British Expats Back Sarkozy’s ‘Too Many Foreigners’ Speech

Immigrants warn there are just too many French people in France

Britons who have retired to the south of France have wholeheartedly endorsed embattled French president Nicolas Sarkozy’s desperate attempt to lure voters back from the far right by claiming that there are too many foreigners in France.

“”I moved here in 2007, yet these arrogant frog buggers still won’t have the common courtesy to speak English within range of my hearing,” fumed retired stockbroker Sir Nicholas Stuff as he valiantly continued his five-year battle to purchase a Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie in the local ‘boulangerie’ with a ten pound note. “I’ve shouted myself hoarse, I’ve raised my stick to them on numerous occasions and still they stubbornly cling to their precious ‘culture’. And the police do nothing, because they're all bloody foreigners too.”

“That jumped-up little chimp Sarkozy is talking sense at last, even if he is the son of a bloody immigrant,” acknowledged the doughty British immigrant, as he angrily kicked an onion-seller off his unspeakable bicycle. “And even though he delivered it in jibber-jabber.”

‘Kill Me Now’ Begs Hideously Fused Mutant Thing At The Heart Of Euro Negotiations

The thing that should not be

Merkozy, the latest repulsive creation of Britain’s inability to use the word ‘and’, took time out today from trying to save the eurozone to beg for a merciful release from its unimaginable suffering.

The awful conglomeration, consisting of hideously fused parts of Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy, is the most recent revolting mutant by-product of the British people’s rapidly-degenerating familiarity with their native language, and joins an appalling chamber of horrors which includes Brangelina, Jedward and the entire ConDem party.

“Ug,” grunted a horrified spokesman for the Oxford English Dictionary.

Daily Mail Demands Dangerous Frogs Act For Snarling Sarkozy

The Daily Mail today led calls for Nicolas Sarkozy, the vicious French prime minister, to be kept on a short leash at all times and forced to wear a muzzle – or better still, humanely destroyed – after a unprovoked attack from his savage jaws left poor, vulnerable Britain desperately fighting to save face.

Look at those ugly fangs

The latest incident, in which a snarling Sarkozy suddenly turned on hapless Newsnight economics editor Paul Mason, barking: “You come from an island, so maybe you don’t understand the subtleties of European construction,” follows a previous unprovoked attack on David Cameron, when the animal-loving British PM ill-advisedly tried to shake Sarkozy by the paw and promptly had his head bitten off.

“This frog is clearly dangerous and needs to be forcibly restrained,” thundered the Mail. “If Europe can’t keep its frogs under control, then maybe it is time for the law to step in and outlaw these ghastly creatures completely, or at least teach them to behave like poodles.”

Frog lovers, however, are appalled at the hard line being proposed by the Mail, however.

“The frog in question is constantly being goaded by the badly-behaved little Englander pig-dogs next door, who are constantly yapping and whining and snapping at his heels,” pointed out German frog-fancier Angela Merkel. “Perhaps it would be better if they took the opportunity to shut up for once.”

Sarkozy Scores Direct Hit On Cameron With Record 15m Projectile Vomit

French president Nicolas Sarkozy earned a hearty round applause from impressed eurozone leaders today, with an impressive 15.2m hurl which coated a surprised David Cameron in half-digested bits of horse, goose and amphibian.

To be fair, it's all Britain could afford

“I got ze idea from ma leurvely liddle bebby, Giulia,” a drained M. Sarkozy explained afterwards, as Europe’s finance ministers carried him aloft on a euphoric lap of honour around the conference table in Brussels. “Ah sheuw ‘er ze nasty cheap Cameron geeft of ze peenk Wilko dishcloth, she take one leurk an’ she vom ‘erseulf. As ah am dreurping eet een ze bin, I am seenking, zut! I feel ze same way whenever ah regard ‘ees arrogant face. Zo ah am deciding to express maseulf.”

Wiping unwholesome chunks from his ruined suit, a reeking but resolutely diplomatic Mr Cameron sought to downplay the international barf incident.

“If Monsieur Sarkozy’s digestive tract rebels at the sight of me, you should see my gut reaction to my own backbenchers,” he smiled through gritted teeth. “In the last few days I’ve pebbledashed half the committee rooms in Westminster Hall. Poor old William Hague had to push my pancreas back in.”

$4bn Purchase of French Strike Aircraft Will Safeguard Brazilian Way of Life, Promises Sarkozy

Joyful residents of Rio de Janeiro's 800 favelas were dancing in their shit-filled streets today, after President Luiz Inacio Lulu Twiggy da Silva announced that Brazil may soon be signing a $4bn deal to purchase 36 French Rafale fighter planes.

France's President Sarkozy, meanwhile, was enjoying the South American nation's Independence Day celebrations in Brasilia, in a welcome break from his duties as chief salesman for France's huge arms industry.

"The relationship between Brazil and France is not one of supplier and client, but of partners," he told Brazilians who were both literate and lucky enough to have enough spare cash to buy a copy of newspaper O Globo. "In exactly the same way that workers who slog their guts out for multinational corporations are no longer contemptible wage-slaves, but valued associates."

