Cameron Recalibrates Britain’s Moral Compass

After writing a letter of support to Tory backbencher Aidan Burley, who is morally outraged by public funding of union reps in public-sector workplaces, prime minister David Cameron has issued some helpful moral guidance concerning pure and impure uses of taxpayers’ money for the benefit of the British public.

IMMORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

- That scheming trot who helps people with their employment rights

MORAL USE OF PUBLIC FUNDS:

It's all good

- The ongoing military occupation of Afghanistan
- Biological weapons research at Porton Down
- A new generation of nuclear missiles
- International arms fairs
- Constructing an aircraft carrier for which there is no operational requirement
- The Metropolitan Police
- Train operating companies
- Atos Medical and the tribunals which overturn 40% of their decisions
- The Duke Of York
- MPs’ expenses
- Aidan Burley
- David Cameron

Councils Unveil Exciting Plan To Relocate All Services To Your Local Branch Library

The Local Government Association today declared their ongoing support for library services by revealing their intention to chuck all those boring old books into a skip and fill the resulting space with all the local services which people need to access.

What you can expect to find in your exciting new library:

Everything you need under one roof

000 Computer Science, Information and General Works – internet café
100 Philosophy and Psychology – NHS mental health drop-in service (max. 5 mins per patient)
200 Religion – community singalongs with Archbishop Rowan Beardie and his folding altar
300 Social Sciences – housing benefit enquiries and drop-box for unwanted children
400 Language – a Kurdish refugee, practicing for his citizenship test
500 Science (including Mathematics) – a local GP, practicing his golf swing (mornings only)
600 Technology and Applied Science – a planning assistant (by appointment only)
700 Arts and Recreation – 24-hour bar with disco dancefloor beats (under the watchful eye of PC Savage)
800 Literature – 40-year-old Noddy book (some pages missing)
900 History, Geography and Biography – waste recycling facility

World To End On 30 June, Predict Union Fundamentalists

They'll have some explaining to do on 1 July

The world will definitely end on the last day of June, evangelical socialists in the public service unions announced today.

According to their archaic beliefs, a series of all-powerful public sector strikes are certain to herald the end of all things. Much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments are expected as parents vainly seek a place of safety for their children when the gates of schools yawn shut, marauding bands of criminals roam the streets unchecked by absent police support staff and the skies are swept clean of flights by air traffic controllers caught up in the rapture.

Rational minds in the government remain sceptical, however, pointing out that obscure union sects have predicted the end of the world many times before - especially in the seventies, when woefully-misguided forecasts of impending doom were almost a daily occurrence.

“Don’t you worry,” smiled Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude scornfully. “We’ll still be here in July, and for a long time after that.”

Cameron Announces National Closing-Down Sale

If you want the books too, squire, you can have the lot for a quid

‘For Sale’ posters have been put up on all public services this morning, following prime minister David Cameron’s announcement this morning that Britain was finally being broken up and sold for scrap.

“Roll up now, gents, roll up!” shouted Mr Cameron, striding around the Square Mile and banging a large drum. “Everything must go! Don’t miss these once-in-a-lifetime bargains! Come on, what am I bid for this lovely library? It might be a bit old, sir, but it’s almost in mint condition – only been used by one little old lady!”

Hedge fund managers and private equity investors were soon flocking around Mr Cameron and haggling for special deals, such as a free hospital thrown in if they took a job lot of schools off his hands.

“Don’t miss the next lot – a complete set of planning officers, with a matching set of building inspectors!” he urged his eager punters. “Wouldn’t they look lovely, all sat in a row on a big supermarket chain’s mantelpiece? And there’s oodles of money to be made from social services, ladies and gents! Why put those at-risk kids into expensive care homes, when you can offer the parents a buyback deal with a tidy mark-up for your trouble?”

“Any offer considered!” shouted Mr Cameron above the hullaballoo. “The whole lot’s got to go! It’s a crying shame to see good public services thrown on the scrapheap, but that’s what’ll happen to any stock I can’t shift! A fiver for waste collection services, madam? Lovely jubbly!”

Cornish Tribal Elders Urged To Perform Ceremonial Drain Dance

The fabled entrance to the Cornish underworld

Waterlogged Cornish tribesfolk are angrily demanding to know why the drain god is angry with them, as the entire county lies submerged under two feet of muddy water and turds.

“Every year, tree gods send gift of leaves down holes to underworld kingdom of mighty drain god,” grunted Derek Baynton, a hunter gatherer from Lostwithiel whose wattle-and-daub hovel was washed away last night. “This year he not eat leaves. Derek poke hole with pointy twig, find hole jammed solid. Derek ask himself if damn drain god down there at all.”

“Derek remember good old days of district council. Man roll in on council cart muttering traditional curse words, sweep up leaves, suck crap out of drain with magic box and bugger off happy,” he recalled. “No floods.”

“Now elders run whole damn show from Truro, Derek up to his knees in mud and shite,” he added morosely. “Where man now? Man down St Austell Jobcentre every Tuesday.”

Cornwall’s tribal chief, Alec Robertson, told explorers from the BBC: “This not fault of tribal elders. Elders work jolly hard for Cornwall tribe, do big song and dance at County Hall. This act of gods. No fault of Alec if tree gods too bloody generous with drain god tribute. He no-good lazy bugger. We send Peter Tatlow from Highway Services hut, he shout bad words at drain god until bastard swallow water and shit like he supposed to.”

Cave dwellers throughout Cornwall are unimpressed, however.

“Unless big chief Alec get fat arse down here damn quick and amuse dopey god with drain dance ritual, Alec find himself down hole at end of long stick, meet drain god in person,” warned Mr Baynton darkly.

What Have Public Servants Ever Done For Us? Demand Angry Public

There has been widespread public support for a public sector pay freeze, after the idea was floated by Steve Bundred, chief executive of the Idiot Commission.

"Public servants can easily afford to tread water for a year," said Mr Bundred. "For example, if I'm prepared to make my £20,000 a month stretch a bit further by switching the patio lights off while I'm at work, I don't see why my office cleaner can't show the same willing by turning off her fridge."

"Public sector workers? Fuck 'em," snorted Rob Blind, a hard-pressed futures trader in the City. "Only last week some jumped-up little twat drove up in a crappy little Ka and told me to dismantle the conservatory I'd tacked onto the balcony of my Chelsea penthouse just because I hadn't asked the local junta for 'permission'. I pay my bloody council tax, don't I? I've had to forego my bonus, and I've helped make this country what it is today - so I don't see why these unproductive parasites should get paid anything at all."

Car salesman Darren Lye agreed. "Teachers get paid half a million a year - don't laugh, a friend of a mate down the pub used to be married to one, so that's straight from the horse's mouth. They just sit on their backsides and file their nails while the kids murder each other, and that's on the rare occasions when they're not snorting chianti in their bloody villas in Tuscany. I say round 'em all up, make 'em live in sheds and don't feed the bastards until every kid can write their name with a pencil. Some of us have real work to do, like me - slogging my sodding guts out trying to turn the economy round. Christ, I actually sold a Picanto this morning. They ought to give me a medal."

"Wanna buy a T-reg Freelander, mate?" he added. Fifteen hundred to you, squire. Go on, it's a lovely little runner, be a shame to see it go to the scrapheap."

A snap poll conducted by the Nev Filter showed that 18% of the public were in favour of a pay freeze, 27% wanted swingeing pay cuts for public servants and 42% would like the public sector abolished altogether.

The poll also indicated that the public had little or no idea what the public sector actually was, with 73% of those opposing increases simultaneously demanding better pay for soldiers serving in the Middle East.