Nagging Golf Enthusiasts To Strike For God-Given Right To World’s Best Pensions

The contemptuous prick who lounges behind a desk for an hour or two every morning, ordering you to stop doing everything that gives you pleasure before roaring off for an agreeable afternoon out on the links, will be enjoying an extra round on June 21st because somebody, somewhere, is due for an even bigger pension than him, according to an open letter written by his gang.

St Mellion's fees are a tad dearer than your Age UK day centre, remember

“Listen, scum,” the BMA explained in every newspaper, “The founding principle of the National Health Service, according to no less an authority than that ghastly little Bevan twerp, is that our mouths should be stuffed with gold. The thought that anybody else might get more cash bunged their way, when they retire to Cornwall, than we will fills Britain’s hardworking doctors – and all the rest of us, too - with a deep-rooted moral sense of injustice, indignation and envy. Now for god’s sake stop smoking, you fat bastard. Get out, you disgust me.”

In a heartwarming gesture of goodwill towards the ignorant proles whose taxes rightly line their pockets, GPs promised that the humble lackeys who do all the tedious parts of the job - which would otherwise involve getting up from their expensive swivel chairs and actually touching poor people and their odious bodily fluids – will, naturally, not be permitted to take a day off.

“And if your stupid, ugly head falls off or whatever, don’t shit yourself,” added a BMA spokesman with a yawn, as he practiced his swing. “We’ve hired the usual foreign johnny to prod your flabby guts and scribble you a chit for two weeks’ worth of Prozac.”

Pencil-Lifting Police Too Thick To Fill Out Ballot Paper

Coming soon: CSI UK

Police officers who are fit are incapable of placing a cross in the right place on their ballot papers, admitted exasperated Police Federation officials today as they contemplated asking their members whether they want the right to strike - and those who might be capable of understanding a simple yes/no question are struggling to lift the heavy wooden tube with a black filling.

“After all the unquestioning love and loyalty we’ve shown them over the years, how bloody dare the Tories expect us to read and write, and be able to jog as well?” demanded an aggrieved spokesman. “If this lefty nonsense isn’t nipped in the bud right now, before long they’ll be asking us to work out the difference between right and wrong.”

“All we are asking for is the fundamental human right to flop down on the Parker-Knoll with a six pack of Stella, scratch our bollocks and get nostalgic over repeats of The Sweeney as Britain’s inner cities erupt in an orgy of arson, looting and blood-letting,” he pleaded. “Well, that and the right to be useless.”

Unison Calls for Clarkson Sacking

Some backward tribes worship Clarkson as a god

The loudest sound in recorded history reverberated around the earth today as two million angry trade unionists and a sizable proportion of the British public simultaneously shouted: “1… 2… 3… Sack Jeremy Clarkson.”

Isolated tribes east of Java reported hearing the call quite clearly on their remote islands on the other side of the world, and claimed that only the immediate sacrifice of the opinionated petrolhead would appease the angry spirits of the air.

Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Catholic Paedo Review Strike Strike Strike Strike

It's in there somewhere

With two million public sector workers taking part in the biggest UK strike since 1926, the Catholic Church decided that today offered its best chance to let the public know how very, very sorry it is about all those kiddy-fiddling priests it sheltered for years.

“Obviously, today there’s really only one story happening, so I’m sure journalists will be grateful to have something else to report on such a slack news day,” said Philip Bréagadóir, the bishop of Dun Faoghlin. “We really, really want this report to get maximum coverage, to be sure.”

“We do, we do, we do, we do, we do,” he insisted.

‘Defy The Strike Bullies’, Urges Self-Hating Journo Whose Boss Calls Him A C*nt

The Daily Mail threatened to implode into a singularity of self-hatred today as dead-eyed political editor James Chapmouse robotically penned a front-page article urging non-union workers to defy striking ‘bullies’, in the forlorn hope that foul-mouthed editor and chief hypocrite Paul Dacre might be moved to merely bare his fangs and hiss at him for once instead of calling him a cunt - along with the Mail’s other section heads - in his regular morning rant.

