Medics Nod Knowingly At Duke’s Awkward ‘Bladder’ Problem

Doctors at the London’s leading King Edward Potato Hospital today tapped their noses and acknowledged that the Duke of Edinburgh’s wrinkled genitals will be painted purple and kept under amused observation for the next couple of days, following his emergency admission yesterday for a sudden flaring-up of “the old bladder problem.”

Clap, everyone

Smiling nurses are greeting the nautical 90-year-old with a cheery ‘Hello sailor’ as they administer iodine and antibiotics to the royal privates, according to a grinning hospital spokesman who suggested that, next time Prince Philip thinks about putting on something for the weekend, at his age he really ought to take sensible precautions.

Meanwhile, rumours that the Queen has changed the locks at Buckingham Palace were, as is customary in such matters, neither confirmed nor denied.

Cameron To Resurrect Nimrod AEW For Carrier Fleet

After years of indecision about which version of the F-35 fighter – the one that melts a hole in the deck, or the one that will merely fall off the end of it - is worst suited to Britain’s future aircraft carrier fleet, David Cameron today shackled the nation to everlasting penury by reordering the notorious Nimrod AEW Mk3 for the Fleet Air Arm instead.

“The AEW Nimrod project was one of the most colossal wastes of time, money and effort in aviation history,” commented the Nev Filter’s resident plane-spotter, Neville Mann. “To this day, nobody knows just how much of Britain's dwindling post-war wealth was flung into a bottomless pit by successive governments as British Aerospace and Ferranti executives grinned like wanking Japs every year and promised to shoehorn a sodding great Boeing E-3 into a second-hand airliner half its size, if they could just have one more teeny-weeny blank cheque.”

Best of all, it guarantees British jobs

While the Royal Navy has no operational requirement for a massive airborne early warning system, since the MoD ended up buying the Boeings they could have been operating for 17 years, Mr Cameron has been reassured by eager BAe chiefs that it is entirely possible to hang a missile off each wing and pretend the bulbous, sluggish white elephant represents the last word in air superiority. Other critical missions for which the lumbering money sink can be readily adapted include wallowing along at zero feet whilst redundant AEW sysops lob hand grenades through the nosewheel bay, keeping BAe executives in the luxury to which they are accustomed, and exploding in mid-air, killing everyone on board.

“Of course, there may be minor teething problems in that, with a wingspan of 115ft and tipping the scales at 85 tonnes, the Nimrod is totally incapable of operating from our carriers,” conceded Mr Cameron. “Then again, nor is the F-35. But the important thing that the taxpayer needs to keep in mind is that the Nimrod is, of course, 100% British.”

“In fact, BAe have just emailed me to say it’s now 1000% British,” he added proudly.

Royal Navy Still Unable To Run Modern Warfare 3

NATO is ready to take on any hostile titans

Swingeing defence cuts have left the UK’s armed forces without any hardware capable of running Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, according to shocked NATO allies - who first noticed a shortfall in Britain’s defence capabilities when they were invited to “bring any spare cereal packets” aboard HMS Illustrious for a simulated amphibious assault during the current exercises taking place off the shores of Scotland.

“We’re used to planning operations in our destroyer’s state-of-the-art Xbox Mission Suite,” said a horrified Dutch commander afterwards, “So it came as a bit of a surprise to see a blue-painted table in the middle of the hangar deck with a pair of marines painting Cornflake boxes grey and folding them into rudimentary ships. Haven’t the Royal Navy heard of quad-core laptops?”

Admiral ‘Froggy’ Legg apologised to his NATO counterparts, explaining that Britain’s top strategists were eagerly waiting for couriers to fly out the BNIB Radeon graphics card they bought on eBay, which they hope will upgrade HMS Illustrious’ desktop PC to the minimum spec needed to run MW3.

“Meanwhile, we were hoping to have a splendid Airfix model as the centrepiece of our wargames,” he added with a sigh. “Unfortunately, however, Chief ‘Salty’ McTavish keeps getting high on the glue.”

Sub To Sail Up River Plate In Phallic Warpaint

Ramping up his ongoing campaign to goad Argentina into a war which will win him the next election, David Cameron has ordered nuclear submarine HMS Trafalgar - which has been expertly camouflaged as a giant cock – to sail up the Rio de la Plata and flaunt itself mockingly before the enraged population of Buenos Aires.

