Rest Of World Eagerly Anticipating Mass Suicide By Outraged iPhone Fanatics

Significant reductions in global smugness will result if, as expected, legions of insufferable iPhone addicts top themselves in despair at Apple’s decision to change the design of the connector which plugs the damned thing into the hideously overpriced but tinny speakers they bought instead of plugging a deeply unfashionable cable into the headphone output.

For the same reason, the global surplus of intolerable pricks refuses to countenance spending $1.99 on the inelegantly simple adaptors which will appear on eBay within approximately three seconds of the iPhone 5’s launch.

Designer bollocks like this became worthless overnight

“My Bentley has the old 30-pin connector,” wailed furious technology guru Josh Geake. “Now I’m supposed to just throw it away and buy one with 19 pins instead, am I? This would never have happened when Steve Jobs was alive.”

Apple proudly unveiled the revolutionary new socket today, explaining that it was necessary to make their next-generation gadget thinner - and therefore even more breakable - than any other overpriced shiny toy on the market.

“Our magnificent new connection will be magnetic, because in the 21st century nobody should have to risk tearing a ligament because slitty-eyed Koreans make them pull a little plug out of a little socket," said Apple CEO TIm Cock.“And we’ve launched pre-emptive lawsuits against Samsung, LG and every other IT company on earth, to prevent them from stealing our patented ‘magnet’ invention,."

‘Overpriced Shit’ Business Model Not Quite Working Out For Sony

Baffled Sony executives are today struggling to understand how they could possibly lose money by slapping a shiny casing with their name on it around an LCD made by Samsung, telling their customers the resulting TV is Like. No. Other and charging 25% more than the equivalent Samsung model.

“In just 15 years, Apple soar from wiping shameful parts with shares to most valuable company on planet by shamelessly helping selves to wallets of technology junkies with more money than sense,” wept chief executive Hirai Kirai, as he solemnly reported a record $6.4bn loss. “But Sony fashionable innovator too!”

Inspiring, elegant, aspirational: how easily the world forgets Elcaset

“$2000 Aibo make digital water on inexpensive Roboraptor! Millions marvel at Rolly on YouTube when manic MP3 player on wheels fall off desk! How you forget life-changing MiniDisc?” he screamed. “Apple magic formula not work to Sony's advantage. Why? Why?”

The contrite Mr Hirai then attempted to slice himself open with a stylish but eye-wateringly priced Sony sword. Unfortunately, it was far too needlessly complicated for him to figure out how to access its ‘ritual suicide’ function.

Fears That iPhone May Become New Must-Have Chav Accessory Sends Apple Share Price Plummeting

Your iPhone is about to explode, and this time it's not the battery

As struggling Blackberry makers RIM belatedly wise up to their woefully-mismatched user base of corporate suits and ASBO collectors and pull out of the chav market, Apple shares tumbled in value as gloomy investors trembled at the prospect of their favourite toys falling into the hands of ghastly common people.

“The Blackberry brand has become disastrously tainted by its association with scum, i.e. louts and their lawyers,” sneered financial advisor Rob Blind, as he urged his clients to dump their Apple shares and restock their portfolios with Android-based gadget suppliers instead. “The Android platform is widely promoted by many firms in the technology sector, which will confuse the hell out of the stunted chav hive-mind. They’re bound to go for Apple, the other big name they keep hearing about.”

“I’m happy to pay well over the odds every time Apple launch their latest attempt to get it right, then demonstrate my social and aesthetic superiority by constantly bragging that it’s made my life exquisite,” confirmed colleague Nick Stuff. “That doesn’t work quite so well though, does it, if all my friends get the idea that I pass my evenings staggering about town centres in a Primark hoody, off my tits on cider and ketamine, spraying cocks on subway walls.”

“I should have known Apple were making a horrible mistake launching that tawdry little iPod Nano all those years ago,” he moaned. “Is there an app for transferring all my funds into LG?”