The unacceptable face of bullying in the workplace

Members of the public walking past the Mail’s Northcliffe House offices were treated to the usual hysterical stream of four-letter-words, however, as Dacre beat the hapless Chapmouse over the head with a copy of the morning’s paper wrapped around a baseball bat and called his senior political reporter a useless fucking cunt for failing to follow up the hard-hitting headline, ‘Defy The Strike Bullies’, with any stirring words of scab encouragement.

“I’m not 100% word perfect, as much of Paul Dacre’s torrent of abuse was masked by the screams of his underlings,” reported one shocked bystander. “But I’m sure he wasn’t entirely happy about the article being mostly padded out with cut-and-pasted union membership figures and various less-than stunning revelations of the ‘strikes at airport immigration desks might lead to queues’ variety.”

“I’m pretty sure the word ‘cunt’ was used once or twice,” he added. “That’s once or twice before each sickening thud, by the way.”

Unions And Government Deep In Talks To Avert Strike Both Sides Are Spoiling For

Representatives of the government are still locked in desperate last-minute negotiations with union delegates - with both sides expressing optimism that, if they keep praying hard enough, an exasperated Jesus will magically appear, invite them to shut the fuck up and present them with a supernatural miracle which somehow enables both factions to claim victory.

Jesus might pop in later

The fundamental problem facing both sides is that they are all desperately looking forward to tomorrow’s national public-sector strike. The unions are dreaming that the walkout will spark an Arab Spring-style popular revolution leading to the overthrow of the discredited ConDem regime; while the government is trusting the papers to orchestrate citizen outrage at being somewhat inconvenienced for a few hours, in the hope that public-spirited vigilante groups will form spontaneous lynch mobs and string Britain’s remaining union members up from the nearest lamp-post.

“I expect the discussions are taking the form of the unions endlessly repeating, ‘Our members want N or M’ - in this case, protection guarantees for their pay, pensions and early retirement - and the government chanting, ‘Get stuffed, Trotsky’,” said a spokesman for industrial relations consultancy Ebenezer-Skrüge. “Those are the set invocations and responses as laid down in the Service For Deliverance From Industrial Dispute, a little-known appendix of the Alternative Service Book.”

“The hoped-for outcome is the simultaneous fulfilment of both sides’ wishes,” he added, “Which clearly demands divine intervention.”

Latest In Long-Running Divide And ConquerTM Game Franchise Reviewed!

Comrades Out, Now!

New from the team who brought you the classic Brownout^TM and Reds Dead Redemption^TM comes Divide And Conquer^TM: Red Alert 3 - a game in which scheming players control the country, by dividing the evil unions down the middle.

You take the role of ‘Derek Simpson’, leader of the weak Unite faction, who has bravely decided to split away from the tough, battle-ready mechanised stormtroopers of the RMT and the wily bureaucrats of the PCS. Derek must fight his way out of the rapidly-escalating war of words and find a safe path to the bosses who lie at the heart of the game.

Of course, Derek will be aided in his mission by picking up strength from various papers he finds coming to his aid along the journey. Even sworn enemies have the potential to become allies, depending on how cleverly Derek attacks rival leaders, such as the bloated Bob Crow, as they try to develop a powerful Red alliance that will unleash chaos and disruption on an unprecendented scale as they try to wrest power from the nation’s enlightened rulers.

However, Derek will find he can call on help from many hidden sources, as he bravely struggles to prevent the other factions from recruiting an unstoppable army from the largely neutral population.

The gameplay is, of course, nothing new to aficionados of the socio-political strategy genre. However, heavy marketing will undoubtedly create mass-market appeal for a product squarely aimed at those who find traditional familiarity comforting and do not want a challenge.

Rating: ♦♦♦♦ed.