Yep, that ought to do the trick

“If we surface in the downtown harbour area just behind the nature reserve, we can disport our proud British manhood up and down the waterfront - from Avenue Belgrano to the Autopista 25 de Mayo,” explained the obscene hunter-killer’s commanding officer. “For the benefit of younger voters, the Royal Navy torpedoed their flagship, the General Belgrano, in 1982 and we’d have got the aircraft carrier 25 de Mayo too if it hadn’t turned tail and fled, leaving a brown trail all the way back to Argentina.”

“If this doesn’t fill every hot-blooded male in Argentina with the burning desire to invade the Malvinas personally,” he added, “I’ll eat my captain’s hat.”

Meanwhile, in Plymouth yesterday, Mr Cameron was talking up the war he seeks to trigger, praising the Royal Marines he hopes will die heroically to secure a resounding Conservative victory - and promising plenty of work for Devonport Dockyard, patching up the photogenic, vote-winning holes blasted in our warships which manage to limp back from the impending South Atlantic confrontation.

Royal Navy To Recommission Entire Contents Of Fleet Air Arm Museum

With the future of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter hanging in the balance of possible Pentagon defence cuts, the Royal Navy today unveiled a back-up plan to ensure that the aircraft carriers currently under construction will have at least some offensive capability.

“The naval aviation museum at RNAS Yeovilton already has a complete naval air arm in being,” explained defence minister Philip Hammond. “The impressive inventory includes a Sopwith Pup, a couple of Dragonfly helicopters which are cheap as chips to run, and a Swordfish bomber whose strike potential can be significantly upgraded for 21st century naval operations by bolting on the Merlin-powered sharp end of a Barracuda.”

“We’ve got an almost-working Concorde, too,” he warned Britain’s enemies. “By Crikey, that’s going to put the fear of God into those damned Somali pirates when they see it screaming towards them at zero feet, festooned with torpedoes.”

Paddle like fuck

USS Enterprise Not To Be Fully Operational Until 23rd Century, Admits Starfleet

USS Enterprise and USS Spare Parts - the two sleek starships currently under construction for Starfleet - will have to wait until the invention of faster-than-light propulsion systems, space weapons systems, force fields, matter transportation and artificial gravity generators before they can be considered fully operational, Starfleet’s Intergalactic Accounts Committee admitted today.

At least they'll be able to watch 200 years of footy in Dolby Surround

Nevertheless, the Federation remains fully committed to completing the two empty shells, training a full complement of crew to shout ‘Bang’ and fall over a lot until futuristic new technologies are discovered which might enable a starship to actually carry out any ongoing missions.

Project manager Captain James T Kirk remains optimistic, however, that the hollow hulks will look sufficiently impressive to deter attacks from any alien heavy metal psychopaths or space whales who might seek to destroy planet Earth.

“We’ve already… fitted the Enterprise with a state-of-the… art plasma TV screen,” he blurted, “And I’ve asked my chief… engineer to… draw up plans to… get us to… the edge of… space - the final frontier - under a great big balloon. Winch me up, Scotty.”

“Ye cannae change the laws of physics,” observed a dour Commander Montgomery Scott.

“Laws of physics,” he added, “Jim.”

Ark Royal Sale Must End Soon!

You couldn't get that big one in your driveway

There have been so many generous offers for the decommissioned HMS Ark Royal that the deadline is to be extended so that even more potential buyers can come forward, the Defence Equipment & Support Boot Sale announced today.

“Roll up, roll up, ladies an’ gents - once it’s gone, it’s gone!” shouted a civil servant in Camden Lock market. “Yer kint buy an aircraft carrier this compact in the shops! We’ve ‘ad loads of interested parties, I tell yer straight! Go on, make me an offer! It might not be ‘ere tomorra!”

“You just wouldn’t believe how many parties will pay top dollar for an aircraft carrier that’s a couple of sizes too small,” explained swivel-eyed defence secretary Liam Fox. “For a start, an aircraft carrier with no aircraft is the last thing your enemies would expect, and that’s precisely the cunning strategy behind the new ones we’ve got on order.”

Among the shoppers in Camden, one man said he thought HMS Ark Royal would be just the thing for his garden’s ornamental pond, while another thought that if it was hauled up a hill it might make an ideal dry ski slope. However, the general mood among the bargain-hunters was that, if they waited, two bigger ones would be available soon.

