Graduates Worth More To Economy, Insist Graduates

Each and every graduate - even the thick ones with degrees in Sport History or Art Management - adds squillions to the wealth of the UK, according to a report published today by people with degrees in Data Entry.

“The raw statistics speak for themselves,” said Jim Spreadsheet of the Institute For Public Policy Research. “Graduates earn £180,000 extra over their lifetimes, for a cost to the state of just £18,800 per degree. It stands to reason, therefore, that the more people with degrees, the better for the entire country. Look, here’s a simple sum which proves it.”

Excel can do this! Who knew?

When asked for the graph showing the actual distribution of graduate earnings, however, Mr Spreadsheet angrily accused the Nev Filter of sneering at the miraculous achievements of billions of hardworking young people, all of whom have successfully risen from underprivileged backgrounds to lead the world in their chosen fields, such as surfboard care and management.

“If everyone in Britain had a degree,” he insisted, to cheers from the lecturers’ union which commissioned the PR, “This would be the richest country in the world. Stands to reason.”