Detectives Rule Out Love As Motive For Shooting Man In Head At Point Blank Range

Anuj Bidve, the Indian student gunned down in Salford on Boxing Day, was definitely not murdered for love, according to the Greater Manchester Police after three days of inspired detective work.

“Evenin’ all. I gather some folks round here are suggesting that the shooting of this gentleman might possibly be some sort of hate crime,” explained Detective Chief Inspector Savage, who is leaving no stone unturned in his dogged quest to uncover the truth, or at least something which might bear a passing resemblance to it in court. “Although, I have to say, the five chaps we’ve arrested all seem like perfectly decent young lads to me.”

Greater Manchester Police detectives gathering evidence

In another twist, it has lately been brought to the attention of the police by concerned members of the local community that Mr Bidve was other than white.

“I honestly hadn’t noticed because naturally, like all police officers, I wouldn’t dream of jumping to any conclusions based on someone’s colour,” explained DCI Savage with a grin. “But this new information suggests an obvious explanation - the chap who fired the gun simply didn’t see him standing in the way, what with him being so dusky and everything. However, I suppose it could conceivably be that race might be some sort of factor in this crime. I mean he was asking for trouble really, wasn’t he, walking down a respectable British street with skin like that.”

“I think it’s called ‘contributory negligence’ nowadays,” he ventured. “Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t end up charging this openly foreign ne’er-do-well with his own murder.”

Rest Of Britain Supposed To Thank Thatcher For Not Shooting Everyone In Liverpool

Thatcher could have prevented this. But she didn't

Following the release of cabinet papers under the 30-year rule, that part of Britain which is not Scouse is wondering today if it is really expected to thank Mrs Thatcher for not sending tooled-up police and the army into Liverpool at the height of the 1981 riots with orders to execute the entire population, starting with its iconic comedy tax fiddler, Ken Dodd.

Meanwhile, the people of Liverpool itself are wondering what it was that happened to their beloved city during the subsequent nine years, given that Mrs Thatcher apparently rejected the advice of then-chancellor Sir Geoffrey Howe and other cabinet ministers to abandon the city to a “managed decline”.

“Ey! Ey! P’raps she juss didden laik th’ ‘managed’ paaht. Ey!” squeaked some objectionable professional Scouser, possibly John Bishop.

Where’s Wallies?

The only wally anyone's seen for a week is fourth from the right

Yes, it’s the picture-book craze that’s sweeping Britain! Will you be the first player to spot the hidden wallies - including David Cameron, George Osborne, William Hague, Theresa May and all the other Conservative cabinet members, who have been completely absent from public view since Christmas Eve?

Features dozens of elaborately- drawn crowd scenes, including:

- Klosters, the posh people’s skiing resort!
- Ladyboy lapdancing club in downtown Bangkok!
- Royal family’s festive bird-slaughtering jamboree at Sandringham!
- Weeping and wailing at Kim Jong-il's funeral!
- Falkland Islands penguin colony!

Stay At Home, NHS Trusts Tell Non-Private Patients

There is no clinical need for many poor people to ever set foot inside an NHS hospital again, according to NHS Confederation chief Mike Farrar, now that the government has allowed 49% of hospital beds to be allocated to paying customers who want a new pair of tits.

Think of the convenience

“Hospitals play a vital role but we do rely on them for some services which could be provided elsewhere, i.e. all the unprofitable stuff,” explained Mr Farrar. “For example, most people own a perfectly good bed which, if it was put up on blocks, could easily double as a damned comfortable operating table.”

The organisation, which represents the nation’s NHS service providers and commissioners, says that its members' staff are perfectly capable of carrying out much of their work in patients’ homes, possibly for up to ten minutes a day.

“Especially converting your TV, radio, computer and phone to pay-to-use,” smiled Mr Farrar. “After we’ve put you under for your in-house triple bypass op with Strictly Come Dancing or The Apprentice, the use of your consumer electronics will cost you a very reasonable fiver a day until you’re up and about again.”

“Unless, of course, you’re happy to starve to death whilst trying to order up a pizza by semaphore from your bedroom window,” he added.

Human Resources Managers Still No Closer To Understanding That Resource They Manage

A typical HR manager

HR managers have given a seasonal demonstration of the legendary empathy and motivational skills which got them where they are today, by telling you that 2012 will be the worst year of your entire life.

The Chartered Institute Of Personnel And Development today forecast that you are definitely getting dumped on the scrapheap next year if you work in the public sector, and even if you don’t you will be hammered with intolerable performance targets as private-sector bosses blithely expect you to add the duties of everyone who retires to your unmanageable workload.

“Happy new year, scum,” said the CIPD’s John Philboots, as he booked himself onto another people-hating skills development beano in Antigua.

