God Banned From Olympics

This is the true spirit of the Olympiad

Tiresome spoilsport God is to be barred from Britain for the duration of the London Olympics under emergency legislation which, sources say, will be pushed through in George Osborne’s budget on Wednesday.

The chancellor is reported to be furious at God’s mulish refusal to permit dedicated sport fans to buy a sofa at 5:30 on a Sunday morning.

“If God won’t let the servant class work all the hours He sends, He can bugger off to North Korea for a couple of weeks and jolly well like it,” snapped a Treasury official. “His pig-headed attitude proves - if proof were needed - that sport and religion don’t mix.”

God may be allowed back into Britain once the sporting event has ended, he added, but only if He gives His solemn undertaking to the Tesco board of directors never again to interfere in their good works.

Government To Terrorise Cities With Mary Portas

Local government minister Gimp Shitts today unveiled a threat to pull the names of twelve unfortunate cities out of a hat, and inflict Mary Portas on them.

Attack of the 50ft harridan

“The problem facing Britain’s high streets is that there are simply not enough shops selling posh frocks and painful shoes to young women,” crowed Mr Shitts, as he gleefully scribbled the names of every provincial shithole in Britain on a sheet of A4 and tore it into strips with a ruler.

“The key to regenerating these ghastly northern toilets is a thorough bullying from an acid-tongued battleaxe,” he enthused. “In the old days this role was performed admirably by Mrs Thatcher, but she’ll be raving about the inaccuracies in Meryl Streep’s hairdo for the rest of her twilight years. Fortunately, in Britain’s hour of need, another bitter old hag who knows more about everything than anyone else has emerged to save us from ruin.”

“The only way the chosen victims will be ever able to rid themselves of the baleful presence of Mary Portas,” he warned, “Is to give in immediately to her demands. No matter how malicious, petty, short-sighted, counter-productive or self-defeating they may appear to – or, indeed - be.”

You Too Can Be As Wealthy As A Waitrose Shelf Stacker, Promises Clegg

'Shelf stackers of the world, unite and take over'

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has shared his glorious vision of a share-owning Britain, in which every man, woman and child can bask in the untold riches enjoyed by Waitrose shelf stackers and John Lewis till operators.

“We don't believe our problem is too much capitalism - we think it's that too few people have capital,” enthused Mr Clegg beatifically. “We need more individuals to have a real stake in their firms. More of a John Lewis economy, if you like - full of quality goods, complete with a moving Smiths soundtrack performed by someone with a softer voice than Morrissey.”

“And what many people don't realise about employee ownership,” he added, as choirs of angels sang ‘Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Still Loves Me’ above him, “Is that it is a hugely underused tool in unlocking votes from those apathetic council-estate scum who dream of getting something for nothing.”

Food Retail Sector Nostalgic For 1862

Britain’s supermarket chains have set their sights firmly on the salad days of 1862, when their predecessors could cheerfully demand the equivalent of £1254.17 out of every single shopper, every single week, according to a wistful slice of nostalgia in this month’s Grocer Magazine.

“Can you imagine charging 74 times what we do now, just for a grape?” exclaimed a spokesman for Marks & Spencer, wiping away tears of joy. “We certainly can.”

The Victorian Value range

The delighted supermarkets are also eyeing up great price-adjustment opportunities in pineapples, melons and tea, among other foodstuffs which modern shoppers take for granted.

“Of course, in Victorian times the grocer faced stiff competition from a strong self-sufficiency movement - or ‘growing a turnip in the back yard for Christmas’, as it was quaintly known back then,” pointed out a titled member of the Sainsbury family. “And market penetration was somewhat lower than it is today, due to deaths from malnutrition.”

However, the supermarkets are keen to point out that not everything in 1862 would have cost you an arm and a leg or any hope of reaching your 40th birthday.

“Your friendly, helpful Victorian grocer simply wouldn’t have dreamt of asking you to pay for many everyday items,” the magazine pointed out. “For example, there would have been no charge at all for an HDTV, a microwave oven or a box set of the Shrek movies. That was all part of the service.”

“However, due to the costs associated with shipping these items all the way from China nowadays, that’s one olde worlde price our subscribers regret they won’t be passing onto their valued customers,” it added.

Which? Magazine To Relaunch as WTF?

MacBook-owning Which? readers are particularly cross

Leading consumer magazine Which? today announced that, in a 21st-century makeover reflecting the financial competence of the British public, it will rebrand itself as WTF? after unveiling this month’s shocking exposé of the widespread scam known as ‘trade’.

