appropriate, in the 21st century, to ditch this day of hate and replace it either with holy, damp and cold contemplation of the supposed victory of a soldier of the Ottoman Empire over an unfeasibly large fire-breathing iguana with wings – or, in Wales, of a geologically-active monk with a shoulder covered in pigeon droppings - or with a completely random but undoubtedly miserable day in October?”

“Not that it matters in the slightest,” he added, “Because either you’ll be forced to work through it, or you won’t notice it at all because you’re on the dole and your days blur into an never-ending vista of despair.”