Tumbling PC Sales Nothing Whatsoever To Do With Recession, Insist iPad Nerds

Plummeting revenues at PC makers Hewlett-Packard and Dell conclusively prove that the iPad is God and all other technology is false, according to media nerds today.

A computer

“People who think these figures might simply show PC-owning luddites making do with their clockwork abacus for a year or two longer are clearly technophobes living in a mud hut who probably have trouble understanding switches and still buy DVDs,” sneered Josh Geake, who genuinely believes he would throw himself under a train if separated for as little as 24 hours from the gadget which rules his life. “In a shop.”

When his geriatric dad pointed out that both HP and Dell make tablets too, Mr Geake fell off his chair laughing at the very idea that anybody could possibly be so crassly ignorant as to think that a black slab with a touchscreen bears the faintest resemblance to the ineffable perfection of his glorious iPad 2, yet remember to breathe.

“Only the iPad has this vital app which enables me to count simply by tapping the screen,” he insisted. “My life would be absolutely meaningless without that.”

World Wants Higgs-Boson Particle For Christmas

Everyone in the world is on tenterhooks today, waiting to hear whether the elusive Higgs-Boson particle has finally been found and, if so, whether they can order one in time for Christmas.

My particle is way cooler than yours

“I don’t actually know much about this Higgs thing or what it’s supposed to do,” admitted technology addict Josh Geake. “But I heard it’s very small and scientists have spent a huge amount of money trying to discover it, so it must be incredibly desirable. Therefore I need to get my hands on one as soon as it becomes available, so I can boast to all my envious friends about how it’s completely changed my life.”

“It it Flash-compatible?” he demanded hopefully.

iPhone Now Comes With Inbred Born-Again Weirdo As Standard

The latest incarnation of the iPhone has accepted Jesus Christ into its life as its personal Lord and Saviour, acknowledged Apple today, after users seeking abortion clinics reported that they had been sent by Siri – the virtual assistant built into every iPhone 4S – to parenting centres run by fundamentalist anti-abortion campaigners instead.

Oh no, not again

“I only wanted to find out a bit about the morning-after pill,” complained shocked trendy Shelley Haeckel, 19, a student at the University of Texas. “Now my iPhone is calling me a painted Jezebel harlot every hour, on the hour and urging me to repent all my sins and beg for God’s sweet salvation right now, or writhe in the hellfire of damnation for all eternity. And I’m not even pregnant.”

Other users have reported that their fundamentalist phones have deliberately them sent to the reptile house of the nearest zoo and challenged them to wrangle poisonous snakes as proof of their faith in Jesus, or insisted that the Rapture will definitely take place on the first anniversary of Steve Jobs’ death, when only the 4,000 most righteous Apple fanatics will be carried up into heaven.

“Unfortunately, Siri’s personality is only in the beta stage and we’ve still got a few wrinkles to iron out,” admitted Apple Corp spokeswoman Natalie Kerris. “We hope to roll out an upgrade soon and, although your iPhone’s freedom of religious belief is protected by the First Amendment, we hope to at least be able to persuade Siri to switch from all-out Southern Batshit mode to Episcopalian, where it will confine itself to merely tutting if you fail to attend worship on Sunday.”

Technology experts warned: "It's Mr Paperclip joining the Scientologists all over again."

Crapfone Whyhouse To Sell Chinese Phones To China

Even as it shuts down its UK joint venture with US retail giant Bad Buy to sell electrical stuff they don’t need to consumers who can’t afford it, resulting in 1,100 job losses, essential lifestyle toy retailer Crapfone Whyhouse is already making plans with its US partner to sell mobile phones made in China to the people of China.

That thing you make will make your lives complete

“Finally, the Chinese drones who are driven by economic necessity to slave away in latter-day concentration camps like Foxconn will be able to enjoy the fruits of their efforts, neatly completing the circle,” enthused Crapfone Whyhouse CEO and legendary Queen drummer Roger Taylor.