“If you sell a lappy to someone yourself, right, you get more wonga than like if you sell it to some dealer what sells it to someone else innit,” explained the group’s chief investigative reporter, Jakey Boy. “Even if it was yours, yeah, and you didn’t like nick it or nothing. I mean, WTF? Random.”

“Seriously, bro, I’m telling you, like check it out,” he added indignantly. “I shit you not.”

A spokesman for the second-hand retail sector later attempted to explain its key concept of ‘profit’ to the baffled public: “Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called ‘retail’. If the market value of your knackered MacBook Pro is four beans and I don’t want to starve, how many beans should I give you for it?”

Town Centres Already Are Run Like Businesses, Councils Tell Interfering Hag

Frankly, this crumbling old facade is just depresssing

Local councils, which professional busybody Mary Fartas didn’t bother to consult when writing her report on Britain’s high streets, have taken issue with her argument that they ought to be run more like businesses.

“Our town centres already follow the classic British business model,” insisted the Local Government Association. “The customer gets ripped off, everything’s falling apart and it’s all being closed down.”

Sobbing John Lewis Staff Give Away Stock

Moved to a state of 24-hour tearfulness by their store’s emotionally-charged TV ad, John Lewis staff all over the country have taken to heart its resonant Christmas message about the importance of giving, and are refusing to charge customers a single penny for their purchases.

Oh dear, now dry your eyes with this Blu-Ray recorder

“I only stopped by on the way to work for a fresh box of tissues,” gushed red-eyed legal secretary Samantha Doe, as she dragged a 42-inch TV onto a bus full of howling parents. “But the girl at the till took one look at my streaky make-up, burst into floods and begged me to go back and take away the biggest item I could carry. Bless.”

Sobbing senior managers, moved by the sheer power of their own advertising, have ordered staff to remove all price tags from the chain’s stores, in the hope that the country can hold off with the water works for long enough to drive down and pick up whatever their little hearts desire.

Meanwhile, the nation’s children – who, strangely, are the only Britons other than Charlie Brooker not moved to tears by the adland masterpiece, which has already been nominated for a BAFTA for Best Television Drama – have made plans to descend en masse upon John Lewis stores on Saturday morning to demand every single game ever released for their Playstations, Xboxes and Wiis.

“Oh, bless their little cotton socks,” wailed one shop worker on hearing the news. “As a partner, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than going bust and all losing our jobs. That’s just what dear little baby Jesus would have wanted.”

Conservatives Still Struggling To Grasp Fundamental Requirement Of Consumerism

As yet another high street retailer, fashion retailer Jane Norman, went into administration due to the ongoing impoverishment of the general population, senior Conservatives are still showing no signs of recognising that the consumerist model of capitalism which operates in Britain depends entirely on consumers having any money to spend.

Think of it as a sort of V&A for this year's tat

With even the consumerist cathedrals of Tesco reporting a fall in UK sales figures, retail industry leaders are said to be struggling to come up with a diagram so simple that even chancellor of the exchequer George Osborne can understand it.

“We drew a picture with a woman holding her purse, and a shop, and her little house and family,” said CBI head Sir Roger Carr. “We simplified it so that the shop is also her workplace - which is how we like it - and drew two arrows marked ‘money’ going to and from it, and another arrow marked ‘stuff’ going from the shop to her house."

"For the sake of clarity, we left out added complications such as energy providers,” sighed Sir Roger, who also happens to be the chairman of Centrica. “But George just giggled and drew a big pair of tits on her, then asked why stuff didn’t go back from her house back to the shop.”

“OK, so he seems to have a pretty shrewd picture of the low-grade rubbish our shops are stocking nowadays,” he grumbled. “Unfortunately, though, he still doesn’t seem to have the faintest idea about money.”

Widely-Predicted Retail Bankruptcies Somehow Fail To Materialise

Despite all their gloomy predictions in the run-up to Christmas, in which the nation’s pessimistic retailers warned that the recession and harsh weather were combining to force them out of business, supermarket chain Waitrose today announced with a flourish that it had somehow enjoyed its most profitable Christmas ever.

“Whoever would have thought that reducing the profit margin slightly on outsize tellies and quietly whacking up all the food prices would rake in the cash?” beamed delighted managing director Mark Upp, as he thumbed eagerly through a Bugatti brochure.

