That Idyllic Rural Olympic Opening Ceremony In Full

1. Lord Coe is discovered lying face-down among the hydrangeas, with a knife in his back.

2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.

Celebrating the timeless tranquility of the British countryside

3. Inspector of ceremonies descends in huge Volvo-sponsored balloon.

4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.

5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.

6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.

7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.

8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.

9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.

10. Pub.

PM Tells National Trust Not To Worry, His Planning Reforms Will Only Disfigure Labour Strongholds

Responding to fears expressed by the National Trust about the effect his drastic axing of planning laws may have on Britain’s verdant countryside, prime minister David Cameron was quick to explain that only urban areas full of Labour voters would have hideous monstrosities built right outside their windows.

Build what you like, but just on the red bits

“Both as prime minister, as a rural constituency MP and as an individual with a particularly magnificent view of Oxfordshire from the master bedroom, I have always believed that our beautiful British landscape is a national treasure,” insisted Mr Cameron. “Our socialist-run cities, on the other hand, are ghastly shitholes which couldn’t possibly look any worse than they do already. I’d have thought that the average urban sink-dweller would fall on his knees to thank the council planners for allowing a new glue factory to obscure the godawful sight of gangs setting fire to the local takeaway every evening.”

Mr Cameron reiterated the madness of expecting his friends in the construction industry to wade through more than 1,000 pages of bureaucratic pettifoggery, promising to replace Britain’s bloated planning guidelines with just five words: “Is it a Labour constituency?”

Green Unpleasant Land

Housing Minister Grant Shapps today announced that developers could build affordable housing in villages without having to go through all that tiresome nonsense about planning permission in future, as long as they offered suitable bribes to any remaining locals who haven’t been squeezed out by rich tossers from London buying up everything in sight for a picturesque second home in the country.

The plan is for local ‘housing trusts’ to vote on whether they wish to blight their rural idyll forever with low-cost housing developments, before selling up to some unsuspecting townie bastard and getting the hell out of Britain on the first available ferry to Spain.

“Oi’m orl forr it, zurr,” said Jethro Slurry, 72, the last of a long family line which has lived in the sleepy Somerset hamlet of Chorlton Wheleigh since being granted a hidal burghage in 1172. “Let zay zemty-foive grann apiece furr me an’ ole Mrs Tolpuddle as use turr run th’ Powst Orifice afore ‘ee shut daown, plus wot us’ll git furr a faast zale a’boaf uzz cottages t’zumm stock-opp bleddy yuppies, an’ it’s ‘ellow lurrve shaack daown on ‘im thurr Coster Brarrvurr f’r uzz, innit me ‘anzumm?”

Countryside preservation groups have already fainted dead away at the proposals, while county councillors up and down the country have been rubbing their hands with glee and ringing round their architect friends for quotes.