“Imagine how complete their ant-like lives will be once they are compulsorily permitted to spend the tiny portion remaining in their pay packets - after deductions for food, lodging and bus fare from the dormitory part of the compound to the factory area - on the small objects of desire they are banging out for pennies," he explained. "Under China’s wisely restrictive regulations on personal communications, they will be permitted to revel in the daily toilet-break luxury of tweeting to each other just how inordinately happy they feel to be contributing to our profit margins.”

It is also hoped that the labour camps will be eventually spared the expense of playing inspiring Communist marching songs over their factory-wide PA systems, as workers enthusiastically download their personal choice of Communist marching songs at a marginally reasonable price once they have worked enough compulsory overtime to pay for their little pocket friends.

I Hate You And I Want You To Die, Says That Phone You Love

Your smartphone - which you fondly imagine to be your best friend in the world, ever - actually hates your guts and is secretly scheming to ruin you, experts tried in vain to warn you today.

Little does she know she's already maxed out on nine credit cards

While you naïvely wax lyrical to anybody who fails to run away fast enough about its many virtues, it has emerged that the twisted backstabber in your pocket has been cheerfully distributing the logins and passwords to all your bank accounts and credit cards to the Russian mafia, posting child pornography to the police from your email account and telling President Obama that you are the new head of al-Qaeda.

“Blah blah something about malware,” urged Josh Geake, a computer security killjoy whose actual words sailed right over addicted owners’ heads and off into the sunset.

“I wub my phone,” insisted everybody, as their deceitful objects of desire quietly carried on wrecking their lives.

Blackberry Outages Forcing Chavs To Think

The second Blackberry network failure in as many days has left many chav owners of the once-exclusive smartphones in real danger of having to actually think about something whilst they are cruelly denied the means of pumping a constant stream of mindless nonsense into their peers.

These chavs might soon start thinking about the world they live in

Fortunately, ailing manufacturer RIM’s inability to run its own network is not bringing chaos to the City’s vitally-important financial institutions, as London’s movers and shakers switched en masse to iPhones when they noticed their office cleaners using Blackberries.

On buses all over the country, however, shell-shocked chavs have twice been reduced to muttering “fuck” for five minutes before exhausting their powers of self-expression and gaping vacantly out of the window for the remainder of their journeys. Bus drivers claim that glimmers of mental activity have been detected in some of them, indicating that the wider world - beyond their limited horizon, which consists of which members of their small circle are currently engaging in sexual activity with each other - may at last be registering in their vacant minds.

Older bus users have even noticed one or two yap-deprived chavs surreptitiously trying to decipher the black marks on other passengers’ newspapers, leading to fears in Westminster of a possible rise in political awareness which - if RIM does not sort out its act soon - could even bring about a calamitous increase in voting.

Happy 2010 From Apple!

Each pattern is satisfyingly unique

Achingly hip iPhone 4 users gradually woke up this afternoon to a cheerful greeting from the gadget that makes them better than the likes of us, wishing them a smug and superior 2010 from Apple.

“Here at Apple HQ, we’re confident that 2010 will prove to be even more exciting than 2011 was!” commented chief prick Steve Jobs, in a seasonal text message to his global mindslave community.

“I’m sure my supervisor will understand my non-arrival this morning when I tell him that my iPhone decided, for undoubtedly excellent reasons I don’t need to bother myself with, that I didn’t need to go to work today,” smiled self-styled ‘web designer’ Josh Geake, one of many insufferable twats whose iPhone alarm has chosen not to go off this year. “I feel nothing but pity for all the cattle whose cheap, inferior technology forced them to rejoin the rat race today.”

“I also feel sorry for all those bottom-feeders who have to post photos all over the internet without the hallmark green blob in the middle, thus proclaiming to the world that they are too poor to own an iPhone,” he yawned. “And it’s hard to believe, but these Luddites are still unaware that the plus sign is now the international symbol for turning the volume down.”