Sainsbury’s Recession-Beating Formula: Get Everyone So Pissed They Don’t Notice Prices Going Up

Other prices don't matter, slur shoppers

Supermarket chain Sainsbury’s today unveiled a recession-busting 36% rise in profits, reporting that it had successfully extracted a startling £466m from its increasingly impoverished customers in the 28 weeks up to the beginning of October by the refreshingly simple combination of shovelling out cheap alcohol as fast as its permanently-inebriated customers could fill their trolleys whilst remorselessly hiking the price of everything they actually needed to live on.

“When times are hard, people are struggling to keep their heads above water,” smiled chief executive Justin King, as he ordered a new cabin cruiser. “Our message to them is simple: why bother? Just piss your life up against the wall and let tomorrow take care of itself. Just remember to balance a loaf of pressed sawdust and a tub of grease on top of your groaning booze trolley as you stagger to the checkout.

“People are rightly terrified of losing their jobs and their homes, but what’s the point of worrying when thirty cans of Strongbow are just £15? With the onset of winter sending the mercury falling, even the homeless and destitute can keep their cider refreshingly chilled.”

“And you’d be amazed at the crap people buy when they’re shit-faced,” he chuckled. “Let’s face it, there’s no other justification for our appalling range of third world clothing.”

Mr King added that plans were under way to add fruit-machine playability to his stores’ burgeoning self-service checkouts.

Once Upon A Time In Edinburgh

Half of all shoplifting in the UK is controlled by the notorious Scottish mafia, a BBC investigation has found.

With shoplifting offences up by almost 20% over the past year, costing retailers close to £5bn, police have so far failed in their attempts to infiltrate the notorious McGovern syndicate. Even Scotland's top gangbuster, the celebrated Eliot the Loch Ness Monster, has been unable to crack the case.

"Och, ah'm a respectable businessman, d'ye no ken?" grinned barely-comprehensible clan head Don Vito McGovern, surrounded by cheap t-shirts, assorted multipack tins of lager and various small items of confectionery in his opulent penthouse tenement in Leith's glamorous downtown Fort House estate.

One of the BBC reporters was taken off the investigation for his own safety, after coming home to find a voice-changing Cyberman head placed threateningly on his bed.

"There was packaging everywhere," said the team's producer. "The BBC logo had been completely obliterated by a marker pen. The message was unmistakeable: back off, or we will destroy your lucrative tie-in profits."

Consumers Receive New Commandments

The Almighty God Retail - speaking through Its faithful acolyte, the Advertising Industry - today declared the Christmas Quartile officially over, but stressed that a similar Maximum Retail Opportunity would be launched in September 2010.

"Meanwhile, my overlords have instructed me to remind you all that another Maximum Retail Opportunity commenced this morning," said a senior Advertiser in his holy red-framed glasses. "Sadly, however, it has been observed that some Consumer Units have neglected their duties by selfishly remaining at home all day with their Revenue Generators, Development Prototypes and Obsolete Models. This must cease."

The Advertiser added that Development Prototypes at various stages of Launch Readiness were already being heavily targeted, via the new Mind Programmers they received yesterday.

"Attention, Development Prototypes of all sizes!" he announced. "Have you already attained Product Saturation with the pitifully small quantity of Entertainment Modules which came supplied with your Mind Programmer? Pester your Consumer Units, Revenue Generators and Obsolete Models to buy more! Spare no effort in issuing frequent reminders that some Entertainment Modules will destroy slightly less Disposable Income during the period covered by this brief Maximum Retail Opportunity!"

Consumer Units have also been alerted, via their own Mind Programmers, to the availability of strictly limited quantities of numerous Comfort Fixtures and Semi-Functional Domestic Substructures at notionally lower prices than at some unspecified point in time, along with an official notification that this Retail Singularity was profoundly unstable and could not possibly exist for much longer.

Revenue Generators in many Retail Areas of the world were reportedly groaning blasphemously at the prospect of having to double their productivity, in order to support the latest directive of the Great God Retail. Meanwhile, unpaired dual-function Generator/Consumer Units have already been hard at work all day, servicing the demands of obedient Consumer Units and their well-programmed Development Prototypes.

Tesco Announces End of Recession, Removes Affordable Cardboard-Based Food From Shelves

99% of all the money left in Britain is now in Tesco's bank account, according to the retailer's first-half profits released today.

"We're seeing signs of a gradual recovery in the world economy," said Tesco's prime minister Terry Leahy, over a light lunch of tasty £20 notes. "Of course, selling the food that people need in order to live means that we're hardly bothered by a trivial thing like the worst global recession in sixty years. But the other day somebody bought a cheap, nasty sandwich toaster in our Hounslow branch, and that's hardly an essential - so it looks like things are picking up again, and our evil corporate shareholders will be glad to know that we're clearing out the floor-space devoted to basic Tesco Value stodge and bringing back all that unnecessary crap with plugs on."

