Earth-Like Planet Teeming With Earth-Like Arseholes

Visitors from Kepler 22-b may already be among us

Although they are yet to ascertain whether whether the newly-discovered “Earth-like” planet Kepler 22-b is actually solid, liquid or gas, NASA scientists have confirmed that – just like Earth – its surface is absolutely crawling with complete and utter arseholes.

“We’ve picked up faint transmissions which, when amplified and run through an NTSC decoder, reveal the planet’s vapid inhabitants indulging in a depressing variety of tedious activities,” revealed project leader Randy Von Braun. “It seems that their chief religious ritual involves individual Kepleroids singing and dancing themselves into an emotional frenzy in front of a panel of tribal chiefs. Every night apparently resounds to gunfire exchanged by the citizenry and their law enforcers, while both groups seem to spend the entire daytime arguing amongst themselves. Sound familiar?”

“All we know about Kepler 22-b’s atmosphere is that it seems to be full of burnt hydrocarbons, with large stratospheric gaps at both poles,” he added. “Bearing in mind that everything we’re seeing happened 600 years ago, though, it’s quite likely that the Kepleroid infestation has managed to wipe itself out by now, so it’s probably not as bad as it sounds.”