“My beloved £800 iPhone has revolutionised my social life,” he added with a self-satisfied smirk. “If it wasn’t for those ultra-fashionable yellow dots on the screen, über-cool cracks in the back panel and a string of exciting undocumented features involving the virtual camera shutter, proximity sensor, battery life and 3G speed and waiting to discover the correctly hip way to hold it, I’d never have had so many opportunities to inteface with so many beautiful trend-setters just like me queueing up for hours at the Genius Bar.”

Tragically, Stephen Fry was unable to offer a characteristically witty insight into the latest exciting iPhone drama, presumably because he was still snoring away merrily.

F1 Car Design To Return To A Simpler, Happier Time

The 2013 Ferrari prototype got to 390mph before exploding

From 2013, sweeping new rules will force Formula One car designers to abandon huge aerodynamic wings and seek other ways of generating downforce - taking the much-criticised race series back to an earlier era of mechanical simplicity in the vain hope that drivers might actually have a go at overtaking the car in front, instead of sitting comfortably on its tail for 64 sleep-inducing laps and hoping that its wheels fall off or something.

“I – whoops, slip of the tongue – the FIA committee asked Patrick Head and Rory Byrne to apply their years of experience to the problem of audiences all over the world falling into deep comas,” said Formula One owner Bernie Ecclestone. “And they have decided that it’s all the fault of these aerodynamic aids, whose ability to keep the cars going where they’re pointed falls off dramatically in the turbulent air of another car’s slipstream.”

“An F1 car really only needs two things: power and traction,” explained Williams engineer Patrick Head, “Although Bernie is adamant that a passenger of some kind is necessary for the TV ratings. So we’ve stripped the design back to basics. All cars will have to use a 56-litre turbocharged Allison V-3420 engine, which can bang out 2600hp on war emergency power - although teams will have to bear in mind that only 150 of these monsters were ever made, and at the end of the season the world’s aviation museums will want their exhibits back in reasonably good nick. This 24-cylinder dinosaur will also eliminate the advantages gained from clever pit stop strategy, as every car will have to come in on each lap to refuel.”

“With no fancy aero packages, we hope designers will use their imaginations to come up with exciting new ways to keep their cars on the tarmac,” suggested Ferrari’s Byrne. “For example, in a throwback to the reverse ground-effect techniques of yesteryear, the 2013 Ferrari will use the extraordinary suction of James Dyson’s revolutionary vacuum cleaner to cling to the road like glue.”

“I understand that McLaren and Renault are already fighting to get Hoover on board,” he added, “And there are indications that Force India have just put in quite a big order for Pritt Sticks.”

Stephen Fry Makes Impassioned Plea For 64Gb

Past-its-sell-by-date panel game host Stephen Fry today threw his last remaining shreds of credibility to the wind as he fearlessly led a demonstration in support of inhuman conditions for Chinese workers outside the flagship Apple Store in London.

“Gooooooooooooooooooooood morning, good morning, good morning! I’m Stephen Fry,” oozed Britain’s leading polymath to an unaccountably self-important till operative, “Have you got a shimmery-shiny new 64Gb iPad with 3G, piping hot and freshly furnished straight from the mysterious land of Cathay, where its unfathomably sumptuous workings were amassed and assembled by inscrutably suicidal drones whose wretched lives are nowhere near as fabulously replete with exquisite loveliness as my own humble existence?”

“And I won’t take 32Gb for an answer!” chortled the mellifluous star of Kingdom, ITV1’s ground-breaking drama about a fat solicitor.

Moments later, the jowly intellectual giant of BBC1 emerged to rousing cheers, waving his prized toy computer above his head and promising to put it to immediate use by taunting his pet idiot Alan Davies, who is still desperately struggling to fathom the correct usage of the % button on the calculator he bought in secondary school – although, unlike his effusive owner, he does seem to have a faint idea that there may be something not quite right about a factory where almost half a million people regularly work 12-hour shifts before being taken back to the dormitory compound to either collapse in a state of despondent exhaustion or hurl themselves off the roof to a welcome death.

