Rest Of Britain Supposed To Thank Thatcher For Not Shooting Everyone In Liverpool

Thatcher could have prevented this. But she didn't

Following the release of cabinet papers under the 30-year rule, that part of Britain which is not Scouse is wondering today if it is really expected to thank Mrs Thatcher for not sending tooled-up police and the army into Liverpool at the height of the 1981 riots with orders to execute the entire population, starting with its iconic comedy tax fiddler, Ken Dodd.

Meanwhile, the people of Liverpool itself are wondering what it was that happened to their beloved city during the subsequent nine years, given that Mrs Thatcher apparently rejected the advice of then-chancellor Sir Geoffrey Howe and other cabinet ministers to abandon the city to a “managed decline”.

“Ey! Ey! P’raps she juss didden laik th’ ‘managed’ paaht. Ey!” squeaked some objectionable professional Scouser, possibly John Bishop.

Cameron Invites Communities To Go Empower Themselves

David Cameron arrived in Liverpool today to launch his much-heralded ‘Bag Society’, in which all the services you pay for will be handed over to interfering old bags.

“This is all about empowering communities and empowering individuals,” the prime minister told a passing Scouse pigeon. “Believe me when I say I want to empower you bandy.”

Mr Cameron went on to tell a pair of fighting seagulls that he had a vision in which he would continue to help himself to the contents of your wallet, while a bunch of self-appointed busybodies with free time on their hands would apply their lack of appropriate skills and huge sense of their own importance to taking schools back to the good old days of rote-learning and the cane, replacing the library’s horrible video disc things with wholesome Enid Blyton books, shunting horrible new building projects out of their areas and into yours, nosing through your rubbish and arresting anyone they thought might be looking at them funny.

Several gentlemen of Liverpool then descended upon Mr Cameron, suggesting that he may wish to consider empowering himself sideways, before removing the wheels from his ministerial car and leaving him totally empowered up beyond all recognition.

Speedboat

The Royal Navy was involved in its biggest ever drugs-busting operation yesterday, when HMS Liverpool was found to be carrying 18 cocaine-filled sailors.

Citizens of the fair city of Liverpool expressed shock and disgust at finding the reputation of their wonderful home town besmirched by their naval namesake, with many worthy Scousers indignantly shrieking, “Ey! Ey!! Ey!!!” in tones rising to inaudible frequencies.

The Type 42 destroyer, which is currently deployed on operations to combat drug-smuggling, was found to be awash with illegal drugs after the crew had a ‘run ashore’ in Brazil.

“We conducted random drug tests on the crew after the captain noticed a sharp reduction in the number of nostrils aboard ship,” explained the ship’s doctor. “Also, when the crew were paraded on deck, some of them were clearly marching in a strangely Colombian manner. Eighteen crew members whom we subsequently tested were found to be positive. In fact, some of them were absolutely ecstatic. You really don’t want to know what they’ve been getting up to in the rigging, believe me.”

“Positive test rates in the Navy last year averaged less than 0.4%,” pointed out a spokeswoman from the Ministry of Sound Defence. “Unfortunately, the nature of statistical variation means that they appear to be slightly higher among the 240 crew aboard HMS Liverpool. All right - nineteen times higher, if you must know.”

“But let’s not lose sight of the important fact that the Royal Navy has seized the biggest-ever haul of illegal drugs in its illustrious history,” she added sheepishly. “Even if they didn’t have to look very far to find them.”

The Navy denied internet rumours that they would soon be selling tickets to the biggest festival in the Southern Hemisphere, and said that HMS Liverpool had impounded itself pending collection and destruction by specialist teams from the US Drug Enforcement Agency.

Warning: Reading This Article Can Seriously Damage Your Health

A Liverpool anti-smoking group with the backing of the city council has called for an ‘18’ certificate for all films in which smoking is depicted. The British Board of Film Censors has rejected the demands, saying that such a ban would be “heavy-handed”.

However, Mr Andy Jobsworth, chair-perchild of SmokeFree Liverpool and the city’s head of Public Protection and Paperclip Procurement, argued that “one or two – whoops, of course I mean one in two - children between 11 and 18 who witness smoking in movies actually experiment with – and therefore start – smoking themselves. Then, of course, they suffer a horrible, lingering death after callously murdering all their friends and relatives, as well as anyone they have ever met.”

Mr Jobsworth said that if the BBFC would not act, then Liverpool might use the licensing laws to ban films locally. He did not rule out pulling down TV transmitters to save children from the pernicious influence of Dot Cotton, removing lemonade shandy from supermarket shelves because it lures innocent children into inevitable alcoholism and horrible, lingering death, and banning kissing, which invariably results in teenage pregnancies. And horrible, lingering death.

“We are also banning the evil Radio 4,” screamed Mr Jobsworth from his rubber cell in the Town Hall basement. “I have incontrovertible evidence - from no less an authority than Wikipedia - that this irresponsible organisation shamelessly promotes reasoned discussion of topical issues, which can lead impressionable people to the fatal conclusion that thinking about things is an acceptable mode of behaviour that will somehow not lead to a horrible, lingering death.”