Cameron Not Giving Problem Families £3733 Because They’ll Only Spend It On Drugs And Guns

Unveiling a £448m package aimed at 120,000 of Britain’s most dysfunctional families, prime minister David Cameron stopped short of actually giving them each a share of the cash, claiming they would only spend the money on drugs, guns, knives and a set of safecracking tools.

Mr Cameron has high hopes for the Angel Gang

Instead, the money – which is being diverted from budgets aimed at helping people who give a shit – will be used to raise a legion of social-work magicians, each of whom will be granted the mystical ability to transform their allotted scum into productive and responsible members of society with a wave of their special Cameron Wand.

“Each of these sociopathic ruffians will also be magically granted the ability to vote Conservative,” smiled Mr Cameron.