Carrier Costs Rise To Accommodate Aircraft Britain Can’t Afford

Well, admirals can have dreams too, you know

The costs of the Royal Navy’s two aircraft carriers currently under construction have risen by at least £1bn, the Ministry of Defence admitted today, taking into account the major redesign work needed for the Joint Strike Fighter that Britain can’t afford to buy.

“This is an unforeseen additional cost which has only arisen because the plane we originally designed the carriers around has never worked, can’t work and will never work,” confessed Admiral John Byng. “Consequently we’re having to redesign the flight decks to launch and land the version of the plane that can and indeed does apparently work. Unfortunately, that’s the one that needs a bloody long flight deck, because the VTOL version we based the entire project around will keep burning sodding great holes in the deck, and once it does get airborne it has to land immediately because it’s just used up all of its fuel taking off.”

“Not that it matters,” he chuckled, “Because even the basic bread-and-butter model is so extravagantly expensive that we had to choose between the planes or the carriers, and for strategic reasons we chose the carriers because that means more sailors for us to give orders to. Of course, now we can’t even afford both carriers, so we’re putting one of them on eBay, BNIB. Somebody’s going to pick up a real bargain, because we’re starting the bids at 1p to take advantage of eBay’s cheaper listing policy. You see, contrary to popular opinion, us chaps at the MoD really do have the taxpayer’s interests at heart.”

So far, however, ministry sources have been unable to confirm whether the bargain-basement carrier on offer will be capable of handling real aircraft or imaginary ones.

Sea Trek: The Degeneration

Ref: US Navy Captain Owen Honors loses post over lewd videos 

SCENE I: INT. The female ratings’ showers of the U.S.S. ENTERPRISE. Two women are gasping ecstatically as they soap each other.

VOICE-OVER: CAPTAIN JAMES T. JERK (for it is he)

Sex – the final frontier. These are the voyages of the soft pornstarship Enterprise. Its six-month mission: to speak out lewd words; crude generalisations; to bodily go where no DV-cam has gone before!

(Grams: Funky wah-wah guitar intro.)

SCENE II. INT: The ENTERPRISE bridge. YEOMAN RANDY, who appears to have forgotten her underwear, is pointing a camcorder at CAPTAIN JERK, while a clearly-aroused MR SCOCK focuses his attention on a What-The-Butler-Saw viewer. LIEUTENANT EBONY is at the communications console, with a strange silvery object in the usual orifice. ENSIGN JAKOV is having a fiddle at the controls, while LIEUTENANT SMELU is grinning like a wanking Jap, because that’s what he is. Outside, scantily-clad female sailors are doing unmentionable things in the rigging.

JERK

Pornstardate 2007, Tuesday. The uh, Enterprise is on deployment, patrolling the borders uh, of the erogenous zone. The crew are uh, looking forward to a spot of well-earned R&R uh, involving a lot of FFM, maybe a little uh, CFNM and uh, possibly a spot of simulated S&M.

(SFX. Doors open with a sigh of pleasure. DR. ‘MOANS’ MUCKY steps out of the pornolift.)

JERK

Moans uh, what brings you to the bridge? No uh, action in dickbay?

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

MUCKY

It’s all this skirtin’ aroun’ th’ erogenous zone, Jim. Ah doan’ lahk it. Who knows what those dirty Iraqulan women are up to out there, hidden from saht under a veil of darkness? It keeps me awake at nights jes’ thinkin’ about it.

JERK

I know how you feel, Moans - and uh, a lot of the crew feel the same uh, way. It uh, seems there’s a whole lot of feeling going on uh, aboard the Enterprise! 

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

Something’s wrong - I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

SMELU

Ooh, I can help you with that, Captain!

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

JERK

Thank you, Mr Smelu, but I uh, don’t think that will be necessary. Get a uh, grip on yourself.

SMELU

I already have!

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

JERK

I uh, need to take this in hand. I’ll uh, be in my uh, quarters with Yeoman Randy.

(He gets up and leaves. SFX: Doors sigh.)

SCOCK

I have been reviewing the security footage of the female crewmembers’ quarters, Doctor. I find it quite fascinating.

MUCKY

Why, you green-blooded…

(SFX: Blue alert.)

JAKOV

Unidentified wessel approaching, Mr Scock!

SCOCK

Raise trousers, Mr Jakov. Lt. Ebony, open hailing frequencies.

