Putin Not Out, Shake It All About

Mr Putin needs to hug something this big to regain credibility

There have been widespread calls from President Vladimir Putin for an investigation into vote-rigging in Russia today, the day after fraudulent election officials criminally failed to alter a shocking 37% of the ballot papers in his favour.

“What kind of message is sent out to the rest of the world when corrupt state employees openly abuse the trust placed in them, by not doing what I pay them for?” demanded Mr Putin as he stamped angrily through a forest clad only in a pair of Speedos and a crown, looking for photogenic wildlife to squeeze. “The people should demand the severest punishment for those who turn Russia into an object of international ridicule.”

MI6 In Race To Develop Spying Dog Turd

MI6 has been ordered to step on it

As a shame-faced Britain finally owns up to spying on Russia with a fake rock, the nation’s spooks are in a race against time to develop and deploy a top-secret dog turd which can scan and record all radio frequencies within a three-mile radius.

“Now do pay attention, 007,” snapped top MI6 boffin Q. “This may look like an ordinary shit on an ordinary pavement, but let me assure you the pavement is entirely false. This poodle has been fed for weeks on an exclusive diet of quad-band smartphones, in an attempt to incorporate cutting-edge radio reception technology into its DNA. We can then deploy it without fear of detection on the streets of Moscow, dropping listening devices outside key installations such as Mr Putin’s bathroom window.”

When it was pointed out that the dog had in fact expired, an irritated Q explained that the fiendishly cunning gadget was nevertheless ready for field trials.

“Once the dog has been mounted on wheels, Commander, you must tow it along, pausing briefly to give it a quick squeeze as you arrive at your designated waypoints,” he explained.

Sceptics, however, claim that he-man Vladimir Putin will prove unable to resist the temptation to wrestle the dog in front of Russian TV cameras, leading to unfortunate consequences which might compromise the mission.

West Strangely Reluctant To Offer Military Support To ‘Russian Winter’ Democracy Movement

And Russian protesters are much hotter than Arabs

Despite the tempting attractions of Russia’s vast oil and gas reserves, say military experts, the United States and Britain are yet to lead NATO forces into Russia in a lightning assault to topple evil dictator Vladimir Putin’s hated regime.

As the ‘Russian Winter’ movement gathered in strength, with thousands attending rallies in cities from Moscow to the Urals to protest against the rigging of last Sunday’s elections, many were wondering whether NATO will begin its inevitable pro-democracy intervention by implementing a simple no-fly zone, or just roll across Russia’s borders in an overwhelming display of military might.

“We planned for this happy day for 45 years of the goddamn Cold War,” said retired USAF defence strategist General Buck Turgidson. “I can only assume that, after 20 years of piss-ant pacifism from those appeasing bastards on Capitol Hill, some Pentagon asshole must have misfiled them.”

“Aw, what the hell,” he added. “Let’s just get those birds in the air and see what happens.”

Dummy To Hand Russia Back To Ventriloquist

Global audiences were reduced to tears of laughter today by the familiar comedy antics of top ventriloquist Vladimir Putin and his hapless dummy, Little Dmitry, as they performed their hilarious slapstick routine, Pass The Russia.

Mr Vladimir's 'cold hands' gag always raises a laugh

A key part of the act is the in-joke of both ventriloquist and dummy speaking with exactly the same voice, and generations have enjoyed the long-running spectacle of the dummy pretending to exchange roles with ‘Mr Vladimir’ – who somehow always contrives to keep the neatly-wrapped parcel firmly within his grasp.

Audiences also fall off their chairs laughing at Mr Vladimir’s silly adventures, in which he entrusts Little Dmitry with the boring, everyday task of locking up all the other would-be entertainers while he pretends to be Action Man - wrestling bare-chested with children, horses, polar bears, tigers, even whales and dolphins, and generally making a fool of himself with his toy jets, mini-subs and racing cars.

“I want to thank you, Little Dmitry, for the positive reaction to the proposal for me to sit on your lap for a few years,” Mr Vladimir told his blank-faced dummy, to gales of helpless laughter. “For 143 million Russians, this is a great honour - and besides, I’m sick of pulling splinters out of my knee from your wooden bum.”

