Et In Suburbia Ego

Clegg Thanks Party For Gift Of Knife In Back

This is a smile, and Nick Clegg has the respect of his party

Wearing his best upside-down smile, Nick Clegg wiped a tear from his eye at the Liberal Democrats’ spring conference in Gateshead as he thanked the party faithful for the touching gift they presented to him yesterday - which took the form of a gleaming stainless-steel scalpel, pinning between his shoulder blades a heartfelt note thanking him for all he has done for the party’s reputation in the two years since becoming deputy prime minister.

“I can’t quite reach round to pull it out and have a good look at it,” apologised Mr Clegg bravely, as delighted NHS paramedics gleefully threw him in the back of an ambulance bound for the Royal Cornwall Hospital. “But Shirley Williams tells me it’s a marvellous example of British precision toolmaking which I should definitely show to David Cameron, if he comes to visit me.”

You Too Can Be As Wealthy As A Waitrose Shelf Stacker, Promises Clegg

'Shelf stackers of the world, unite and take over'

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has shared his glorious vision of a share-owning Britain, in which every man, woman and child can bask in the untold riches enjoyed by Waitrose shelf stackers and John Lewis till operators.

“We don't believe our problem is too much capitalism - we think it's that too few people have capital,” enthused Mr Clegg beatifically. “We need more individuals to have a real stake in their firms. More of a John Lewis economy, if you like - full of quality goods, complete with a moving Smiths soundtrack performed by someone with a softer voice than Morrissey.”

“And what many people don't realise about employee ownership,” he added, as choirs of angels sang ‘Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Still Loves Me’ above him, “Is that it is a hugely underused tool in unlocking votes from those apathetic council-estate scum who dream of getting something for nothing.”

Have You Seen Little Nicholas?

Little Nicky has no idea of the dangers of the real world

Concerns are growing for the welfare of little Nicholas Clegg, 44, who has been missing from his House of Commons since yesterday.

Little Nicky’s picture has been circulated to transport police amid fears that he may try to hitch-hike to Europe hoping to stay with his penpal, his Spanish wife Miriam.

Young Nicholas had seemed somewhat sullen and confused for days, according to his Guardian – sobbing to his Sunday School teacher, Mr Marr, that he was afraid of being “isolated and marginalised” but still insisting that he was OK and nothing was the matter.

“He told me he was just popping along to the parliamentary sweet shop to get a great big gobstopper for his friend David, and nobody’s seen him since,” said the young runaway’s distraught Uncle Vince, in a distressing attempt to appeal to the public. “He can’t have run away to join the circus, because he’s already in one.”

The Two Faces Of Nick Clegg

Never Mind That Ageism Bollocks, Says Government - Here’s £1bn

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg emerged from his months-long nap today, to bribe employers to build up a slave workforce with £1bn taken from the family tax credits of any remaining workers not replaced by young slaves.

You're all Spartacus. Now get stacking those shelves

“With youth unemployment now hitting 20%, the papers have noticed and so the government must act,” yawned Mr Clegg, announcing that the government would bribe the usual suspects to openly flout Britain’s helpfully-unenforced ageism laws by hiring young joblesses for exactly six months before exchanging them for fresh ones at the Jobcentre, or simply recycling them every eight weeks without having to pay them at all.

“Obviously, employers can’t be expected to replace their unskilled staff with free slave labour unless we give them a little encouragement,” explained Mr Clegg brightly. “Meanwhile, the young are gaining literally priceless experience of what it feels like to actually have a job, which will give them something to reminisce about in the empty years to come.”

“In a perfect world, of course, we’d gladly sack our entire workforce and give everyone unpaid work experience instead,” said Tesco CEO Philip Clarke. “Sadly, however, there will always be a few jobs that require an incredible amount of skill, which must naturally be rewarded with a generous payscale. Mine, for example.”

“Although if the government were to lob, say, a billion into my pocket,” he added, “I’d gladly work for nothing for eight weeks, too.”