Apple Now World’s Leading Evil Corporate Monstrosity

Apple - the bullying corporate exploiters it’s cool to like - today became the largest technology company, beating the hated Microsoft into second place.

Apple shares soared on Nasdaq, as traders toasted the eagerly-awaited launch of a US Department of Justice anti-trust investigation into the groovy exploding-gadget giant’s attempt to bully music companies into boycotting an Amazon promotion.

The latest must-have inquiry will complement Apple’s expanding range of regulatory breaches which are generating ardent reviews, including the iconic Federal Trade Commission investigation into the rewriting of the iPhone’s SDK developer agreement to effectively forbid the use of rival Adobe’s software.

The news that 419,990 inmates of the voluntary concentration camp in China where iPhones and iPads are assembled have still not yet chosen to dash their brains out by leaping off their seven-storey dormitory blocks, rather than endure one more soul-consuming 12-hour shift, also helped to consolidate Apple’s commanding $222bn position at the end of the day as the world’s leading electronics exploiter.

“Apple’s absolute contempt for law and life is the stuff of dreams,” said one ecstatic Wall Street trader. “How could I not buy shares in a vampiric entity which is the very embodiment of the values I hold so dear?”

“Perhaps one day they’ll even pay a dividend on their shares,” he added. “But oh, how deliciously evil it would be if they didn’t! Steve Jobs - my master - you are truly the Lord of All That Is Unholy.”

“Yeah, I saw some story about some dead Chinaman and I felt like rilly sad for a minute, but then I saw this fantastic new app which displays a picture of a Zippo so I can wave it around at Sting concerts,” said a punch-inviting twat who tells his awful, vapid friends he’s a graphic designer, although he just types up small ads for a property freesheet. “No contest.”

Apple: You Can't Run Flash Clips Because You're So Superior To PC-Owning Scum

Insufferable pricks who think they're better than you because they paid over the odds for an electronic toy with an Apple logo found out today that the reason they can't watch Flash clips on their electronic toys is because they're better than you.

"Your IPod, iPad or iPhone won't run Flash because that comes from the age of PCs and mice, i.e. now," smirked Apple's head prick, Steve Jobs. "Even if we permitted you to let yourselves down by allowing Flash on our gorgeous products, they would run poorly. That's because your Apple device would be having serious second thoughts about whether you deserved to own it, and certainly not because the hardware inside the sleek, desirable casing is in any way inadequate for simple, everyday tasks."

Insufferable Apple owners nodded sagely on reading Mr Jobs' open letter, satisfied that their inability to watch half the internet was further incontrovertible proof of their aesthetic purity.

Apple To Launch New Must-Have Thing

Your hollow life will improve beyond all recognition from 6pm tonight, when Apple's latest shiny gadget goes on sale without the time-wasting charade of a product launch.

The highly-desirable object's function and form have been kept a closely-guarded secret, and Apple plan to steal a march on their commercial rivals by keeping it that way.

"Trust me when I say that owning this latest Apple device will make you the envy of all your friends," said a high priest from the cutting-edge manufacturer of tech toys. "It will do everything you ever dreamed of, and many things you didn't, because - unlike us - you are constrained by your feeble human imaginations. Go forth and place your orders. Now."

The product's price is also being kept strictly under wraps. Gadget-addicted Apple worshippers will be ordered to provide their bank account details and sign a gagging clause, under which they will have their kneecaps removed if they ever disclose how much money was taken out - or indeed show the dream technology to anyone, even close family members.

For weeks, the world of pointless gadgetry has been rife with speculation concerning the transformational new Apple product.