JAKOV

Trousers raised, serr!

EBONY

No response, Mr Scock. I don’t usually have that trouble.

(SFX: doors sigh. JERK stumbles onto the bridge, quickly tucking his shirt into his trousers, which appear to be on back to front.)

SCOCK

Status report, Mr Smelu?

SMELU

It appears to be a Federation shuttlecraft, Mr Scock. It’s not responding to Lt. Ebony at all. This could be my lucky day!

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

EBONY

Incoming emission, Captain!

JERK

Uh, on screen.

JAKOV

But ve are just getting to the best bit, serr!

JERK

Contain yourself, Mr Jakov.

JAKOV

(disappointed)

Too late, serr.

EBONY

Sir, it’s Admiral Obama. He wants to come aboard.

JERK

Don’t we all?

(To screen)

Cancel blue alert. Uh, Admiral - this is an uh, unexpected uh, pleasure.

OBAMA

Sorry, Jim, but Seafleet Command has had reports of unusual activity in this sector and I’m here to make a snap inspection of the Enterprise. I trust there’ll be no hard feelings.

JAKOV

(under his breath)

Not any more!

JERK

Mr Scock - Dr Mucky - meet me in the Transporner Room in five minutes. Uh, full dress uniforms for the Admiral.

SCENE III: INT. TRANSPORNER ROOM. LT CMDR HOTT is at the console, looking rather flushed.

(SFX: Doors sigh. Enter JERK and MR SCOCK in formal uniform.)

JERK

I hope you’ve got uh, a steady hand today, Hottie. We don’t want any uh, little accidents.

HOTTIE

Och, a’ haed a wee one earlier, Cap’n. A’ve jis’ done wipin’ the console doon. Where’s Dr Mucky?

(SFX: Doors sigh. Enter DR MUCKY, dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl.)

MUCKY

Oh. You meant those dress uniforms.

HOTTIE

The Admiral willnae want tae be kep' waitin', Cap’n.

JERK

Too late, Moans. Hottie, uh - enerjizz!

(SFX: cheesy 70s Hammond organ music. VFX: ADMIRAL OBAMA materialises.)

JERK

Welcome aboard, sir.

OBAMA

No need for the formalities, Jim. This must be Mr Scock - but who’s this pretty little thing?

JERK

Uh, this is my chief medical offender, Dr Mucky, sir.

(MUCKY curtsies.)

SCOCK

I believe the good doctor is conducting research into making uniforms more comfortable, Admiral.

OBAMA

Excellent, excellent – you must send me a copy of the report, Mucky.

MUCKY

I’ll make sure it’s exceptionally well illustrated, Admiral.

OBAMA

I’m sure it’ll be a pleasure. Now, the Bridge please, gentlemen.

SCOCK

If I may say so, Admiral, I’m not sure that would be entirely wise.

(But ADMIRAL OBAMA is already at the door, which opens with a particularly ecastatic SFX gasp.)

OBAMA

Er… is that usual, Jim?

JERK

I’m afraid we’re, uh, running a bit low on oil, Admiral.

(SFX: door moans "Oil!" with pleasure.)

SCENE IV: INT. The BRIDGE.

(SFX: Doors pant open.)

Enter JERK, OBAMA, MR SCOCK and DR MUCKY.

SMELU

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Admiral on the bridge! Hello, sailor!

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

OBAMA

As you were. Gentlemen - I just want you to carry on as normal.

SMELU

Ooh, get him with his “carry on”! I Sorry, sailor boy, but I don’t do anything normal!

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

SCOCK

Dr Mucky, I believe Lieutenant Smelu is due for his annual physical in Dickbay.

MUCKY

Why, you pointy-eared hobgoblin… er, will y’ excuse us, Admiral?

(ADMIRAL OBAMA nods curtly.)

SMELU

Come on, big boy! I hope you’ve got warm hands! Who‘s your dressmaker?

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing again.) SMELU and a muttering DR MUCKY exit.

(SFX: Doors leer suggestively.)

JERK sits in his chair, which begins to vibrate loudly – he hastily presses a button to stop it.

OBAMA

What’s that up there on the screen, Captain Jerk? There seem to be strange, amorphous blobs out there, just hanging in space.

JAKOV

I’m terribly sorry, Keptin. Ve got a leetle carried away.