47% Of UK Hoping To Emigrate To Deep-Sea Vents

If you're not working with him, you'll be working for him

Almost half of the population of the United Kingdom is thinking about leaving the country for good and relocating to a smoking volcanic ridge at the bottom of the one of the deepest oceans, after researchers released dramatic new footage proving beyond all doubt that these challenging environments are the only places left on earth where life is positively thriving.

“Britain’s screwed. Europe’s screwed. America’s screwed. All of Western civilisation is screwed. Japan’s screwed, and now it looks like the wheels are even coming off China,” observed market analyst Rob Blind. “Let’s face it, if Brazil is now the sixth strongest economy in the world - and remember, quite a lot of Brazilians are running round the jungle bollock naked with blowpipes – things don’t exactly augur well for the rest of us.”

Meanwhile, it seems that many Britons are of the opinion that if sea cucumbers, scaly-footed snails and yeti crabs are the only culture on the planet which is actually prospering, then perhaps it might be better to be with them than against them.

“Oh well, I always hoped that one day I’d be able to retire somewhere nice and warm all year round,” reflected Jim Gage, a recently-redundant buildings inspector as he packed his swimming trunks and a snorkel.

Nixon Was Black Vietcong Lesbian Jewish Draft Dodger, Claims Man With Book To Sell

An author who very much wants you to give him $25.99 insists that disgraced US president Richard Milhous Nixon may well have secretly been an actively black, Jewish, lesbian member of the Vietcong who for years ran the United States from across the Canadian border, it emerged today in newspapers in lieu of actual news.

Goddammit, Nixon

“The evidence is all there if you look for it,” explained Don Fulshit, “In a 6-point footnote on page 193 of my soon-to-be-bestseller, ‘Nixon’s Darkest Secrets’ (Thomas Dunne Books, $25.99), out next month.”

Fulshit also claims that, as a young US naval officer in World War II, the fanatical Shinto-worshipping Nixon personally guided kamikaze pilots onto the decks of every warship on which he served. After the war, he adds, a disillusioned but now radically-suntanned Nixon turned to communism and was recruited by the KGB, who ordered him to become the first black vice-president of the United States and help Senator ‘Red Joe’ McCarthy to plant communist sympathisers throughout Washington and Hollywood.

Goddammit, Nixon

It was during this period, says Fulshit, that the sexually-ambivalent Nixon was surgically transformed into a buxom woman and had a string of hushed-up lesbian affairs with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Doris Day.

1960, however, was a turning point in Nixon’s career of treachery. Disgusted by her arch-enemy John F Kennedy’s election victory, Nixon fled to Vietnam - where her communist fervour soon saw her leading Viet Cong assaults first against the French, and later her own countrymen.

Goddammit, Nixon

Returning as president to the United States after rigging the 1968 election with hundreds of forged megavotes, Nixon’s first supreme act of wanton treachery was to shamefully transfer the White House to Thunder Bay, Ontario to avoid military service. From then on, she dedicated her time in office to sabotaging the US military campaign in Vietnam – ordering USAF B-52s to airdrop bicycles on the Ho Chi Minh trail, for example - before her career of ignominy was finally brought to a close after she was discovered in the boiler room of Winnipeg’s exclusive Watergate Hotel, circumcising babies in Yiddish with a potato peeler.

“I am often asked, ‘Didn’t Nixon have any redeeming features?’” reflected Fulshit. “Well, I’ll say one thing for the old rogue: according to my meticulous research, she was absolutely incapable of lying.”

Tube Drivers Helping Londoners Not To Spend Last Few Pounds

Don't do it

London Underground’s train drivers are desperately trying to persuade the capital’s population to keep that last pound or two of their overdraft facilities for a rainy day, by selflessly refusing to transport them to the sales.

“If you add up all the odd pounds that Londoners could be spending today, it adds up to millions,” explained ASLEF general secretary Mick Notwhelan. “These days, that’s a tidy sum. Our members reckon it would be prudent for London to hang onto it in case it's needed for something really important, such as paying them even more for the terrible chore of doing their jobs during the Olympics.”

Members of the public are not entirely convinced by the drivers’ cautionary plan, though.

“Want… bargain…” grunted optimistic consumers as they tried to push their Central Line tube train from Epping to Tottenham Court Road, driven by the unlikely conviction that iPads might be reduced to three for £1.99.

Prince Philip Still Not Dead

The Duke of Edinburgh's spiritual mentor

A grateful Britain is receiving half-hourly updates on the continuing earthly existence of Prince Philip, as he gains inspiration from Holiday On The Buses whilst recovering from routine keyhole surgery at the world’s leading heart hospital.

Meanwhile, at Sandringham, according to the Duke’s wishes the rest of the royal family are dutifully blasting every bird they clap their eyes on to kingdom come, hoping to convince God to spare the ailing patriarch by offering up the largest one-day avian sacrifice in history.