‘Don’t Worry, Clegg Isn’t Running The Country,’ Says Hague

Mr Hague remains upbeat, if incomprehensible

As prime minister David Cameron and chancellor George Osborne swan off to the holiday destinations only millionaires can afford, foreign secretary William Hague moved swiftly to allay public fears of a lack of leadership during a rapidly-worsening economic crisis by reassuring the nation that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg was still curled up and sound asleep inside his teapot and would remain there no matter what happens.

The Tory wise man of the north told anxious reporters: “Ey up, fowks - ‘appen things might be a bit ketty raht now, but ‘old yer skrikin’. Reckon t’ PM an’ t’ chancellor o’ t’ exchequer mun be agate raht soon enoof f’r upskittlin’ t’ economy wi’owt recklin’ t’ barn. Let ‘im ligg, now.”

Linguistic experts from the south explained to the rest of the country that the rough gist of what the foreign secretary had said was that, although the present situation may be causing alarm to some, that there was no need to worry as he had every confidence in the ability of Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne to restore calm to the markets upon their return and there was therefore no need to call upon Mr Clegg for leadership.

“It’s either that, or he fancies Halifax’s chances on Sunday against the Batley Bulldogs,” they concluded.

Nick Clegg Patiently Waiting For A Party Invitation From Murdoch

Full details are emerging of the frequency with which Tory cabinet members came running when Rupert Murdoch snapped his fingers, often leaving deputy prime minister and Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg on his own for hours as he waits in vain to be invited to play with the all-powerful magnate’s little lad, James.

In his 15 months as Chancellor, for example, George Osborne has met executives from News International 16 times. Meanwhile, education secretary Michael Gove has been invited to dinner with his former employer Rupert Murdoch six times, also meeting senior Murdoch henchmen another six times. Mr Gove – whose wife’s career at News International, coincidentally, seems to be flourishing nicely – firmly insists that his honourable aim has always been to learn more about the miraculous educational techniques which have successfully burned the teachings of the Sun and the News Of The World into millions of Britain’s thick.

Nick Clegg informs his party that his nappy needs changing

Even Labour’s Ed Miliband has been summoned by the Murdochs 15 times since winning the Labour Party in a raffle, while poor Mr Clegg can only list a single occasion – in February 2011 – when then-CEO Rebekah Brooks rang him up out of boredom and ordered him to come over and amuse her.

“You’d think Nick might seize this moment to get up on his high horse, breaking up the coalition and forcing a general election which might just save his MPs’ sorry arses, tarring both Labour and the Conservatives with the taint of Murdoch, wouldn’t you?” said a Downing Street insider. “But of course he’ll just sit in his playpen as usual, filling his Pampers and watching Cbeebies. Remember that new chapter in British politics you all voted in last year? Well, there it is.”

Doctors Fear Nick Clegg May Be Clinically Wet

Spot the drip

Medical experts say there is a growing body of evidence to suggest that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has finally succumbed to terminal wetness, as he continues to sit damply at David Cameron’s side, making absolutely no comment whatsoever about the prime minister’s rapidly-increasing vulnerability over his links to News Corporation.

“The first sign that Mr Clegg may in fact be clinically wet came when we heard his testicles drop to the floor under his seat with a squelch, just after the closure of the News Of The World,” explained a doctor (Vince Cable). “We were expecting at least some comment from him on this momentous event, but he just sat there gaping like an idiot.”

“Since then he’s said nothing concerning the revelations about News International’s dodgy relationship with the police - not even when Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson resigned,” he added. “Not a peep when the PM’s close friend Rebekah Brooks was arrested, not a whisper about the lame excuses for inviting Andy Coulson to Chequers after his resignation, and not a dicky bird about Cameron jumping obediently every time News International execs clicked their fingers.”

“In fact… hang on a sec… somebody’s drawn a pair of pupils on his eyelids!” he exclaimed suddenly. “And isn’t that a fly crawling out of his mouth?”

As a damp, foetid pool rapidly oozed out from beneath Mr Clegg towards the rest of his MPs forensic scientists warned that, unless their soggy leader squirted out of his fatal coalition with the toxic prime minister, the entire Lib Dem party could soon find itself dead in the water.

Nick Clegg: The Idiot’s Guide To Share Ownership

1. The value of shares can go up as well as down. Yes, even shares in basket cases like Lloyds TSB and the Royal Bank of Scotland!

