Friday, 1 June 2012

Lords Of The Admiralty, Emma And The Queen Mum Conspired Darkly Against Punk Festival, Claim Anarcho-Organisers

Fans of punk music left disappointed and out-of-pocket by the last-minute cancellation of Bath’s ‘Last Jubilee’ festival this weekend have been told by organisers Bellsonit Non-Events that dark forces of authority – rumoured to be an unholy alliance of the Five Sea Lords, genteel fictional character Emma Woodhouse and the late Queen Mother – secretly conspired to prevent the dog-on-a-string event which undoubtedly threatened to tear down the entire rotten edifice of state authority.

You wanted anarchy - you got anarchy
“Using SO-CALLED health and safety LEGISLATION whose ‘legitimacy’ we, naturally, do not recognise,” Bellsonit posted on their website, “Dark ESTABLISHMENT figures on the COUNCIL made ridiculous claims like ‘well, that’ll be nice’ and pathetic DEMANDS such as ‘if you need any advice, give our helpline a ring’ which were clearly intended to MAKE US forget to sign any contracts, which incidentally are designed solely to reinforce BLIND OBEDIENCE to artificial HIERARCHIES, or pay anyone with evil CRAPitalist tokens of OPPRESSION.”

Bemused officers at Bath & North East Somerset Council, meanwhile, have expressed a keen interest in seeing the Cancellation Notice the organisers insist was served on them by the local authority, as they have never seen one before because there is no such thing.

“To say we are out of pocket is a massive understatement,” Bellsonit told thousands of irate fans, who have handed over up to £125 each for a ticket.

Their website was subsequently updated, replacing the word ‘understatement’ with ‘porky’.

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