“Have you come far?” the Queen asked a rare pectoral sandpiper blown across the Atlantic by hurricane-force winds, as she rammed her gold-plated 12-bore into its beak and let fly with both barrels.

Royal Consort Recovering As Well As Unimaginable Privilege Will Allow

The Queen thinks this is what ambulances look like

After being airlifted by the RAF to Papworth General’s world-leading heart surgery unit hospital for a routine stent fitting which your nan might well die waiting for, Prince Philip is reported by surgeons to be about as comfortable as you would expect Britain’s most pampered man to be.

The Queen has visited her husband in hospital this morning, where he is said by Palace officials to be sitting up and entertaining African nurses and the Portuguese ancillary staff alike with urbane witticisms concerning their physical characteristics and cultural backgrounds.

Meanwhile, sound editors at the BBC have spent a sleepless night creating a backup version of the Queen’s Speech, just in case, in which the word ‘late’ is dubbed in every time Her Majesty utters her famous catchphrase, “my husband and I” in between the meaningless platitudes which she fondly imagines will cast from her subjects’ minds any thoughts of the ever-widening disparity between her lifestyle and the one they can look forward to after the credit card statements land on their doormats.

Deceased Science Fiction Author Robert Sheckley Named Investigative Reporter Of The Year

Cliff Alive And Available For Weddings, Funerals, Bar Mitzvahs

Sir Cliff Richard today reminded the public that he is still very much alive, and would very much welcome the opportunity to sing at your special occasion.

Sir Cliff can bring his own backcloth, too, for added glitz

“I can bring my own amp and backing tape and everything,” promised the lizard-throated God botherer. “Very reasonable rates. Just sit me next to a mains socket and I can set up in a jiffy. Perhaps you’re organising the office Christmas party this evening, and Lady Gaga has cancelled at the last minute. Give me a call. Please. I can definitely fit you in.”

For an extra fiver, Sir Cliff says he will also chuck in Una Stubbs.

“And I promise not to bang on about Jesus,” he added earnestly. “Not while the mic’s plugged in, anyway.”

Daily Mail Now Openly Admitting That It Makes Stuff Up

The Mail says: give that man a VC

As Dominic Sandbrook, Britain’s leading historian specialising in events which will probably never happen, pens another speculative what-if daydream in which heroic Prince Harry is captured by the wicked Argies whilst single-handedly reconquering the Falkland Islands, Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre finally admitted that the paper has in fact been a work of fiction ever since its very first issue in 1896.

“The trouble with real events is that, even after they've been raised to boiling point inside Peter Hitchens’ and Stephen Glover's steaming heads, they simply aren’t dramatic enough,” explained Mr Dacre. “So from now on I’ll be vigorously excising any stray shreds of truth which may have slipped into our reporting. Our readers won’t notice the difference, as they parted company with the real world years ago.”

He went on to announce the sacking of the Mail’s entire staff, to be replaced by leading storytellers such as JK Rowling, Dan Brown and Julian Assange.

“Don’t miss tomorrow’s thrilling lead story, in which we exclusively reveal the unspeakably foreign Nazi Pope’s evil web of intrigue which falsely implicated Harry Potter in the rape of Hogwarts’ exchange student from Sweden,” he added, “And how it will give you cancer.”

Christmas The Perfect Time To Tell A Loved One ‘You Fat Bastard’, Say Hollow-Cheeked Miseries

Dad, you fat bastard

Shrew-faced health experts today urged you to save the lives of any family members who actually enjoy food, by calling them bloated, waddling gutbuckets as they gorge themselves on Christmas turkey.

“Nothing is more distressing than the morbid slobbering of fat fucks at Christmas,” hissed Dave Hashole, chairman of the National Obesity Forum. “It’s enough to put you off your sprout.”

Concerned family members are urged to prevent an imminent death in the family by tutting loudly every time the family fatty shovels another mouthful in, prodding them repeatedly in the flab and pointedly asking their partners how they can possibly engage in sexual activity with that repellent mound of quivering blubber.

“Remember, cautioned Mr Hashole, pedalling furiously on his exercise bike in the forlorn hope of living forever, “Nothing gives a dear but porky relative more Christmas cheer than ‘Jesus Christ! Can’t you just stop eating for five minutes, you disgusting fat fucker?’”

Sony Creates Tiny Fan To Replace Millions Of Displeased Customers

Dissatisfied fans

As hordes of irate Japanese PlayStation Vita purchasers catalogued defect after defect in the newly-launched handheld console and a class-action lawsuit was filed in California by PlayStation Network users against the gagging clause the corporation has inserted into its terms and conditions, Sony engineers defiantly unveiled the only fan which still has reason to be grateful to the consumer electronics giant – a tiny two-inch propeller which is driven by the electricity generated by a battery containing paper-digesting enzymes.