Western Governments Condemn Russia’s Perverse Determination To Convict Businessman Of Fraud

This would simply never happen in the West

Russia’s prime minister, Vladimir Putin, angrily warned the leaders of the Western democracies to keep out of its domestic affairs, as they continued to express grave concerns over Russian justice in the case of incredibly rich fraudster Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

Mr Khodorkovsky, a former Komsomol deputy who woke up one morning and decided that all the oilfields in Russia belonged to him, is already serving an eight-year sentence and, in a second trial, has now been declared guilty of stealing oil worth more than $26bn from his own company, presumably to fuel an extremely large car.

The White House has said that it is “deeply concerned” about the “selective application of justice”, pointing out that a string of criminal activities is now a basic entry requirement for Russian politicians, while both France and Germany have condemned the Russian legal system for its backwardness in actually putting a rich businessman on trial at all.

“It is the sign of a healthy democracy that the legal concept of fraud, once the preserve of the wealthy, has long since been extended to the people, and is nowadays only ever prosecuted in the case of dolescum who have a 20-hour part-time cleaning job yet tell the Jobcentre they do less than 16 hours a week,” commented a legal expert. “Nobody expects to see a chap in an Armani suit in the dock any more - and as for a corporate multi-billionaire actually doing time, well, it simply isn’t done.”

This isn’t law,” he observed scathingly. “It’s justice, which has no place in a modern society.”

Mr Putin remains unmoved, however, insisting on Russian TV even before the judge announced his verdict that a “thief must be in politics - unless he dares to criticise me, of course, in which case obviously he must be in prison.”

Putin’s Revolutionary Singing Condemned By Human Rights Group

Amnesty International has asked Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin not to sing any more stirring Soviet-era songs to the ten sleeper agents deported from the United States, claiming they have suffered enough without being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment.

Mr Putin told reporters he had met the spies - who are being debriefed by the SVR, Russia’s foreign intelligence service - and urged them to join him in rousing choruses of such catchy comintern classics as ‘Advance, O Little Red Tractor’, ‘Let’s Go-Go To The Gulag’ and ‘Counter-Revolutionaries Stole My Bread Ration (But Stalin Has Stolen My Heart)’.

“I’m not joking. I am serious,” he explained. “That is what makes me so intimidating. Just like when I shot a tiger, or rode around bare-chested on a horse. As chapter 5 of my beloved KGB Training Manual says: ‘Do random mad stuff. It really freaks the capitalists out.’”

“Isn’t it enough that these pathetic amateurs have been ejected from the modern world and sent back to a vast broken-down toilet run by thieves?” begged an Amnesty spokesman. “Anna Chapman will never see a decent hair stylist again. Surely that’s punishment enough?”

Russian Donkey Worriers Still Struggling With Finer Points Of Capitalism

Russians are still failing to grasp the key principles of capitalism a full twenty years after the collapse of the Soviet system, following an unfortunate flirtation with advertising which saw small children traumatised for life by a screaming donkey zooming over their heads.

The terrifying incident took place on the Sea of Azoles coast in the Krasidyot region, when the owners of a private beach strapped a donkey to a parachute and towed it aloft, convinced that its squeals of fright would in some way prove a subtle but irresistible draw to holidaymakers.

Animal-loving parents below were so outraged that they whipped out their cameras in dismay, filmed the donkey’s aerial torment and sent the deeply disturbing images to news channels with a shocked invoice.

“The donkey screamed and the children cried and the parents saw an opportunity to make a few easy roubles,” commented regional police spokesman Larisa Tuchkova, after footage of the parasailing donkey was aired. “No one had the brains to call the police. We could have shot it out of the sky whilst filming it all in HD, and split the profits 50/50.”

The businessmen responsible for the outrage – who may be prosecuted for animal cruelty, if officials can find any such law buried in Russia’s hastily-rewritten statute books – are still struggling to understand their error.

“Perhaps yowling donkey not really appropriate inducement for small children,” one of them told reporters. “Next week we try higher-pitched animal, like dolphin.”

Poland Raises Collective Eyebrow

Prime Minister Vladimir Rasputin yesterday commemorated the Nazi invasion of Poland in 1939 by pointing out that, although the Soviet Union may also have inadvertently invaded Poland in accordance with the agreement it secretly made with its good chum Hitler, it was forced to do so by Britain and France.