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing. A panel explodes, messily. JAKOV takes out a heavily-soiled handkerchief and goes forward to wipe the screen. ADMIRAL OBAMA moves over to the science station and peers into the What-The-Butler-Saw viewer.)

OBAMA

What on earth…? Those women are out of uniform!

SCOCK

Er… As a Vulcan I am interested in all aspects of human behaviour, Admiral. My current field of study requires me to observe non-procreative mating rituals, particularly among human females.

OBAMA

That may be, Mr Scock, but Seafleet has strict regulations regarding the improper use of photon torpedoes!

(Cue: crew fall out of chairs laughing)

JERK

Uh, with all due respect, Admiral, it’s been a while since you last had any hands-on experience of uh, running a ship.

EBONY

(removing top)

You can get your hands on these babies any time you like, Admiral!

(SFX: Alarms go off everywhere, panels explode, doors fly open screaming “Yes! Yes!” Cue: crew roll on floor laughing.)

OBAMA

Jerk! This is the slackest crew I’ve ever seen!

SMELU

(appearing naked and proud in doorway)

Chance would be a fine thing!

OBAMA

Captain Jerk, I’m relieving you with immediate effect!

SMELU

You lucky bitch! I’ve been dreaming about that for years! Mind if I watch?

(SFX: Blue alerts, panels explode all over the bridge. Crew roll on floor helplessly. JAKOV and EBONY dive under a console and start throwing items of clothing in the air.

JERK

(forlornly)

Beam me up, Hottie.

(Grams: more cheesy wakka-wakka guitars. Roll end credits.)

Government Faces Tough Call - A Compassionate Society Or Two Brand Spanking New Aircraft Carriers

Admit it, this is so much sexier than a welfare state

Parliament will be facing a difficult decision in the next few weeks, according to figures released by the Treasury today – whether to maintain the pretence of a welfare state, or go ahead with a couple of unnecessary aircraft carriers which have no suitable aircraft and insufficient personnel to operate them.

Out of the £5bn optimistically earmarked to build the white elephants, admitted a Treasury official, £1.25bn has already been irrevocably signed over to the builders, BAe, and their subcontractors - even if their keels were to be scrapped on the stocks tomorrow.

“Look, it’s very simple,” said an MoD spokesman. “If the people of Britain really want a society in which poor people are free to be persecuted, vilified and hopefully rendered homeless simply for the crime of being poor, then they will jolly well have to fork out a few billion to defend that way of life. And that means two undermanned floating football pitches. Now pay the man.”

Britain And France May Share Bath

No comment so far from the Admiralty

Britain is seriously considering the once-unthinkable possibility of inviting France to join it in the bath, enabling the two most self-important nations in Europe to play with each other’s toy boats.

“I want some proper toy aircraft carriers - the ones I’ve got are only pretend ones ‘cos I just took the tops off some of my frigates,” said seven-year-old defence secretary Liam Fox, as he splashed around in his tub. “But daddy Dave and mummy Nick say they can’t afford to pay for two new aircraft carriers and hot water as well. So they said if I want to carry on playing I’ll have to share my boats with that Nicolas Sarkozy next door.”

“I don’t like him though, ‘cos he’s really stuck up and he smells,” added little Liam. “But I really, really, really want some aircraft carriers, or I won’t have a proper navy at all.”

Meanwhile, the little Sarkozy boy expressed doubts about sharing his proper aircraft carrier.

“I ‘ave not forgotten zat ze last time ze British asked if zey could share my toy boats, zey suddenly changed ze rules and broke zem,” he pointed out sulkily. “Besides, I ‘ave nevair, evair used my boats in ze bath. Zey are immaculate, and I put zem on ze mantelpiece to show zem off.”

“Besides, ‘ave you seen ze murky waters in ze British bath recently?” he continued. “I would probably come out smelling worse zan when I got in.”

Queen Visits Plymouth, Admires Floating Lump of Machinery, Buggers Off Again

Her Majesty the Queen and HRH the Duke of Edinburgh yesterday slipped into Devonport Naval Base to see a big grey metal object they last saw 12 years ago when it was first pushed into the sea.

Her Majesty the Queen and HRH the Duke of Edinburgh then slipped out of Plymouth again before any of the inbred mutants infesting the area beyond the dockyard wall found out she was there.

“Phew, that was close,” commented the captain of HMS Ocean afterwards.