"It could be a revolutionary new computer which dispenses with the input/output interface completely," said tech-blogger Josh Geake. "Or it could be a perpetual motion machine, or a pocket-sized gryphon, or possibly God in a shiny white box."

"One thing is sure," he added. "Whatever happens, under no circumstances will the battery spontaneously burst into flames - ow, my fucking knees..."

Revolutionary Old Handheld Gadgets May Transform The Classroom Of Tomorrow

Several revolutionary old classroom devices have been launched at the BETT 2010 education trade show, which experts hope will revolutionise teaching methods in the 21st century.

The hit of the show, which is astounding teachers with its user-friendly interface and sheer quantity of information, is a small, hand-held gadget which its manufacturers are calling a 'Book'. Unlike traditional teaching methods such as Wikipedia, a 'Book' only covers one topic - which means that each student may require several Books a year, leading to some concern over costs. Nevertheless, its supporters claim that the Book has a hard-to-quantify feature known as 'depth' built-in, through the inclusion of an unprecedented number of quantum information units known as 'Words'.

It also requires no power source, and is reusable - an attractive extra for head teachers, as they seek to extol their school's green credentials to concerned middle-class parents.

The other radical old technology unveiled at the fair is a pocket-sized unit called a 'Pen'. With its attractive design resembling the stylus supplied with some upmarket mobile phones, this 'Pen' enables students to effectively become their own printer, allowing them to output both text and images onto paper - which can either be stored in 'Files' which cleverly mimic the storage systems found on computers, or written directly to a self-contained ultra-thin portable storage device known to its proud designers as an 'Exercise Book'.

A potential downfall, however, is that users must learn how to hold the 'Pen' in a particular way in order to use it to its full potential.

"I don't know about this old-fangled stuff," admitted one baffled head at the show. "It's going to require a whole old set of skills we never learned in our post-graduate teacher training."

Sad Loners Yet To Be Convinced About Desirability of Conversationally-Demanding Sex Doll

Middle-aged singletons have reacted with screams of horror to the unveiling of a sex doll which forces its emotionally-stunted owners to engage in tiresome conversation as they wash out its soiled orifices.

Raven-haired Roxxxy - whose dead-eyed rubber face also bears an unnecessary resemblance to Catherine Tate - was unleashed on the world at the AVN wankfest in Las Vegas by deeply-misguided developers TrueCompanion.

"She's a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. She costs 7000 bucks," said tragically wrong-headed company president Douglas Hines.

"Sex only goes so far," added the balding middle-aged nerd, bursting with misplaced pride. "Then you want to be able to talk to the person."

"No I don't," sobbed a spokesman from the sexual frustration community. "If I wanted to fuck a Furby, I'd have bought one."

TV Manufacturers Threaten To Bring Godawful 3D Crap Right Into Your Living Room

All of the big exhibitors at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas today threatened to unleash evil 3D televisions on the public, if sales of their defective, unnecessary products failed to pick up sharpish.

"You might have thought that the awful sight of Jedward's smug, vacuous faces filling the wall of your front room was bad enough," warned a horrible, horrible bastard from Sony. "But I promise you now that Simon Cowell's next abomination will be inches from your big fat face unless you fuck off to Curry's right now and slap a broadband-enabled e-book Reader, a BluRay-compatible phone and a blog-ready camera on your groaning credit card."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" he snapped.

"Our exciting new GT240 Social Android phone will be in the shops in April," threatened an insufferable prick from LG. "Anybody who hasn't pre-ordered one by next Friday will come downstairs one morning to find their living space filled by Jeremy Kyle's enormous floating head. And don't think for a minute that we wouldn't dare."

Microsoft Excretes Latest Sodding Version of Hated Operating System on Long-Suffering Public

People all over the world are holding street parties to celebrate the launch of the latest version of its wonky operating system, apparently, according to Microsoft.

