Environment Told To Go Hang After Polar Bear Discovered Eating Cub

Animals - worse than Ian Brady

The environment can go to hell in a handcart, announced a world disgusted by this horrific photograph of a polar bear munching happily on the bloody remains of its own young.

“For years we thought the polar bear was a majestic wonder of nature, the noble figurehead of the earth’s fragile ecosystem under threat,” said an appalled Greenpeace spokesman. “Now we find out they’re all sick paedo-cannibals. Well, fuck ‘em. From now on, my telly stays on standby all night, every night.”

Meanwhile, the Sea Shepherd organisation says it will, from now on, guide Japanese whaling ships to the best pods. “All the hard work we’ve put into saving their sorry asses, and what appreciation have the fat bastards even shown us?” demanded the aggrieved captain of the MY Steve Irwin. “Bugger all, that’s what. Bloody scroungers. I bet you they’re down there right now, laughing at us in their bloody whale palaces, drinking our beer, smoking our fags and shagging our women while we’re bouncing about the Southern Ocean, puking our bloody guts up on their behalf.”

And Sir David Attenborough - incensed at what he believes to be a personal betrayal by the animal kingdom he has devoted a lifetime to championing – says he has purchased an elephant gun and is setting off for Canada “for some trophies to replace my meaningless BAFTA awards.”