Ramming Speed, Urges Hague

What a healthy economy looks like

Pounding mercilessly on his drum, foreign secretary William Hague today urged Britain’s rowers to stop moaning and row harder if they did not want to go down with their creaking galley.

As pitiless Conservative overseers frantically whipped collapsing small business owners back to semi-consciousness, Britain’s haughty Admiral and Captain were conspicuously absent from the hellish, stinking lower deck - where ranks of sweating entrepreneurs heaved desperately at their oars to relentless beat of the bald percussionist, trying desperately to steer a sluggish Britain to victory before it was consumed by deadly Greek Fire.

As Britain crashed repeatedly onto the treacherous banks and began filling rapidly with seawater, the measured tones of Mr Hague could be heard calmly ordering the stricken ship to make all possible speed for the nearest safe harbour – either India, Thailand or Indonesia.

Where’s Wallies?

The only wally anyone's seen for a week is fourth from the right

Yes, it’s the picture-book craze that’s sweeping Britain! Will you be the first player to spot the hidden wallies - including David Cameron, George Osborne, William Hague, Theresa May and all the other Conservative cabinet members, who have been completely absent from public view since Christmas Eve?

Features dozens of elaborately- drawn crowd scenes, including:

- Klosters, the posh people’s skiing resort!
- Ladyboy lapdancing club in downtown Bangkok!
- Royal family’s festive bird-slaughtering jamboree at Sandringham!
- Weeping and wailing at Kim Jong-il's funeral!
- Falkland Islands penguin colony!

You Wogs Have A Damned Funny Sense Of Priorities, Moans Hague

Tripoli, as it appears to Mr Hague

Foreign secretary William Hague has given Libyan rebel leaders a piece of his mind today, after they obtusely decided that averting a humanitarian disaster among their own people was in some way more important than dragging a comatose cancer victim off his deathbed to spend his last dying days lying unconscious in a Scottish prison.

“No, no, no, you stupid bloody wogs, we don’t want to see pictures of him! We want him in person, dead or alive!” Mr Hague yelled down the phone at the National Transition Council. “Look, if you’re too bone idle to go and fetch the bugger yourselves, just tell us which mud hut he’s hiding in and we’ll send big metal birds over to drop fire eggs on his house, damn you.”

Mr Hague also vented his righteous fury over the ungrateful rebels’ bloody-minded refusal to put the restoration of essential services to Tripoli on hold and to stop searching for 50,000 missing citizens, and urged them to get cracking instead on the more pressing business of handing over a miscreant who, he insists, he has it on good authority - i.e. from a wily old gentleman with his ear to the grapevine - could quite possibly have shot WPC Yvonne Fletcher from inside the Libyan embassy in London 27 years ago.

“Oh, for God’s sake just drop whatever time-wasting arab nonsense you’re up to, you silly camel-fancying layabouts, and just do as you’re bloody told or you'll get my boot up your backsides,” he shouted. “Surely even your dozy eyetie masters taught you to respect white man’s justice?”

“And before you ask: no, I won’t trade either of them for my sister,” he snapped angrily.

‘Don’t Worry, Clegg Isn’t Running The Country,’ Says Hague

Mr Hague remains upbeat, if incomprehensible

As prime minister David Cameron and chancellor George Osborne swan off to the holiday destinations only millionaires can afford, foreign secretary William Hague moved swiftly to allay public fears of a lack of leadership during a rapidly-worsening economic crisis by reassuring the nation that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg was still curled up and sound asleep inside his teapot and would remain there no matter what happens.

The Tory wise man of the north told anxious reporters: “Ey up, fowks - ‘appen things might be a bit ketty raht now, but ‘old yer skrikin’. Reckon t’ PM an’ t’ chancellor o’ t’ exchequer mun be agate raht soon enoof f’r upskittlin’ t’ economy wi’owt recklin’ t’ barn. Let ‘im ligg, now.”

Linguistic experts from the south explained to the rest of the country that the rough gist of what the foreign secretary had said was that, although the present situation may be causing alarm to some, that there was no need to worry as he had every confidence in the ability of Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne to restore calm to the markets upon their return and there was therefore no need to call upon Mr Clegg for leadership.

“It’s either that, or he fancies Halifax’s chances on Sunday against the Batley Bulldogs,” they concluded.