Send Royal Navy To Pick Us Up Now, Demand Wildly Optimistic Travellers

150,000 stranded British holidaymakers with quaint notions about the size of the Royal Navy today called on the government to send an imaginary fleet of warships to pick them up and bring them home, preferably with ensuite showers in every cabin.

"My girlfriend and I will be on the quayside at one o'clock sharp, bags packed and ready," snapped irate futures trader Rob Blind, who has been forced to soak up more sun and drink more cocktails in Goa by the evil Icelandic volcano plume. "Cabin for two with a balcony, please. Sort it."

Following a meeting of the COBRA emergency committee, in which it was pointed out that many of the stranded travellers are nice middle-class people who tend to vote in elections, the government later announced that it was sending its three largest warships - assault boat HMS Waterfeature and the pocket carriers HMS Dinghy Royal and HMS Little Britain - on a big circular tour of the world's top holiday destinations to collect all 150,000 ash victims, stack them eight-deep on the hangar decks and return them to their polling districts by 6 May at the latest.

"Travellers may experience a certain amount of discomfort," admitted navy spokesman Admiral Insurance, "Especially the ones who have to stand all the way on the flight deck."

Meanwhile, airlines are beginning to question the actual danger posed by the plume, after a British Airways 747 landed safely following a test flight through the ash cloud with chief executive Willie Walsh lashed to the tail fin, roaring defiance at the elements.

"If anybody was going to be hurled to earth and smashed to bloody chunks, whether you believe in God, karma or Mother Nature, then that person would surely be me," snarled the unharmed executive as flight attendants unstrapped him and gave him oxygen. "But behold, minions and trade unionists - I live!"

"Bloody hell," he added. "Give me some more of that oxygen, love."

UK To Keep Waving Enormous Nuclear Cock At Rest of World

Notwithstanding suggestions that a separate army, navy and air force may soon be unsustainable, defence minister Bob Ainsworth today promised the nation that the future of the UK's enormous nuclear cock is assured.

In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.

"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."

"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."

A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.

New 'Armed Forces Man' Toy Most Realistic Ever, Says MoD

The nation's boys will be able to play with lifelike toy soldiers again for the first time in over a decade, as a British manufacturer launched a replacement for the much-missed 'Action Man' of yesteryear.

Now, working closely with the Ministry of Defence in a desperate attempt to brainwash children into joining the ever-shrinking forces, Character Group has created 'HM Armed Forces', a collection of realistic 10-inch toys in Army, Navy and RAF outfits - as well as all-new 'Demob Man' and 'Invalided Out Man' figures, which complete the range.

The former Palitoy version of GI Joe - first introduced in 1966 - was famous for its swivelling eyes, clutching hands and complete absence of genitals. However, the quest for extra realism led to extensive consultations with military WAGs, with the result that Armed Forces Man will now sport a disappointing, normally-proportioned wedding tackle.

Army Man will be complemented by a realistic Land Rover made of flimsy plastic, while RAF Man, when placed in his special exploding Hercules and Nimrod planes, can quickly be disassembled into a mangled assortment of limbs. Completing the set, Navy Man can be put inside a featureless black cylinder which is designed to sit at the bottom of the goldfish pond and be completely forgotten.

Meanwhile, Demob Man's eyes will swivel uncontrollably, and his hands will grasp a bottle as he struggles to obliterate the realistic memory of his friend Invalided Out Man stepping on a mine, while Invalided Out Man himself will come with no legs and only one hand, and will therefore be sold at a greatly reduced price.

When Subs Collide

The Royal Navy has confirmed that the nuclear submarine HMS White Vanguard was involved in a collision with a French counterpart, Le Capitulant, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean ten days ago.

Despite having extensive sonar systems, both submarines were unaware of the presence of the other until they crashed into each other, said a naval spokesman, adding hopefully: "Well, at least it proves that the stealth technology works, eh?"

Details of the incident are only now emerging. It appears that HMS White Vanguard's helmsman was engaging in a difficult travelling-in-a-straight-line manoeuvre while scrabbling around on the floor for a Queen CD, when the French submarine suddenly appeared out of nowhere on the wrong side of the sea while its crew were looking at porn on a computer. The White Vanguard's captain sounded his horn, shouted, "Watch out, you wanker!" as required by the international law of the sea and tried to swerve out of the way, but sideswiped a passing whale and bounced back into the path of the oblivious French sub - causing extensive damage to his boat's go-faster stripes and fibreglass air dam.

