Cancer Caused By Living Your Life, Moan Doctors

Stop that right now

Most cancers develop as the direct and entirely avoidable result of you enjoying your life, warned frowning doctors today in the British Journal Of Stop That At Once.

“Eating, drinking, watching TV, driving when you should be running to work in all weathers,” barked lead researcher Dr James Kiljoy, “That sort of hedonistic nonsense.”

“And you bloody smokers, I’m warning you - if you ever come near my hospital coughing up a lung, I’ll bloody sue your ass off for spreading airborne cancer,” he shouted.

A purple-faced Dr Kiljoy went on, at some length, to explain that the only way you will avoid dying a protracted and agonising death is by renouncing the world, restricting your diet to a lettuce leaf and a glass of water a day and running practice marathons - until the happy day when you eventually succumb to a mercifully swift heart attack.

Apple Founder In Fundamental Design Flaw Recall

Millions of people who are way cooler than you and I are deeply traumatised by the announcement that Apple founder Steve Jobs has been recalled by his maker over a basic design flaw which they thought had been fixed.

“I really thought they’d sorted out the fault in my beautiful little object of desire last year,” blubbered Apple fanatic Uncle Stephen Fry, all over Twitter. “Not being particularly boffin-minded, I didn’t want to bother myself with what a pancreas even looks like, let alone how it works. I just expected it to do lots of clever stuff in the background. I never imagined it might be something which would seriously detract from my everyday appreciation of Steve, or the warm feeling of smug superiority which he generously deigned to bestow upon me.”

Master... master... why have you forsaken us, master?

Former NME scribe Tony Parsons, who has since made a name for himself writing stories in which the characters recite lists of all his favourite stuff, sobbed: “For me, this tragic Steve defect has taken all the joy out of: (1) the iPhone; (2) the iPad; (3) the MacBook; (4) the PowerBook; (5) a complete matched set of original iMacs; (6) the Performa; (7) the PowerMac (including G3, G4 and G5 models); (8) the Quadra; (9) the Centris; (10) the Xserve; and, last but not least, (11) the glorious Newton PDA.”

Lord Sugar of Amstrad, meanwhile, paid a moving tribute to himself and the shit he used to put his name on: “The peculiar drag-and-drop interface, unfamiliar 32-bit colour, awkward ‘mouse’ accessory and paltry internal hard drive of the Macintosh II very nearly gave my pioneering PCW8256 word processor, with its ground-breaking 80 columns of green text and unique 3” floppies, a run for the money. Jobs – you’re fried!”

Finally, it fell to the lyrical talents of Dannii Minogue to poignantly sum up the shattered emptiness suffered by millions of shiny-thing addicts, with her deeply touching elegy: “#SteveJobs RIP”.

An Apple disciple later reassured weeping worshippers of cheaply-made gadgets with a reassuringly expensive price tag that, on the third day, an immaculate Jobs2, 3 or even 4s would rise again, rolling away the stone from the Foxconn crypt in China to hold out the redeeming promise of everlasting lifestyle accessories to his faithful followers.

Smoking Reduces Risk Of Cancer By Stunting Growth

Soon to be renamed Mr Cancer

Researchers from Cancer Research UK are in hiding today, after reporting that simply being tall greatly increases the risk of developing cancer.

“If I find those fuckers, I’m going to kill them,” growled Mark Peters, a six-footer who is currently undergoing chemotherapy. “When I was a kid, these smug bastards solemnly warned us all that ‘smoking stunts your growth’, so I spent a lonely, monastic childhood earnestly refusing all my friends’ offers of cigarettes. Imagine my shock, then, when I found out I’ve got cancer of the tall. Somebody get me a lawyer. Heads are going to roll.”

The unpleasant findings come hard on the heels of yesterday’s announcement, in a US scientific journal, that second-hand smoke almost always causes deafness in teenagers.

“Using parallel methodologies, if we couldn’t pick up a whiff of tobacco smoke we asked the children of the household if they had any hearing problems and they replied no sir, they didn’t,” explained team leader Dr Milton Strangelove.

“If, however, we spotted an ashtray in the house, we asked them to interpret and articulate empirical cognitive data concerning systemic quantum-decibel degradation of auditory parameters in the 20-20K spectrum,” he went on. “In almost every case, the response was ‘WTF?’ This conclusively proves that secondhand smoke causes deafness to such a degree that the victim invariably experiences profound difficulty in understanding speech. Another research grant, please.”