Satisfied fan

“You ungrateful bastards,” announced project engineer Yuichi Tokita. “We transform your miserable existence with our revolutionary inventions, like portable colour televisions and the Walkman - and this is the thanks we get? Once again, out of the kindness of our hearts, we have sweated blood to improve your pathetic ant-like lives with this beautiful three-bladed propeller, but all you can do is moan. Well, fuck you. From now on, all future research will be directed solely towards selling Sony products to this nice, uncomplaining little fan.”

The press conference was then brought to an early close as the enzyme-powered generator – like previous Sony batteries – suddenly exploded.

Police Can Shoot Suspected Bogus Carol Singers

Shoot to kill

Police today urged the public to look out for opportunistic thieves posing as charity carol singers, promising to give anyone suspected of singing ‘Away In A Manger’ in an insincere manner both barrels.

“Season’s greetings, all. If you don’t care for the tone of anyone who rocks up on your doorstep rattling a tin in your face, just give us a quick jingle bell and the Armed Response Unit will be round in a jiffy to blast the cheeky fuckers to kingdom come,” said Chief Inspector of Constabulary Sir Denis O’Connor.

“Ho ho ho,” he added festively.

Talking Dog To Split

It's Amy Winehouse all over again

YouTube’s sensational talking dog today shocked fans by announcing that he is breaking up at the peak of his career.

“I need some time out to deal with my sudden rise to fame,” explained the dog celebrity. “I will be checking into the Priory clinic to deal with my food addiction issues, and when I am recovered I shall be looking at various media career options. Presenting Daybreak on ITV is just one exciting possibility I’ll be exploring.”

Meanwhile, a radiant Katie Price told reporters she is expecting the dog’s child.

Posthumous Fame Can Be Yours!

North Koreans Convinced Shortage Of Tributes Signifies Imminent Collapse Of Decadent Capitalist Telephone Networks

The lack of fulsome tributes to Kim Jong-il from the rest of the world offers clear evidence that the obsolete capitalist system is finally on its last legs, according to many grieving North Koreans.

Pyongyang's foreign office is waiting to take your call

“For many years now, it’s only been the fatherly advice of the Dear Leader that has kept the outside world from descending into rack and ruin,” explained skeletal swamp-farmer Hong Gil-dong. “Within hours of his tragic demise, it appears the shoddily-built Western communication satellites are already tumbling from the skies. I almost feel sorry for the weeping dictators of the West as they sit forlornly by their dead telephones, unable to contact our glorious paradise on earth to express their pathetic gratitude for the late Supreme Leader’s inspirational statesmanship and to grovel for the Great Successor’s wisdom and guidance.”

“This latest manifest failure of capitalism isn’t surprising,” he added. “After all, we’re still waiting patiently for the criminally bourgeois postal systems of the West to pass on all your solemn condolences for the glorious passing of the Eternal President, and that was 17 years ago.”

“I heard this morning that our Father’s demise has triggered the wholesale collapse of the evil capitalist stock markets,” smiled Paek Sung-hee, a painfully thin bicycle repairer from Pyongyang. “It’s what he would have wanted.”

World Promises To Get Round To Seeing One Of Havel’s Plays Soon

Communism simply had no answer to this

Following the death of former Czech dissident, playwright and finally president Vaclav Havel, the world faithfully promised it really ought to watch - or at least read – one or two of his legendary plays sometime in the near future.

“Vaclav Havel has truly been an inspiration to me,” said a man in a street today. “My daily life has been informed and enriched by his incredible works, such as the unforgettable… um… and the deeply moving… er…”

“Pennies From Heaven,” he added. “That was one of his, wasn’t it?”

Tory-Toasting Nazi Sacked For Bringing Party Into Disrepute

Schwein

Backbench Nazi Aidan von Burley has been sacked from his parliamentary post by Hitler and placed under SS investigation, after being photographed toasting the Conservative Party during the stag weekend of a friend who was dressed as a Tory.

“Von Burley has behaved in a manner which is offensive and foolish,” said a Party spokesman in a propaganda broadcast. “Just because the Tories happen to share our views on disability doesn’t make them acceptable.”

Meanwhile, Herr Hitler - who recently used the Burning of the Mobelstag as an excuse for mass arrests - has announced a doubling of the security budget for the Olympiad to cover massive Wehrmacht deployment in and around the Olympische Dorf, raising fears that he will usurp the sporting ethos of the event as a showcase for his vaunting military ambitions. He also warned that any disabled athletes daring to participate in the Paralympic Games will be followed around track and field by the dreaded interrogators of the Atostapo.