2. No, really - it could well happen, if they keep stinging their dozy customers hard enough!

3. In the theoretically possible event of either or both of your free bank shares (worth 51p in the case of RBS, and a whopping 74p for Lloyds!) ever paying an annual dividend, you might conceivably be the lucky recipient of a windfall bonanza worth over one gleaming penny!

Nick’s top tip: if you put it in the name of a family member who is domiciled overseas – like my lovely wife, for example – you won’t even have to pay tax on your bounty!

4. Your share will empower you to take an active role in running your bank. Just obtain the signed agreement of six million other shareholders, and you can call an Emergency General Meeting of the bank and amuse the board of directors with your bright ideas about how to run a banking corporation!

5. And if all this heady Wall Street wheeler-dealing still doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, what could be simpler than selling your share for a cash lump sum to spend as you please? Just pay the broker’s fee (typically £20, but shop around and you could save a few pounds!) and reimburse the treasury for its investment in you, and you’re back to being one of the little people again!

[Editorial note: a stray colon appears to have slipped into this article’s headline. Whoops!]

Number Ten Admits To Making Up Deputy Prime Minister

The cat seems real enough

Staff at 10 Downing Street have admitted that they routinely use false names on official communications, after veteran Labour MP Gerald Kaufman said he had received a reply signed by a “Mr N.Clegg” whom nobody could trace.

“I needed further clarification on a point of order, so I rang Number Ten and asked to speak to this Clegg fellow,” stormed Mr Kaufman. “At first I was fobbed off with some high-handed excuse that Mr Clegg does not speak on the telephone. When I asked if the cat had got his tongue I was put through to the cat, which was no help at all. When I rang back to complain about the cat, somebody finally admitted that Mr Clegg doesn’t actually exist at all. Apparently he was invented for the sole purpose of protecting the prime minister.”

“Real names have not been used on correspondence since 2005 for security reasons,” sniffed a Downing Street spokesman, who gave his name as Ziggy Stardust. “Until a year ago, our made-up fall guy was called ‘Gordon Brown’, and he was outstandingly successful at drawing off attacks which could otherwise have been done an awful lot of damage to Tony Blair.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Cameron Admits Clegg Is Hard Work

Christ, imagine this every bloody morning

Prime minister David Cameron has told reporters that coalition partner Nick Clegg is “hard work”, as the Tories and Liberal Democrats mark the first anniversary of their unholy alliance.

“You have no idea how vexing it is to go into my office to confront the soppy sight of Nick Clegg huddled in a corner every single morning, hugging the waste paper basket and sobbing like a child,” admitted Mr Cameron. “Some days, I tell you, my hand is red raw from slapping his puffy, tear-streaked cheeks and telling him to man up, for god's sake, before somebody points a camera at him.”

“Eventually, of course, I hand him a tissue and he’s so pathetically grateful he’ll spend the rest of the day nodding ridiculously at every word I say,” added the PM. “But it gets to you, it really does. Still, I take comfort from the knowledge that Churchill had five long years of it with Clement Attlee.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Cameron Says Coalition Will Carry On Working Just Fine

The prime minister is very keen to support Mr Clegg

Safely shielded behind the ragged, bullet-riddled corpse of Nick Clegg, a jubilant prime minister David Cameron told reporters today that, although yesterday’s voting had proved to be catastrophic for the Liberal Democrats, nevertheless he was absolutely certain that their coalition partnership with the Tories would last the full parliamentary term and possibly beyond.

“It’s not surprising that Nick’s feeling a little vulnerable right now,” conceded a smiling Mr Cameron, as blood spurted vigorously from the deputy PM’s lolling head, “But I’m sure that, once the dust settles, we can either stitch him up again or come to some arrangement with his successor.”

Analysts predict that, even in a worst-case scenario where any remaining LibDem MPs have learned to give Mr Cameron a wide berth, he will probably be able to tempt Ed Miliband into forming a new coalition by promising faithfully to put Labour first.

This Particular Aspect Of Monarchy Is An Anachronism, Declares Clegg

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg is to ask the rest of the Commonwealth whether the part of Britain’s thousand-year-old monarchy which gives priority to male heirs is merely atavistic baggage from a primitive bygone age which has no place in our modern democratic society, he revealed today.

