Facebook Starting To Regret Jumping Without Parachute

So long, Zuckers

As it plummets earthward at increasing speed, Facebook is showing signs of having second thoughts about the wisdom of leaping heroically into the stock markets without the benefit of a parachute.

“We jumped under the impression that we were going to float off into the wild blue yonder, thanks to the remarkable self-inflating valuation designed for us by thrill-seeking underwriters, Acme Bank,” posted Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg breathlessly, as he rapidly approached terminal velocity. “But the dotcom boom we were hoping to land on is getting closer every second, and now I can distinctly make out the words ‘Class Action’.”

“It’s looking uncomfortably like we’re about to be splattered messily all over the front pages,” he shared moments later. “Goodbye, cool world.”

Modern Coventry Strangely Unfamiliar With Aircraft, Bombs And Ground Tremors

Not an earthquake

The inhabitants of Coventry are to be asked exactly why they think their city is a concrete shithole before being sat down for a little chat with their grandparents, after flooding Twitter yesterday with unprecedented ignorance of their own past when an RAF jet went supersonic.

“You might think that, having become a byword for indiscriminate death and destruction raining down from the skies, Coventry might know at least some of the key characteristics of bombs, tremors and aeroplanes,” sighed a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “For the benefit of the internet generation, let me recap. The telltale sign of an earthquake is things falling over, not a loud bang. If things fall over and there’s a loud bang, it could be a bomb. If there’s a loud bang but nothing falls over, well, that would be one of our planes doing Mach 1.”

“We do try not to do it too often,” he apologised, “Because you’re idiots.”

Country-Blocking Twitter Development Poses No Threat To Freedom Of Stuff, Say Online Paragons

This living saint says it's OK

Millions of grass-roots defenders of free stuff swiftly put down their trusty keyboards yesterday to mount a viral campaign of complete silence, after Twitter unveiled a way of blocking all messages from entire countries which has absolutely no impact on the basic human right to steal other people’s stuff.

“,” declared staunch free-stuff supporters Anonymous, summing up the concerns of ethical campaigners across the globe, as they deployed hard-hitting distributed denial-of-service attacks on no multinational corporations or government agencies in response to the uncontroversial move from Twitter which – although allowing oppressive governments to silence citizens’ protests with just one simple email – will preserve their fundamental freedom to help themselves to copyright material.

“We believe the new, more granular approach to withheld content is a good thing for freedom of expression,” a Twitter spokesman lied through his teeth. “If you think you have a problem with the logic of that sentence, please stop worrying about it right now and concentrate on the awful fate of Megaupload instead.”

Whites Divided Over What To Do With Diane Abbott

Not divisive at all

Controversial MP Diane Abbott - who may or may not be some colour or other - has apparently succeeded in her colonial supremacist plan to divide the white population of Britain, with some saying she should be kicked out of the Labour Party and others meekly apologising for their part in the cruel Victorian domination of the entire Afro-Caribbean world.

“Yay! I rule!” tweeted the non-divisive MP for Hackney North and Stoke.

Following a brutal racist visit from Ed Miliband, however, Ms Abbott later apologised for her latest inflammatory tweet, saying that she could not possibly be expected to communicate using words.

Girls ‘At Risk’ Of Being Bitches 24 Hours A Day

Advances in technology now mean that girls are in real danger of making bitchy and spiteful comments 24-seven, according to Jean Gross, England’s frumpy communications champion for young people.

“Anybody who's been a girl, seen a girl or has the vaguest concept of a girl in their head knows that girls can often make each other's lives a misery in school through communication,” she told the Bitches’ Schools Conference in Bristol. “Now the poor dears have got even more ways of excluding each other.”

Shut the fuck up and get your pretty head around the majesty of the 4-2-2

“In times past, girls used to gain a brief daily respite from their own torrents of spite once they got home from school, as at least one family member would have the confidence to tell them to wind their necks in,” droned the droopy old bag. “Now, however, thanks to mobile phones and social networks, they find they are forced to make deeply hurtful comments about their peers around the clock - even when they are fast asleep in bed. Probably.”

A typically insensitive penis owner, however, cruelly suggested that Ms Gross, the conference and every girl in the country might want to “get over themselves” and, even worse, “take an interest for once in something outside their own spotty skins,” possibly involving steam engines.

Radiation Now Known To Cause Orgasms, Warn Scientists

The latest research into the effects of radiation shows a clear link between small doses being introduced into the atmosphere and spontaneous multiple orgasms in humans on the other side of the world, according to a report published today.

“We have been monitoring Facebook, Twitter and YouTube carefully over the last couple of days,” explained project leader Dr Gary Clipboard. “And every time a small quantity of radioactive isotopes is released into the atmosphere, it’s almost immediately followed by frenzied moans of delight as people halfway across the world are worked into a lather, resulting in copious emissions all over the screen.”

Unfortunately, swallowing this is no help at all

Dr Clipboard’s observations have led him to believe that exposure to radioactive transmissions seems to affect only certain types of people, however.

“The loudest shrieks seem to come from those who left school at 16 but are convinced they know more than you,” he noted. “It seems that even the merest mention of the word ‘radiation’ acts on the most suggestible area of the brain – in these cases, that’s the part which handles everything but remembering to breathe. This leads to rapid overstimulation of the imagination, and the victim is suddenly racked with intense feelings of smugness, loses all self-control and almost immediately starts squirting juicy comments all over the place.”

The only prescribed treatment known to work in such cases, unfortunately, is to pre-administer several doses of a difficult substance which scientists call ‘education’.