Both subs surfaced immediately and - according to eye-witness accounts from the shadowing US and Russian subs - the White Vanguard's captain, inspired by centuries of RN tradition, immediately offered to send a boarding party across to "sort out" the French. The slovenly, cognac-sodden captain of the Capitulant, however, merely waved his arms around like an orang-utan, gibbered like a mad parrot and seemed extremely agitated about the scratches on his shoddily-built vessel's paintwork.

Once the traditional exchange of maritime pleasantries was over, both captains exchanged insurance details and sailed off to their home ports.

The details of the French claim are not known; it has been suggested that the details they gave may be bogus, and they may in fact have been joyriding recklessly in a stolen, hot-wired sub. Meanwhile, the Royal Navy is said to be claiming that all sixteen Trident nuclear missiles fell out of the back, and is demanding that Lloyds of London replace the sub with a shiny new one, due to a bent reactor. A spokesman for the venerable marine insurers, however, said that if the senior service checked the small print of its contract it would realise that it stood to lose a £500bn no-claims bonus if the sub was written off, adding that the White Vanguard's captain is liable for the first £3bn cost of repairs out of his own pocket.

The Fleet Air Arm: 100 Years of Second-Rate Service

The Royal Navy has unveiled plans to celebrate 100 dismal years of British naval aviation, it announced today.

It was in 1909 that the Sea Lords signed a landmark £35,000 contract to build a rigid airship to compete with the German dirigible programme. The result - HMA 1, known as the Mayfly - never flew, as a gust of wind blew it into an obstruction and it broke in half, thereby setting a precedent for much of what was to follow.

Highlights of the Fleet Air Arm's century of illustrious efforts include:

- the death of Lt Dunning, the first man to land a heavier-than-air craft on a seagoing warship, immediately after his achievement;
- a generation of useless, overweight naval fighters, because of their Lordship's refusal to believe that pilots could possibly read a map without carrying a navigator in the boot to do the thinking for them;
- a total inability to make a torpedo bomber stay in one piece without involving half a mile of piano wire;
- launching Hurricane fighters off merchant ships in the middle of the Atlantic with no means of recovering them;
- trying to squeeze the carrier, HMS Indefatigable, through the Panama Canal, then having the cheek to bill the Americans for all the bits it knocked off along the way;
- handing its Avengers back to the US Navy after the war, then having to borrow them again four years later because Britain's aviation industry couldn't make anything that worked;
- wasting a fortune trying to belly-flop jets onto rubber-decked carriers;
- the Fairey Gannet;
- ordering two squadrons of Phantom jets, insisting that they be completely redesigned for Rolls-Royce engines regardless of cost, then promptly decommissioning the only aircraft carriers that could carry them;
- somewhat optimistically maintaining that a Sea Harrier with a Sidewinder bolted onto each wingtip was some kind of first-rate fighter;
- taking its last Sea Harriers out of commission, leaving no fixed-wing aircraft in naval service for years to come, yet stoutly maintaining that its long-delayed new carriers will somehow be 'essential' to Britain's defence;
- fondly imagining that a carrier named after a cruise liner will in some way strike mortal terror into the nation's foes.

The Ministry of Defence joined in the celebratory mood today, saying that an "exciting" announcement would be made in the next few days concerning the next-generation Joint Strike Fighter. Aviation experts said the announcement would probably confirm that the Americans had finally given up trying to make the damned thing work.

Fancy-Dress Charles Marks 60 Years of Not Being King

Prince Charles has been indulging in one of his family’s favourite pastimes as he celebrates 60 years of waiting for his mother to die, by dressing up in pretend clothes and fondly imagining himself as some sort of military leader.

His official birthday portrait, unveiled on Friday, depicts the prince in a ceremonial costume bedecked with enormous shiny medals given to him by his mummy, pretending to be in the Welsh Guards. The photograph, by leading sycophant Hugo Burnand, is the latest example in a longstanding tradition of exercises in royal wish-fulfilment. The picture is to be hung next to the famous photograph of Prince Harry proudly wearing the uniform and swastika of Hitler‘s Afrika Korps, taken in 2005.