If only she was a bit older

“In this day and age, it’s frankly ludicrous that a member of our hereditary dynasty of imported Protestant inbreds could reign - not just over Britain, but also the international community of its former colonies - simply because they have a cock and their older sister doesn’t,” pointed out Mr Clegg. “Why on Earth shouldn’t a woman have an equal chance of becoming the acknowledged leader of 30% of the world’s population, as long as she’s the first child of whoever happens to be king or queen at the time?”

“And, of course, it goes without saying that she’d have to give a pretty wide berth to all that Papist mumbo-jumbo about beads and whatnot,” he added.

Mr Clegg says that PM David Cameron is “sympathetic” to his argument, although Mr Cameron was seen in the background pointing to his own genitals with a smirk, then shaking his head and frowning as he pointed at Mr Clegg.

Liberal Democrat backbenchers were quick to agree, saying Mr Clegg had conclusively demonstrated that, these days, it is perfectly possible for a leader to have no balls.

I’m Mobbed By Furtive Admirers Everywhere I Go, Whines Clegg

Between sobs, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg insisted that ordinary members of the public flocked to him everywhere he went, pushing their way through the furtive crush to whisper their embarrassed support for his fearless disregard of every moral principle of the party he leads.

Mr Clegg's heart will go on reminding him of the Titanic

In a tearful interview with Jemima Puddleduck, guest editor of the No Statesman, the LibDem leader also revealed that, tragically, he has only ever played tennis with David Cameron once, despite all the hints he has dropped by turning up at cabinet meetings with a Dunlop sports bag and wearing a sweatband.

“I’m a human being,” sniffed Mr Clegg, as the emotional grunts of Celine Dion played in the background. “I’m not a punchbag, Dave, I’ve got feelings.”

Finally breaking down completely, Mr Clegg ran upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom, wailing, “Imagine how I feel when my children come up to me and innocently ask me: ‘Why are you such a gutless opportunist, papa?’”

Deaf Clegg Scorns Marchers’ Lack Of Alternative Suggestions

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg today scoffed at protesters who will be marching against the coalition government’s austerity measures, demanding to know what policies they would suggest in place of the swingeing cuts and penalisation of the poor, the sick and the disabled which he and prime minister David Cameron are implementing.

Ignoring cries of “Fuck the rich!” he laughingly pointed out that the opposition movement had absolutely no options on offer.

Mr Clegg would really love to hear some fresh ideas

Putting a pair of earbuds in, Mr Clegg reiterated his point that there was no alternative to the coalition’s wholesale axing of public services. As shouts of “Fuck the rich!” reverberated again around Westminster, he calmly placed a large pair of ear defenders on his head and challenged anybody to suggest a different policy.

As repeated chants of “Fuck the rich!” rose in volume, the LibDem leader calmly picked up a jackhammer and began to bounce around Westminster Green, pointing out that he would gladly back any workable alternative to destroying the infrastructure of the nation and making the lives of millions intolerable, if only the protesters could suggest a viable and fair policy that penalised those who had caused the crisis in the first place.

As passing motorists enthusiastically took up the call to fuck the rich, a blissfully oblivious Mr Clegg bounced straight into the path of an oncoming bus and was swiftly carried off to hospital, where expert medical staff say they will work round-the-clock to shout “Fuck the rich!” into his ear, in the faint hope that his comatose conscience might one day wake up.

Just Rest Your Chin On This Post, Lib Dems Tell Clegg

Nurses have nearly mastered the bodyline technique

Senior party figures have just led Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg out onto the stage at their conference in Sheffield, and reassured him that the pole with a cup on top of it is has been thoughtfully provided as a chin rest in order to prevent neck strain.

“There is a tendency for public speakers to move their heads around a lot, as they try to make fleeting eye contact with all sections of the audience,” explained former cabinet minister Dame Shirley Williams. “We wouldn’t want you to do yourself an injury now, would we? Don’t you worry - that’s our job.”

Mr Clegg had previously allowed his hands to be tied firmly behind his back, to minimise the danger of dislocating a shoulder whilst making emphatic hand gestures during his speech.