The Rafale has faced stiff competition from Boeing's F/A-18 Killer Bee and Saab's Gripen Trek TNG - but Mr Sarkozy's canny sales technique has already persuaded Brazil to purchase five submarines and fifty transport helicopters, complete with extended warranties and built-in MP3 players.

"When I set off every morning down the hill to haul buckets of murky water back up to my tumbledown shack, I want to know that all those foreign-owned oil rigs off our shores will be defended by state-of-the-art warplanes capable of blowing things up at nearly twice the speed of sound," announced sewage-recycling associate Hugo Neves. "My family's daily gamble with death from dysentery is a small price to pay, if it ensures the safety of these valuable assets owned by BP, Total and ExxonMobil."

"Mr Sarkozy really is a fantastic salesman," agreed his neighbour Severino Calixto, whose photogenically-ragged son scrapes a meagre living for the family by showing camera-waving tourists around the few stench-free parts of the colourful shanty-towns beneath their hotel balconies. "His glib salesmanship convinced me to sell my daughter Fortunata to a brothel to raise the cash for an oxygen-free pure copper SCART lead, so I can connect a DVD player to my TV set. Now all I need is a DVD player, a DVD and a regular electricity supply to take my mind off the never-ending misery of abject poverty."

‘It’s All About Me,‘ Wails Brown

Downing Street sources have privately admitted that the Prime Minister has locked himself in the toilet and is refusing to come out, after hearing that US President Barack Obama shared a breakfast with Tony Blair yesterday.

“Gordon is presently devoting himself to issues that require his full and undivided attention,” a sweating spin doctor told reporters, speaking over the sobs issuing from a frosted first-storey window.

However, a confidential source told the Nev Filter that Mr Brown has been feeling increasingly isolated and vulnerable over the past few weeks.

“First he started whining about being seen as the ‘Minister for the Recession’,” said the exhausted policy wonk. “Quite apart from the fact that it was largely caused by his lax regulation of the money markets in the first place, you might think perhaps he’d realise that the buck ultimately stops at the PM’s desk - but no, apparently not.

“Then he got rather peeved at the International Monetary Fund’s dire forecast for Britain’s economic prospects, and stamped around Switzerland all last weekend, grabbing people by the arm and telling them that it was the IMF who had the problem, not him.

“Then he spent so long on the phone yesterday, yelling abuse at Nicolas Sarkozy for telling the whole of France that Britain’s VAT cuts had made bugger-all difference, that he completely missed the initial reports of Mr Obama’s breakfast meeting with That Man Whose Name We Don’t Mention. Of course, we didn’t dare tell him. So when he read about it in the Daily Mail this morning, he threw his Quaker Oats on the floor and ran off to the lavatory in floods of tears. We’ve tried telling him that at least Jeremy Clarkson has apologised for calling him one-eyed and Scottish, but he still refuses to come out.”

The deeply-upset PM is understood to have posted his sorry tale of woe on the internet via Facebook Mobile, where he has been receiving messages of spurious emotional support from his friends.


Those Facebook Comments In Full

Gordon Brown ‘s had enuf the bastuds all hat eme!!!!.

Miliband One at 10:58 on 7 February
wats up hun

Gordon Brown at 10:59 7 February via Facebook Mobile
barack had brakefest with THAT MAN hes onley spok to me for 5 minits on the fone the bastud i thot he luvd me i wish i was ded no 1 likes me

Mad Jack at 12:04 on 7 February
o’bamers a 2timin bich yr betr off without im babe xxxx hugs

Lord Mandy at 12:44 7 February via Twitter
if there sharin brekfast u no wot that menes dont u!!! lol

David Blunkett at 13:30 on 7 February
sarcosies no beter he shud sort out his own cuntrey frist giv me a call if u need me tho not rite away im a bizzy shagin the missis rite now *winks*

David ’Dave’ Cameron at 14:06 7 February via Twitter
sory to be harsh gord but its for yr own good its always got 2B about u init you must of got problams in the bed dept or sumfin no wot i mean mate imao you jus need a bludy good shaftin wy not call an election lmao

You Sarkozy Git

Top French comedian and President, Nicholas Sarkastik’s first UK tour continues to win over audiences wherever he appears. So far the charismatic smooth-talker’s act has brought down the house three times – the House of Commons, the House of Lords and the House of Windsor.

“Without your Parliament,” the flannel-wearing stand-up said to a howling audience of peers and MPs, “Parliamentary democracy would never have existed in this shape anywhere in the world. And, indeed, it doesn’t exist in this shape anywhere else in the world. When your politicians wrote constitutions for half of Europe after the war, they gave us proportional representation - in fact they gave us so much, there wasn’t any left over for you!”

He went on to add that his country would never forget what Britain did to France in two world wars, saying that petty arguments were a French national pastime too, and the French Navy probably had too many ships anyway.

“It’s the way I tell ‘em,” he added.

Later, at a packed Windsor Palace gig, Mr Sarkastik told the Queen that “France and Britain have never been so close, if you know what I mean – whoops, keep your hands to yourself, Missus!”