Cameron Defeats Tax Fiddles 1-0 With Well-Aimed Kicking Of The Unemployed

Pubs all over England erupted in frenzied cheers today as David Cameron, the legendary right-winger in the number 10 shirt, led his dream team of millionaires to victory with a beautifully-timed kick to the unemployed.

“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”

Balls to the unemployed

“It’s a funny old game. One minute you’re down, the next you’re up,” grinned spud-faced bad boy Jimmy Carr – back on side after, only days earlier, earning himself a stern talking-to from his captain for bringing their game into disrepute and feigning injury. “But it doesn’t matter, because this shows our critics that we just can’t lose.”

“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”

All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”