Earlier, as rank-and-file party members queued outside, they had each been thoughtfully provided with several large cabbages to mark the party’s ongoing commitment to green issues.

“Mr Clegg was also pleased to hear that the LibDems’ NHS Cricket XI have been fastidiously practicing their bowling for weeks,” backbench MP Andrew George told reporters. “In fact, he assured me that he sincerely hopes they will be able to give him a demonstration of their speed and accuracy at the earliest opportunity.”

Clegg: Barnsley Wipeout Shows Lib Dems Remain Committed To Putting Others First

Mr Clegg is now even more eager for May's council elections

A remarkably cheerful Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg told reporters today that his party’s total wipeout at the hands of the Barnsley electorate was a sure sign that the people of Britain were at last beginning to feel the full benefit of his party’s compassionate influence on government policy.

“The message couldn’t be clearer,” insisted the sweating deputy prime minister. “The people of Barnsley Central are so confident that the current number of Liberal MPs is equal to the task of persuading the Conservatives to be nice to everybody that they feel that an extra one would simply have nothing to do all day.”

Asked why even his own party’s candidate had not voted Lib Dem, Mr Clegg clutched his own head for inspiration, biting his lip for several minutes before claiming that this amply demonstrated the selfless humility so typical of his party’s rank-and-file.

“What’s more,” he added desperately, “With only half as many votes as all the other candidates put together, Labour must be filling their pants knowing that it will take a decade at least before anybody forgets how awful things were under Brown and Blair.”

Meanwhile, displaying the same facility with numbers that it applies to immigration, second-placed UKIP told reporters that polling a fifth of the number of votes given to Labour’s candidate proved that, in fact, it was the real winner of the election and would shortly begin gathering a mighty invasion fleet at Barnsley’s Complete Koi and Aquatic Centre to liberate Continental Europe from the goose-stepping jackboot of Hitler.

Oxbridge To Set Up Scumbag College

One truckload of  economy-class proles has already been delivered

Responding to criticism from deputy prime minister Nick Clegg, who warned them that they would be prevented from charging the maximum £9,000 tuition fees unless they “dramatically” improved access for poor people, the universities of Oxford and Cambridge have promised to set up a new, jointly-funded college exclusively for lower-class mongrels.

The new Scumbag College will be sited exactly halfway between the two university towns, on an industrial estate immediately to the north of London Luton Airport.

A broad spectrum of disciplines will be offered to Scumbag’s ghastly undergraduates, according to dons. The hi-tech Science Car Park will offer Idiotics, Applied Violence, Xbox Studies and Psychoology; the Arts and Humanities warehouse will cover traditional courses such as Freeview Studies, Bad Language, Graffiti History and Play-Doh Sculpture; and the Scumbag Business Shed will teach Politics and Banking.

“A tear-off qualification from Scumbag will have exactly the same value as a real degree from any of the more respectable Oxford and Cambridge colleges,” promised Mr Clegg. “In the language of its intended customer base, that’s 27 big ones squire - only upfront, if you don’t mind, as a smack in the mouth often offends.”

LibDems Make Soothing Baby Noises At Students

Don't wee all over Mr Clegg, now

As protests continue today over proposals to hike tuition fees, there are signs that senior LibDem members of the coalition government are making efforts to patronise students. Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg leaned over this morning, put a finger to his lips and made amusing burbling noises, while business secretary Vince Cable made a sad face and offered them a sweet.

“I don’t like that man with the scary big forehead,” NUS president Aaron Porter told reporters, “He told me one or two students from really poor families might have slightly smaller debts than everyone else, but that’s no help to me and my friends.”

“And the baldy man thinks I’m going to gurgle with delight because he said he might not vote for his own silly idea,” he scowled. “Well, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m 2, and I’ve got a badge that says so. The Lib Dems must think we’re stupid.”

A Lib Dem spokesman later asked why, if students weren’t stupid, they had believed that voting Liberal Democrat in May’s election would change anything.

“Besides, we’ve had a look at the A-level curriculum they all got A* grades in,” he added with a grin. “I ran it by my dog. He doesn’t even realise his tail is attached to him until he sinks his teeth into it, and he got Bs.”