"Had Britain and France not been so eager to sell Czechoslovakia down the river in 1938 by signing the Munich Agreement, World War Two would quite simply never have happened," smiled Mr Rasputin, in a brief respite from crossing out large chunks from a history book and writing his own copious notes in the margin. "Comrade Stalin was loudly telling the whole world that Hitler was absolutely crapping himself and would certainly have resigned immediately, if they'd only had the guts to stand up to his feeble armed forces - which we knew all about, having trained them on our territory for fifteen years or so."

Mr Rasputin went on to explain to the somewhat surprised citizens of Gdansk how Stalin was only restrained from taking on the Nazi war machine himself by the unfortunately-timed, and entirely accidental, execution of most of his own officers.

"As it is, our armed forces only burst into Eastern Poland in order to save as many Poles as possible from the murderous onslaught of our splendid Nazi allies, " he suggested. "As for the so-called Katyn massacre - which even horrified the Nazis when they discovered the mass grave containing the corpses of 20,000 Polish army officers - this was almost certainly an early outbreak of deadly swine flu, which was fortunately contained by the swift humanitarian actions of uniformed Soviet medical experts."

If only Britain and France had declared war on Nazi Germany in 1938, argued Mr Putin, all of Russia would have been mobilised to help them to defeat the evil fascists.

"Unfortunately, by the time Britain and France did declare war on Nazi Germany a year later, Comrade Stalin had signed the Ribbentrop Pact with Hitler, putting him in a bit of an embarrassing position," he sighed. "Even so, he really wanted to help - but unfortunately, the newly-promoted generals who were tasked with the invasion of Germany were holding their maps the wrong way up, and attacked Finland instead. It took the sudden, unannounced Nazi blitzkrieg which swept across our borders in 1941 for anyone to actually remember where Germany was."

Meanwhile, Poland's purple-faced president, Lech Kaczynski, is today said to be still attempting to pick his jaw up off the floor.

US Intelligence Codebreakers Still Struggling To Crack Russian Alphabet

In a gesture intended to heal the political gulf between America and Russia which opened up during the Bush administration, the US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, has presented her Russian counterpart with a pointless but insulting toy.

The toy consists of a big red button mounted on a bright yellow box, labelled 'RESET' and 'PEREGRUZKA'.

"'Perezagruzka' is the Russian word for 'reset', actually," said Sergei Lavrov, Russia's Foreign Minister. "This, however, says 'overload'. Are you daring to suggest that our esteemed prime minister, Vladimir Putin, is in some way not up to the job of running our motherland? And why are there three clockwise arrows on this big button? Is this your unsubtle way of calling him a knob? Perhaps the smirk will be wiped off your shiny plastic face if I remind you that we still have a big red button of our own, and Mr Putin's finger is hovering over it even as we speak."

"Oh, and by the way, in Russia we use the Cyrillic alphabet," he added. "I don't expect you to have heard of it, even if it is older than your stupid country."

"The things you learn," said a sheepish Mrs Clinton, pausing briefly from frantically kissing the angry Russian minister's hairy arse. "In all my incredible overseas exploits - heroically dodging bullets, bombs and DNA-seeking missiles in Serbia, single-handedly liberating our POWs in Vietnam armed only with an M-16 and a bandana, and demolishing the entire Berlin Wall with a single blow from my mighty hammer - it somehow contrived to escape my attention that millions of people around the world are not only forced to live in tragic ignorance of the democratic American language, but they are even denied the basic freedom to use honest, hardworking American letters like J and W. Looks like our plan for cultural world domination still has some way to go, I guess."

Spectre of Gas Warfare Hangs Over Europe

The whole of Eastern Europe has had its gas supply cut off in the escalating dispute between Russia and Ukraine over an unpaid bill. With Germany, France and Italy also experiencing shortfalls in supply, Russia has put forward a solution promising to turn the taps back on if Europe sends a team into Ukraine to monitor the pipeline.

"It's the bloody thieving neighbours at it again, I'm telling you," said Vladimir Putin. "I wouldn't trust them Ukrainian pikeys further than I could throw 'em - not since they welcomed Hitler's troops with open arms, bloody fools them for all the good it did 'em. I reckon there's probably that many garden hoses illegally plumbed into the pipeline, it looks like a great big hairy caterpillar. I'd send in the bailiffs, myself - only when I did that in Georgia last year, you all screamed blue murder. Tell you what, Europe. You send some observers into Ukraine - preferably the kind who do their observing through a laser-guided rangefinder, known what I mean? - and I'm sure we'll have your gas flowing again in a jiffy, no problem."