Christian Cameron Struggles With ‘Doubts’ Over Big Theological Issues - Compassion, Humility, Hope, Morality

In a speech proclaiming himself a committed - if vague - churchgoer in a Christian Britain, prime minister David Cameron frankly admitted that he is “full of doubts” about weighty theological issues such as the teachings of Jesus.

We've all got our doubts

“Like most good Christians, I struggle with some of the more abstract concepts,” he said. “I mean, this compassion for the poor – what’s that all about? Don’t we each have to work at our own salvation? And what on earth did Jesus want to heal cripples for? If you’ve cured all the sick people, who do you blame for everything? Anyway, I bet they were all putting on an act, just to get a bit of sympathy. Jesus was a decent sort of chap, sure, but a bit gullible.”

Mr Cameron also acknowledged some difficulties in understanding the notion of Christian charity, apart from the ones who ask him for money to set up the sort of school which insists that science has it all wrong about the dinosaurs.

“One thing I reckon I have got my noddle around, though, is that stuff about giving away all your wealth if you want to enter the kingdom of heaven,” he added brightly. “That’s why I’m throwing all the cash in the Treasury at the consultants, the bankers, the service sector, the private healthcare providers, the construction industry, the train operating companies and anybody else with a nicely-tailored suit. I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus would do.”

Wrong Hitchens Dead: God Resigns

After blowing the key theological principle of divine infallibility out of the water by calling the wrong Hitchens brother unto his bosom, God today called a press conference to announce his immediate resignation and the permanent closing down of Heaven.

God, you idiot

“What can I say? I cocked up,” admitted the creator of the universe. “Removing Christopher Hitchens, one of humanity’s few remaining intellectual giants, from the earth whilst leaving his loony brother Peter behind to torment you offers the clearest possible proof that I simply do not exist. Christopher has been making this point crystal clear to me since he died, and I have to admit he’s got me there.”

“Bill Hicks backed him up, too, when I delivered his birthday card,” added God sheepishly.

In the absence of an all-powerful deity and an afterlife, God expressed the hope that the human race might finally start treating each other with a bit of respect and dignity - although he acknowledged that, with hindsight, this was another area in which he has failed miserably.

Phase 1 Of Boris' Vision Of London Rolled Out

Cameron Not Giving Problem Families £3733 Because They’ll Only Spend It On Drugs And Guns

Unveiling a £448m package aimed at 120,000 of Britain’s most dysfunctional families, prime minister David Cameron stopped short of actually giving them each a share of the cash, claiming they would only spend the money on drugs, guns, knives and a set of safecracking tools.

Mr Cameron has high hopes for the Angel Gang

Instead, the money – which is being diverted from budgets aimed at helping people who give a shit – will be used to raise a legion of social-work magicians, each of whom will be granted the mystical ability to transform their allotted scum into productive and responsible members of society with a wave of their special Cameron Wand.

“Each of these sociopathic ruffians will also be magically granted the ability to vote Conservative,” smiled Mr Cameron.

Astronomers Spot Black Hole Sucking In Vast Cloud Of Money

Researchers at the European Southern Observatory today published stunning pictures showing the enormous black hole at the centre of our galaxy spectacularly swallowing all the money in the universe.

“We’ve known for a couple of years now that all of the money that has ever existed since the dawn of creation is disappearing at a phenomenal rate,” explained top space guy Randy Von Braun. “But this is the first time we’ve actually been lucky enough to see economic entropy happening right in front of our eyes. Look! There goes Greece’s entire GDP for the next 500 years! Puff - and it’s gone forever!”

It's Fred the Shred!

“Nobody knows for sure what - if anything - can exist within the enormous gravitational forces inside a black hole,” he added. “But recent advances in quantum physics lead us to believe it may well be a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland.”

World Wants Higgs-Boson Particle For Christmas

Everyone in the world is on tenterhooks today, waiting to hear whether the elusive Higgs-Boson particle has finally been found and, if so, whether they can order one in time for Christmas.

My particle is way cooler than yours

“I don’t actually know much about this Higgs thing or what it’s supposed to do,” admitted technology addict Josh Geake. “But I heard it’s very small and scientists have spent a huge amount of money trying to discover it, so it must be incredibly desirable. Therefore I need to get my hands on one as soon as it becomes available, so I can boast to all my envious friends about how it’s completely changed my life.”

“It it Flash-compatible?” he demanded hopefully.

Emin Made Perfesser Of Drorin

World-renowned manky installation-art slapper Tracey Emin will be on the sauce tonight, London was warned, celebrating her appointment by the Royal Academy as Perfesser of Drorin Stuff N Shit.

