Gove To Send Red-Covered Wall Map Of British Empire To Every School

Britain’s schools are to be reset to 1951, education secretary Michael Gove announced today in assembly.

Showing off the black gown and leather-elbowed tweed jacket uniform which all teachers will be required to wear, Mr Gove outlined the reintroduction of O-levels, sums, daily beatings, copying out entire chapters from textbooks and a big wallmap in every classroom showing the glorious extent of the British Empire in red.

Wrong. Guess again

In addition, no pupil will be allowed to leave school until they have displayed full mastery of copperplate script – written with a dip pen held, as God intended, in their right hand.

Builders have already appeared in every school playground this morning, cementing newly-redundant computers together to form walls in the middle of playgrounds which will keep boys and girls segregated. The computers are being replaced by manual typewriters, which are to be reserved for the sole use of the brightest girls in the sixth form, and pupils will be expected to spend their brief lunch breaks smoking furtively in the toilets.

Mr Gove also revealed plans to reintroduce bullying, which he described as a “character-building” preparation for the rest of their lives.

Primary School Grammar And Spelling Lessons To Be Enforced Retroactively

Unemployment will soon be abolished at a stroke, say Britain’s cock-a-hoop grammar Nazis, as education secretary Michael Gove announced plans not only to make primary-school pupils competent in both spelling and grammar, but also to apply the requirement retroactively to everyone under the age of 65.

“Faced with the Sisyphean task of mastering the apostrophe, the entire social networking generation, hordes of vehemently (look it up) self-diagnosed dyslexics and a legion of poetry slammers could be looking at a lifetime of hard labour,” smirked the authoritarian leader of the feared linguistic police - known to his admiring minions as the Grammar Hitler.

I'll give you "Sir is a looser", Mrs Thompson

“Think not merely in terms of our emptied Jobcentres; think, too, of the millions of freshly-vacated jobs available to those of us acquainted with the homonym and the semi-colon once the nation’s semi-literate dullards have been forced out of work and into very small chairs,” he shrieked. “Indeed, Mr Gove might want to make an early start on the teaching profession, I might add, with a punitive remedial category for the ones who bleat about ‘stifling creativity’.”

Under the education secretary’s master plan, after two futile years of struggling to comprehend their native language, the hapless returners will face the nightmare of having to learn a foreign language - possibly the dreaded polysyllabic horror known as German.

“My scheme will, of course, undergo a rigorous public consultation before the planned implementation date of 2014,” beamed Mr Gove, resplendent in the black uniform of a Sturmbanngrammatiker. “That shouldn’t be a problem, though; only submissions which are 100% correct will be considered.”

‘What The Hell Do You Think You’re Playing At?’ Former Murdoch Hack Asks Leveson

Education secretary and, coincidentally, former News International hack Michael Gove today accused the Leveson Inquiry of being nothing but a disgraceful waste of time and money, motivated purely by spite and probably orchestrated by the Socialist Workers’ Party.

This berk belongs to Rupert Murdoch

“I am unashamedly on the side of the great god Murdoch, one of the most significant figures in our planet’s history, who says we should think very carefully before crossing him,” grovelled Mr Gove impassionedly.

“The predictable moan of ‘Something must be done about untouchable media moguls’ corrupt lackeys riding a coach and horses over the rights of ordinary members of the public on an industrial scale, with the connivance of our institutionally corrupt police forces’ often leads to people doing something which isn't always wise,” he continued reverently, kneeling before a shrine featuring the last edition of the News Of The World. “Like this jumped-up kangaroo court, for example.”

Quivering with righteous indignation, Mr Gove then leapt to his feet, pointed an accusing finger at Lord Leveson and demanded: “Why don’t you go home and do something with your life, Trotsky, instead of harassing a poor defenceless old man? Something must be done about you.”

Schoolies To Program Next Generation Of Timewasting Shit

Launching a consultation into the future of ICT teaching in Britain’s schools, education secretary Michael Gove proclaimed a vision where, instead of futile wasted years of trying to learn the basics of the English language, the nation’s teenagers will be encouraged to learn a rudimentary programming language instead so they can code the timewasting successors to mind-numbing crap like Furious Moles, Bread Karate and Incontinent Auntie.