Putin Pledges Personal Vote For British Troll Dirge

Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister and former head of the KGB, has pledged his personal vote for Britain’s still-to-be-written entry to next year’s Eurovision Song Contest, after Andrew Lloyd-Webber travelled to Russia to find out why Britain’s entries have fared so badly.

“Ghastly, arse-faced English lord appear without warning at breakfast table in Kremlin,” said the fearless, tiger-shooting hard man of post-Soviet politics. “I scream, I throw bowl of Frosties but he not go away. He ask me, ‘Why nobody like me, I mean us, oh great bear of Russia?’ I realise he just big, soft girly-man. Ice of Putin’s heart melt away like winter snows. I give warm but manly hug. I tell him that I, Putin, send SMS vote for British troll-friends next time for sure. He go away ugly but happy. Putin eat Frosties.”

“Some may say that one man’s vote will not make a great deal of difference to the international voting,” grunted Lord Lloyd-Webber from his luxury sewer. “But Mr Putin explained to me that his vote is like his gas. If he passes gas in our direction, all of Russia sends its gas to Britain too. In fact, he treated me to a demonstration of the potency of his gas, which was quite a memorable experience. I shall probably write it into my next musical. I think it was in the key of A#.”

“I’m happy to say that, from now on, politics will no longer play any part in the Eurovision voting,” he added.

Russia Buys Bankrupt Island Nation Nobody Has Heard Of

Iceland, a country nobody has ever heard of, has been bought by Russia after its entire banking-based economy collapsed.

The small, volcanic island - situated on the edge of the Arctic Circle, halfway between New York and Moscow - was settled by itinerant Vikings in 874 AD, and then completely forgotten by the whole world until quirky pop sensation Björk started yelping like a dog having its bollocks repeatedly slammed in a door.

In the 90s Iceland recklessly abandoned strips of salted cod as its units of currency and adopted the share instead, basing its entire economy on the charmingly naïve premise that the worldwide trading boom could not possibly end.

This morning, however, Icelanders woke up to find that they and their entire country were worth absolutely nothing whatsoever. The Russians quickly moved in with an offer to buy the whole country for 50 roubles, which was gratefully accepted by an emergency meeting of the Althing on the dingy, rain-swept Thingvellir plain.

“We put big missile here, here and here,” smiled new owner Vladimir Putin as he studied a map of Iceland. “What is this, please? Does this say ‘Keflavík U.S. Navy Airbase‘? I do not think so, somehow. Deliver eviction notice immediately. You still want new cold war, Mr Bush? I think maybe, hmm, not so sure now, yes?”

US Message to Russia Demonstrates Woeful Lack of Self-Critical Irony

US President George W Bush has condemned Russia for “bullying and intimidation” over its actions in Georgia, and demanded that it withdraw all of its black kettles from South Ossetia and Abkhazia by the end of the week.

Speaking from the White House, the President said that “Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the twenty-first century.” The press conference was, however, brought to a premature close by a smoke alarm, thought to have been set off by the President’s smouldering trousers.

“We’ve just stuck a shitload of our nuclear teapots in Poland, Russkies, and they’re pointing at you!” he added, as aides swiftly extinguished the blaze in the seat of his pants. “Whaddya think of that?”

Russia’s Prime Minister, Vladimir the Impaler, reported that President Sooty Medvedev said he did not want to damage relations with other countries, but Russia had to fulfil its peacekeeping mandate by killing lots of civilians.

“That’s how the Americans keep the peace in the twenty-first century, is it not?” he smiled.

Meanwhile, five hours of talks have resulted in a ceasefire agreement, brokered by France, in which the Russians have agreed to park up for the night, on the understanding that Georgia disbands its army, navy and air force by 6pm and hands all of its military equipment over to the Russians, complete with all relevant operating manuals and warranty cards.

Don't Take Away My Breakaway

More Olympic news, and Russia has snatched an early lead in the Freestyle Slaughtering event, storming into the breakaway Georgian regions of South Ossetia and Abkhazia.