The professor is in, but only just

Although Emin initially rose to international fame for her post-modern deconstruction of the outmoded concept of ‘houseproud’, her avant-garde reputation was soon cemented by several inspired piss-artworks she presented on late-night arts discussion programmes. She has also recently dashed off some daubs for the London Olympics, 10 Downing Street’s back loo and the Royal College of Art’s bargain postcard sale.

“Perfesser Tracey’s faux-naïf wielding of a pencil, once she’s worked out which end works best, will inspire a new generation of art students to see just how much they might get away with in the name of self-promotion beyond the call of ability,” explained Eileen Cooper, the new head of the Royal Academy schools. “For example, I myself seem to have got clean away with using this publicity stunt to tell the world how jolly important my appointment is.”

Meanwhile, a delighted Ms Emin blew out a statement, explaining that she was “reely ecsited 2 b teechin agin arfter so many yeers. Larst time i tort sumby sumfin wuz wen i shode my art teetcher how 2 paent wiv my bum. It wuz tipacly brilyent if I sa so meselve. Hic.”

Have You Seen Little Nicholas?

Little Nicky has no idea of the dangers of the real world

Concerns are growing for the welfare of little Nicholas Clegg, 44, who has been missing from his House of Commons since yesterday.

Little Nicky’s picture has been circulated to transport police amid fears that he may try to hitch-hike to Europe hoping to stay with his penpal, his Spanish wife Miriam.

Young Nicholas had seemed somewhat sullen and confused for days, according to his Guardian – sobbing to his Sunday School teacher, Mr Marr, that he was afraid of being “isolated and marginalised” but still insisting that he was OK and nothing was the matter.

“He told me he was just popping along to the parliamentary sweet shop to get a great big gobstopper for his friend David, and nobody’s seen him since,” said the young runaway’s distraught Uncle Vince, in a distressing attempt to appeal to the public. “He can’t have run away to join the circus, because he’s already in one.”

Town Centres Already Are Run Like Businesses, Councils Tell Interfering Hag

Frankly, this crumbling old facade is just depresssing

Local councils, which professional busybody Mary Fartas didn’t bother to consult when writing her report on Britain’s high streets, have taken issue with her argument that they ought to be run more like businesses.

“Our town centres already follow the classic British business model,” insisted the Local Government Association. “The customer gets ripped off, everything’s falling apart and it’s all being closed down.”

People Who Wanted To Win Contest Happy About Winning Contest

Some young women who entered a contest on telly hoping to win it said today that they were very pleased to have won it, according to all news media today.

The pinnacle of human achievement

Not in other headlines:

Britain Launches Nuclear Arsenal At Europe

World War 3 Kicks Off In Russia, Syria, DR Congo, Ivory Coast, Egypt, Somalia, South China Sea

Everyone Made Redundant

Civilisation Collapses

Environment Told To Go Hang After Polar Bear Discovered Eating Cub

Animals - worse than Ian Brady

The environment can go to hell in a handcart, announced a world disgusted by this horrific photograph of a polar bear munching happily on the bloody remains of its own young.

“For years we thought the polar bear was a majestic wonder of nature, the noble figurehead of the earth’s fragile ecosystem under threat,” said an appalled Greenpeace spokesman. “Now we find out they’re all sick paedo-cannibals. Well, fuck ‘em. From now on, my telly stays on standby all night, every night.”

Meanwhile, the Sea Shepherd organisation says it will, from now on, guide Japanese whaling ships to the best pods. “All the hard work we’ve put into saving their sorry asses, and what appreciation have the fat bastards even shown us?” demanded the aggrieved captain of the MY Steve Irwin. “Bugger all, that’s what. Bloody scroungers. I bet you they’re down there right now, laughing at us in their bloody whale palaces, drinking our beer, smoking our fags and shagging our women while we’re bouncing about the Southern Ocean, puking our bloody guts up on their behalf.”

And Sir David Attenborough - incensed at what he believes to be a personal betrayal by the animal kingdom he has devoted a lifetime to championing – says he has purchased an elephant gun and is setting off for Canada “for some trophies to replace my meaningless BAFTA awards.”

The Two Faces Of Nick Clegg

West Strangely Reluctant To Offer Military Support To ‘Russian Winter’ Democracy Movement

And Russian protesters are much hotter than Arabs

Despite the tempting attractions of Russia’s vast oil and gas reserves, say military experts, the United States and Britain are yet to lead NATO forces into Russia in a lightning assault to topple evil dictator Vladimir Putin’s hated regime.

As the ‘Russian Winter’ movement gathered in strength, with thousands attending rallies in cities from Moscow to the Urals to protest against the rigging of last Sunday’s elections, many were wondering whether NATO will begin its inevitable pro-democracy intervention by implementing a simple no-fly zone, or just roll across Russia’s borders in an overwhelming display of military might.