Homework innit

“There’s really very little to be gained by merely showing today’s teens how to use Word because, let’s face it, they’re illiterate,” explained Mr Gove. “English, with its onerous grammar, spelling and vocabulary, has now moved far beyond human comprehension. Let’s dream up a rudimentary programming language instead, with a vocabulary comprising just a handful of simple drag-and-drop icons for operations such as GO, PICK UP, HIT, DROP, USE and BANG, so they can create millions of tedious but addictive new apps for your phone.”

Pupils are already bursting with enthusiasm for Mr Gove’s innovative new approach to computing.

“i gots this brillent ideer were its like Scrabo exep them horibo leters is blow up by mere cats,” budding software engineer Sammi-Jo Potts tweeted the Nev Filter. “mum recons shed nevr git a minits work dun eva agen #crapps”.

Knowing Exam Answers Still Not Improving Teachers’ Ability To Teach

Year 10 insist they know it all anyway

Teachers have responded to the Daily Telegraph’s exposé of exam boards coaching teachers with the answers to their exams by pointing out that they already know stuff, but that doesn’t mean they can actually get any of it across.

“I’ve tried everything, including writing model answers on toasted cheese sandwiches and feeding them to Year 10 sentence by sentence,” said haggard history teacher Gill Evans. “Nothing seems to work. If Michael Gove thinks that what I know in any way influences what these things scrawl on their answer papers, he should bloody come down here and try punching the simplest fact through their thick heads.”

Asked for their thoughts, pupils replied “woteva” and were immediately awarded an A grade.

No Bad Blood Towards Euro-Referendum Bastards, Hisses Cameron

Mr Cameron insists he and the rebels share common ground

Speaking through worn-down teeth, prime minister David Cameron said there was “no bad blood” towards the 81 rebellious members of his own party who last night stuck two fingers up at his three-line whip over calls for a referendum on Europe, although he did not rule out emptying a bucket of steaming offal over their heads as soon as the media’s attention is seized by the next bright shiny thing.

“There's no bad blood, no rancour, no bitterness,” he seethed. “These disloyal, backstabbing shits are valued Conservative colleagues. Fuck my luck.”

Leading cabinet Eurohater Michael Gove’s big wobbly head, meanwhile, filled the nation’s TV screens to crow: “It’s not a humiliation. Except to our lame duck of a prime minister, of course, who must surely be wondering whether the time has finally come to spend more time with his inheritance and hand over the reins to a statesman with the guts, and perhaps the big brainy head, needed to tell Hitler’s Fourth Reich what’s what.”

Education Secretary Sets New Standard In English

Education minister Michael Gove today unveiled a radical new standard in English for schools to follow, which scholars of linguistics have tentatively labelled ‘making words up as you go along’.

Launching what promises to be the first of many innovative and incomprehensible noises, Mr Gove pledged that the controversial new ‘free’ schools the Tories have set up would have “no space for teaching of wackoidal theories” based on religious beliefs (or possibly ‘wackodial’, as reporters struggle to get to grips with his new coinage).

Out of the mouths of babes and Oxford-educated Cabinet ministers...

According to experts, the stem of Mr Gove’s peculiar new sound seems to be the slang expression ‘wack’ – meaning either ‘lame’ or ‘sorry-ass’, ‘to masturbate’, or ‘indicating low or dubious quality’.

“The term is frequently used aggressively by rappers in their self-styled ‘hairstyling’ battles,” observed Dr. Mortimer Strangelove, a veteran Oxford English Dictionary lexicographer. “The ‘-oid’ suffix indicates that the object being described in some way resembles one or more definitions of ‘wack’, but unfortunately this does not help us to decipher which particular meaning is intended.”

“More helpfully, however, -al’, the other suffix used by Mr Gove, can be added to verbs to turn them into nouns, e.g. to confess - confession - confessional,” he droned on. “Therefore, since the only verb definition of ‘wack’ is ‘to masturbate’, it would appear that the education secretary is, in his sadly inarticulate way, attempting to reassure the nation that free schools will be barred from teaching children anything which resembles a religious theory of masturbation.”

“I’m sure this information will be of great comfort to parents,” he added sagely. “If Michael Gove carries on making bizarre noises, do give me a shout.”