The Georgian team were completely taken aback by the ferocity of the Russian opening move, in which relay teams of strike aircraft carpet-bombed the region’s capital, Tskhinvali, closely followed by an assault wave of 10,000 pawns. The Russians then brought the Black Sea Fleet into play, blockading the region’s ports in a classic encircling manoeuvre.

The Georgian coach said he had conceded, withdrawing all of his pieces from the area. However, the Russians are playing on, determined to gain a maximum score before retiring, and have begun bombing parts of Georgia close to the capital, Tbilisi, and moving their knights deep into Georgian territory before withdrawing them in a classic dummy feint tactic.

“There’s no room for complacency in this game,” said the UN umpires. “With Chinese and Indian breakaway factions trying to slaughter everyone in sight, the Russian team will want to make sure they’re sitting on an unassailable death toll.”

The Palestinian entry showed initial promise; but after five minutes its team members began attacking each other, leaving opponents Israel as little more than bystanders. Rank outsiders Mauretania, however, have been disqualified, as it became clear that their initially-promising coup turned out to have been achieved with a disappointing lack of bloodshed.

However, all eyes are on the American team, whose form in Iraq and Afghanistan over the last few years has been impressively consistent and surely makes them the team to beat – although their endgame strategy has been a weak point in recent years, leading to several stalemates.

Eurovision Unpopularity Contest Win For UK

Britons are still celebrating today, after winning the Eurovision Unpopularity Contest at the weekend.

The contest, in which Andy Abraham irritated an entire continent with a song people might actually dance to, saw Britain receive 14 points from Ireland and San Marino, making it officially the most unpopular country in Europe. Russia came bottom of the list - its enormous popularity among its former satellite states partly a reflection of their fraternal love, and partly an expression of hope for an extension on their unpaid gas bills.

One of the three shepherds who comprise the population of San Marino later said he had misunderstood the voting system, as San Marino’s first telephone had only just been nailed to the tiny state’s tree.

Meanwhile, Sir Terry Wogan has hinted that the contest - hosted by warm, friendly Serbs in the spirit of friendship, peace and co-operation that has made them so popular with the neighbours they haven’t massacred – may be the last he hosts.

“You have to say this is no longer a music contest,” Sir Wogan revealed to a shocked public. “It’s all about these sneaky, underhand Eastern Europeans voting for their next door neighbours - totally unlike Britain and Ireland of course, who only always give each other high marks out of a genuine respect for real musical talent.”

Sir Wogan then asked if somebody would be so kind as to return his rattle - which had unaccountably fallen out of his commentary pram - adding: “I have to decide whether I want to do this again. Serious changes will have to be made - especially to the size of my cheque. Hic.”

Where Are The Nuclear Wessels?

Russia harked back to the shows of military strength that characterised the Cold War for today’s Victory Parade in Red Square, with the first display of armoured vehicles and nuclear missiles since the break-up of the Soviet Union. The parade included Topol-M ballistic missiles, T-90 tanks and a fleet of AA vans to keep the clanking rust-bucket arsenal moving.

Newly appointed Prime Minister Vladimir Putin denied the show of force was “sabre-rattling”, claiming it was “a demonstration of our growing defence capability.”

“I want to send a clear message to Hitler,” he said while drinking a glass of water and operating his puppet President’s wooden jaw. “If he gets his evil fascist hands on a time machine and decides to invade the future, he’d better not pick 2008 to attack us as we are still slightly better equipped than we were in 1945.”

A Complete and Utter Cult

Fourteen more members of a bizarre doomsday cult have abandoned their cave shelter 400 miles south-east of Moscow, saying that the partial collapse of their underground refuge was a message from God telling them to leave.

The cultists had been awaiting the end of the world, which their leader Pyotr Kuznetsov had predicted would happen in April or May. Mr Kuznetsov was not actually dwelling in the cave himself, having told his followers that God had different tasks for him, most of which regrettably involved the use of modern domestic conveniences, possibly connected with conducting further research into their Satanic barcodes.

Fourteen cultists remain inside the cave, where they are cut off by the landslide.

Deputy regional governor Oleg Melnichenko said the evacuees were in good health considering they had been underground for six months, had refused medical attention, and were now in a house praying for guidance, wisdom, enlightenment or, failing that, common sense.