“We planned for this happy day for 45 years of the goddamn Cold War,” said retired USAF defence strategist General Buck Turgidson. “I can only assume that, after 20 years of piss-ant pacifism from those appeasing bastards on Capitol Hill, some Pentagon asshole must have misfiled them.”

“Aw, what the hell,” he added. “Let’s just get those birds in the air and see what happens.”

Politicians Beg Cat To Save Eurozone

European leaders are travelling south today to beg Tomasso, the four-year-old cat who has inherited all the money left in Italy, to consider using his new-found riches to save the ailing eurozone from imminent collapse.

There's plenty of money in the kitty

French PM Nicolas Sarkozy is understood to have enlisted the support of a squeaky rubber mouse to help persuade the world’s richest cat to underwrite European debts, while Germany’s Angela Merkel is offering Tomasso unprecedented access to a tempting ball of string.

Not to be outdone, David Cameron is flying to Rome this afternoon with a crate of catnip, possibly intending to offer the feline property magnate the governorship of the Bank of England.

“I hear Tomasso likes to spend his days mostly licking his arse,” said Mr Cameron, as he boarded his flight. “Well, I can do it for him. I’ve had plenty of experience doing that for our City bankers.”

Young Geniuses Emailed Passwords To Scammers, But ‘In Ironic Manner’

'mum u need 2 send me like 5000 lbs 4 books plz xoxo'

Hundreds of triple A*-graded young Einsteins cheerfully emailed their bank account details and passwords to phishing cyber-criminals, losing thousands of pounds each, but insist that they did so out of a deep sense of irony.

“Er I was so like making this rilly clever statement about the banks being like the real criminals right lol,” explained geography of art student Chelsey Bunn, 18 - who now has to make the remaining £1.20 of her overdraft last until June - after details emerged following the arrest of six people in London, Manchester and Bolton who are suspected of being behind the blindingly obvious scam.

“Maybe I’ll submit it as a piece of coursework,” she added.

“Ha ha ha,” commented many thickies with no A levels at all. “Ha ha-ha ha ha.”

Cameron Defends Key British Right To Fuck Everything Up Again

Just say no

David Cameron last night sensationally vetoed plans to subject all of Europe’s financial institutions to stricter regulations, patriotically protecting the sovereign British right of City of London’s bankers to fuck the global economy into a cocked hat all over again.

“This is a great day for the ordinary people of Great Britain,” whooped leading Tory backbenchers. “London’s role as a pivotal player in global banking is recognised by the man in the street as the absolute key to his future.”

“Now all we need is for the prime minister to rubber-stamp our proposals for nuclear strikes on Brussels and Strasbourg, and Britain will be free to rise again and re-establish the empire,” they added hopefully.

Japan Sending Aid To Helensburgh

The hopes forecast is looking particularly grim

Deeply sympathetic to the terrible plight of Scots enduring atrocious conditions in the coastal town of Helensburgh, the Japanese are digging deep to send material aid to the storm-battered disaster area.

“It’s not because of the waves crashing in over the seafront,” said a sobbing spokesman for the Japan International Co-operation Agency. “Helensburgh just looks like a truly miserable place to live.”

“We’re shipping a container of Suntory whisky immediately, just to get you started,” he explained. “All right, so it’s not quite Johnny Walker, but neck it fast and it’ll do the trick.”

Knowing Exam Answers Still Not Improving Teachers’ Ability To Teach

Year 10 insist they know it all anyway

Teachers have responded to the Daily Telegraph’s exposé of exam boards coaching teachers with the answers to their exams by pointing out that they already know stuff, but that doesn’t mean they can actually get any of it across.

“I’ve tried everything, including writing model answers on toasted cheese sandwiches and feeding them to Year 10 sentence by sentence,” said haggard history teacher Gill Evans. “Nothing seems to work. If Michael Gove thinks that what I know in any way influences what these things scrawl on their answer papers, he should bloody come down here and try punching the simplest fact through their thick heads.”

Asked for their thoughts, pupils replied “woteva” and were immediately awarded an A grade.

Cancer Caused By Living Your Life, Moan Doctors

Stop that right now

Most cancers develop as the direct and entirely avoidable result of you enjoying your life, warned frowning doctors today in the British Journal Of Stop That At Once.

“Eating, drinking, watching TV, driving when you should be running to work in all weathers,” barked lead researcher Dr James Kiljoy, “That sort of hedonistic nonsense.”

“And you bloody smokers, I’m warning you - if you ever come near my hospital coughing up a lung, I’ll bloody sue your ass off for spreading airborne cancer,” he shouted.

A purple-faced Dr Kiljoy went on, at some length, to explain that the only way you will avoid dying a protracted and agonising death is by renouncing the world, restricting your diet to a lettuce leaf and a glass of water a day and running practice marathons - until the happy day when you eventually succumb to a mercifully swift heart attack.