Analysts say that it is now only a matter of time before Tesco makes a hostile takeover bid for Britain, replacing the pound with its own worthless company scrip redeemable only in Tesco stores.

"Soon you will all belong to Tesco," said a man with a calculator at BofA-Merrill Lynch. "The nation's economic focus will then revolve around Tesco staff selling Tesco products to their off-duty Tesco colleagues."

UN To Discuss Coffee Republic Coup

The UN is to discuss what measures should be taken, after hearing that the Coffee Republic had been taken over by accountants KPMG.

The mercenary accountants moved swiftly to seize control after the embattled Republic issued a desperate call for help with its crippling national debt. The streets were reported to be quiet, with shops empty save for a few confused Coffee Republicans who face an uncertain future.

"I'm not even sure what a caramel macchiato is, let alone whether I work directly for the Republic or one of its franchisees," admitted one fearful worker in darkest Richmond.

Coffee Republic's rulers have conceded control of their bankrupt state to the mercenaries, but remain holed up safely in their impregnable holding company.

Several western governments have expressed fears that the dreaded 'domino effect' could spread to other vulnerable coffee-retailing areas, including neighbouring Costa, Caffe Nero and the dominant, posturing Starbucks.

"The collapse of the Coffee Republic is a matter of great concern to the British Government," Gordon Brown warned the UN Security Council. "If middle-class shoppers are deprived of somewhere to sit down and overdose on sugar, fat and caffeine every fifteen minutes, there is a very real danger of civil war breaking out in the streets of Great Britain. That is why I urge the United Nations to approve an emergency aid package for the plucky little Coffee Republic, whose parlous financial affairs are in no way connected to the massive recession I caused, which by the way I didn't."

Seasoned observers, however, expect the United States to veto any such measures unless they include substantial injections of capital into Starbucks, its unscrupulous ally which dominates the troubled region.

Coffee Drinkers About To Lose Interest in Peasants and Rainforests

Supermarket chiefs were today rubbing their hands together with undisguised glee at the news that coffee prices are set to soar. The price rises have been confined mainly to Colombian Arabica beans, but the increased prices are likely to spread as consumers switch to cheaper brands.

Companies who sell coffee in brightly-coloured packaging said it had been raining a bit in South America, and also blamed price hikes of up to 19% on coffee drinkers wanting to drink coffee.

When asked if there was actually a shortage of coffee beans, Mr Ken Co of Maxploit House coughed and warned that prices could explode, adding: "We are in a dangerous situation."

When asked if he was now trying to pretend it was something to do with terrorism, Mr Co showed reporters a slide of a smiling South American peasant farmer and shouted: "Give us your money, or this nice man will be very sad."

"This should knock all that Fairtrade bollocks squarely on the head," smiled a spokesman for Tescburoson's. "Addicts, form an orderly queue for your ration jar of our tastelike own-brand grit. We deeply regret we've had to jack the price up a bit, due to unforeseen moonspot activity."

'This Town Is Coming Like A Ghost Town,' Warn Councils

The Local Government Association has warned that many urban centres are turning into blighted 'ghost towns', as the recession forces more and more businesses to close their doors.

"All the clubs have been closed down," said LGA chairman Margaret Eaton. "Bands won't play no more."

Councils fear that the run-down streets of their once-prosperous shopping centres - now rapidly degenerating into dispiriting vistas of boarded-up shops - will become a focus for anti-social behaviour.

"Too much fighting on the dance floor," she explained. "Do you remember the good old days before the ghost town? We danced and sang and the music played inna de boom town. Why must the youth fight against themselves?"

The LGA is calling on the government to relax planning regulations, allowing councils to open community centres and one-stop centres where disaffected young people can while away a pleasant hour or two searching for mythical jobs.

"Government leaving the youth on the shelves," claimed the LGA. "No job to be found in this country. Can't go on no more, the people getting angry."

The Nev Filter tracked down the youth and his shelf, and asked for his opinion. He suggested that perhaps the councils might have given some thought to the dangers of urban blight while they were cheerfully banking the huge fees which accompanied planning applications for the vast, characterless shopping malls which have sprung up all over the country.

The youth might also be slightly less angry, he went on to say, if the councils had not been quite so keen to dispose of school playing fields in the midst of residential estates of their towns and cities, just so Tesco and Sainsbury's could vomit forth yet more hideous, soul-destroying sheds in their unrelenting efforts to force every other retailer out of business.

