Detectives Rule Out Love As Motive For Shooting Man In Head At Point Blank Range

Anuj Bidve, the Indian student gunned down in Salford on Boxing Day, was definitely not murdered for love, according to the Greater Manchester Police after three days of inspired detective work.

“Evenin’ all. I gather some folks round here are suggesting that the shooting of this gentleman might possibly be some sort of hate crime,” explained Detective Chief Inspector Savage, who is leaving no stone unturned in his dogged quest to uncover the truth, or at least something which might bear a passing resemblance to it in court. “Although, I have to say, the five chaps we’ve arrested all seem like perfectly decent young lads to me.”

Greater Manchester Police detectives gathering evidence

In another twist, it has lately been brought to the attention of the police by concerned members of the local community that Mr Bidve was other than white.

“I honestly hadn’t noticed because naturally, like all police officers, I wouldn’t dream of jumping to any conclusions based on someone’s colour,” explained DCI Savage with a grin. “But this new information suggests an obvious explanation - the chap who fired the gun simply didn’t see him standing in the way, what with him being so dusky and everything. However, I suppose it could conceivably be that race might be some sort of factor in this crime. I mean he was asking for trouble really, wasn’t he, walking down a respectable British street with skin like that.”

“I think it’s called ‘contributory negligence’ nowadays,” he ventured. “Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t end up charging this openly foreign ne’er-do-well with his own murder.”

Manchester Police Forced To Do Some Proper Detective Work

Greater Manchester Police are today faced with the daunting task of having to remember how to properly investigate a crime, after the Crown Prosecution Service sensationally dropped all charges against Rebecca Leighton, the hapless Stockport nurse whose fingerprints were on one of Stepping Hill Hospital’s deadly contaminated saline drips simply because she had been doing her job.

“At the time that Rebecca was charged there was sufficient evidence in our view, never mind what some lefty facking poofter of a lawyer reckons,” insisted Assistant Chief Constable Sweeney Todd. “Look - she give a drip to a patient, and the patient gone and died. Open-and-shut case, innit?”

Course she done it, them's murderer's eyes

While patient CPS lawyers repeatedly tried to make Manchester’s finest grasp the difficult concept of establishing motive – rather than just opportunity – in order to obtain a conviction, the force was faced with the daunting prospect of having to rely solely on their powers of deduction to figure out which of about 500 people who might have had access to the saline drips actually carried out the contamination which led to seven deaths.

Despite the coldness of the trail after a month wasted barking up the wrong tree, sharp-minded detectives have already set to work on putting their cleverly-worded questions to hospital staff – such as: “Can you fink of a reason why that Leighton slag might of done it?”

Albarn, Björk Unveil Exciting Alternatives To Songs You Can Hum

The world of popular music aimed at people with a mental age of more than five continues to disappear up its own arse, as 90s has-beens Damon Albarn and Björk launched their latest vanity projects in Manchester.

Albarn has fallen victim to the urge - tragically common to ageing egotists from the pop industry - to insist that he is a serious modern composer, rather than the bloke who taught your dad to shout “You should cut down on your pork life mate, get some exercise”, by staging what he insists is a proper opera. In an innovative twist which never occurred to pedestrian dullards like Wagner and Rossini, however, Albarn’s ‘Dr Diddly Dee’ masterpiece features the composer spanking his plank on a godlike perch above the stage.

Everybody sing along now: Plunk, bzzz, parp

Meanwhile, puffin-botherer Björk launched the Manchester International Festival by filling a stage with various plunking, fizzing, wheezing and farting mechanical toys, after David Attenborough’s disembodied voice solemnly warned the audience of the horrors awaiting them. Stamping around Doc Brown’s laboratory from ‘Back To The Future’ and dressed as an orange lollipop, Iceland’s most irritating pixie terrified her long-suffering fans with detailed descriptions of parasites eating snails’ brains and exhorted them to download iPhone apps expressly designed to randomly mangle her back catalogue.

“Is this what Rihanna will be doing in 20 years’ time?” said a five-year-old from Salford. “Mummy, I’m scared. I don’t want to grow up.”

Police Warn Public To Look Out For One-Eared Man With Two Ears

Greater Manchester Police have warned the public to be on the alert for Michael O'Donnell, a desperate criminal who cut off his ear to escape from an ambulance, by releasing a photograph of him with a full complement of ears.

"O'Donnell could be anywhere," admitted Assistant Chief Constable Ian Hopkins at an open-air press conference in Levenshulme, where the HMP Salford escapee's getaway car was found abandoned. "He is a master of disguise, with an uncanny ability to blend in to the scenery and pass unnoticed in any crowd."

"Is there any tell-tale feature that could possibly give away this criminal mastermind?" asked a journalist with a heavily-bloodstained gauze pad taped to the side of his head.

Mr Hopkins stared long and hard at the notably symmetrical photograph of O'Donnell, thoughtfully stroking his earlobe for several minutes before conceding that the dangerous robber had nothing which might help to distinguish him from the general population.

Greater Manchester Police Deny Links To United After Fining Five City Players

Manchester City fans have angrily demanded a full public inquiry into alleged links between the local police force and rivals Manchester United FC, after five City players were each fined £30 for having tinted windows on their cars in a targeted 'sting' operation.

In a meticulously-planned operation, police officers and representatives of the Vehicle Operator Services Agency lay in wait in Carrington Lane, leaping out as the players arrived for training and slapping fixed penalty notices on the darkened windows of cars belonging to Shay Given, Tolo Coure, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Patrick Vieira and Stephen Ireland.

"Unlike the police, I can't help noticing there's two football teams in Manchester," said one disgruntled City fan, who is trying to organise a whip-round on Facebook to pay the players' fines. "Funny, that."

"This is a very serious allegation," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police, "And the knife-owning thugs, car thieves and drug dealers making it would do well to remember that we know where they live."

Meanwhile, City's press officer refused to confirm that the windows were in fact tinted on the inside, in order to spare the wealthy team-mates from having to look at the appalling poverty and shanty-town hovels of their loyal supporters.