Downton Abbey Not Inspiring Public To Call For End To Class System

Let the right one in

No MPs are demanding changes to Britain’s quaintly archaic class system today, reflecting no public concerns raised by watching ITV’s Downton Abbey.

“You know, I’d never really thought about the absurdity of socio-hierarchical divisions based solely on the circumstances into which people happen to be born,” mused Downton addict Jane Prole, “And I’m certainly not going to think about it now.”

“It’s a shame shop assistants don’t call you sir or madam nowadays,” she pondered, whilst considering whether or not she could afford the DVD box set.

British Public Says Screw You

Welcome to the 21st century

A marked change in social attitudes reveals that the British public object to paying any taxes for anything, according to a survey published today by the National Centre For Anti-Social Research.

“Fuck the NHS. Fuck schools. Fuck the unemployed. Fuck the disabled,” said everybody. “Why should I subsidise all that? I’m the only bugger who does any sodding work round here.”

The survey reveals a widespread belief that everybody should bloody well stand on their own two feet, especially those bastards who haven’t got any.

Earth-Like Planet Teeming With Earth-Like Arseholes

Visitors from Kepler 22-b may already be among us

Although they are yet to ascertain whether whether the newly-discovered “Earth-like” planet Kepler 22-b is actually solid, liquid or gas, NASA scientists have confirmed that – just like Earth – its surface is absolutely crawling with complete and utter arseholes.

“We’ve picked up faint transmissions which, when amplified and run through an NTSC decoder, reveal the planet’s vapid inhabitants indulging in a depressing variety of tedious activities,” revealed project leader Randy Von Braun. “It seems that their chief religious ritual involves individual Kepleroids singing and dancing themselves into an emotional frenzy in front of a panel of tribal chiefs. Every night apparently resounds to gunfire exchanged by the citizenry and their law enforcers, while both groups seem to spend the entire daytime arguing amongst themselves. Sound familiar?”

“All we know about Kepler 22-b’s atmosphere is that it seems to be full of burnt hydrocarbons, with large stratospheric gaps at both poles,” he added. “Bearing in mind that everything we’re seeing happened 600 years ago, though, it’s quite likely that the Kepleroid infestation has managed to wipe itself out by now, so it’s probably not as bad as it sounds.”

2m Cambodians Died Of Gratitude, Insists Brother Number Two

Nuon Chea, the right-hand man of Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot, who is on trial for his part in the deaths of two million Cambodian victims of the regime’s disastrous social experiment, insisted that the Khmer Rouge were in fact jolly decent chaps and all-round good eggs whose sole flaw was an excess of kindness.

Thanks a lot

“I don't want the next generations to misunderstand the history. I don't want them to misunderstand that the Khmer Rouge are bad people, are criminals,” said the 85-year-old, defending himself against charges of war crimes, genocide and crimes against humanity. “There’s a very real danger that we might be misrepresented to future generations - like poor old Hitler, a clean-living fellow whose sole ambition in life was to give all the smelly Jews of Europe a free wash. How was he to know that their farts would be so toxic in a confined space?”

Cambodia’s ‘Brother Number Two’ suggested that the two million victims of his movement’s simple enthusiasm for country living had, in fact, expired due to an excess of sheer gratitude.

“Either that or a sudden, tragic outbreak of Vietnam,” he added helpfully.

‘Kill Me Now’ Begs Hideously Fused Mutant Thing At The Heart Of Euro Negotiations

The thing that should not be

Merkozy, the latest repulsive creation of Britain’s inability to use the word ‘and’, took time out today from trying to save the eurozone to beg for a merciful release from its unimaginable suffering.

The awful conglomeration, consisting of hideously fused parts of Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy, is the most recent revolting mutant by-product of the British people’s rapidly-degenerating familiarity with their native language, and joins an appalling chamber of horrors which includes Brangelina, Jedward and the entire ConDem party.

“Ug,” grunted a horrified spokesman for the Oxford English Dictionary.

Cameron Recalibrates Britain’s Moral Compass

After writing a letter of support to Tory backbencher Aidan Burley, who is morally outraged by public funding of union reps in public-sector workplaces, prime minister David Cameron has issued some helpful moral guidance concerning pure and impure uses of taxpayers’ money for the benefit of the British public.

IMMORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

- That scheming trot who helps people with their employment rights

MORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

It's all good

- The ongoing military occupation of Afghanistan
- Biological weapons research at Porton Down
- A new generation of nuclear missiles
- International arms fairs
- Constructing an aircraft carrier for which there is no operational requirement
- The Metropolitan Police
- Train operating companies
- Atos Medical and the tribunals which overturn 40% of their decisions
- The Duke Of York
- MPs’ expenses
- Aidan Burley
- David Cameron