King David In Hiding As Pengelly of Plymouth Rides On Paddington

Self-confessed liability King David Cameron is reported to have soiled his garments and fled after hearing reports that Plymouth’s ousted princess, Viv Pengelly, is marching on London on a self-righteous crusade to blame him for yesterday’s peasant revolt which saw her unjustly deposed from the throne which is her birthright.

“By owr swete Mercie did We caws an grete yncyneratour to be sette yn ye Serfes midst, rownde ye wych myte hem hudel for ye hete & protectioun from ye wolves,” sobbed the ancient pantomime dame. “Ye smityinge of ye Ær-port, We didst alowe; so hem hight never ygen lief yn Terrour of ye evill Dragounes cercling over hir hoveles. Highe-way brigandrie did We tackoul, by yeving countroul of ye rutted stretes to ye townes ox cart drivour; nowe, ye fell rorynge of yron stedes scarce nemour ys heer’d aftere Doske. An We did spend eche, & ev’ry, laste Groat of ye taxes; yea, verily, an muche mor; on ye glorious newe palace of tourneys.”

The lady of Plymouth still awaits her great western carriage

“Mark yet mor, gentil scribe; for We did caws ye Herolde to issewe, eache daye, fresshe proclamatioun to ye pesauntry; of whomso hem han to thanke for suche bowneties withal,” she added, “Thus, ye onlie posible explanacioun for hir base ingratenesse nedes moste be ye sore incompetaunce of King David. An pece of Oure mynd shal We verily yeve unto ye wretch.”

And thus it was that, throughout King David’s troubled realm, dispossessed robber barons were singing the same old song. But for them, there were no more suppers to be had.

Plymouth Puts Shiny New £46m Life Centre On eBay – No Reserve

As Britain’s local authorities agreed today that they could either continue to change your granny’s pissy knickers once a week or run the facilities they were entrusted with generations ago for the public to benefit from, Plymouth City Council leader Viv Pengelly nailed a giant ‘EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!’ sign to its just-opened £46m sports complex, The Life Centre, and posted it on eBay with a starting price of just 99p.

Ikea and Fyffes Bananas have already placed bids

The eBay listing describes the Life Centre as a “Bran new sport’s complexs, including familey lesure pool, fitnes's sweet for 150 janner’s, kid's climing wall. Paint still drieing! Hardley used. Surounded by 250 acers of lush green parkland in prime central location (see my other auction's). Cost 46,500,000 £££’s new. Reason for sale: unwanted gift.”

A spokesman for the cash-strapped westcountry council – which, in recent years, has already divested itself of its buses, its airport, all hope for the future and any pretence at caring – pointed out that all local authorities were being forced to dream up new ways of meeting the staggering cost of wringing stale wee out of your nan’s bedclothes without negatively impacting on their hardworking senior officers’ modest remuneration packages.

“You could say that it was perhaps a trifle lavish of Plymouth City Council to throw money it hadn’t got at a monumental vanity project its citizens couldn’t afford,” he explained. “But you won’t say it in the local paper, because it was their damn fool suggestion in the first place.”

“And, of course, it goes without saying that you’ve long since forgotten that you all said it was a bloody brilliant idea at the time,” he added.

God Orders Churches To Welcome Congregations With Minutes Of PCC Meetings And Matters Arising

God has sensationally waded into the ongoing public debate about compulsory prayers in local government, by instructing His ordained representatives to begin all acts of worship with a reading of the minutes of the last Parochial Church Council meeting.

God may also demand apologies for absence

Congregations must, according to God’s plan, then be asked if there are any matters arising from the PCC’s minutes which they wish to discuss before the first hymn.

Many churchgoers, however, have complained that, in these modern times, the arcane thoughts of a tiny group of elders have little or no relevance to their busy lives.

“I’m an anarchist. Why should I be forced to pay lip service to a hierarchical bureaucracy in which I don’t place the slightest credence?” demanded an aggrieved Rev. Harry Davidson, the rector of Stiffkey. “Who does God think He is anyway - Eric Pickles?”

Town Centres Already Are Run Like Businesses, Councils Tell Interfering Hag

Frankly, this crumbling old facade is just depresssing

Local councils, which professional busybody Mary Fartas didn’t bother to consult when writing her report on Britain’s high streets, have taken issue with her argument that they ought to be run more like businesses.

“Our town centres already follow the classic British business model,” insisted the Local Government Association. “The customer gets ripped off, everything’s falling apart and it’s all being closed down.”

Councils Unveil Exciting Plan To Relocate All Services To Your Local Branch Library

The Local Government Association today declared their ongoing support for library services by revealing their intention to chuck all those boring old books into a skip and fill the resulting space with all the local services which people need to access.

What you can expect to find in your exciting new library:

Everything you need under one roof

000 Computer Science, Information and General Works – internet café
100 Philosophy and Psychology – NHS mental health drop-in service (max. 5 mins per patient)
200 Religion – community singalongs with Archbishop Rowan Beardie and his folding altar
300 Social Sciences – housing benefit enquiries and drop-box for unwanted children
400 Language – a Kurdish refugee, practicing for his citizenship test
500 Science (including Mathematics) – a local GP, practicing his golf swing (mornings only)
600 Technology and Applied Science – a planning assistant (by appointment only)
700 Arts and Recreation – 24-hour bar with disco dancefloor beats (under the watchful eye of PC Savage)
800 Literature – 40-year-old Noddy book (some pages missing)
900 History, Geography and Biography – waste recycling facility

Council Refuses To Improve Ghost Monitoring In Car Parks

Bloody ghosts at it again

The London Borough of Sutton has come under fire from paranormal expert Yvette Fielding for failing to monitor ghost activity in its car parks, after failing to satisfy a female motorist who rang to ask if ghosts were responsible for moving her car down a mild gradient from one parking space to the one opposite.