“I regret to say that there is no hope whatsoever for these poor unfortunates,” concluded Dr Clipboard sadly. “We’ve tried to administer simple diagrams but, like the more complicated articles we tried initially, they just seem to pass straight through without being absorbed at all. Racked by the throes of their tragic degeneration, victims experience an unquenchable thirst for video posted by their fellow sufferers. Finally there’s an insufferable outburst of uncontrollable gloating, and I’m afraid it’s all over the internet.”

The resulting ignorance has a half-life measured in decades, he warned.

Meanwhile, fears are now growing that the unplanned bursts may soon contaminate those who did pay attention at school, but have tragically since lost the ability to remember that atoms do not violently split themselves.

Nev Filter Not A Fan Of i bileve NEthing im told on facebok

Unpopular satire blog The Nev Filter today failed in its duty to join several Facebook groups and fan pages, after making the fatal mistake of thinking 'hang on a minute' before clicking the Join button and gleefully following whatever stupid or harmful instructions followed.

A spokesman for Facebook Brain Control Inc said that the company had received numerous complaints from spammers, hackers, con-artists and paranoid delusionists stating that the Nev Filter was selfishly blocking the development of the human race by pointedly refusing to participate in the evolutionary leap from Homo sapiens to Homo credens.

"After receiving numerous reports, we have set up a group called I BET I CAN GET 1,000,000 PPL 2 COMPLAN ABOUT THE NEV FILTER," he said. "I urge all obedient Facebook slaves to join this group immediately."

"I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that, filthy rich as we are from our lucrative advertising revenues, Facebook has no plans to force users to pay £14.99 or £3.99, or indeed to receive a sharp stick up the arse," he added. "Since that's just what we would say, isn't it, that should keep those fucktard-magnet groups ticking along nicely."

So far the Nev Filter has blatantly refused to honour its obligation to spread the viral wares of the legitimate spammers of the world, by stubbornly refusing to cut and paste a segment of incomprehensible Javascript.

"I appreciate that I am completely out of touch with the laid-back, trusting youth of today," admitted Neville Shite, the blogger who is now Facebook Enemy Number 1. "But when somebody promises me a free Dell laptop or a desperately-needed Dislike button in return for simply spamming 20 of my friends or hacking my own account, a little alarm bell goes off in the back of my devious, suspicion-riddled mind."

"I even started a group called 'u no i think ther may b bad ppl out ther'," he added. "Needless to say, within minutes a million hollow-eyed robots promptly joined it, and just as promptly forgot all about it. Go figure."

Twitter In Meltdown As Stephen Fry Signs Off

Popular social yammering site Twitter is teetering on the edge of economic collapse today, after people's polymath Stephen Fry issued a shock statement that he would be refraining from twatting for the next few months. Investors promptly reacted to the loss of Twitter's main user by dumping millions of now-worthless shares.

The legendary actor, wit, writer, comedian, genius, explorer, philosopher, historian, Mac user, occasional Jew, quantum physicist, botty connoisseur, patroniser of Alan Davies and acceptable face of bipolar disorder announced to a shocked world that he was withdrawing from all social activity for the next few months, in order to concentrate all of his vast mental powers on a cheque from his publishers - who have been wondering lately whether he might possibly pull his erudite finger out of his Wildean arse and finally get round to capitalising on the runaway success of Moab Is My Washpot, the first volume of his autobiography.

"Gosh crikey, doesn't time fly, like an innocent young caterpillar masticating furiously - oh come come come come now, shame on you all - on the shiny purple cap of a magnificent cock-shaped rocket on Bonfire Night?" burbled Britain's venerable queen on the brainfart-sharing website. "Yet here am I, frivolously dispensing my bon mots amongst you, my adulatory Twat- academy, free gratis and for - as it seems the vulgar saying goes - absolutely bugger all, when my editor points out - quite correctly, under the circumstances - that he is paying me £7.50 per mot and - as he phrases it with admirably earthy forthrightness - he 'hasn't seen a single frigging word in twelve long sodding years' and expresses his fervent desire to - as he so pithily puts it - 'pack the bastard off to the printers' before he finally succumbs to the leering advances of lecherous old age."

Industry analysts are warning web investors of significant falls in lol, rofl and pmsl over the coming months of Frylessness.

"Alas, alack and Alan Davies! I fear it's adieu, auf wiedersehen, ave atque vale with lols aplenty from your silly old uncle Stephen," chortled the renaissance man who made the role of Kingdom his own whilst rushing round the United States in his mould-breaking travel series, If It's Tuesday Afternoon This Must Be Nebraska. "I'm bumbling offwards to trawl the fusty corridors of my vast cathedral of a brain for any side-splitting anecdotes about Rowan Atkinson or Emma Thompson that haven't already been told by everyone else - or indeed by my humble self on Twitter."

Researchers Disappointed By Lack of Thought-Provoking Discussion of Major Issues Confronting Humanity on Twitter

Forty per cent of Twitter messages are "life-sapping brainfart", according to researchers in the United States, whilst a similar proportion is "self-obsessed verbal diarrhoea of absolutely no interest to animal, vegetable or mineral."

Only one message from the sample of 2,000 'twaats' was found to have "any relevance to anything that anybody actually gave a shit about", said a deeply-upset spokesman for Pear Analytics. And that's only because it was so unintentionally fucking lame it got passed on for people to laugh at."

"This, apparently, is the tragic end-product of civilisation's 5,000-year quest for understanding and enlightenment," he explained between sobs, adding: "The human experiment has failed."

"Press the nuclear button now, Mr President," he implored. "Put us out of our misery."