The Prince enjoyed a full day of activities, beginning with breakfast in bed, served by the Duchess of Cornwall in the traditional costume of a Zulu warrior. He then donned an admiral’s uniform to play with his battleships in the bath, before dressing in a full NBC suit and gas-mask for a meeting with some real people at a Prince’s Trust project, probably involving turntables. Later he changed into a fetching leather flying helmet and fleece-lined jacket, and pretended to be a Major in the Royal Flying Corps at Covent Garden.

The martial make-believe continues on Saturday with a party thrown by Camilla, featuring gravel-voiced old fart Rod Stewart. Her husband is widely tipped by royal reporters to be dressing up in a centurion outfit for the occasion, although some believe he will mark the occasion by trying to pass himself off as Sergeant Wilson from the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.

Charles will have to be careful not to be upstaged by his sons, however, who will be wearing real uniforms as serving members of His Mummy’s Armed Forces. They are taking time out from their arduous military duties in the West End to attend.

280-Litre Tritium Leak Nothing to Worry About, Says 50ft Flying Lobster

The spilling of 280 litres of irradiated reactor coolant into the river Tamar is completely harmless, said a gigantic winged lobster today as it plucked unconcerned Plymothians from the streets and crushed them in its fearsome mandibles.

The lobster-creature, which emerged from the murky waters of Plymouth Sound late this afternoon, is thought to have mutated over a period of many years, thanks to a catalogue of radioactive leaks from Devonport Dockyard’s nuclear submarine complex since it was privatised.

The latest hazard was caused by a hose bursting as irradiated cooling water - likely to be contaminated with tritium - was being pumped from HMS Trafalgar. The accident occurred in spite of improved safety measures supposedly put in place after previous incidents.

A spokesman for the Royal Navy, Lt. Cmdr. Strangelove, speaking from a lead-lined concrete bunker half a mile beneath the city, was quick to reassure concerned citizens, if there were any.

“Initial sampling has not detected any radioactive contamination in the local environment,” he smiled through his NBC suit’s thick visor. “Of course, tritium - which enters the food chain in contaminated water, is carcinogenic and mutagenic, and is especially hazardous to growing cells - is difficult to detect without sophisticated equipment, so our Cold War-era radiation badges may not really be up to the job. Fortunately, though, tritium is odourless and tasteless, and it’s well known that what you can’t see can’t hurt you.”

The 250,000 easily-reassured inhabitants of Plymouth immediately relaxed, and returned to their normal occupations of unprotected sex, vandalism, abusing strangers, racing uninsured old Astras and chanting ‘Arguy-oe’.

The gigantic flying lobster paused from its rampage to say: “I’m not too worried about ingesting contaminated Janners. I’ve been eating their sewage for years, and it’s done me no harm whatsoever. In fact, I’ve positively thrived on it.”

Speedboat

The Royal Navy was involved in its biggest ever drugs-busting operation yesterday, when HMS Liverpool was found to be carrying 18 cocaine-filled sailors.

Citizens of the fair city of Liverpool expressed shock and disgust at finding the reputation of their wonderful home town besmirched by their naval namesake, with many worthy Scousers indignantly shrieking, “Ey! Ey!! Ey!!!” in tones rising to inaudible frequencies.

The Type 42 destroyer, which is currently deployed on operations to combat drug-smuggling, was found to be awash with illegal drugs after the crew had a ‘run ashore’ in Brazil.

“We conducted random drug tests on the crew after the captain noticed a sharp reduction in the number of nostrils aboard ship,” explained the ship’s doctor. “Also, when the crew were paraded on deck, some of them were clearly marching in a strangely Colombian manner. Eighteen crew members whom we subsequently tested were found to be positive. In fact, some of them were absolutely ecstatic. You really don’t want to know what they’ve been getting up to in the rigging, believe me.”

“Positive test rates in the Navy last year averaged less than 0.4%,” pointed out a spokeswoman from the Ministry of Sound Defence. “Unfortunately, the nature of statistical variation means that they appear to be slightly higher among the 240 crew aboard HMS Liverpool. All right - nineteen times higher, if you must know.”

“But let’s not lose sight of the important fact that the Royal Navy has seized the biggest-ever haul of illegal drugs in its illustrious history,” she added sheepishly. “Even if they didn’t have to look very far to find them.”

The Navy denied internet rumours that they would soon be selling tickets to the biggest festival in the Southern Hemisphere, and said that HMS Liverpool had impounded itself pending collection and destruction by specialist teams from the US Drug Enforcement Agency.