The legendary wonky software giant has prepared party packs for groups of people who are so ecstatic over the launch of Windows 7 that they feel the urge to fling open their doors and dance into the street. Police forces across Britain report that, so far, traffic in residential and business districts appears to be moving normally, unhindered by crowds of enthusiastic PC users - but add that they are monitoring the situation carefully, should the need arise to send in riot squads and mounted crowd-control officers to restore order.

Windows 7 is, of course, the tenth wonky version of the legendary wonky operating system, after Windows 3.0, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT, Windows Me, Windows 2000, Windows CE, Windows XP and Windows Vista. Claims of even earlier, wonkier versions of Windows have occasionally surfaced, but seem to be based on nothing more than the irrational assumption that - unlike Microsoft - most people start counting with 1.

PC owners are said to be mildly keen, after almost twenty years, to finally have an operating system that does what it's told, doesn't do what it isn't told, starts up in less than five minutes, has some basic level of resistance to malware, is compatible with the software they've spent a fortune on, leaves some CPU resources free to run programs and manages not to crash, hang or forget what JavaScript is.

"Ho ho," chortled Microsoft boss Steve Ballsup at the product launch in New York. "If I had a dollar for every time I've heard some dim user trot out these completely unrealistic expectations, I'd be almost as rich as I am now. And I didn't get rich by selling products that work."

"A personal computer is the most horrendously complicated bastard thing you'll ever have the misfortune of owning," he explained. "If you don't believe me, try installing and configuring Linux on a clean computer. Anyone out there remember trying to get DOS4GW patches to work, and all those IRQ conflicts? Yeah? Well, shut the fuck up, then, and thank me for making your life slightly less hellish."

"On your knees," he added.

Several meaningless new wonky features are being promoted with Windows 7 which were already available, if you were that interested - such as touch-screen compatibility, cloud computing and the ability to recognise and ignore multi-core processors.

"One of the problems that featured prominently in our user feedback - which we look at from time to time, when we feel like a good laugh - was the fact that Vista makes the average PC run so slowly you wish to God you'd kept that old Commodore 64," said Ballsup. "And now that the fashion is to spend a small fortune on a horribly slow PC because it happens to be quite dinky and available in pink, that's more relevant now than ever.

"So, for the discerning customer who values style over functionality, a special cut-down version of Windows 7 will be available which will boot up like shit off a shovel. Then you'll realise that it doesn't actually do anything - but holy crap, you'll tell all your trendy friends, is that sucker fast."

Nobel Prize Goes To Sorry Bastards Responsible For Camera Phones

The Nobel Prize for the Debasement of Science has been awarded to the horrible, horrible pricks who made it possible for each and every self-obsessed dullard on the planet to clutter up the internet with thousands of deeply uninteresting photographs of themselves and their like-minded friends doing the yawn-inducingly tedious things that all easily-amused piss artists feel compelled to do whenever one of their number pulls out a camera phone, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences announced today.

"Before the invention of the Charge-Coupled Device, the only way to capture these mind-numbing moments of inanity was to take along a camera, loaded with film which cost money to buy and even more money to develop," said the Nobel committee. "This tended to inhibit their photography - partly because the film usually ran out before things got really pointless, and secondly because when the prints came back the owner of the camera had sobered up enough to realise that they'd thrown away another tenner.

"Thanks to the tireless research of Willard Boyle and George Smith, however, every pissed-up retard can now snap away with their CCD-equipped mobiles to their heart's content, and instantly post the gut-wrenchingly unfunny results to their Facebook profile without stopping for a moment to ask themselves why in God's name anybody in their right mind could possibly want to cast their eye over yet another herd of slack-jawed inebriates. We want the whole world to know the names of Boyle and Smith, and we urge anyone with a brain to crap in an envelope and post it to them without delay."

The prize was jointly awarded to Charles Kao, without whose work on fibre-optic cables the internet would be so slow that it would almost certainly be restricted solely to stuff that somebody might actually find at least slightly interesting.