(with apologies to The Specials)

Huge Reductions In High Streets

Recession-hit retailers today announced huge January reductions in the high streets of Britain.

"1,000 jobs off! Everyone must go!" said Marks and Spencer. "Stores, head office, warehouses, we're making reductions across the board - er, except for the Board. Hurry! We can't last forever!"

"Hundreds of prime-location leases for sale at rock-bottom prices!" said a spokesman for Woolworths, just before receiving the last of 27,000 P45 forms.

Market analysts said that Wedgewood china and Waterford crystal were likely to be offered for sale at a previously-unthinkable bargain price.

"Go on, make us an offer," said the official receivers. "We've got more shops on our hands than we know what to do with."

"A massive 15.9% off house prices!" screamed a spokesman for the Nationwide Building Society. "Huge reductions everywhere!"

"Except on mortgage rates," he added. "We're keeping them unchanged, of course."

Shoppers were reported to be out in droves, taking one last look at their high streets with the lights on before they were all boarded up for good.

If I'd Wanted Fries With That, I'd Have Fucking Asked

Fast-food chain McDonalds is bucking the credit crunch, as it announces plans to open 10 new outlets and recruit 4,000 more staff. The chain claims two million more customers a month are passing through its doors – albeit with increasing difficulty in some cases - compared to a year ago.

Although McDonalds puts the increase in numbers down to healthier food and redesigned restaurants, some critics argue that it is merely drawing customers away from more expensive restaurants. Meanwhile, the company’s ‘My McJob’ recruitment drive will try to sell potential recruits a rosy picture of career benefits and opportunities.

“Well, they appear to have sold me a small cardboard box of potato string and a bucket of ice with some Coke lurking in it,” said one newly budget-conscious diner, as he prepared to go down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend. “So I reckon they can sell just about anything.”

City Fat Cats Lost for Explanation as Central London Retail Figures Continue to Buck Downward Trend

Britain’s economic future has been described as a “horror movie” in a report from analysts at Ernst & Young’s ITEM Club.

The group’s chief economist, Peter Spencer, said the indications were that the government would miss its inflation targets for the next 12 months, unemployment would increase substantially, and consumer spending would come to a standstill thanks to a sharp downturn in the housing market and lower credit availability.

“This will only end when some plucky and resourceful survivor manages to escape the clutches of the football-crazed, Sun-reading zombie army rampaging in the streets, and emerges from the sewers to face down the evil vampire overlord in his Downing Street chamber of horrors,” said Mr Spencer.

Meanwhile, the British Retail Consortium reported that, although retail sales across the country fell by 0.4% last month compared to a year ago, in Central London the figure actually rose by nearly 9%.

“We’re at a loss to explain this unique blip in the sales figures,” said the organisation’s Director-General, Stephen Robertson. “I emailed all my friends in the City on my £1500 Nokia 8800 Gold Edition phone, and we all went to the Ivy for a two-grand-a-head brainstorming session. After a very agreeable luncheon we hopped into our Maseratis, Bugattis and Maybachs and continued our deliberations over £50-a-throw cocktails at Annabel’s. When I looked at my £20,000 Breitling, it was 4am and we still hadn’t discovered why Central London is the only place in Britain where retail sales are booming. So, to cut a long story short, Binky Carruthers whistled up his bank’s corporate jet, and we’ve all agreed that we won’t be leaving our exclusive Necker Island hideaway until we’ve cracked it. Oddly enough, it appears that, since we left, the figures for Central London seem to be coming down. Don’t know what that’s all about, but we’ll try to factor it in.”

Meanwhile, Tesco announced that it would be doing its bit to help bankrupt Britons by generously reducing a few of the food prices it’s been steadily hiking up for months.

See No Evil, Buy No Evil

Health Secretary Alan Johnson has welcomed Scottish plans to ban the open display of cigarette packets in shops.

“Smokers are notoriously stupid,” he said, “And if they actually can’t see any fags on display, it’ll never occur to them to ask. They’ll just think that cigarettes have become extinct or something, and voila! Everyone gives up. Vote Labour.”

Retailers are less keen on moving cigarettes under the counter, however, pointing out that, in order to contain the range of brands on sale, the counter will have to be about nine feet high.

“Let’s hope they never get a bee in their bonnet about alcohol sales,” said a spokesman for the leading supermarkets, “Or we’re going to need skyscrapers.”