47% Of UK Hoping To Emigrate To Deep-Sea Vents

If you're not working with him, you'll be working for him

Almost half of the population of the United Kingdom is thinking about leaving the country for good and relocating to a smoking volcanic ridge at the bottom of the one of the deepest oceans, after researchers released dramatic new footage proving beyond all doubt that these challenging environments are the only places left on earth where life is positively thriving.

“Britain’s screwed. Europe’s screwed. America’s screwed. All of Western civilisation is screwed. Japan’s screwed, and now it looks like the wheels are even coming off China,” observed market analyst Rob Blind. “Let’s face it, if Brazil is now the sixth strongest economy in the world - and remember, quite a lot of Brazilians are running round the jungle bollock naked with blowpipes – things don’t exactly augur well for the rest of us.”

Meanwhile, it seems that many Britons are of the opinion that if sea cucumbers, scaly-footed snails and yeti crabs are the only culture on the planet which is actually prospering, then perhaps it might be better to be with them than against them.

“Oh well, I always hoped that one day I’d be able to retire somewhere nice and warm all year round,” reflected Jim Gage, a recently-redundant buildings inspector as he packed his swimming trunks and a snorkel.