“Frankly, in this day and age, which I firmly believe is a Friday in the year 490AD, it is just unacceptable for a local authority not to compile a comprehensive record of supernatural activity in the sites it maintains for the public,” argued the presenter of TV’s popular Most Haunted. “I have personally investigated case after case of cars inexplicably moving themselves on slopes, as reported by the type of people who watch my show.”

“I urge all my viewers to engage the anti-poltergeist lever which vehicle manufacturers have placed near the gearstick,” she added. “Thank the stars that the management of Toyota and Nissan are more open-minded than the misguided rationalists who infest our town halls. If you want to avoid a manifestation, don’t ever disengage that device for an instant.”

Public Demands Axe For Council Job Titles Containing More Than Three Syllables

Following public consultations, communities secretary Eric Pickles announced that he would be putting pressure on local authorities to eliminate all jobs whose function is not blindingly obvious from the title to a two-year-old.

“What the hell is an Inclusivity Monitor when it’s at home?” demanded the no-nonsense Tory gutbucket as he tucked into a bucket of sausages and mash. “Or a Building Control Enforcement Officer, I ask you? Or a Programme Coordinator, or a Frontline Advisor, for the love of God? It’s time to kick these sponging bastards out on their ear.”

“Councils are absolutely swarming with useless wasters,” he belched. “What you’re all telling me is that you want to cut the crap and see your town halls streamlined, just like in the good old days when there was just a town clerk and a couple of typists.”

When asked by the Nev Filter exactly what a ‘communities secretary’ was for, Mr Pickles terminated the press conference by choking on a sausage.

Elected Representatives Resign En Masse Over Petty, Small-Minded Blog Attacks

Britain faces an unprecedented constitutional crisis today, with all 630 MPs resigning their seats after finding out that The Nev Filter has been saying some things about them that were not really very nice at all.

The shock walkout from the House of Commons comes only hours after eleven members of the 15-strong Somerton Town Council quit in protest at being called "jackasses" and "clown councillors" by Somerset blogger Niall Connolly.

"This nasty Nev person seems to take a warped, perverse delight in portraying me as a sad, isolated authoritarian with no friends, no ideas and no hope," sobbed ex-PM Gordon Brown as he trudged out of London with a few possessions tied up in a knotted handkerchief. "Well, I'm going back to Scotland, where I shall be taking a boat and rowing to an uninhabited island in the middle of nowhere to live out my remaining days in complete isolation from the human race. I just hope he's proud of himself."

"I don't know how people like him can sleep at night," he added forlornly.

David Cameron, the former leader of the Conservative Party, echoed his one-time opponent's sentiments.

"All I have ever sought is to humbly serve the people of this nation," he wailed, as his chauffeur attempted to loop a length of rope around a lamp-post on Westminster Bridge. "I appreciate that there has always been a cruel streak in the British people, who seem to revel in building people up to knock them down - but The Nev Filter's repeated suggestions that I am some kind of sheltered, cynical opportunist next to whom Margaret Thatcher would look like Mother Theresa is more than I can bear. As soon as my man here has tied the noose, it's goodbye cruel Nev."

The former leaders' dismay was echoed throughout the parliamentary parties, with upset ex-MPs booking one-way tickets to remote destinations well off the beaten track, entering monasteries or simply leaping from suspension bridges with breeze-blocks chained to their ankles.

The unexpected power vacuum was fortuitously filled by the Youth Parliament, who happened to be holding an important debate about the latest version of Grand Theft Auto in the House of Commons' Debating Chamber. They were swiftly sworn in as the acting government of the United Kingdom by outgoing speaker John Bercow, who then stepped down and shot himself.

Asked it he was pleased with the unexpected effect of his constant online sniping, Nev told reporters that he was very sorry that the affairs of state were now in the hands of a bunch of 11-18-year-olds.

"Frankly, I'd trust a bunch of under-10s more," he said. "But it's a step in the right direction."

'This Town Is Coming Like A Ghost Town,' Warn Councils

The Local Government Association has warned that many urban centres are turning into blighted 'ghost towns', as the recession forces more and more businesses to close their doors.

"All the clubs have been closed down," said LGA chairman Margaret Eaton. "Bands won't play no more."

Councils fear that the run-down streets of their once-prosperous shopping centres - now rapidly degenerating into dispiriting vistas of boarded-up shops - will become a focus for anti-social behaviour.

"Too much fighting on the dance floor," she explained. "Do you remember the good old days before the ghost town? We danced and sang and the music played inna de boom town. Why must the youth fight against themselves?"

The LGA is calling on the government to relax planning regulations, allowing councils to open community centres and one-stop centres where disaffected young people can while away a pleasant hour or two searching for mythical jobs.

"Government leaving the youth on the shelves," claimed the LGA. "No job to be found in this country. Can't go on no more, the people getting angry."

The Nev Filter tracked down the youth and his shelf, and asked for his opinion. He suggested that perhaps the councils might have given some thought to the dangers of urban blight while they were cheerfully banking the huge fees which accompanied planning applications for the vast, characterless shopping malls which have sprung up all over the country.

The youth might also be slightly less angry, he went on to say, if the councils had not been quite so keen to dispose of school playing fields in the midst of residential estates of their towns and cities, just so Tesco and Sainsbury's could vomit forth yet more hideous, soul-destroying sheds in their unrelenting efforts to force every other retailer out of business.

(with apologies to The Specials)