Food Retail Sector Nostalgic For 1862

Britain’s supermarket chains have set their sights firmly on the salad days of 1862, when their predecessors could cheerfully demand the equivalent of £1254.17 out of every single shopper, every single week, according to a wistful slice of nostalgia in this month’s Grocer Magazine.

“Can you imagine charging 74 times what we do now, just for a grape?” exclaimed a spokesman for Marks & Spencer, wiping away tears of joy. “We certainly can.”

The Victorian Value range

The delighted supermarkets are also eyeing up great price-adjustment opportunities in pineapples, melons and tea, among other foodstuffs which modern shoppers take for granted.

“Of course, in Victorian times the grocer faced stiff competition from a strong self-sufficiency movement - or ‘growing a turnip in the back yard for Christmas’, as it was quaintly known back then,” pointed out a titled member of the Sainsbury family. “And market penetration was somewhat lower than it is today, due to deaths from malnutrition.”

However, the supermarkets are keen to point out that not everything in 1862 would have cost you an arm and a leg or any hope of reaching your 40th birthday.

“Your friendly, helpful Victorian grocer simply wouldn’t have dreamt of asking you to pay for many everyday items,” the magazine pointed out. “For example, there would have been no charge at all for an HDTV, a microwave oven or a box set of the Shrek movies. That was all part of the service.”

“However, due to the costs associated with shipping these items all the way from China nowadays, that’s one olde worlde price our subscribers regret they won’t be passing onto their valued customers,” it added.

Tube Drivers Helping Londoners Not To Spend Last Few Pounds

Don't do it

London Underground’s train drivers are desperately trying to persuade the capital’s population to keep that last pound or two of their overdraft facilities for a rainy day, by selflessly refusing to transport them to the sales.

“If you add up all the odd pounds that Londoners could be spending today, it adds up to millions,” explained ASLEF general secretary Mick Notwhelan. “These days, that’s a tidy sum. Our members reckon it would be prudent for London to hang onto it in case it's needed for something really important, such as paying them even more for the terrible chore of doing their jobs during the Olympics.”

Members of the public are not entirely convinced by the drivers’ cautionary plan, though.

“Want… bargain…” grunted optimistic consumers as they tried to push their Central Line tube train from Epping to Tottenham Court Road, driven by the unlikely conviction that iPads might be reduced to three for £1.99.

Supermarket Sweep Under The Carpet

The Office of Fair Trading is reported to be jubilant on completing Britain’s most successful Supermarket Sweep, after running round the head offices of Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Asda and Morrison and filling up their enormous trolley with groceries, health and beauty products and files.

Supermarket bosses were all false grins and forced smiles as the OFT proudly displayed its haul of goods from companies alleged to be colluding with the leading retailers in illegal price-fixing. Products from companies ranging from Procter & Gamble, Reckitt Benckiser, Unilever and Mars were top of the OFT’s shopping list.

Asda and Morrisons gritted their teeth and said they were “happy to assist” the OFT in its madcap rush through their head offices, while Sainsbury’s and Tesco said they were co-operating with requests for information.

Only a few days ago, the OFT completed a gruelling warm-up exercise, concentrating on cigarettes which it claimed were subject to a price-fixing cartel.

Members of the public were on the edge of their seats watching the watchdog’s inspired performance.

“I’d like to see the OFT do this every week,” said one. “It’s been a long time since anybody really cleaned up in the supermarkets.”