“Faced with the Sisyphean task of mastering the apostrophe, the entire social networking generation, hordes of vehemently (look it up) self-diagnosed dyslexics and a legion of poetry slammers could be looking at a lifetime of hard labour,” smirked the authoritarian leader of the feared linguistic police - known to his admiring minions as the Grammar Hitler.
|I'll give you "Sir is a looser", Mrs Thompson|
Under the education secretary’s master plan, after two futile years of struggling to comprehend their native language, the hapless returners will face the nightmare of having to learn a foreign language - possibly the dreaded polysyllabic horror known as German.
“My scheme will, of course, undergo a rigorous public consultation before the planned implementation date of 2014,” beamed Mr Gove, resplendent in the black uniform of a Sturmbanngrammatiker. “That shouldn’t be a problem, though; only submissions which are 100% correct will be considered.”