Japan Sending Aid To Helensburgh

The hopes forecast is looking particularly grim

Deeply sympathetic to the terrible plight of Scots enduring atrocious conditions in the coastal town of Helensburgh, the Japanese are digging deep to send material aid to the storm-battered disaster area.

“It’s not because of the waves crashing in over the seafront,” said a sobbing spokesman for the Japan International Co-operation Agency. “Helensburgh just looks like a truly miserable place to live.”

“We’re shipping a container of Suntory whisky immediately, just to get you started,” he explained. “All right, so it’s not quite Johnny Walker, but neck it fast and it’ll do the trick.”